Son's Father Getting Married

Is he still planning to be a part of your sons life after he moves? I would make sure to have a legal custodial plan in place as soon as possible! He still needs to support his son, even if he is leaving to start a new family. This new woman may not want him to be a part of his sons life, or she may feel they should have custody. You need to talk to your ex about his plans for your son, and get a legally binding plan for child support, and who and how visits will be planned.

Adam is young enough that he will just accept this new life as life in general. When you say you have raised him, I'm assuming that means you're the custodial parent, by choice, and that Dad got him on the occasional weekend. Now that Dad's life is expanding and changing, drastically, I hope that you have a parenting plan in place. With him living out of state, enforcement for support and the visitation frequency and location could get sticky. You could find yourself paying for airline tickets to N.C. for extended visits in the summer. So get that all worked out before he leaves the state.

As far as your ex getting married and having a 2nd child, he probably didn't tell you all that was happening in his life because 1) his criteria changed for marriage, 2) he didn't want to hurt your feelings or 3) didn't want to hear any comments to the contrary from you.

Adam will accept this new sibling just fine. You need to be accepting of this new sibling, Adam's new brother or sister encouraging a bond there. As for your feelings, it sounds as if you were holding out hope for a reconciliation somewhere down the line, it's not going to happen now and there's a period of grieving for what might have been going on. It's okay, it's human nature. Just don't let it hold you back or get you down. You have a beautiful little boy that you're sharing a life full of wonders with. You may or may not have an adult partner at some point in time to share him with and all that goes with it. But what you're feeling and going thru right now is more about you than it is about Adam and his adjustment. Take good care.

WHEW!! A.-- how painful for you and for him ( him in the future - I'm sorry to tell you I can almost guarantee he won't miss his '''' dad''''' now. ( unless the man has spent huge amounts of time co-parenting and clearly that is not the case--- I'm not trying to dis the man- just stating things from the babies point of view). As years go by answer each question he asks from this point of view:
never mind how I feel about this--- what does my boy need to know to help him feel good about himself.

So - when he asks where his Dad is - ''' he lives far away'''

when he asks '' why don't I see him''' say
''' because he lives far away''

when he asks ''' doesn't he love me? '''
say ''' if he doesn't he's flat nutso cause I LOVE
you HUGE amounts''

when he asks ''' what kind of person is he? - does he like music, work with wood, teach Jr. High--'''' answer
his factual question and try to see the real question that
may be underneath is '''' aren't I worth loving?-- doesn't he want to know me ? ---''' The truth is - the guy may be a friend of yours but he sounds terribly, sadly limited. Try to help your child see that the limitations are all in this guy--- not in the child you love.

Blessings,
Old Mom - aka - J.

And how do you deal with YOUR issues??? - -that's a TOTALLY different question - counseling, friends, - fill your life with other adults who love you ( as friends- as church-member or bowling buddies or ------- fill your life- and know that your beautiful incredible gift is the most wonderful, precious, fantastic joy - and just enjoy him ( and don't , don't , don't delay to set up child support payments - your baby deserves that support - and Washington is a pretty good state to live in - in that regard - it doesn NOT matter where Dad lives in the US -- Washington will collect child support-- and ladies- never forget that when your child turns into a teen- there is a totally different yardstick that support collection will insist on- but only if you ask 'em.

Old Mom

My father wasn't around when I was growing up either, but my mother NEVER spoke poorly of him. I now see him on occasion, but do not harbor any bad feelings. My mother provided plenty of love and parenting when I was growing up and I never felt like I was missing anything.

My dad is actually a nice guy and I enjoy spending time with him (I am now 32). I don't dwell on why he wasn't around, or wonder what could have been.

I think if you are as honest as you can be with your son, while keeping it positive, he will feel much better about himself in the longrun and not feel cheated out of having a father around.

A.,
Does the father have any plans on staying in touch and being a part of your son's future? Moving so far away it appears that he won't be very involved. When your son begins to ask, and it may be later in life than you think. Be honest, not hurtful/negative about why his father is not involved. Explain that it has nothing to do with him, your son, but that unfortuantely things just didn't work out but you were fortunate enought to at least have been with his father long enough to bring your son into your life and the joys that your son brings to you. Short and sweet. I know it seems difficult now, but life has a way of working out for the best. You and you son will have a very special bond and relationship.
Take care.

C.

This reminds me of my cousin who really wanted children. Her husband flat out refused. One day after they separated her husband came to her to tell her he had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and was getting married. I'm sure this doesn't help except to maybe let you know there are other truly crummy guys out there. I'm sorry he is being such a jerk. Lets hope he choses to walk away without making you miserable in the process by trying to get custody or long visitation or the like.

Hugs!
Do the best you can do, and never speak badly of his dad.
Ive recently became a single mom and some days it takes all i got to bite my tounge and tell him great things about his dad when he asks, hes 5. My baby doesnt remember his dad, he was 9 months old when he left, now 18 months.
Best of luck to you and your son!!

I would have Dad tell him that he is moving, as soon as possible and how he is going to stay in touch with your son. This will eliminate the possibility of you being the "bad guy" who chased him away.

Hi A.,

I know I am late with my response, but I wanted to add my two sense. If you are sadden by it take time to grieve. Rather than getting angry at him use your energy towards a positive you. It's hard but in the end you will thank yourself for being the better person. He has to look in the mirror every morning and that doesn't lie. Since your son is young you have the time to focus on handling it in a mature way. Anytime you have negative thoughts count to 1000 before you make the mistake of doing the wrong thing. When he understands, don't EVER say anything negative around your son about his father. It can cause him to take sides and blame himself. He is a fragile and innocent child and deserves to know each parent equally. What you create will simplify your life (less drama). Just believe (you deserve better)...God has something wonderful planned for you!

Don't say anything. Tell him later his father has moved. And give him avenue to keep in contact.

Find a good friend or counselor for your self and go scream and cry it all out there. I cannot imagine anything more hurtful for yourself. What a bum. My counselor keeps tell me that I need to wallow in my pain a little more. (I am always trying to move forward.) So find time to be angry at him, but don't bring it home to your son.

I agree with everyone here...do not speak badly of your ex in front of your son! My dad and mom split when i was one and my mom constantly shot my dad down, i never saw my dad because of what my mom said until i was nineteen years old and he died this year a year after first meeting him. even if you two cant live together think of the preciouse life you created. My five year old daughter that passed away, lived with who she thought her dad was and he never talked bad about me, we had a great relationship cause he was my best friend. You can never undo the hurt you cause by badmouthing an ex. Just take some deep breaths and hope for the best!

Hi Adrrienne, going through that myself, I felt like it was a slap in my face, and now they are looking for a place to live together, it's really hard. My son just turned 2, do you have sole custody? That is what I am doing right now, we were doing a 50/50 thing, but I think if he is with me 80% of the time he will have more stability and probably won't even remember us living together before hand. My life is all about what is best for him through all this spliting up business. Take care!

Wow, you have a wonderful specimen of a man here.. Does he plan on staying in contact with his son when he moves to the other side of the country? I think it will be very difficult for Adam to understand if / why his Dad suddenly isn't there any more. I would just tell him that, even though his dad loves hime (whether it's true or not), he had to make some decisions for his life and that's where it took him (that is when he's old enough to understand, of course). For now I'd just tell him that his dad had to move away. I wouldn't tell him too much of the new family yet, wait until he's bigger and understands better.

I'm really sorry for your situation, but ultimately it's your ex who's missing out on watching your wonderful son growing up.

I wish you a lot of strength in the months to come! S.

Oh, A., oh .... it's not 'just you' ... I'm so sorry.

Your son will notice. He will remember, and if you avoid talking about it, he will repress it, and trust/relationship/image-of-men problems will happen. Even if he was much younger, he would notice an emotional figure disappearing.

On the other hand, he was right that you guys shouldn't get married because of the baby ... I told my Ex I didn't want him to choose to *stay* married just because of the baby ... if he didn't want to be with *me* (which he didn't), I didn't want us to present a lie to the world (and the children) ... now, don't get me wrong, I was hoping I could change his mind about the leaving-me thing, and a couple of times I almost did, but in the end he left and I had our fourth child without him. (Our son was a gift--but was also, yes, very much an accident.)

Their dad is still very much in our lives, which is some ways easier and some ways harder (for me) than if he had gone away.

Every divorce/separation book about raising kids--every one!--says to not speak badly of the other partner if the kids can hear ... most say don't do it if the kids are anywhere within a block (whether this is because they might sneak up and you don't know or because they might sense the vibrations, well ... I think the latter ;) ). THIS IS VERY HARD. VERY VERY HARD. But try to commit to it anyhow. The more blunt books say straight out the truth that children perceive themselves to be of the mother and the father ... and they HAVE to be able to reconcile the two sources of themselves within themselves (even though, clearly, we messed up and didn't keep them reconciled out here in the non-inner-child world : ( ).

This guy. Wow. That's some negative hutzpah.
I am so sorry.
Thank you for trying to keep him in your son's life despite the difficulty.
Before he leaves the state, you have the right to sue for child support (it's way easier if you are both in the same state). If you want him to sometimes call and speak to the son you two share, you may want to avoid that ... or maybe having to pay every month will keep him aware that he has a responsibility to remember. 'Probably depends on his money status and money hangups.

Arrange everything for the defense and support of your son. ALL your decisions about interactions with his dad should be based on what is best for your son.

God bless.
--K.

A.,

My first reaction is that your son does NOT, in any way, need this liar in his life. This man does not sound like one that *I* would want in my child's life; there are plenty of bad habits he'll pick up in school.

At 18 months he will probably forget all about "dad" in a few months. If he does ask I'd say that daddy moved away and can't see him anymore. Or something simple like that.

For your issues you have every right to feel betrayed and lied to. If you feel you need it you could look for professional help, or maybe just a good friend that is willing to listen to you vent on multiple occasions.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Its always so sad when a relationship ends. I think when one person moves on it can be doubly sad for the other person because that really represents finality.....it really *is* over. At this point, it is important to remember that the only person you can control is yourself. What he does, who he marries, where he moves.....not within your control. The most sad part of this whole thing is that there is a small child involved. If your ex does move across the country, it will make it very difficult for them to have the kind of relationship a father and son should have. However, as tempting as it would be to lecture him about that, it is not your place to do so. Your primary concern is your son and your ex will have to live with his own consequences.

As for answering questions as your son gets older, I believe honesty is the best policy, but don't get into bitter details. "Why do mommy and Daddy live in different houses?" "Because Mommy and Daddy decided it would be best to not live together anymore, but we want you to know that we both love you very much and us not living together does not change our great love for you (then give a hug)." I think if you are always empathizing with your son (cry with him when he is sad, sit and listen when he wants to talk) it will only grow *your* relationship and bond with him. Just stay away from anger toward your ex.....that doesn't really help anyone (which I know is a lot harder said than done, but really, really try).