13 answers

Son's Fiance' Broke off the Engagement.

My son is 24 years old and his 21 old fiance' broke it off with him because she still has feeling for a former boyfriend, and can't make up her mind who she wants to have a relationship with. What advise can I give my son when he tells me he is still hanging around her everyday, but she has not made up her mind yet?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Hi Everyone, Thank you for all your great advise and words wisdom from your own experiences. I forwarded your answers to my son Brian because he wanted to read what you all had to say. Just this morning he said that he broke it off with his ex-fiance Laura completely base on all the advise he got from mamasource(all of you) and his own feelings. He said it was really hard, but they both understood that they must do it. They parted with a kiss and both told the other that they loved them. He spent the morning deleting her pictures on his "My Space". He knows he is doing the right thing, he said "sometimes you gotta losse something completely to realize what you have done." Laura said she might be back on his door step in a month begging for him back and is afraid that he might already had move on to a new relationship. I sure did raise a great son who I am so very proud of. L. R.

More Answers

My heart goes out to you and your son. My son, 22 yrs. old, had a similar experience, except they weren't engaged. I know you feel the suffering that your son feels and it's hard to see your child hurting. My son waited a long time for this girl to make up her mind. They ended up getting back together, but my son then decided to break it off because many of the things that he and I had discussed appeared to be the case with her. We had discussed the possibility that her happiness during their relationship was a reflection of what he brought into her life. And she later proved that she had many personal issues that she was not mature enough to resolve. He saw this but not until he got back together with her for a short period of time. Now he's happy to be without her. What I would suggest is that you keep in close contact with how he's feeling. That you let him know that it's not because he's lacking anything, but rather she's lacking what she needs to make a decision. Although it seems like it's his problem, it's actually hers. Another thing that I repeatedly told my son is that you can choose to fall out of love with someone and that there isn't only one person meant for you. There are lots and lots of other women. Don't expect the same relationship with someone else. Enjoy what they have to offer instead of comparing your happiness to your ex. Hope this helps.

2 moms found this helpful

Well, I have a couple of ideas, based on my own personal experience: I have been happily married for 11 years, but before then I was engaged, then left that guy at the last minute because I had feelings for my former boyfriend, who used to keep me hanging, but who I ended up ending all contacts with when I finally realized HE was never going to make up his mind about me.

Funnily enough, after I closed up my contact with this ex-boyfriend, I met my current husband who is the most loving and caring and great person ever. I believe that if I did not end my indecision about my ex, I would have never been ready for a good new chapter in my life. And the truth is that the guy I was engaged to before was not right for me, even though he was a great guy, and I am happy we did not marry because I would have had doubts later, no question about it.

So, based on my experience, here it is: if she left him at the last minute for an ex, she does not love your son enough to make him happy. If she is that unstable at the beginning, when all you see is the positive and you are really up in the clouds, then it will not work and your son will have to fight on and off all the time to keep her love.

He does not deserve this at all. But unless he decides to end it, she will most likely keep him hoping for a while, like keeping her options open in case the other guys does not work out.

I can tell you all this from the bottom of my heart. I was in her position and thinking back I was not a very good person - not on purpose, but I wasn't as honest as I became later. And now that I love my husband to death even after 11 years, I can tell you that doubts at the early stages of a relationship will only get worse.

And my advice to you on how to get this over, if you are really up to it and if you do not think it's off the rails, is to call the girl yourself and have a chat with her one-on-one without your son there. Tell her to decide one way or the other and to stop leading them on (or whatever she is doing that is not ok). It's either yes or no, not a maybe, and she needs to decide now and tell you what she is giong to tell your son. You definitely love your son more than she loves him (my opinion only), so you have every right to do something to ensure he will be happy.

Hope this helps a little:)

2 moms found this helpful

Advice-
I called off 2 engagements because it didn't feel right, and you do always find someone better.
Tell your son to find someone else because it appears that this girl still has feeling for someone else. It would be best if your son had a clean break from this girl.
There is always someone better out there. Trust me. My feelings is its better to call off the engagement before you have to go through a divorce. JMHO.

2 moms found this helpful

It's "unfair" and sad for him (for the moment) but she has done him a GREAT service by being honest now, rather than going along with something not truly in her heart. I don't see her as a bad person at all. The great tragedy for him would have been to marry her, have a family and THEN she breaks it off because of X reason. THAT would have been horrible for him (less access to his children, she moves out of state, she remarries, someone else (fit or unfit) parenting his children, he having to pay child support and not being around his children as much, him missing them and vice versa, blah, blah, blah... you can imagine the scenarios...)

So it's sad for him right now and will be for awhile, but for his own sanity, he really needs to drop the rope and walk away. Why is he hanging around? Does he think she will change her mind? Maybe she will, but he really needs to be strong and walk away. If she really wants him (at this point, I hope she never goes back to him, he doesn't deserve someone who is not 100% sure) she'll find him.

2 moms found this helpful

Dear L.,

I think that you have to let him follow his heart, even if it gets broken again. We all have to go through heartbreaks. It makes us who we are. He'll figure it all out. He's a grown man, really. I understand that you want to protect him, but I think at this point you probably just have to let him do what he feels is right to do. It's better that his ex go through this now rather than after they were already married. She sounds like a smart person, to be honest. And if it really is meant to be, it will happen. I truly believe that whatever happens in life, is really meant to for some reason. We just don't know what the reason is right away. I think you've just got to be there for him and his feelings, regardless of what they are. It's part of our roles as "Mom".

Good luck,
M.

1 mom found this helpful

If he's not really looking for advice, then try not to give him any, but just be there for him and let him know that. Just be a good mother and be there for him. Its good for him to know now, before the marriage that something is wrong. If you feel that he wants it or needs it or you just have to speak your mind, then here is something similiar to what I said to a friend of mine: That by constantly hanging out with each other, your son and his ex aren't being fair to themselves. They both need to take a break from each other and stop hanging out so often. Yes, she may realize that he just doesn't do it for her, but he may also realize the same thing about her. Perhaps (if you and your sons can afford it) suggest a brothers get-away, to clear his head. He needs to get on with a separate life that doesn't include her in anyway, shape, or form. My mom once told me that its not necessarily the time spent together that determines how much a couple loves each other, but also the time spent away.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.

I would say during these times how much ever you say the problem will not be solved with words. When some one is in Love or Pain (It is the same Love that give pleasure will bring pain). Just being with him - Your presence and support will only help him at this time. Human memory is only for 2.5 days and out of site is out of mind. Taking him away to a holiday will also help. Diversion with some other active work / task will also help. What has helped my friend and it was quick was when she did a course with art of living She had mentioned the website as www.artofliving.org they teach some breathing exercise that does wonders. I did not believe it at first but after I saw my friend recover from such pain I do not have words to say other than just it was only WOW!!
I would say your Son is lucky to have his mom by his side. That is the best strength for him. My friend was new to this country and actually I met her in the market and she did not have friends also. She was in a very bad shape. We stopped for a cup of tea and I learnt her long sad story. It was hard to believe what she went through.

love
P.

1 mom found this helpful

This is a tough one. You are such a good mom to want to give him the best advice possible. It shows how much you care for him and his happiness. Unfortunately there isn't much you can say, only that you will be there for him if he needs anything or wants to talk-which needs to be done objectively if possible. He needs to process this in his own time. Even though you want to shake him and tell him that he needs a woman who wants him and only him it belittles his feelings and makes him feel like he is wrong in his thoughts. To tell him that he deserves so much better (which he obviously does) almost makes him want to defend how he feels and he will cling to it that much harder. I guess all you can say is that when he's ready, to look at all the angles and find what he feels is in his best interest. And hopefully he will see that he deserves much better than this fickle girl. It's hard to watch him set himself up for another fall if he takes her back but maybe he needs that to see what is really going on. Good luck to you!
~S.

1 mom found this helpful

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