Son Is Going Through a "Phase"

I think it's normal for a kid to think is mom/dad is mean when they are told "no" to something. What is concerning is his lack of personal responsibility. That can become a problem. That's what I think you should work on - getting him to accept responsibility and stop looking to blame others.

stop playing into it. shrug and agree and go on about your day.
phases are by definition bound to pass. they do so more quickly if you don't give them more attention than they're due.
khairete
S.

"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk."

I feel like I've recommended this book about 20 times in the last week, but it truly is what you need.

You don't have to fix this. This is actually something that, with your help and gentle guidance, he'll be able to work through on his own.

I could give you a long drawn out example of how to respond when he says "You're the meanest mommy ever!" but I'm just going to say....read the book. As Nervy Girl said the other day....it's a game changer.

How old is your son? How recently did this begin. What was going on when it started?

My 11 yo autistic grandson has been this way for years. He's now in counseling and I've learned to not argue with him. Calmly say from my viewpoint I think this happened and then drop it. Give him a logical consequence if he misbehaved; otherwise let it go. The more you try to convince him he's wrong the more adamant he'll be. By giving him space he may eventually understand better.

My grandson also says such things as school is dumb. The counselor suggested then making a positive comment back such as "I like the way you keep trying." And never try to convince him directly by saying no, it's not. The idea is to validate his feelings. You could also say "you think school is dumb" and let it go.

My grandson seems to be less negative overall.

Well it depends on how old he is but generally speaking I always responded to that kind of a statement with a "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then I moved on. If you are engaging him and giving him attention/negotiating/trying to reason with him then it will only escalate. If you let him know you heard him, shrug your shoulders, say that's too bad and move on he's going to realize that he has no one to "argue" with and he'll need to accept whatever it is he needs to do or be held accountable for.

I TRY(note the word "try") to discipline out of love, and not frustration or anger so in that spirit, that is how I would explain it to my son. When playing the victim, this might be how I would word it to a 7 yr old:

" I said no more cookies because I love you and want you to eat a healthy dinner."
"Dad said no to riding your bike in the street because he loves you and doesn't want you to get hit by a car. Later, I can watch you in the street."
" I said no more tv because I love you and don't want you to become a tv zombie. I want you to go out and play and have fun with your friends."
"I said it's bedtime because I want you to get a good night's sleep and have a good day tomorrow."

And after a statement like this, I don't engage in any arguing--boom! done!

As far as something going wrong in his day, I guess I would just talk with him and help him figure out how he might have played a role in the problem, or stress that everyone has bad things happen to them. The big thing I would focus on is HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER. I think problem solving strategies are great life lessons. They make a person more resilient and less the poor little victim.

How old is he? Different advice for little kids vs. pre-teens. It's fairly natural (and not good) for kids to develop a need to blame others and deflect things to get away from being told what to do....you have to snuff that. Refute it concisely and move on. Tell him not to whine or blame people or whatever he's doing. etc. If he persists in whining and such, warn him that "you'll show him mean". Maybe not in those words, but maybe :) And follow through with whatever warning you give him. every time.

We just had a friends granddaughter stay with us for a few days while her grandma who raises her had some emergency medical stuff happening. God bless this child, she is spoiled rotten and her behavior is terrible. I have never been so exhausted. She is the QUEEN of, "You're mean, I shouldn't have to, well they didn't have to do that, well she made me do it..."

She SAT THERE at the homework table where all my kids were doing their homework-including my daughter her age who was doing the SAME EXACT WORD FIND she was, only she whined that she didn't have to do it, and then that she didn't know how to do it, and that she needed help.... When I told her, "There is no other solution to a word find other than to look for the words. I'm not going to find the words for you. Do your homework. Now. Everyone is going to bed in 15 minutes." She started crying and saying I was mean. She's FREAKING 8 YEARS OLD!!!!??!!! Crying?!?

Once everyone was done but her, I sent everyone to bed. She went to school with the word find incomplete. She came home mad at me because she got kept in at recess to do her word find. She said, "I told the teacher it was because I was staying at your house and there wasn't time to do it." I said STERNLY, "Oh really? You said that? You lied to your teacher? That's not good. Because really, you had the same amount of time to do your homework that everyone else did and you refused to do it. I'll have to have a talk with her. You shouldn't tell lies."

Granted this isn't fair to a child who has never been properly disciplined and has no clue how to act. But I'm just saying.

Snuff this tendency!!!! It gets UGLY!!!!

It's challenging when a person declares something that is obviously not true.

If a child says that the kids at school don't like him, that may be true. So in that instance, it might be worth exploring through discussion or role-playing. "Why does it seem to you that kids don't like you?" "How can you be a better friend?" Or if a person says that his friend is angry at him, you can ask "what happened?" or "what can you do next time to stop the argument or fight?" "how can you apologize to your friend?" or other questions that might lead to understanding or that might help the person realize that this is not a healthy friendship, or that perhaps he was not behaving in a friendly way or maybe it will occur to him that he simply misinterpreted the situation. In other words, self-discovery and growth towards being a better person and forming healthy relationships, which is a good thing.

However, sometimes a child states what is obviously not true. "You wouldn't let me eat ice cream for dinner. You're mean", or "You're mean to me because you made me do my homework when I was playing a video game" or "You hate me. Everyone else gets to watch that movie". In those instances you are actually parenting, instilling responsibility, or simply following your convictions (no, your 5 year old will not watch an R rated movie). You have your rules and you're sticking to them. No video games until that homework is done.

So, the inclination is to debate these types of arguments, and get the child to see the reasoning. We tend to say "no, I'm not being mean. Do you think it's mean for me to tell you to pick up your dirty clothes?" And we want to arrive at a point where the child says "ok, you're not mean. I get it."

But it's pointless. What works better is to simply state (in the form of a sentence, without an implied or stated question): "I told you to do your homework. You will not have privileges or electronics until it's done." Don't even debate the "mean" accusation. Don't dignify it with a response. If your child says "my friends all hate me", when you know that is not true, don't get into a debate. Simply state "you have nice friends" or "It was fun watching you and your friends at the playground yesterday" and walk away. If he says "dad is stupid" because dad said that there would be manners at the dinner table or because dad said there would be no cussing in the house or because dad made him go get his bike out of the driveway and put it away properly, don't ask "why is that stupid" or even say "why would you think that is stupid?". Just say something to the effect of "you will cooperate with our rules or lose the privilege of watching tv with the family (or going to the zoo next week or playing Wii with everyone or riding your bike or whatever)". No debate, no discussion. State the facts. Walk away. Unless he is developmentally challenged, he completely sees it, but the attention of debating it and the dragging-on of the discussion and seeing the frustration of the adults as they desperately try to talk about the child's feelings and soothe him so he doesn't think they're being mean is a fascinating game to play and a fun theatrical performance to direct. Don't play into it. Don't be the audience. Don't be the target. Say "you know that's not true" and leave the arena. If he persists and ramps it up (now he's crying "you're soooo mean"), simply re-state it with great calmness. "You know that's not true". Don't elaborate. He'll understand that this tactic is useless.

Please update. It makes a big difference whether he is, say, earlier elementary age, or middle/high school. Younger kids go through these stages at times, where "No" is the meanest thing ever. His "you're all out to get me" is just a way to say, "I didn't get what I wanted and that makes me mad" -- and you should ignore it. But in a much older kid, blaming others and seeing "no" as an attack is a bigger issue because...that's younger-kid behavior.

Don't let him get your goat and don't engage with him in discussions when you say "No" and he tells you you're mean. And do be sure to say "yes" whenever you can, to whatever's reasonable. It's easy as a parent to fall into the trap of so much "no" that we forget we should find ways to say "yes."

I'd stop the role playing. It isn't working and doesn't get through his determination that you're mean. "Mean" in the sense of people who beat up on you or take away your stuff at school does not really connect to what he interprets as "mean" when he tells you you're being mean to him. He tosses out the term when what he really is saying is he wants what he wants and he wants it now. That's the part you ignore.

One sentence to use over and over: He says you're mean for saying no. You say, once only: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but the answer is still no." Then mention something else he could go do at that moment. But don't engage in any further discussion.

"Tiger-Tiger Is it True?" by Byron Katie

This is so normal for a kid that age, my son is just now starting to grow out of it at 9.