Son Now Living with His Dad

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling.
It's common for us ladies to get so caught up in being Mom that we forget who we were before we had kids.
And whether they grow up and leave on good terms or not, we find we're really LOST when we're not needed like we use to be.
We sort of feel they should thank us on some level but they are too into striving for independence to be grateful.
There's really a grieving process that happens and you are going through it.
I think you've raised your eldest son as far as you can.
He might be going through a moody spat while living with your ex but he's going to remember the good times someday and I think he'll come around eventually.
Let him come to you - do not pursue him.
To be a parent is to eventually put yourself out of the job.
We raise them to hopefully become independent adults who have the capability to start and raise their own families.
Will your ex buy your other two? Who knows?
They are individuals who may or may not follow in the footsteps of their older brother.
You can't feel that you've failed because you have not.
You are going to be ok and you will find yourself again.
Hang in there.

He's 16. Take a step back. Try to evaluate the situation with less emotion.

Is he neglected at his father's? Is he abused?

Stay involved with his life as much as you can. Without guilting him. Without unloading on him.

And yes, as someone else suggested, you certainly sound depressed. You can discuss how you feel with your doc. You might be amazed at how 2 months on an antidepressant can bring back to normal you. The STRONG you, the SMART you, the you that brought the kid up in the first place.

Parenting is not a competition, just exactly what can't you 'compete' with? Parenting is a team effort. Perhaps your ex was a lousy husband, and maybe not the most involved father, that doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to START NOW being a father, or at anytime in the future.

You've still got two other kids who need you, pull yourself together and be the best you you can for them.

Strength and clarity to you.

:)

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As a child of divorce, all I can tell you is that eventually your son WILL see you & the situation clearly--with older eyes. Right now he is "in" their world. He believes what they say/think/do. Personally, if anyone is at fault, it's your ex because what he *should* be doing is showing respect for the mother of his children, encouraging the relationship. The GF sounds like a wacko, but she probably is not to blame for what happened between you & your son.
I'd probably reach out to him on a regular basis--call, email, FB, whatever your "norm" is. Let him know you love him and miss the closeness you once had together. It might take a while, but he'll come around. a boy only has O. mom. Kids just don't stop speaking to their mother for no reason. It doesn't sound like you did anything unethical, immoral, etc....Simply: He didn't like the rules. You were right to enforce them and your ex gave him an escape hatch. And THAT was wrong.
Please look into a group for divorced parents or try to find a counselor. Obviously this is crushing your heart. It will be good to talk about it to someone that can get a little more involved in the story and listen with unbiased ears. All the best!

L., I am sorry for your situation. I know right now it must feel like you are being left behind by your son and that your relationship will never be what it once was. Take heart. Your son is a teenager, and teenagers are difficult. Do your best to be respectful and loving to your son. Make sure he knows he can still count on you to be there for him, and that you love him. I am sure that as he grows out of teenager-hood (if that is a word!) things will improve.

Like many teenagers, I did not get along with my parents at all and could not wait to move out of their house. Once I had my own space, and grew up a bit, our relationship improved very much. My mom shed many a tear about my behavior and our deteriorated relationship, and now we are very close. Likewise, my husband pulled a similar stunt as your son. He did not like Dad's rules and decided he was going to go live with his mom to get some "space". He and his dad barely spoke for the next few years as they were both very angry with each other. One day, his dad picked him up and they went for a drive, and his dad asked him what he wanted out of life. He agreed to assist him in paying for college. And...then it was all fine. They have gotten along ever since and my husband sees his Dad's point of view on most things.

It sounds like your son just needs some time to grow up. You will NEVER be replaced, You are his MOM and deep down, under all those teenager hormones and emotions, he loves you. Again, keep showing him you love him and can be counted on when he needs you, without pushing too hard for love in return (although respect should be demanded of course. Do not put up with it if he is disrespectful. tell him straight out you will not tolerate that, and walk away or hang up the phone if needed...) Hugs to you, it will get better!

i agree with jo completely in everything she said and worry too that you're going to push the other two away. Find a way to reconnect with your oldest and find out what bothers him abotu your relationship with him and listen and take criticisim ad also be honest with him. He said he needed space maybe you doted on him too much and he didnt want to be as close as you wanted. It doesnt mean that he doesnt love you, maybe he J. needs to grow and be independent and have you help him along the way instead of being buddies.

L.:

Please take a deep breath. let it out slowly. Breathe again.

DO NOT lose it. I know your pain. I know your hurt. I empathize with you. My daughter is 25. She hasn't spoken TO ME in 4 years. Her father and I divorced when she was 9. She lived with me after wards and then when her dad was moving back to the States - she moved with him...we (Bob and I) moved back the following year and got married a year later. She decided to stay with him in St. Louis, which was fine. We saw each other about every 3 months.

To this day - she will not tell me why she won't speak with me. She has dropped all communication with my family - my parents, my sister and all my nieces and nephews - her cousins. EVERYONE is at a loss.

My ex has since remarried. His wife, whom I really like, has kept me in the loop in her life and doesn't truly understand it either. My daughter told me when she was engaged - I was happy for her, she told me when she was breaking up with him...it was after their breakup that she stopped talking....

What can you do? Nothing but pray...I know that sounds harsh and cold.... One day something will click and they will come back. I know the more I wrote, called and "begged" - the worse it got. So what do I do? I pray. Every day - I pray that she's safe. I pray that ONE DAY she will tell me what it was that was SOOO horrible that she dropped two dozen people from her life....

I don't know of any support groups - however - you may look into divorce support groups and find other people who have "lost" their children due to divorce.

I'm truly sorry. Please keep your chin up. Don't look behind you. You can't change the past. Don't beg for his forgiveness. Tell him you are sorry for whatever the fight was over and then let the ball be in HIS court. You live your life every day - do and be the best you can and don't get caught up in his "let's see how many hoops mom can jump through"...

You went from you & your oldest having the best relationship in the world, to him moving out of your home over one fight, but don't tell us what it was about. Then you go on & on about how disrespectful he is. Now....if you have a great relationship with him, then he's not disrespectful. If what you meant to say was that you had a trumped-up argument over essentially nothing & your son chose to move back in with his father (and more imporatntly, his father's money) even though he previously hated him, then it sounds like your kid was/is super-greedy. When he said he needed "space" did he mean that physically or mentally? Was he talking about his bedroom not being big enough or that you were constantly breathing down his neck? Keep in mind, I'm not saying that kids need everything money can buy ever. I also believe that it's our job as parents to look out for our kids in every way we possibly can. With that being said, there does come a time where it's time to take a step back & start allowing our kids to think, act, & live for themselves. It's part of the growing up process & it's your job as a parent to allow them to do that, but still be there to catch them if they start to fall at all. Just my 2 cents.

I think you need to find a counselor for your depression and to give you tips on how to be strong vs feel crushed. It is a big thing for your kid to move out, and to move to a new home.

If the son calls the GF his stepmom, try to look at it as she's someone that cares about him. Trust me, as a stepmother myself, there is NO ONE who can take your place, even if you abdicate the role. You are always his mother.

I think that some of it might be teen angst exacerbated by the ability to leave. How many of us wanted to run away but had nowhere to go? I'm sorry that your son has chosen this route and has hurt you in the process. I would reach out, but not grovel.

I would also have some frank talks with the other kids (who are teens, right?) about finances and how you do provide for them and that life is more than just trinkets.

You should also look at your court order and hold your ex to it. My SD's mom tried to get custody a couple of times and DH did not agree, but said that she (and SD) could take it to court and they would all discuss it before a judge. You don't have to just give up. You get informed so you don't get blindsided.

Unfortunately once they are 18 and out of HS, they can make a lot of choices you don't agree with. I hope for everyone's sakes that your son gets over himself. My oldest nephew was very very angry for a while and lashed out at my DH when he was really angry at his own father. He's turned around now and they have a good relationship. DH just kept an open door.

I really don't believe kids can be bought unless they were raised that way.

If you want to fix this you need to figure out why he really left and not what you are comfortable in accepting.

It could be you but more likely it is that your ex is giving him the attention he has always needed. To deny your child what he needs because of your needs is selfish.

Sorry but sometimes being a good mom means letting go of your kids.

I worry about your younger two because you seem to be on track to cling to them therefore driving them away. Then you will blame that on your ex's money.

You need a support group or a therapist to help you sort through this, so you can find happiness in your children as they are.

There's so much pressure and guilt and expectation that children "should" always live with their mothers and if they don't then the mother must be a failure.

Do you want to know why your son was able to tell you that he wanted to live with his father? Because he knows that in spite of your fight with him, in spite of what happened between you, that you will love him no matter what he says or does.

He needs his father right now. His father was mostly absent before, correct? Well, now he's not. So your son is making up for lost time.

His father is probably overcompensating right now and being very lax on rules and that's very appealing to a teenager who is already rebelling very naturally. Right now his father is the utter opposite of you, who have been his rock and stability and moral compass.

Your son won't forget your lessons. He doesn't hate you. He's secure in how much you love him but he's NOT secure in his father's love. I have a feeling that right now, this is all a big fat test to see just how much his father loves him and if his father will stick around. He may have been a provider but he was never around to parent him.

This isn't about you, really. It's about your son's relationship with his dad and I would bet that the argument you two had was just an excuse to move out to be with his dad for a while. Then your son will grow up and mature a bit, or his father will screw up monumentally. Let's hope that his father does NOT screw up.

The best thing you can do right now for your son is to let him calmly know you love him, that his room his still there at your house, and he's welcome to come visit any time. If anyone is judging you, they can stuff it. What do they know? Kids live with their fathers all the time and they're no worse off for wear. What you need to remember most is that you need to put on a happy, brave face for your younger kids. They don't deserve a shadow of the mother than your eldest had.

I am so very sorry that you feel you have lost your son. I think at this point, you need to try to give him the "space" he thinks he needs. The GF is a new thing and just like a new toy, he will tire of it after while. He will also begin seeing things as they really are as he matures. I know that my daughter hurt me many times when she chose dad over me, but in the long run as she got older, things became more clear to her and she finally understood what had transpired and who her father really is. Time and maturity will work to your benefit, but you must be patient. Don't try to tell him anything about dad or the GF; he'll figure it out for himself and he will have a tremendous amount of respect for you when he does. Just hang in there and know that this situation is caused because of your son's immaturity and it will turn around.