SOOOOOO Frustrated! Stubborn 7Yo!

I had the same problem with my 4th son. Only I kept battling until he was 12 yrs old and was threatening suicide. I couldn't understand it because all my other kids responded well to what needed to be done, etc. He was actually blaming me if he didn't get "A"s in school because I hadn't reminded him to do his homework or helped him to understand it well - and those sessions were awful! He didn't believe what I was telling him. At any rate, I went to a family counselor, who told me that he needed to be responsible for his own homework, etc. and that if he didn't treat me with respect, he was on his own to even find that help. I was shocked and worried, but he was right on. My son really struggled with it, but after a couple of weeks, he was treating me with respect, and reminding himself to do what was needed. He set a timer to give himself enough time to do it. My counselor said that each person is responsible FOR his own thoughts, actions, attitudes... and I am responsible TO teach him, invite him to do well, and be an example (TIE him to me - Teach, Invite, Example). But I was NOT responsible FOR him - his thoughts actions, and attitudes. It took a huge load off my shoulders. He knew the consequences and agreed to them, so he learned to live by them. Now, those first couple of weeks were pretty bad, but it was really a LOT better after that. And I think that you should make SURE to NOT give him a dog unless he REALLY does what you set down as the rules. It actually makes them feel better about themselves, because they gain faith in their ability to do things and to follow through. Well, good luck - please do something before it gets bad.

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Check into attending "Love and Logic" classes they will be a life saver to both of the issues you wrote about.

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Hi, It sounds like you just need to read some Love and Logic. Here's their approach: Stop reminding him. Stop enabling him to fail and not learn the lesson. Kids need to fail, and learn the consequence... and then choose to be more responsible. We like to try to make things better and easier for our kids, but it hurts them in the long run if we don't let them fail at the small things and learn from them. The small lessons will hopefully prepare them for the big ones! :o) (My ten year old daughter still has not "earned" the right to have a small pet!) Good luck!

I feel your pain! What we have done is to make a job chart that they are responsible for marking off each job completed. They are not allowed to do anything until jobs are done. Also, I have started waking them a little earlier in the morning to get jobs done then. Then in the afternoon, they only have to complete homework. It seems to be working well. Maybe you might have too many jobs. I tell my boys that the things like brushing teeth are a personal responsibility, but things like making bed and taking out trash are ways they have to help support the household. Hope this helps...

I am a BIG advocate of the Love and Logic parenting style of letting your children suffer the natural consequences of their choices and enforcing limits, but doing so in a loving, empathetic way. Don't remind him anymore, let him worry about the choices that affect him and that will improve his decision-making when it's all on his shoulders. You are doing all the worrying for him and he's not learning a thing about personal responsibility or accountability. Love and Logic also stresses the importance of reinforcing a warm parent/child relationship by being involved and spending time together. They offer awesome parenting classes that I strongly encourage taking (www.keriparentcoach.com is their excellent local instructor here in AZ), have some great books ("Parenting with Love and Logic"), and DVDs and CDs. Check them out at the library or purchase at www.loveandlogic.com When I attended the parenting classes it became apparent that this approach to parenting is very similar to how I was raised, and I really appreciate my upbringing and always had a fantastic relationship with my mom, even during my teenage years.

I'm a member of www.FLYlady.com, which really helps me keep my house clean and keep routines and have a healthy attitude towards it all. It's geared towards adults getting their homes and lives in order, but she provides a "control journal" for children to keep track of their homework, chores, etc, on their own without their parents nagging, which might really help. Kids (and husbands!) automatically resist us when we're telling them what to do, even if it's for their own good. The student control journal helps them stay organized and establish routines. Here's the link to the control journal: http://www.flylady.net/images/student_CJ.pdf#search=%22st...

Also check out her homepage flylady.net Her systems might really help you find peace in your own life like it did for me.

Flylady is an advocate of her colleague's website, www.housefairy.org, which is a website to help motivate and encourage children to clean their rooms. On the website there's a video of The Housefairy where she talks to your kids and tells them she's going to stop by unexpectedly every once in awhile and check on their rooms and see if they've been cleaning it like their parents have asked and leave little notes and rewards if they have. The website also helps give you ideas on how to make a game out of cleaning, and turn it into a positive experience so they can develop good habits for life. Praise and rewards are usually bigger incentives than punishment, and much more positive and help their self-esteem. In fact, while studying for his Master's in Business, my husband learned that people performed better with the incentive of receiving recognition and praise than they did with the motivation of monetary rewards in the workplace. You can plan family activities as rewards, doing what she wants, which she most likely prefers over material things, plus it sends a better message. The housefairy.org website has a LONG list of incentive ideas, posted by other parents.

Good luck! Try to "catch" him exhibiting the behavior you want as much as possible and praise it to encourage more of that behavior you desire.

I found that the second warning to follow direction be followed up with losing 25-50 cents off his allowance after the count of five works well.

Hi,
We do a similiar thing and have a printed Chore Chart with jobs they are responsible for. If they CHOOSE to do their jobs done for the day, they CHOOSE priveledges. Priveledges for my children are T.V., video games, computer games, etc. I gave them a sit down talk in the beginning and told them they make the choices to have priveledges and they are expected to do as many jobs in the morning before school and finish after school to get priveledges. When they ask me if they can play computer or watch T.V., I ask if they have done all of their jobs. I never remind them because they are 6 & 8 years old and know what to do. When they lose their priveledges, that is a learning experience for them. Find something that motivates your child, like playdates or T.V. Also, I make sure that I play with both of my kids almost everyday to give them that positive attention and to bond with them. I notice they are a lot happier when I do this. With my son, it may be playing chess, checkers, Legos or just talking to him about his Bakugans. With my daughter it is usually Pet Shop or stuffed animals! I hope this helps.
K.

Make a chart, make it specific. With his help on what should be on it. He is probably good enough with time to even put an estimate of how long it will take to do each item. Make a time everything has to be done by. Like, dinnertime. Put the chart on his plate. Remind him once when he gets home from school. Let him own it.

If you're ready for a pet, you get a pet for yourself--but plan to take care of it, because if he's not ready to own his current responsibilities with 1 reminder and a chart, he's probably not ready for a pet.

My other question is--are these *really* his responsibilities, or do you "help" him achieve them afterward. There is a difference between "I have to make my bed" and "I have to make my bed but Mom is going to re-make it for me anyway". It can discourage kids from taking responsibility if you "check him off" and perfect everything at every turn anyway. I only say this because I've caught myself at this! "That's great, but here let me fix it" is going to tell them that it isn't really *their* job.

I'm right there with you with my almost 7 year old! I think that the reason for the behavior probably varies by each child's personality, and so the cure for it probably varies somewhat as well. In our case, my girl is a standard, type A, first born girl, who constantly wants to be in control (of herself AND me!). For her, not listening to what her parents, or listening in HER time not mine, or completing task only partially, is one way that she tries to be in control. Obviously with the tween and teen years approaching, it's pretty important to make sure that she knows that she needs to listen before things get more serious.

One thing that helps us is having a little framed list of her before school and evening responsibilities. Our rule is that we take care of our responsibilities first. I figure that's the way that life actually works, so she might as well learn it now! If she is playing or something, I will ask her if her list is done, and if it is great! I will praise her for her wonderful ability to get her stuff done in a timely manner, and things are great! But, if she hasn't accomplished each task then she gets a consequence and I try to make it one that is appropriate to whatever she is or isn't doing.

She knows that once she is done with her responsibilities, whatever time is left over is HERS to use as she pleases (she is a little control-freak afterall!), and now, she is usually pretty good about getting her stuff done first so that she can be in charge of her own time. Of course, no one's perfect, and sometimes I think that our kids are compelled to test us periodically, just to make sure that we still have it togther! This morning my little bookworm was reading while I was in the shower instead of finishing her get ready for school list, which of course throws off the whole morning and almost made us miss the bus to finish getting her ready! So, I reminded her that while she is welcome to read or do whatever after she is ready, she was reading instead of getting herself ready (which she, of course already knows!), so she lost her book. as this is a new library book that she's in the middle of, she's understandably pretty upset about it. It would really bother me, too, to not know how the story ends. But, at 7 years old, kids are old enough to understand that each action comes with a consequence. It's much better to reinforce that lesson now, while the consequences are relatively small that wait until the consequences are much larger and scarier.

Regarding the homework, and piano pratices, those are things that must be done right after school (maybe after snack--it is a long school day!). I will remind her, and I will help when she needs it, but I won't nag her anymore. I have told her that her homework is her resposibility, not mine. So I will not stress out about it. What I will do is be happy to write the teacher a note to explain that she did not feel like accomplishing her homework, then she can take her consequences at school. This works for us, because of my daughter's personality, as she wants to be preceived as being studious, it would be devasting to her to have her teacher know that she just didn't feel like doing her homwork. I deal with piano practice similarly, but I will aslo ask her if she still wants to take piano, reminding her that if she does she needs to practice be any good at it. If she doesn't want to practice and be good at it, then we don't need to take lessons.

How about a visual reminder of the things he is responsible for? (A chore chart) That way if he does it he can get the reward but if he fails to accomplish his chores than he reaps the consequences! Good luck!

Dear W.H.,

Maybe simplify the chores/jobs to fewer and get them all done ALL the time. (No confusing flexibility) Try to have your son buy into this idea. (Help design it)
Kind of like a fresh start. (As what you have right now is not working.) You can increase to more chores and rewards (like the pet) when all stuff gets done more consistently.
You mention "staying in control". Also the phrase "challenging me" sticks out. It seems you have written a negative role for yourself and your son...one of adversaries. You realize this with the magnet analogy.
I realize this may not be easy but you both may benefit greatly if you, try to start with empathy and work WITH your son before moving onto leverage. (reward and reward withdrawal, "consequences" ...whatever the current politically correct terms are.
Check out gentle discipline web sites like Proactive Parenting...or maybe that book...How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and such.
Good Luck!

A reminder - you are in charge. If he cannot remember to do his chores without you reminding him, he won't remember to take care of a pet. And yes, he should do them 100% of the time. Why would you tell him he has to do his chores for 4 weeks and then right away give him a way out of doing all of them for 4 weeks?? 100% or nothing! Don't make a rule and then break it yourself, it shows you have no credibility and will give in no matter if he does his chores or not. How would that pet feel if you took the same attitude with only feeding it 75% of the time? It's obvious he's not sticking to your bargain and showing you responsibility AT ALL...so no pet. Oh well! Too bad, so sad. Responsibility means getting no reminders, so maybe he's not old enough to handle that. Do you honestly want to get into the same cycle with reminding him to take care of a living thing? It seems to me that you want him to have the pet more than he wants it. From his point of view, he'll get his allowance (and probably a pet) even if he doesn't do his chores, so why bother? He's not stubborn, he's just figured out the system you've set up.

I have a child just like that and it is harder when they are a teen. I suggest you get help for what you are in - power struggles. You have to be more forceful and tell him he is to do it now and if he does not then give him a consequence immediately, i.e. no t.v., early to bed, whatever you and your husband decide. Just state things matter of fact no explanations. And most important be consistent, try your best not to be emotional. I can tell you if you don't let him know you are in control, it will get harder, believe me I know. You have what you call a strong willed child. Kids feel more secure when you are in control.

You may want to go to the library and look for books on the strong willed child. I think most important is that you don't let him see he is pushing all your buttons. It is all about control and he wants it all. He knows exactly what he is and isn't doing, and he wants to do things on his timing. Give him choices yes, time to unwind after school, but don't allow it to get out of control. I would set a timer and say when the timer goes off we are going to do this.... I heard it takes fourteen to twenty one days to set a habit. It takes awhile to get out of one too, you two have developed a certain style or habit of how you relate to one another, and you need to show him that this going to change.

Don't mean to be so forceful. I am speaking from experience. I totally let my child when they were little manipulate me and they are still trying. It is harder to break habits and ways of relating once they get older. Take control and know you are a good mom, and are doing what is best for your child. They actually love boundaries it makes them feel safe. You may want to get a book on boundaries with you kids. Or making your kids mind without losing yours by Dr. Kevin Leman. I am sure there are lots of other good books out there. Dr. Dobson has one on the strong willed child too. Growing Kids God's Way has lots of resources also.

Take care and my prayers are with you, believe me I know it is going to be hard, but it will be well work it.
K.