Son Very emotional/argumentive/I Am Losing My Mind. Completely

my daughter, almost 6, is the same way, esp with her brother, just turned 3. She has been extremely moody with us this summer and very jealous. Part of it is that she is so busy that she is overtired. We have started trying to use positive reinforcement and rewards. If she there is something she really wants I will tell her she has to get through a week without a tantrum to get it. Since she loves swimming, I tell her if you are bad tonight (you get one warning to turn it around) then no swimming tomorrow because you can't handle it. I took it away friday night and she really knows I am serious now. Good luck, it seems to be partly the age.

1 mom found this helpful

All older brother and sister get jealous with a new little one interfereing in their mommy and daddy time. It only takes 15 minutes a day for you and your husband to spend 5 minutes each seperately and together with Jason. No baby at that time. Make him feel special. Have you tried letting him help you with the baby. I know shes almost 3 now and could be hard to let him help now. Yes it is definitely a great reason to take him to the pediatrician cause he may be ADHD or could be bi-polar which is hard on a child or anyone who is going thru them emotional outburst and dont understand why or how to cope with out medical help. GOOD LUCK and I pray all works out for the best for all of you.

1 mom found this helpful

Funny, I sent a similar question a few weeks ago. My five year old son was driving me insane!

He was yelling and talking over everyone (I have 2 younger sons), interrupted and correcting me all the time.

I read all the advice, and decided to go with the "calmly talk to him alone" advice. I told him how Mommy really needs his help, and how important it is for him to do things when I ask, and talk quieter. I told him that everyone has important things to say, and how it's hard to listen when someone talks so loudly.

Honestly, I did not think this tactic would work, but it did!

One person told me to have my sons raise their hands to talk at the dinner table, and we do that, it helps not having so much noise at once!

Good look, and God bless,
V.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi.
Part of what you are discribing is typical sibling rivalry. My nephew, who is around often, is 6, and my daughter is 2. He hates it when she touches his stuff. i mean HATES! Part of that is that until she came around he was never made to share his things and was always told that certain things were his and his alone.

As for the jealousy, I have a son also and I tell him that I have 4 parts to my heart. They are all equal. One for my hubby, one for my son, one for my daughter, and one for everyone else. People love to take pics of my daughter, and my son feels left out. I have to remind people to try and keep it even.

Good luck,
M.

1 mom found this helpful

S.,

Is it possible that your son perceives you are asking too much or too often of him? When asking for plastic bags, why couldn't the 3 yr old get them for you. Or could you have asked your son to help his sister find the bags. I have a 15 yr boy who as an only child was golden but once the brothers came along became much more difficult. Only over the past few years have I realized that I had caused a lot of his behaviours.

My oldest son, was diagnosed with ADD as a 13 yr old. We tried meds and therapy but nothing worked. I then attended a parenting class (STEP). Now my son still has issues but he needs to learn to work around and we as parents need to work harder at making sure he knows that we love and support him.

We have rules in our house about Lego creations. If it's yours keep it safe (on a table, on a shelf, in a bedroom with the door closed). Now a 3 yr old knows that the Lego creations are special that's why she wanted to touch it. You could buy a small box of Legos for Sister and ask Big Brother to build something just for her. Of course, she'll break it and need it built again but it will belong to her.

Respect your son's feelings. While you may think that his feelings aren't justified, they are real. And also respect what's his - his space, his toys, his Mommy/Daddy time. He won't learn how to respect his Sister or teach her respect, if he doesn't know it.

It's obvious that you love your children and you'll do what is right for them.

K.

1 mom found this helpful

Hmmm, argumentative, hypersensitive... sounds like every 5-7 year old boy I've ever known. Boys do get very emotional at this age. My son especially since he's naturally a little more sensitive than the average boy. It's frustrating for sure. The only thing I found to help was for me to be scrupulously attentive to "fair". His righteous sense of justice can be bruised and offended quite easily at this age, so do your best to really help him understand what fairness really is and so on. Also with my oldest, he's allowed to put a few toys out of reach of his little two year old brother, he's also allowed to shut the door to his room to keep his brother out so the little one doesn't mess up or break his things. It's important for my little one to start learning about boundaries and respect for other people's things.

Hope it helps knowing you're not alone and that most boys go through some form of this or other.

1 mom found this helpful

S., These issues are all very familiar to me. I have 2 sons, 7 & 4. You've received great advice already to increase quality time with the kids, etc. But I would like to stress one point- PLEASE do not put your son on the ADHD bandwagon. It is SO overly diagnosed these days. Not to sound harsh, but I feel like for many, it is an "easy way out" for parents. It saddens me that SO many innocent children are put on such dangerous medications instead of dealing with the real issues at hand. Kids just don't understand how to deal with emotions and they need to be taught. Hang in there and good luck!

It seems to me to be all normal behavior for both of your children. In my opinion you need to spend more time with your son setting down to explain your nearly 3yr olds behavior (not excusing it) So he understands why she does what she does. My 6yr old does the same sorts of things. I spend alot of time explaining things...

You are correct to say something is bothering your son. Little children don't have the maturity to talk things out when they feel badly so they exhibit stressful behaviors. As parents have you tried taking turns having one-0n-one quality time with your son? Perhaps you could take turns taking him on outings away from his sister. Do something to make him feel special. Maybe this will help. I pray God gives you wisdom to handle this. AF

I am sorry you feel so overwhelmed. First off, I really feel our society today breeds a lot of these behaviors. People tend to be naturally selfish, especially children. After all, they are still at the age and stage where the world revolves around them. I can't tell you when that stage ends, it is different for everyone. The other thing is our world moves at a pace that is only getting faster. We want things and we want them now-with the internet we can shop and pay bills quicker. We can go to a self check out line in a grocery store if we choose to. We can drive through at a restaurant or even order ahead and get it to go! That is the point, it's all go, go, go. Children sometimes need patience. They need individual attention. Have your husband take your son and do some father/son activities together, maybe once a week or every other week. You can do the same. Take him to a movie with you, or just go to a local ice cream parlor and order a banana split and split it! It gives you time to just talk and form bonds. Don't forget you need time too. Take a night and go out with some girl friends, or allow your husband the same. Or even hire a sitter and take a date night with your husband. It can sometimes be hard to juggle all these different things, but I do feel it is very important for you and your family. You can set up a family game night, though at this point you may be a little limited to what your youngest can really play, but even something simple like rolling a ball with her and then allowing your son to pick out a game he likes to play. I struggle with doctors because it seems like when we come to times in our life where things are difficult and we want answers to why, they are quick to come up with some label that they slap on us and just send us home with some pack of pills. I think it was easier when we lived in a time where several families lived in a house together and everyone helped each other. I'm not saying they didn't have their problems, but they had more shoulders to cry on, more people to reach out to, more support when those times came. You could always look into a local support group of other Moms that may have children in similar situations, don't just look at it as you and your husband should be able to handle it all. I hope it all works out for you and just remember to breathe. We all have emotions and issues and arguements and struggles, that is a part of life. May the good come with the bad and may you be able to take the time to enjoy both. God bless!

He's probably normal, and you're probably doing just fine. It's really hard to deal with fighting. I'd check for sensory issues before or as well as testing for ADHD. Occupational therapy looks like fun and seems to help some kids. Some kids seek stimulation because their "brain volume" is too low. Starting a fight or bumping into things may make him feel better. Give him massages, get him exercising, get him balancing on curbs. Practice "indoor" and "outdoor" voices. Above all, try to make sure that his bugging you doesn't give him any stimulating drama.

Angela B's advice is pretty good; try to do some positive activities and get professional help as well. You've already done the hardest part and that's realizing there's a problem. Your son is a reflection of you and your husband, especially at this age. You've already stated that you are trying to check what you say and how you act around him, but you need to feel the calm internally so it naturally flows into your behavior. He will then do the same. You can't fake calmness and acceptance with a child when you're full of frustration within. It just doesn't work; he sees right through you. He's asking for a change in his "difficult" behavior. It's your job as parents to make that change. There's lots of help and ideas out there in books and from professionals. Seek it out so you can enjoy the family life I'm sure you've always wished for.

It would not hurt to take your child to the doctor or to seek out family counsel before this becomes an even bigger problem, particularly if you know there is a family history of emotional disturbances. Meanwhile, I'd try to help ds and dh find some activities around which they might bond. Did you know that Lowe's and Home Depot offer free Saturday workshops for children? How about duck pins for the guys? As for me and the children, how about some fingerpainting? There are calming benefits in doing art, and sometimes, that might be a way to help decompress an emotional person. Music, art, dance are fun and help us destress. You might find some benefit not only for your ds, but yourself also. Find out if nature also might bring a smile to your ds. Some children respond well to being outdoors, watching squirrels, flowers and insects. Also, check his rest/stress levels. If he's stopped taking naps, but is still very active, he might be a very tired, stressed little guy. Sometimes the family NEEDS to just get away from the day-to-day activities. Yes, even preschoolers get stressed. When was the last time you all went on a getaway? Again, these suggestions do not take the place of counsel and evaluations. There could be something going on with your little guy that goes beyond stress and needing a moment of calm, but the suggestions might help ease some of the emotional tension in the house. As for dad, sometimes it takes them a little while to see things from themselves. Be patient, prayerful and don't take it out on him. He's bonding with his 2-year-old daughter, and, yeah, he might be subconsciously showing some favoritism. Keep the line of communication open and help him find some ways to bond with his son. Bike riding, sports, fishing, bowling, etc.

I feel your pain. This sounds like my oldest daughter. When you see the therapist also ask about Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Try to compliment your son frequently whenever he is doing anything right/good; hopefully, you can negate what your husband is doing, or should I say not doing! Maybe the therapist can explain all this to your husband. No, most men aren't perfect - sigh.... If it is ODD, unfortunately no matter what you do or say, it will never be enough. My daughter was also extremely jealous of her sister. There is hope; now that they are grown, they are very close! Stick to your guns; try to be consistent; getting into screaming matches doesn't help anyone. Good luck with your son, and your husband!

You've got some good advice on both sides of the question to help you in your decision. I had my son 3+years before his sister and his anger when she broke his constructions were far more intense than his reactions if anyone else had broken them. I wish I had created a safe place for his play, from his sister at the time. His sister, later-in-life, would get just as angry if she accidentally dislodged something another child had built. Her reaction was to then destroy the whole creation and hate herself. There may be no correlation to the two behaviors, but if you can give at least 5 minutes alone time with each IN the DAYTIME, I've heard it can make all the difference.
Both children (as well as myself) have later been diagnosed with ADHD/ ADD. We began medication when the quality of their life was no longer at a level any child should live through. They began to understand what part of their behavior and thoughts were due to chemical deficiency and what part of their behavior was by choice.
The correct levels of medication made it possible for them to accomplish what they knew in their head to be possible, but couldn't follow through like their friends and class mates seemed to be able to do...
At the same time, my husband has behaved very much like you have described your husband's behavior toward the children- and my ADD problems as well. The stress/anxiety level became toxic, and our son's reflective behavior (of the family's problems) helped us find a counselor who could address the ADD / nonADD+own issues- relationship that plagued our communications. Life isn't smooth, but we are committed to working this out- it's not one-sided.
There are resources out there for everyone. This is what I've learned:
(1) C.H.A.D.D. has support groups for the spouse of ADHD..bipolar adults are in the audience, they might be part of the support..., informative meetings for parents of ADHD...
(2) Sensory issues may complicate things, if he's not ready for kindergarten yet, keep him out one more year and go through Childfind at your school district - if he's having any sensory difficulties like playing on playground equipment or getting dressed or cutting with scissors, eating with utensils, or playing with playdough or fingerpaint, then they can help you (these are delays in self-help skills) as long as he isn't six, or in Kindergarten. Once he "crosses that line" they can only help you in the areas that cause an ACADEMIC delay.
(3) there is a book about how parents can work together to give children the "united front" for parenting: "Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso. It recognizes one parent might be extra harsh and the other, to balance things, responds more gently than they would've if the harsh response wasn't in their lives... and other parenting differences that really DON'T balance things, but .... well, I'm going to need to read it myself, but the person who recommended it was awesome.
(4) 5-7 year-olds do go through a stage of finding themselves belonging to the world around them, and they look for boundaries to control and be controlled that fit their understanding. If his behavior is just unsettling, "parent(verb)". If it's stressing you, "parent" AND make some changes, like investigating ADHD and scheduling routines + 1:1 time with each parent...
A comment based on an earlier response regarding labels and testing: Labels don't have to follow a child if they are only shared with the public to provide necessary funding and protect the child's rights (an I.E.P. or 504, etc.). There are tests for attention given after the questionnaires/ forms indicate ADHD. The child uses a timed computer response-program, then compare the result with the child repeating the same activity (on another day) with a small, short-acting amount of medication (only in their body for 4 hours). The focused activity comparison can give the questionnaires/ forms you fill out more confidence. When my daughter did it, she said, "the medicine I gave her helped her stop hitting and kicking when she was mad that afternoon..."
Finally, (5) You are a vital resource and parent in your children's lives. Keep in consistent touch with your resources, and network of support (DR.s, friends, medications, husband, personal time, etc.) and what your goals are in you and your family's life - and if your actions help those goals.
Keep up the good work! Your mind isn't lost, it's the stress to let you know changes in action need to take place.

I am not an expert here, just a mom. I have a 6 year old that is the same way and even to our almost 3 year old. Our son does have ADHD but the need to protect your work you just made with legos is quite important to him with or without the ADHD. You seem to be worried that the problem is dad not providing each child with the same amount of time and affection. I have the same problem so I make sure my day includes the extra time with which ever had less daddy time. Sometimes it is as easy as that. I think it is important to have one thing(garden, race track, video games, puzzles, whatever) that is just with that child. My son plays the Wii with daddy, little girl can't do that, so that is just their time. My son loves to help me in the garden, that is our time we do when the baby is down to sleep. All I am saying is kids are protective of their work and the emotional outburst may have nothing to do with daddy time. He may also just be board. With ADHD my son needs to be engaged as much as possible, free time with nothing or no direction makes him irritable. We try to stay busy with train tracks, biulding thing, whatever we can find. It is more difficult in the summer because he is out of his school routine and ROUTINE is key to a smooth day. In counsiling we learned to calm down when we are upset so we breath out 3 times with our hand on our tummy. I know you feel overwhelmed and crazy at times but you are a good mom and that is why you are trying so hard.
Since our kids are the same age and I can always use an adult conversation from time to time, you can call or email and maybe we can get the kids together and maybe they will keep themselves busy.
____@____.com
###-###-####
T.

S. I'm getting to this late - but read a bunch of posts and want to add something I don't think I saw before. Search online at what behavior to expect from your child's age group. I did this when my son turned 3 1/2 cos he started driving me nuts and I realized I was giving him the keys to do so in how I was cummunicating with him. At the age we had the problem arise I was telling him what NOT to do. My research online revealed that a child that age has no concept of a negative command. The NOT/DON'T part means nothing - he was just hearing "Don't pour that on the floor" as "Pour that on the floor" So I learned to say what I wanted instead of what I didn't want. And my Pediatrician said that now that he is 4 - Doc said he is a non-pleaser which is a kid that just wants the rule - not all the explanation that comes with it (that I tend to use). So Doc said "Make the rule" and "Blame the rule" So the rule is "We don't go outside the house without asking" our son says "Why?" We say" becaseu that's the rule!" And life has gotten much more peaceful with alot less conflict. I LOVE my Ped and the internet for things like this. Blessings, S.

I can almost guarantee you that he's feeling really jealous... like he's not getting enough attention - negative attention is still attention. He needs time with you alone. Take him to the grocery store without the baby. Spend some quiet time while the other one is napping. Set some time aside each day for him... Sit your husband down and fill him in - again. Have him spend a little time each day as well - maybe building with legos or taking out the trash... whatever... This poor kid is feeling really really left out.
The psychiatrist - if he's a good one - will not just label him ADHD. He will spend time chatting and getting to know him. He will also spend time with you and tell you what you need to do. See the psychiatrist... WITH your husband and your daughter... it has to be a family appointment.

Consider exhausting all of the nutritional approaches to emotional havoc around the house before visiting an allopath. Mainstream medicine can sometimes be quick to prescribe ritalin, prozac and other pharmaceuticals before evaluating the depth of nutrition as well as the emotional backstory to everyone's behavior in the family system of communication.
For instance, by not acknowledging your request that he not praise your daughter so much in front of your son, thereby aggravating an already difficult situation, he may be in a passive aggressive behavior pattern that is beneath his conscious awareness. This pattern may be a dysfunctional imprint inherited from his family or it may be tied to issues between you two.

But, before doing BigPharm, try blue green algae. I had a terrible case of depression in my 20's until I succumbed to a nutritionist's prodding that I try blue green algae. I hit the ceiling with energy and have not experienced negative ideation over 30 years since making that connection. I am a blood type A, non-secretor and deep nutrition is essential for maintaining emotional balance or my blood type.

So, that is another area that warrants exploration i.e. aligning your family's nutritional intake with foods that are blood type compatible. You can avoid building lectins on your immune system's receptor sites if you eat according to your blood type. As well, each blood type has a nutritional decoy that can prevent the build up of lectins as well as scrub accumulated agglutinins off of receptor sites so the immune system can address other issues such as preventing allergic reactions, premature wrinkling, etc.

As well, you may want to evaluate whether there are any environmental toxins that may be in the house or that may have been exposed to your family members at some point in the past. An example are the heavy metals i.e. the mercury in dental amalagams that can leach into and get trapped by the body's fatty tissues then stunt neuronal growth in the brain. Just imagine the long term consequences of that phenomena... Alzheimers among other issues.

Oh there's so much more. A good point of entry is my site www.greenrita.com In conjunction with increasing the depth of nutrition in your household, review the options I described to pursue simple measures to diagnose then detox chemical, microbial and emotional burdens that may be underlying causes to irritable, angry behavior. The study of detoxing the body is called homotoxicology. Toxic behaviors can and most times do have multiple sources of causation; but, it's wise to take one step at a time and beware of the instant gratification that pharmaceuticals offer. The long term consequences are inevitable side effects and, if you're lucky enough to recognize the need for detox, it's just a another layer of work that has to be addressed.

I am a certified secondary English and special ed. teacher. I would follow through with having your son tested to rule out any medical/emotional issues. Additionally, I would suggest counseling for your son, but also the family. Everyone needs to on the same page. It sounds like your husband doesn't understand that the positive words and attention that he gives your daughter, impacts your son. Often times, it's helpful to have someone else point it out - like a trained therapist.

While something else may indeed be going on, there are things you can do at home. I would create a chart of the things you want your son to do (picking up his toys). Set a reasonable goal at first. If you have 5 things on the list, start with expecting him to achieve three of them. You can't expect 100% to be done at the beginning. After he does 3 things on his chart, move it up to 4 (after about a week). Then, provide a treat as a reward - start with a daily award, then move to weekly award. It can something as simply as spending time with you or your husband alone (backing cookies with you, throwing a football with dad, etc.), which might be a good thing. If he's having a hard time having a little sister and is jealous, then it might be good for him to spend one on one time with his father doing something fun (it doesn't have to be expensive). If your husband spends time with your son and your daughter is not around, he may be more apt to praise your son, which would be a spectacular thing for his self-esteem. When you have more than one child, it's essential to spend one on one time with each of them. This shows that they are important to you.

I hope this helps! All the best!