Soon to Be Adult Daughter Needs to Grow Up

How much are you covering for her financially? Do you pay for her car or insurance? That's a good place to start because it sounds like she likes having the freedom to come and go as she pleases. If she doesn't pay for it, it goes away. I can't even imagine how hard it will be to confront her, but if you don't, she will continue to take advantage of you. If you're not comfortable asking for rent or for her to contribute financially, then she needs to understand that a free place to live comes at a different price. Chores, grocery shopping, helping with errands etc. It may be difficult at first but she will end up respecting you more down the road. And don't give in if she pouts or runs off - hold your ground. You're doing her a favor by highlighting the fact that she's an adult. She should start acting like one.

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V.
Your job as a mother is to nurture and teach your daughter to develop, be independent, be responsible, etc. etc. etc.

You have to be "tough" and there is such a thing as "tough love" which gives the end results. You may alienate your daughter for a time, but remember what type of person you want her to become.

It almost sounds like you are a single mom and that you don't have the support of a husband behind you. Get her father involved, if possible.

I suggest that you quit providing any money for the "extras" that she may want which would include make-up, some clothing, nights out (who gives her money for partying?).

She is a college student, so tell her to get a job on campus; in the student union, in the bookstore, there is usually a list of jobs that students can get and earn some money for themselves.

Being a parent is not all fun. You must be tough because she will also, in time get married and/or have children of her own. You will be preparing her also for parenting her children. And we can both agree that neither of us want spoiled brats for grandchildren - right?

I would like to recommend the following books:
"Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children"
by Allison Bottke (used books start at $6.94)

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Boundaries-Your-Adult-Child...

And

"Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson
(Used books start at $8.28)

http://www.amazon.com/Dobson-2-1-Tough-Straight/dp/084991...

D.
I'm 60 years old and have two grown sons and one daughter-in-law.

1 mom found this helpful

Let me start out by sayin i'm 22 y/o...i have a 3yr son..2jobs and my own place. First you need to stop some of her bills (like cell phone etc.). Try not to give her to much of anything if she ask...this way she's gonna feel like she needs to get her own money to buy whatever she wants.>>Listen its gonna be hard in the begining but trust me it will pay off...at least you no she wouldn't have to depend on a guy for anything if you let her start to depend on herself....Let Her B Free.

ok here's a different spin on it...Have you asked her to pay her own bills? I ask this because I'm 24 and my daughter bf and I are currently living with my parents. Let me explaine this first, we are not irresponsible. We both have full time jobs, pay our own bills, and buy our own food. We moved out of the area, and got pregant so we moved back and my parents offered to let us stay. We have land and a well and are supposed to be buliding a house but my bf has bad credit so its not going as well as we'd like. Anyway we pay everything but rent. My bf is a truck driver and gone more than 12hrs a day, I leave for work at 7:30 and don't get home untill 6 or later, and it seems like every weekend we have stuff going on. Since we are hardly around and we don't use much electricity and our water and garbage removal are free(we have a well and we take our garbage to the dump)I feel no need to pay rent. Noone has asked us too, but if they asked I would pay them. She's probably trying to get away with it as long as possible. Don't take me the wrong way I started babysitting when I was 13 and got a "real" job when I was 16, but when I was 21 I was all about having fun, I'd stay out all night, get 2hrs of sleep then go to work.

I think that if she is still in college and not at risk of flunking out you should just make it clear that when she graduates you expect her to pay rent/get a job. I didn't live at home during college but that behavior sounds like 80% of the kids I was in school with. After school I got a job, and the rest is history.

Hi V., I know where you are coming from but I wish I had an answer for you. I have raised 5 ranging from 42 down to 25 and only one gave me this problem. He had some emotional issues. How is the work ethic in your home?? I would only suggest if you ae doing things for her like laundry etc. or giving her money... that has to stop. I know that tough love works. All kids, large and small need guidelines. I also know it is not easy but she does need to grow up for her own sake. One of my friends asked her son to move out after her own mom died. She said the realization that she would not always be there made her worry for her son being so dependant on her. I am sure there are books out there on the subject. I wish you my best. Grandma Mary

They don't call it tough love because it is easy. Stop enabling your child. She will have to grow up if you stop taking care of her every need. The longer you continue, the longer she will continue. What difference does it make if you alienate her for a while. Look what you are describing now.
Mom who learned that Tough Love is not easy, but the 26 year old is now out and on his own.

Maybe she needs an ultimatum or some tougher love. Explain the situation an help her find an apt. Let her see how tough it is to make it, and maybe let her fail (just be ready to help her back up, a little). Does she know how to write a resume or interview? We all avoid things we can't do! Help her search for job fairs, or ask your HR dept. if they would give her a mock interview with feedback. Good luck!

We are going through the same thing with my son. He is also a college student, but we said he had to work over the summer - which he hasn't done much of. We gave him jobs helping us around the house and are making him pay a doctor bill he is being sent to show him the real world of bills. He ended up saying I was controlling his life too much and moved in with his grandparents on his father's side. I think he quickly learned he wasn't going to be treated like a king over there either.

It's hard being tough on them as moms, but I think our children will be better people than if they are spoiled and can do whatever they want.

It's pretty simple, she is an adult now and you need to set a time limit for getting a job, you are the boss she is still living in your house. You may have to start making her pay rent.

Okay, so if she's doing the normal college timing on a 4 year degree, she'll be done with college soon. What did she plan on doing then? Perhaps you should ask her about what her future plans are, and if her response is that she doesn't have any, get thee to a career counselor! I am 24, and I have lived on my own since I was 19. I didn't need to, and my parents did still help me financially, but not living under their roof helped me do the growing up that I needed to do and also learn how to work and take care of myself. It's time for some shock treatment for your daughter. And if you feel guilty now, how much more guilty are you going to feel if your daughter ever does get out on her own, only to discover that she has no idea of how to take care of herself? This is what I recommend doing:

Tell her that for 24 hours, you're going to treat her like an adult, and that she should plan on getting up early for it. Wake her up at 9am (which is a full 3 hours later than most adults wake up) and hand her the classified section of the newspaper. Tell her to go through it and circle jobs that she's qualified for, and then call to see if they still have positions open. If she tells you that she doesn't know how, practice with her. Does she have a resume written up? If not, help her arrange one. If she can't find any jobs in the paper, tell her that she needs to look on the internet or take a ride to town and see who's got a "help wanted" sign out. When she tries to use your computer, tell her no. People who live on their own either pay for the internet or go to the library to use it. If she has no money, make her to go the library! If she has no car of her own and wants to use yours, tell her that she needs to give you gas money first, since she would need to pay for gas or pay to take a bus if she were on her own. Do this all day - do not cook for her, tell her to do her own laundry, etc. Even if she doesn't move out until she's done with school, she should be made very aware of just how good she has it!

You didn't mention if your daughter does any chores around the house, though by the sounds of it she probably doesn't. She needs to seriously start pitching in. You are crippling her with what you're doing right now. And if you are afraid of alienating her by getting tough now, just think of how bad it's going to be when she does get out in the real world and sees how overwhelming it can be, and then turns right around and blames you for not teaching her how to handle it. Save yourself some heartache and give her the skills that she needs to succeed now. Best of luck!

Dear V.,

I know it sounds trite, but try sitting her down and telling her 'what's what'.

Being a former 'wee hours' person myself, her being tired does not help the process - so catching her as soon as she's up for the day is best - she is more likely to be alert (grumpy possibly, but alert).

I am suggesting that you bring a pad of paper - either doodle to keep your cool, because chances are you'll lose it if she doesn't respond favorably - or write out your terms and/or conditions for her getting a job and moving out. Having decided these things ahead of time will help your case immensely - she will understand you've thought this out and are at the very least serious.

Being upbeat about helping her figure out her finances (she being a student has only done it on the short term, I'm betting :) , what will get her through the next week to month), where she can look for an apartment, what she might like for a job, will only help YOUR cause to help HER get on the track you're looking for.

Avoid 'bank of Mom', mention of her place in yours, particulars of how to make everything work, in short, only discuss what is going to happen, and a time-frame. Only after you have finished this discussion and **she has made a decision do you offer any suggestions for anything else.

I'm sure she is due to graduate soon, and while you are softening up her introduction to the real world, you are in fact going to aid her in as simple a manner possible rather than insist she simply get out. I understand you don't want to alienate her. Concentrate on your goal rather than being friends - the friends part will come.

My Mom went to work every day, came home to see me in a state she didn't like, talked to my Dad, and Dad set it out for me, find a job. He didn't have to threaten me with kicking me out. He simply said I had to pay my way if I were to live with them. He gave me a flat rate, board (which were VERY low, but to someone without a job, impossible) (not room, which he would have had to pay taxes on :). There was no arguing with him, either. I tried saying that I didn't eat much, and that there was this and that, and he simply stuck to his flat rate. (He didn't even have to mention taking it or leaving it. I think that would have set me off if he had, actually, now that I think about it).

You might also open her eyes as to the reality of those college loans. They come due - and the government is tightening up on those who think they might just default, get a bad credit score for 7 years, and start new. They come due - and things change when you miss a payment. If you need to, take her to the bank, and have the bank show her what she will need to do to pay off these loans. It is quite daunting at first!

Good luck! And remember: She's an adult already.
M.

You need to face up to the fact that you probably will alienate your daughter. If you have been letting her get away with this behaviour for his long, she will be resentful when it changes. You must also recognize that you cannot change someone else's behaviour, you can only change YOUR OWN behaviour. That means not letting her push your buttons.

I would sit down with her and apologizing to her for not guiding her better with a focus on purpose and direction--it's a sure fire way to get her attention! Ask her about her goals, plans for the future, ideas about where she wants to be in 5 years, 10 years. She'll probably say, "I don't know" but make her think about it; ask her how her current lifestyle is helping her acheive those goals, and what she thinks she could be doing differently to help herself along. I think as parents, we often think we are doing best by our children by telling them what they should be doing; how do you react if someone tells you what you should be doing? Me? Not so well. But if someone shows genuine interest and caring and asks me what I want, and what will get me there and offers support (not necessarily financial!) and encouragement to help me get there? Gold mine!

Good luck!

any way you can start making it clear to her that you need her room for something else? I don't advocate lying, but she is manipulating you - she's no dummy - and you need to recognize it in the moment. Why is she saying things to you in that way. Why is she saying things to you at that time. How did she come up with those ideas/phrases.
Think about what *you* want to do long-term. What would your life look like if she were on her own/making her own money? Would you take more vacations? Would you finally take those cooking/crafts/language/music classes you've been wanting to take? Would you get yourself a gym membership? Would you still even be in that house? Maybe you'd downsize your living expenses so that you could do things you enjoy. I know - we all love taking care of our children, and there is little better that we could spend our money on. Trust me, I know. But what if - what if she needed *nothing* from you. how would your life be different? If you share this vision with her she may not care, but it may give you the strength to go through with some of the many grrreat suggestions you've gotten here (tough love, planning for her future with her, getting jobs for her, paying for a month or 3 of rent, changing the house rules with curfews, etc). Your request makes it sound like you're only concerned with your daughter - which is great. Now you also need to start thinking of yourself.
If she's 21 then she may still have one year of college left. There's no reason she needs to live at home for it. And you may just need that room to convert into a dog-training room. Or a sewing/scrapbooking room. Or a home gym. You know what i mean.
Whatever you decide to do, it sounds like you're motivated to do it, so good luck!

V.,

I've be watching my BFF go thru a similiar situation and it breaks my heart to watch the daughter take advantage of her mother. The more my friend gives, the more the daughter takes.

Is your daughter living at home and going to a local college? Full or part time student? Is she close to earning a degree? Although parents are not obligated to help their kids thru college, I believe if we (parents) are able, we should do our best to help them out. But that does not mean letting them walk all over us.

It's time to sit her down and explain again..."My house, my rules" - here's your list of chores, and curfew. If she doesn't like it, reminder her where the door is.

Think about the items you're paying for and the ones you think she should pay for. Does she own her car? You should NOT be paying for this? What about a cell phone - I'm guessing she's on your plan - either she gives you money each month or it gets disconnected - don't let her guilt you into "what about an emergency".

I don't think that there is a way for you to stop the "Bank of Mom" without alienating your daughter. You just need to know that you're doing the right thing. It'll be very difficult at first, but as time goes by it'll be easier and yout daughter will hopefully learn to respect you and understand that you're truly doing what's best for her. And it is much harder on you, then on her.

I wish you the best of luck.

I would just give her a set amount of time to find that job she's looking for! And if she doesn't find one, maybe threaten her finding a place of her own and paying her own bills?! It IS time that she grows up. I moved out of my parents house at 18, as did each of my brothers, and we're all responsible adults who take care of ourselves and don't rely on our parents for anything. Parents shouldn't be used as 24 hour ATM's.

By you saying "she always makes me feel guilty" sounds like you need to be a lot stronger and she knows exactly how to manipulate you and probably has been for a long time. Be prepared for what to do when she fails, for example if you give her a flat rate to pay you for room and board what will you do when she doesn't pay you?! Is she the type of person who will do that....probably, if she knows you will cave. I would recommend requiring something that when she doesn't make it she will loose and it is easier for you to stick to your guns. First car, if you are paying for a car, gas and insurance, STOP. Give her a few weeks notice to figure out a way to pay for a car, insurance & gas, be prepared for when she asks how is she going to get to school, workm, ect. And absolutely no spending money, no clothes money, no hair money, no gas money. Start with just a few things and go from there. Watch out for credit card use, if she is not already in debt over her ears.
Good luck, you are going to need a strong backbone- and there will be growing pains, and she may pull out all the stops, but you can do it and in the end you will have a better relationship with her and she will be a better person! There is nothing to feel quilty about!!

21 is too old to be living off 100% of your money. Sounds like she wants all the fun of being an adult with none of the responsibilities. I'd say it's time for her to put on her big girl pants and start pulling her weight a little. Certainly she can work a part time job or even look into jobs at school (that's where my son is working currently).

Whatever time frame you set for her being more responsible make sure you stick with it. Start off gradually making little changes so you'll have more success.

Gotta laugh because remember when you thought your biggest issue was her not sleeping thru the night? Potty training? Nothing compared to the issue we have as our children get older huh?

Hi V.
Obviously your daughter is commuting to school. Paying Board? Gas?
What was your thought and action when she started college?
My story:
When the boys left for college they were expected to pay for their expenses. Aid covered costs of tuition etc because of our income, and the fact we had twins that were born that year. Now, having learned from sending the boys to college, and the fact that they are now 18. So now, I have twins that start college this fall. Yup that is only about 2 weeks away. The girls are going to college. One will live on campus about 3 hours away. We have agreed to pay what the paperwork says as parent owes so to speak. The other will be commuting. She received $500 toward gas. We live in a rural area, and jobs are hard to come by for everyone. But both girls worked all summer. We expected them to each earn about $3,000. Both earned that and paid their own gas money to get to work an hour away. They are expected to use that money to pay for their expenses and books etc during the school year. They also have as part of their aid package work study, we expected them to work that. We encouraged our daughter who will be living away to check in her major to see if job was available. It was and she was offered a position from the dept. head. We all agreed that would be a good move for her. We expect her to keep herself in spending money all year, using the money earned this summer & the job. The other daughter asked at her summer job about reducing to part time --8 hours when school starts and they have agreed to give her 12 if she can handle that with her schedule.
My boys never came home to live after they went to school, and I don't expect the girls will.
Why wait til you are having trouble to set out a plan? The plan was to prepare them so we would not be in your situation. My sister is there with her daughter and I didn't want that. After 38 years of parenting I am ready for an empty nest.
Oldest coaches volleyball with other entrepreneurial enterprises too
The younger boy is a lawyer for the US gov. and just made us grandparents last week.
I expect my girls will be successful and not want to be a burden to their parents.
I also look forward to seeing them succeed.
God bless you and may you successfully get yourself out of the situation you are in.
K. SAHM of 4, 37, 32 and twins 18. Married 38 years to the most wonderful man who put up with me for all that time.

As long as you allow her to push buttons and feed into your guilt, nothing is going to change....

So my suggerstion is to work on your own issues first in getting those guilt doors closed and fast...and make a list of ground rules and begin to take action....

Jobs are very hard to find today but still your daughter should be out there every day looking for one. Any ((legal)) job would do at this point until she can find one that pays more. Examples of any job...a neighborhood store, baby sitting, caring for a senior, house cleaning...mowing lawns etc....the fact is there's always someone out there needing hired help.

Set your ground rules, encluding about her lieing to you and be firm about it all.....Tell her that her game playing and childhood is OVER... and don't give in. Don't get into power struggles with her...stay on the subject of your ground rules... Let your daughter know straight forward and in a calm way what you exactly expect of her. And Let her know if she thinks she is old enough to stay out all night along, she's old enough to take on the responsibilites in finding a job, supporting herself, following your rules while she's still living under your roof encluding not lieing to herself or to you because adulthood has arrive.. Let her know she's got a dead line to make changes in how's she been dealing with it all and when she reaches that dead line, and you don't see efforts, changes and results, she's out on her own as you'll be renting out her bedroom to make up for what she's been costing you...

She might not like hearing any of it, but at the end she'll respect you for it...

After the ground rules are set....Start off with making sure there's a newspaper with the want adds in your house....when she doesn't see anything she likes, circle all the possibilities yourself for her and tell her to call these places to set up appointments for an interview...being if it's a job interview or for a job agency who will help her to find work. Everyday ask her about the appointments she has made, where, what day, what time and for what. Wake her up each morning and drag her out of bed no matter what time she comes in at night...she's to tired, that's her problem.....tell her today she's going to walk from store to store on the Ave. asking if they need help or know someone who is hiring and she's to leave her phone number with them.

On the days she doesn't have job interviews or classes, tell her to clean your house, do the laundry, and start dinner....

A good place to stop being the bank of mom is to say NO....especially if she is using this money to enjoy going out with her friends at night....and not on getting herself to a job interview..

My will be 17 in 6 days and i tell him unless he is respectful and doing what he has to do pulling in good grades that he can get anything he wants from me, that is of course if i can do it at the moment.i'm even telling him that he needs a job.the children now days feel that their parents are walking atms or something i dont understand..if it's not in your budget and you dont have it to give,dont stretch yourself to be put in a hole later on..what you need to do to reassure that your daughter is out looking for work is give her an altimatum that she will have to leave or get a job..or u can tell her to get up with u go out when u go out to assure she's looking for one and maybe ask her to show u the applications she's going to get..there are always more than one way to skin a cat..my mom,god bless the dead didnt play that..if she had to go to work, no one was to be left behind in her house unless they were really sick or the like..anyway i wish u well with this,hope u try it and it is time for her to grow up...she's grown..

First of all, if your daughter is 20, she is an adult ( not "soon to be"). You have to be tough...and I can say that because I am only 24. Your daughter is way to old to be living off of you. Its time to push her out of the nest for a bit, start expecting her to act like an adult and she will.
When I was 21 I was working full time, married, graduated with a BS ( which I paid for)and I bought my first house! My mother cut me off financially when I was 17, I was always welcome home for a short visit, but not to live. tuition, rent food car payment etc were all of my responsibility. My husband ( then boyfriend) and I had to work very hard to make ends meet it made us mature, it gave us professional experience and it made our relationship closer. I can't say that I appreciated the tough love at the time,but I do now and I am very close with my mother.
BTW: my husband parents did the same thing... when you turned 18 your were out of the house unless you really fell on hard times. Because of it, he and most of his siblings are very responsible, mature and self sufficient.

Do what you know is right. It might be hard for your daughter to take right now, but someday she will realize that you have her best interest at heart!

Oh my goodness...I feel so much better now! I have the same problem, difference is my daughter is not going to college and she just recently lost her full time job. She is now working at Applebee's but that is a "cash in hand" type thing and can be a problem. Anyway, i know this may sound crazy, but the way my daughter ended up getting the full time job was I went on line and applied for it with all her information. When they called her to come in for an interview she agreed then called me mystified, i told her i did it since it was taking her too long. I have been paying her car insurance fo the past 3 years and told her once she got he job that it was now her responsibility. I think once they finally get a decent job and have money coming in on a regular basis, the rest follows, albeit a bit slowly, but it happens. I think we need to excersize "tough" love and cut off the extras, I promise you one thing, although you may upset her now, it will not be forever, she WILL thank you in the long run. As for guilt, well we all feel that way when we deny our children, but it would be worse if we brought them up to think they did not have to be responsible for themselves. Hope this helps, and good luck...remember you are not alone....all parents of young adults experience the same pains.

It's never easy confronting someone you love, but it sounds like it is long overdue. She's taking advantage of you and you have let her.. You need to be stern, tough love. She will never be independent if you let her mooch off of you. I went to school full time and worked full time living with my mom until I graduated and I would have never disrespected her like that. I paid my mom rent and did chores around the house, not because she even told me I had to just because I love her and knew it was the right thing to do. Family is all about helping eachother and being there for eachother and it sounds like you are giving and giving and she's just taking. Good luck I hope it works out and remember even if she gets upset with you and storms out, at least you know you're doing the right thing and she'll get over it.

I married a man with two children. We have them full-time - their mom is a "dead-beat". Anyway - whenever he feels guilty - I remind him that you can't raise a child on guilt. It's not fair to you or them. What happens if you get hit by a bus tomorrow - do you feel confident that your daughter will be able to make her own way - make the right choices? Put the guilt aside - it just makes them happy for a little bit and you happy and worried for a little bit. Tough love deserves a comeback in the USA. Children need to get rid of their sense of entitlement and start taking responsibility for themselves and their lives. Stand STRONG V. - YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

I was quite independant and moved out of my parents' house at 22. Though I said I would, it hit my mom like a brick. My younger sister is 31 and is on her second try at moving out. I think this one might stick, but my mom never demanded much. Now to give my sister credit, she has been working since she was about 16, so she always had her own money.

Does your daughter pay for her own cell bill? How about her own gas or car insurance? These are ways that you can start. I don't, personally, think it's fair to ask college students to pay rent, especially when she's paying for her own tuition--even if it's loans, she has to pay it back. So I'd give your daughter a time-frame--one reasonable--to get a job and start paying for something of her own (cell, phone, gas, car insurance). If she's already paying for these things, then maybe you need to sit down with her and see what's going on. Is there a chance she IS looking for a job (sending out resumes and not getting responses) and is getting depressed? We are in a recession and the job market is tough out there. Our babysitter graduated with her Master's in May and she still hasn't landed a job and she's very motivated.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is to be firm, but gentle too. There might be more going on and it sounds like you really need to sit down and talk everything out and plan together.

A tough transition I'm sure. I haven't been there yet with my kids, but I remember what my mom did with me. She told me that I couldn't live at home anymore, but that she would help pay for the first three months of my apartment while I looked for a job. So that got me out of the house and on the road to looking for a job because I knew that i had to pay my rent soon.

Not sure if she would respond to that, but thought I would share.

Good luck!