Son's Rudeness When Given a Gift...

I recommend reading the book "Nurtureshock". What you got from him was a completely honest reaction. He wanted one gift and got another. It takes a person a minute to process this, and at 11 or so, maybe a couple of minutes. Yes, I think we can also teach them to just say "Thank you" to any gift, but when we push our children to say they like a gift even if they don't, we are teaching them to lie.

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'The most disturbing reason children lie is that parents teach them to. According to [developmental researcher] Talwar, they learn it from us. “We don’t explicitly tell them to lie, but they see us do it. They see us tell the telemarketer, ‘I’m just a guest here.’ They see us boast and lie to smooth social relationships.” Consider how we expect a child to act when he opens a gift he doesn’t like. We instruct him to swallow all his honest reactions and put on a polite smile.'

This is a quote on why/how children learn to lie from this article by Po Bronson (co-author of the eye-opening book Nurture Shock): http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

It's important to consider the long-term consequences before we manipulate children into giving us the response we find most gratifying. It may not be a healthy thing to do for our kids. Feelings are authentic, and we do well to respect them.

We can also teach kids to be appreciative, mainly by not giving them reasons to feel entitled, and to employ basic good manners. That can happen right alongside allowing them to reveal their genuine disappointment when something turns out not to be what they hoped for. Once they get past their initial surprise and dismay, they can still say "Thank you for the gift." But it's best if they're allowed to reach that conclusion in their own time, and if they don't, then several hours or a day later, you can give basic instruction in remembering to say thanks.

He's just a kid, and kids do get caught up in hopes and desires just like mamas do (watch all the tales of woe on this site when moms don't get what they think they deserve for a birthday or anniversary). Reminding, without bullying a child emotionally, is the most helpful way to help his social graces grow.

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Now's the time to teach him this very important lesson. I witnessed my husband's nephew be really rude to his parents and grandparents one Christmas and he was 17! A little different scenerio since he was used to getting what he wanted all the time. He was handed everything under the sun. (not saying that's what you are doing at all) At that Christmas his parents and gp's got him a boat with a trailer! Then he had the gaul to stand there while looking at the boat and say "well I would have rather got a 4 wheeler!" My mouth dropped. If I was his parent's or his gp's I would have took that boat and trailer back to the store and not got him anything! But of course they didn't. His grandmother did however go out and get him a 4 wheeler a couple of months later which he wrecked and severly injured himself on soon afterwards. To this day (he is now in his late 20's I think) he is unable to hold down a job, drives a truck (like the 10th one he's had due to wrecking them all the time) that his grandma bought him again, has nothing of his own (that he got on his own). Of course he's a product of his parents and grandparent's making. I know this is an extreme example of someone showing disrespect when receiving a gift but if you don't get it under control now it'll just get worse. Kids these days expect things to be just handed to them. As you can see by my example, nothing good can come out of it. Do what you need to in order to teach him a lesson. Again, I am in no way implying that you are doing anything near what I gave an example of, so please don't think that. My kids too will react to a gift in not such a pleasant manner. I have removed that gift and gave it away because of it and have talked to them concerning it. Good luck!

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He is not just a kid, third grade is plenty old enough to have manners. I would expect this kind of thing from a 3 year old. I would keep the card and make him earn it back by using his manners and being respectful.

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Your job is to teach him. He didn't come out of the womb knowing manners.

You tell him to say "thank you," and then you tell him that whenever he receives a gift, he is supposed to look happy and say thank you, even if he doesn't like it, because it hurts people's feelings when he doesn't.

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He needs practice and you need to teach him. Sadly, they don't come with manners. And this is in fact a case where we teach them to lie - act happy with something that you really don't like at all. So it is a bit confusing since from the child's perspective we have been stressing truth telling for years. I don't think you can (or should) teach a child to be grateful for something they don't want or need. But we can teach them to consider the giver's feelings and intentions - you gave him the gift card because you wanted him to enjoy it.

IMO gifts are not something you 'earn'. They are a gift and I think you should give it back to him. Can you return or exchange it? After all, that's what adults do after we feign happiness upon receiving something we don't want.

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Sounds like he really wanted an itunes gift card and was very disappointed that it was something else-You didn't say how old he is but I am sure that was hard on him. I agree he needs to be taught to be grateful but I think he should get the card back.

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Kids are rude. But if he's graduating from elementary school he should be about 11? And at 11 he should have learned by now that there's an expectation to be polity when opening gifts. Kids do feel more open with their parents - which is a good thing overall - but still no excuse to be rude.

At this point what are you going to do? I don't think you can take hte gift card away. But this does need to be addressed. Give him an example of the last time he went out of his way to do or buy something nice for someone else. Ask what he'd think if that person reacted similarly. (i.e. - "think of Bobby's birthday party when you thought that he'd really like ABC video game so we went out of our way to go to GameStop to get that game. Now imagine as he's opening it he's saying 'i hope it's XYZ video game' and when he realizes it's not he says - 'bummer, i really wanted XYZ - who wants ABC?..."

I think most kids don't personalize things and are so wrapped up in how they feel they don't think it impacts anyone else. Grrrrr... But - that's our job.

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No way. If you're going to give it back, which I don't recommend, he should earn it back somehow. Chore. Whatever. Maybe since it was a gift for his school accomplishment a super sincere apology would work. Personally, I would have already bought myself some stuff from my reading list with it AND I Would be seriously examining how my child thought that was OK in the bigger picture.

I might not harp further on this particular episode, but I would work on a thankful spirit. My mom used to take us volunteering in soup kitchens, thrift stores, wildlife centers, deaf and blind schools, hosting needy kids at holidays, you name it. We had to earn stuff and never got expensive gifts. Passing elementary school? I didn't even get a high school graduation gift other than a proud hug. My brother and I would NEVER have scoffed at a gift EVER. I don't even know what our parents would have done, but it wouldn't have been pretty. The point is, we knew better. I'd be looking into some exercises in perspective for him. He's young, he doesn't know how spoiled that action was.

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If hes old enough to be finishing grasdeschool hes ot just a little kid anymore and should realize how this is rude by then...I';d have a serious talk with him and then tell him he had to use it to buy books for a local homeless shelter or orphanage and give it to them ....or make him do a day at the soup kitchen to learn giving and greatfulness

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I think I would have said, it is rude and unacceptable to complain about a gift. If your father and I hear one more complaint vs. a thank you, it is no longer yours. And leave it at that. You kind of did that in a way. So I'd say if you hear any more complaints...take it away.

Maybe when giving it back to him, you can remind him that although, inside you can be disappointed about not receiving a gift you were hoping on, it is not ok to voice the complaint. And you hope in the future he will remember this when given another gift.

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My son is pretty good about stuff like this.
I've spoken with him about accepting gifts graciously and he has never had a problem with it.
You see, I have a sister who is an excellent example of what not to do in SO MANY situations, I only have to go over something she has done in the past and my son then knows how to behave.
Sometimes a persons only purpose in life is to be a bad example.
Just talk to your son about it, and remind him every so often
"I'd like to see some more gratitude and less attitude".

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Just keep repeating him about being polite, with THIS YOU ARE NOT TEACHING HIM TO LIE and say he likes something he dislikes, it is JUST a "THANK YOU",and a big hug after receiving a present from parents, friends or other people.
It is a matter of teaching good manners, kids will have that reaction sometimes, but just repeat to him what is having good manners, that is all.
I always remind to my kids say "thank you" whenever they receive something, a present, etc. even if they don't like it, I explain them it is not a lie, it is just to have manners and avoid hurt people's feelings who took time and spent money to give them something with love or friendship or appreciation. Just manners...and for that is repetition, repetition and act accordingly ourselves.....Do not worry...he will learn......just part of being a kid....!

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I think you did everything right. I think before I gave it back we would have a serious heart to heart on why we should be grateful for the things we get though.

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NO, not on the other hand..... he is just a kid.

You need to teach him right now.
There is no time better than the present.

You did the right thing by taking it away.
I would wait and wait until he says that he is sorry and that he will be more thankful.

I completely believe in good manners with my children and I always will.

He is learning and that is fine,but don't back down with this one. Stay strong and don't give it back until you can tell that he is understanding what he did wrong and that he will start to be more thankful for it.

Talk to him about it and see what he thinks.

Have a great summer with your little man.

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My six year old has this problem too(not comparing your son to mine..just saying) We had his brithday party this past Sunday...My Bf(his aunt) had asked me what he needed, instead of what he wanted. She knows he has more toys then anyone child should have. So, I asked him what clothes he wanted...He said..no clothes, I want a DS. I said tough cookies that is not happening. He got a leapster 2 for christmas a year ago and that was what he was going to have until he was older....

So, when the gift opening started and he came to Aunties gift..he was super excited for nothing..When he pulled out the clothes he looked at her and said..''I thought you were getting me a DS'' I was so heart broken...I have tried so hard to make life about love and giving and not receiving..and to have him turn around and act like he did, I wanted to send all his friends home..with their gifts.

I dont have answers for you..I hope to pull some ''what to do'' from your responses. We try so hard as mamas to do right by our kids...To some how see it back fire right in front of us.

Sure disappointment is a part of life...How do we approach teaching our children about it?? I thought I had done a good job...apparently I too need to go back to the drawing board.

I had my son call his Aunt. I told him he needed to say sorry for the way he acted. I dont think he should ''take'' back his emotion at the time..but know that the way he acted and what he said really hurt someone he loves alot. That just because he said he wanted a DS did not mean he would be getting it. He needed to learn from this and I am trying very hard to making this something to learn from.

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I've said the same thing to my own son when he was rude about not getting what he wanted. I kept a gift from him until he understood the value in appreciating gifts. I also discussed the importance of giving is better then recieiving. I told him that when I was a young child, that my parents weren't able to give me lots of presents, or get something I really wanted. That he needs to grateful that we are able to give him something at all. Since then, every year for christmas, my son picks out some toys for us to give to charities.

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I would have taken it back as soon as he complained. Then I would have calmly explained how rude and ungrateful he was being and educated him as to the many impoverished children that don't even know what iTunes is let alone have access to it.
The next thing would have been to have him write out why he should be grateful and list all the wonderful things he has to be grateful for. To be sure that he knew this is serious and that brattiness is intolerable, he would not have any chance of getting that card back. Border's partners with charities that allow you buy and donate books to children. If Barnes&Noble has that then your son should do that with his former gift card.

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I have no tolerance for ungrateful behavior. DD is only 5, so we haven't dealt wit this so far. However, if it comes up, I WILL be taking the gifts away from her. I think I would make her earn the gift back through good behavior & chores.

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I have a problem with this too. I would have taken it away and maybe put it aside for another time when he "earned it".

It's hard to do because they are only kids - but at the same time - you are raising him to be an accomplished, grateful kind adult - and that starts at day one.

Good luck...it's something we all work and struggle with.

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How old is he? FIfth grader? My 7 year old does this sort of thing. I think because she knows it is rude to say she doesn't like something after it has been decided. So instead she says "I hope..." five million times before hand. I think it is their way of trying to influence us, and not so directly rudenss. I think he was saying I really want and itunes card, and if it isn't, mayhbe mom and dad will fix it.

So I think you handled it well. Just express ot him, that it is never okay to comment on a gift, because no one MUST get you anything. So you must be appreciateive of anything. Explain that what he said could hurt the feelings of the gift giver. Leave it alone. If he does it again, after learning this rule, then you can discipline him. It was rude, but he needs to learn that. He isn't seeing another person's perspective, so show him.

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Yes, he's a kid, but old enough to understand. I guess I would have taken it and used it on myself. If you give it back to him you're letitng him know it's okay. Then, maybe the next time he'll learn to be greatful. I'm getting ready for the same thing and can only hope our son is greatful. We'll see.