Son Riding with Friends

Hi, T.. I have a 17 yr. old son and I still want to know who he's riding with, if at all possible. When he's 18 it's up to him and you have to trust you've taught them well. You learn real quick who you can trust and who you can't just by being around them a while, observing from a distance, as they talk about different things, like driving! I would rather be a little over-protective and have my son than give him all the freedom he feels he should have without any supervision from me. I do think he's at an age he wants to find some independence, but with that independence comes responsibility. You didn't say, but does his father know these kids he's wanting to ride with? If so, do you trust his opinion? This is a time for lots of talking, between all of you, since he does live with his dad. You can't really give kids this age the benefit of the doubt because they just don't have all the judgement skills needed for driving and knowing who to, or not to, ride with. They don't want to seem 'UNCOOL,' and they want to ride. Good luck!!

Too many kids die each year from irresponsible driving. Tell you son you want to meet his friends. Meet there parents too. You will probably get a feeling on there responsibility by being around them a few times. It's not a definite on there capabilities, but it will give you an insight. Most importantly, don't feel bad about telling your son straight up how you feel. If you don't trust these kids....tell him...nicely....if possible. Then if you decide to let him drive around with them give him a time frame.....strictly if needed. If he can't conform to the time frame...his privilege is gone. Driving isn't a given......it is a privilege.....even if he is joy riding with friends. I truly believe at some point we have to let go and trust our kids decisions and the values we have instilled in them.....however at 14.....they are still kids and there judgment isn't always the best.....what is "in" is best. Remember though that one day he will be an adult and maybe a parent....he will understand then how you worried and why you choose to do what you do.
Good luck with your decision.
T.

Stick to your guns. Our kids didn't ride with other teens unless/until they passed muster with us. ONCE we let the younger one go with friends, the driver let one of the other kids drive, and he rolled the car twice. From that time on, our kids were chauffered by us, drove only with experienced older teens that we knew well (and that knew we were aware of their driving role.) Did the kids like it? Not a bit. As parents, get used to the idea that teens aren't going to be thrilled by your restrictions, disciplines. God put YOU in control for a reason: to raise them up in the way they should go, and to protect them from their own immaturity. by the time they are about 22 they are always amazed by how wise and smart their parents are (at least ours were.) Hang in there and do your job. Letting go, which is a natural stage, is a process, not a cut off date, and most parents survive :) I am a 3 time gramma now and don't regret being strict. And neither do my kids, who out strict me!

I personally think 14 is too young to start riding in the car with other teens. Let him know exactly what you're concerned about, though at that age it probably won't make much of an effect. Then offer to drop him off yourself where ever it is he's wanting to go with is friends. Yes, it might be a little embarrassing to him, but it's safer, and that's what's important in the long run. I actually went through this same issue with my own parents. They wouldn't let me ride in the car with any of my friends even when I was about to get my license myself. I completely understand their reasoning all these years later.

Hmm.. tough decision on this one. From my own experience, I wasnt allowed to ride with anyone unless they have had their license for like 6 months. (including my older brothers) But I would still probably want to meet the kids. If he doesnt want you to meet the kids well then he cant go now until you ride around the block with the driver? lol. Does he have a cell phone? Maybe compromise with him saying that he can go with his friends but you need to know exactly where hes goin and for him to call you as soon as you get there. That way you know he arrived safetly. Follow your heart and do what you think is best!

T., recently i was let on the inside of the teenage world through Facebook and My Space. I used to be a nanny and the kids who are teenagers now let me be their friend through those sites. I was always close to them, and considered them to be very smart, bright and have good values(one has a preacher for a father)and that's how they present themselves to the world and thier parents(who are not allowed on those sites) Now when they are with each other, they are totally different(unfortunatly).Nasty language, pictures of parties with drinks, drugs and sex(none of them are 18 yet).They cuss their parents on those sites who "spoil" their fun and tell stories about drinking and driving( that is supposed to be cool). Why I am telling you this, to the outside of the world they are pretty good kids(in private schools, play sports,have dreams for college). You know your son, but since you do not know his friends (who are older) can you really see him in the same car driven by anyone from "planet teenager"....after dark????Sometimes I think kids just loose their common sence when they hit 13. Couple of weeks ago people in our neighborhood(very nice) wittnessed 2 teenagers (13-14) having sex on the picnic table next to the playground on SATURDAY MORNING.....
I am scared of teenage years, sound like you're handling it very well:)

Why don't you let him have some of his friends over one night for movie/sleepover/pizza. That way you can meet them and be the COOL mom istead of overprotective. Let you son pick out several movies, video games, board games, etc. Have fun with it! This way you can see his friends personalities and the way they act. As for riding around with his friends make sure he knows the law and the dangers. (drinking, cell phones, seatbelts) Also let him know that you trust him and if he ever doesn't feel safe he can always call you-no questions asked.

I have two sons, 22 and 17. Their dad and I set rules about when and where and at what age they could ride or go out with their friends, and we stuck to them. Some states, even in NC, set laws about how many people and at what age, can be in vehicles based on the driver and passenger ages and time of day. Do not let some useless guilty feelings sway your choices. He is only 14! Not 17-18. He should be hanging out with friends his own age. He's not missing anything by not going out with older friends. His time will come just like theirs has.
You and your ex must set guidelines and stick to them. My 17 yr old still has to be in by 11:00pm on weekends, and bed at 10:00 pm on school nights. Believe me, he will understand when he is a parent.
It is not your job to be the fun parent vs the strict parent. It's your job to be the parent!

Tell him your concerns and worries..and then let go..you cant be there all the time.I am the mother of 2 starting to drive and let me tell you thats even more scary knowing what kind of drivers are out there but I trust my boys to use common sense and you should with yours as well..good luck..
S. B

Our 14 year old is also spreading his wings. We are wary about the fact that one of his best friends is 17. We have set boundaries. His curfew is 15-20 minutes after the movie he goes to is over. We live 5 minutes walking from the mall though. We also have a cell phone for him. He has to check in every 2 hours (unless we know he is in a movie) just to say hi and I haven't be abducted or hurt. That seemed to help our worries alot. Many of his friends use his phone to check in as well. His friends parents have his cell phone number so they feel more at ease as well. When our son says we are over protective we ask him how he thinks we feel when we hear sirens and don't know where he is. We also tell him if he doesn't want to do this for us then we don't have to let him have as much freedom as he has. I hope this helps. 14 is such a hard time in their lives.

You Poor thing your about to begin to have Grey Hairs and Earn everyone of them
Lady clarol and you will be one with the Cosmos soon and she will become your new best friend
T. you have every right to know who his friends are and get to know everything about them.
And you are willing to allow him to spread his wings.
You always knew there was a Prince underall of that froggy skin he was Hidding under and now everyone else knows it.
But he needs time to adjust to ease into this New Found popularity andf your there to make sure he dosnt hurt himself on all of this New found fame.
So you just do what ever you have to girl to get him threw Fools hill

I am in the same boat with a 14 and a 16 year old. What I do to get to know my kids friends is I encourage them to have parties and sleepovers at my house and I volunteer at school on occasion. You get a good feel for what is going on that way, so when they do want to go out you know the kids and who seems to be ok and who isnt. Unfortunately with teenagers, if you are doing your job as a parent, the kids usually dont like you very well. But it is still your job to ensure his safety as best you can.

I think you should trust him. I realize how hard it can be to let him go and just trust his friend's and their driving skills. But keeping him from hanging out with his friend's will only alienate him from you and make him grow farther and farther apart from you. You don't want that. Trust his judgement for now; but if he is involved in an accident, tell him that you think he should not ride with them for a while until they have a little more driving experience. He's getting into those rebellious teenage years, and you don't want to push him further away. Don't worry though, I'm sure his friend's are good drivers and wouldn't let anything bad happen to your son.

I wasn't allowed to ride in the car with friends until I got my own driver's license. I hated it then b/c I was always younger than my friends but, as a parent now, I am going to use the same rule. When he is 16, he can go in the car. Why would he be hanging out with 16 yr old kids anyway if he is 14? Can't be good, he would learn things 2 yrs sooner than normal if he hung out with his own age. If he says you are over protective, tell him that when he has kids of his own, he can do it differently but in this day and the way things are, it is your job to keep him safe.

W. M

this is a hard call kids this age are more mature than they used to be they want to go from preteen to adult but yet as parents we would not be normal if we wernt concerned.sounds like he has many changes in his life and just wants you to trust him and his judgement but as a parent I know youare worried that he might get in with the wrong bunch of people in time he will understand.my questain is does his father know his friends?and if he does do you trust his judgement that hes hanging with a good bunch of young people?you might just want to take your son for a soda,shake or a burger and explain that you are only wanting whats best for him that he should understand.

Last year our area lost TWO students in separate accidents to inexperienced driving - both rather nice kids. In each case they were passengers.

You sound like a good mom with common sense - not an overprotective one as your son has labeled you. Having two teenagers myself (14 & 17) I am currently going through this myself.

My resolve - is I have become taxi. I know gas is expensive, but if the kids want to go here or there, then I'm the driver for now. The kids don't mind since most of them are strapped for money and don't want to use their gas anyways. As my two become more experienced, they can become the designated drivers.

Good luck and stay strong with your teenagers - you do know best :)

Dear T.,
I would stick with my "gut instincts" and not allow him to ride with any teenagers period. I know many here have suggested meeting them and all but it's like the Nanny said, they are entirely different when they are with other teens! A woman's intuition cannot be underestimated and many times I have heard preachers and marriage counselors tell the husband to listen to his wife because it's something that cannot be explained but it usually turns out to be "right"!

I have a close friend who lost her son after 18 years of loving him because his friend was inexperienced and crashed, costing her son's life. It's something you cannot take back once that decision is made, it's forever.

We saw a program on TV about the skills of younger drivers and it impacted my husband so much he said our daughter couldn't drive until she was 28! LOL! Really, it's not a laughing matter in this age of drive-by shootings and road rage. I will pray for you to have grace in handling the objections of your son and his Father who doesn't have the benefit of a "gut feeling". God Bless.

If he moved in with his father it should be the fathers responsibility to find out who he is hanging with. If he is living with them, he can easily say that you don't have a say so and it is really between you and the father to figure out what is acceptable between you both. If he isn't living with you and you get too "questionable" for him it could easily turn him against you and if his dad is like my childrens dad, the dad will make sure that he hates you forever. That is what my kids dad has done to them. You have heard of kids pitting the parents against each other but in my case the dad pits the kids against me. All I can do is pray and hope that God will take care of the situation. I know how I would like for him to take care of it but I know that God will do it in his own way and his own time.
You have to let go if they don't live with you. I should be their dad's responsibilty to keep them safe and disciplined.

T.,
Trust your instincts! New drivers lack the experience and good judgement that comes along with years of driving. They should not be driving other kids around when they first start out. Let your son know that you trust him, but you don't want him in a car with a new driver, however careful he/she is. Let him know that it's a safety issue. Remember that you're the parent. You know what's best. God bless!