Son Hits Me and Grandma When Angry

This sounds so incredibly familiar. My son did the same thing at about the same age. I tried everything from time outs, taking away toys, etc. I was never a "spanker" with my two children. I remember one occassion when my parents were over at my house and I was decorating the Christmas tree. My son was by my side hitting me, one hand after the other. This time I was trying the "ignore him" tactic. Needless to say this didn't work either. My own mother finally had enough of watching him do this to me, she picked him up and took him in the other room. (I could see her biting her own lip...she was so angry) She held him by both arms and tried to talk to him calmly...while I just looked on with no other options to offer either. It was a very difficult time with him. But just know this....He WILL outgrow this. My son is now 13, and he gives me lots of hugs instead of hits. He's a very lovable boy and he has a big heart. When he would at times say "I hate you", I always responded with "Well I love you".

By telling him over and over and over and over.....
It will take time, but when he does these things, grab his hand and sternly say no! We dont do that. Its consistancy that will help him learn social skills like this.

Time out! Even if he's uncomfortable and in pain he can't hit. At first you may have to even literally hold him down in the time out char (and it would be for 1 minute/yr of age). Unacceptable! And don't hit a hitter---that makes it worse. (Been through this--This is because my son was the biggest hitter ever.)

Hi S.,
My son is 15 months and is just starting to do the same thing. He is also biting a lot which really hurts. He is my second boy and for a little while my older one did it too. I know it's just because they are frustrated and hurting (teething) and they can't express the words. I first of all tell him to stop, that hitting mommy (or his brother) is not okay. Even at such a young age, they need to be told the rules. If I was holding him, I put him down. I have started to use the "naughty chair" like you see on Super Nanny. They are very young for it, but many of the experts recommend this as young at 13 months. I put him in the chair and tell him he needs to sit there for one minute. I tell him he can't hit or bite and I turn my back to him while he's in the chair. Anyway, not much advice, huh? i know the phase usually passes in most kids. I also know it's a sign that he feels most comfortable around you and grandma because they usually only act their worst with people they know love them. Best of luck with this and everything.
-J.

When you notice your son is getting a new tooth, talk to him calmly acknowledging understanding of a new tooth arriving and it hurting. "Wow, you have a new tooth coming in. Does it hurt lot?" If so give him something to soothe it like a soft frozen carrot or put on medication. If he tries to hit you, stop him and say "No! When you hit (pull hair) it hurts (me or grandma, etc)." You might add, "Just because your tooth hurts you, you cannot hurt others." Then try to distract his behavior with another activity. If he needs to hit, figure out an appropriate place for him to hit, like hitting a ball, or a drum or play hammer on wood. Then compliment him on appropriate behavior ASAP.

My son used to do that when he was your childs age, we would tell him in a firm tone of voice that it was not appropriate, and what he's done is unacceptable, and we put him on time out for 2 minutes, of course he cries and screams, but after a while of being ignored, he eventually gets himself out of time out and approaches us, and says "no more crying", that's when we tell him that hitting is "not nice" and everytime he hits he goes to time out, and eventually it rarely happens now. He just turned 3 and he does not do it so often ; but when he is caught doing it , we give him that Firm tone of voice and remind him again; he walks away and sits himself to timeout. This time when he get out of time out we ask him why he sat on time out, he has to tell us why he got in trouble. We made sure he knows that he does not take control. We have never hit him or spanked him, because he will only think that was O.k. when it is not allowed.
Hope that helps.

My 20 month old is very physical as well... I think they are just acting what is natural to them. However, when they are hurting others (mine used to throw metal toy trains at his older brother or hit when he got mad, too) you HAVE to tell him no. At 18 months, he can understand this so I would just be very firm with him and say NO Hitting (not yelling) every time. You could also show him by doing it to yourself again so that he understands what you are talking about (sounds kind of silly), like pulling your hair gently and saying NO pulling hair... owies. And if he understands words like "owies" or whatever term you use for getting hurt, you can say that he is giving you "owies" or whatever. Baby talk!

Immediately grab his hand to stop him and say in a FIRM voice---"no hitting/hair pulling, etc. Hitting/hair pulling HURTS mommy". Just keep doing that---he's little and doesn't yet understand. If he's still doing it after a month or two, then consider 1 minute time outs. My advice is to give him a chance to learn from your verbal insructions, then if it doesn't work, progress to the time out. This is entirely normal, so don't worry it too much.

I didn't read all of the responses so if I'm repeating advice, I agree with whoever shared it! It is important to acknowledge his feelings (in simple terms). Kids want to feel like they are being heard even though they can't always express their feelings with words. You can say the words for them sitting down at their level. Also while it's important to have consequences for bad behavior, be sure to also teach him alternative ways to get his frustration out. Of course let him know it's not ok to hit because it hurts people (again, keep it simple as their little brains can only absorb so much right now). Get him one of those blow up punching bags for kids and make it fun... when you feel angry you can punch this guy cuz he's not real or hit a pillow but not people or animals. As he gets older you can tell him to express his feelings with words, there are children's books out there that can help teach them about feelings (happy, sad, angry, etc.) We have Little Bear's Happy Face Sad Face board book (a first book about feelings by Lynn Offerman) which comes with 4 different teddy bear wooden heads to place on the different pages which each illustrate different feelings, one is happy, one is sad, etc. Kids act out like that when they don't understand what they are experiencing because it's frustrating. And it's completely normal at this age so hang in there!

Hi S.,

Teething is a lot more painful than we realize. Different people have different tolerance for pain, and babies are people!

Two of my 3 children developed ear infections and one of them sinus infections when they were teething due to the increased saliva and mucus from the irritation of the gumline. It took me a while to realize the correlation.

I also observed the babies and toddlers in my daycare at the time: they all modified their behaviors during teething, were more irritable, non-cooperative, changed eating patterns, sleeping, pooping, you name it!

Besides teething, even as little people, it's only normal that they too should have a hard day here and there!

The difference is: how do we teach our children to deal with these hard days?

I know what it is to be tired, and how difficult it can be to muster up that last hour or two at the end of the day to be patient with our children. Yet the payoff is huge!

When he is exhibiting this behavior be stern and firm: hold his hands look at him and say no! If he is agitated, hold him in your arms until he calms down. Talk to him gently but firmly like you mean business. When you sense he is calming down, then begin to turn your hold into a hug, talk to him gently, whisper in his ears, caress his little face and show him your love! Ask him how he's feeling: he knows what you mean. If he's hurting he'll show you where, if he's just grumpy he'll shrug his shoulders...either way it's your cue to show him some LUV! compassion and understanding! Isn't that what we want when we're feeling low?

Sometimes just changing environments can help, take him outside, put on some music and start dancing, tell him no on the striking, and distract him with another outlet for his energy.

Many little ones are upset that their parents are gone for so long! Not your fault, not theirs, just life...so don't feel bad about that! Just take the moment to give your baby that much more love and attention. I would always encourage my daycare parents to ease the transition when they came to pick up their kids: visit with them in their environment for 10 mns or so. Have your child show you his favorite toys and such. Don't rush out the door right away. Arrange this little transition time with your caretaker if you can. Slow down whenever you can.

Our children need to understand that it's ok to feel badly, whether it's teething, any body ache, or just having a grumpy old day! It's how they exhibit their feelings that differs. And only we can teach them how to respond to that. If you're working full time, make sure that his caretaker is consistent with your choice of how to deal with his ill humors.

One thing I am glad not to hear from you: the old "boys will be boys" attitude. To me this has always been an excuse to perpetuate a double standard, and our society as a whole suffers. I too have a sweet little boy! He's ten now, and he's still a sweet kid with a good sense of justice and fairness in the world!

Hang in there. Trust your compass! And enjoy your son, he'll be grown before you know it!

In friendship and support,
V.

S., I know its hard being a single mom Kudos to you!! I learned from a friend that children do not learn empathy until the age of 3-4 years old...meaning that their brains don't grasp the concept that when they do something like hit someone that it hurts that person. They do however learn from your reaction. With my son I would say ouch and cry (not really but dig deep with the acting skills) this seemed to clear up the issue quickly and positively. Good luck

Hi S.,
Your tone of voice will say a lot. You don't need to raise your voice, just use your tone and facial expressions to let him know this hurts and isnt' okay. Nice hands. Mommy and grandma use nice hands, (son's name) needs to use nice hands too. It is okay for you to say "ouch", that hurts, we use nice hands...
Most of the time, children this age will respond to the tone of your voice and the expression on your face. They are learning about social modeling...this will cue him into this not being okay. You could also speak in terms of it hurting your feelings etc.
This has always been successful for me...

Your son is still to young to understand alot of verbal explanations. Keep it short and sweet.You can forget about the time out, or holding him down in a chair..His attention span,is to short for him to remember what the time out was for,and holding him down in a chair?? If he fights it, you can cause injury..both physical and (Mental) Its important to know, that your sons actions are normal. Especially if hes teething.Hes in alot of pain,and frustrated,as to what to do with those feelings.Catch him,right at the time he begins to pull your hair,or hit,and say (Ouch) that hurts mommy.And give him a look of disapointment. Kids hate when they disapoint mommy or daddy.I wouldn't drill him with (The NO word,but i'd use that a few times as well.He will get the message,after a short time.Just stay calm,don't scream,but be stern when you tell him.Keep some soothing things for your son to chew on,that will help the pain and discomfort hes experiencing right now.The best of luck to you S..

He is still a baby. He will learn in time. Let him know it is unacceptable when it happens. A very unhappy face, a stern face, etc, and remove him from you. Don't hit back as someone suggested. Hitting teaches hitting. Bad idea. He has few means of expressing pain or frustration at 18 months. It doesn't mean he will grow up to be a violent kid, or a hitter. He will grow out of it. His mom works a full time job and is exhausted. Kids pick up on that in a second. Hang in there, and know that this will pass. When he is 15 you will be longing for the days when this was your biggest issue. Mom of four, 23 to 8. :0)

My son did this around the same age (maybe earlier) and then later when his little sister came along. I just told him every time "it's not okay to hit". Then I would get saavy at knowing when he was "about to do it" and grab his hand before the hit took place and repeat, "it's not okay to hit". Consistency did the trick...eventually he stopped. As for hitting his sister, I had to give him an alternative to express his anger or frustration. So I consistently gave him a time out for hitting his sister saying, "you are in time out for hitting your sister" (he was 2 years old) then ask him to use his words and I would give him examples, "no, maya" I told him it was okay to shout a little and maybe even growl grhhhh....to vent at her but not to hit. That did the trick too....hope that helps.

Hi S.,

It is a phase but you need to give firm time-outs immediately when this happens. At his age, the time-out should only be for a minute. Just have him sit on a chair so it disrupts the event. Whatever you do, never hit him because he'll learn that's an acceptable way to deal with things. Once he's able to use words, the hitting should stop. Right now, he doesn't have a way to vent his anger, hurt, etc., except physically.

V.

My son is almost 3 and started raising his hand and trying to hit me. I tel him in a stern voice that hitting mommy is no nice and it hurts mommy. then he sits in time. out. At 18 months they are begining to understand hurting and pain I would be stern and let him know that hitting is not okay and he needs to go sit in time out.

Hi S., at 18 months, I would slap his hand each time, and just say no, dont appear angry, I know it looks like you are doing what you are trying to teach him not to do, but here is where some mothers today don't get it, you are the parent and he is the child, and as a daycare provider and have seen this much to often where who the parent is and who the child is has not been astablished in to many homes today.
Let me know how it turns out. J.

Hi, S.. Hitting is really common among young children because they don't know how to deal with their emotions just yet. What I did was, kneel down to their level, look my kids in their eyes and firmly tell them that this is not okay and he/she is hurting mommy. After the second offense, I take them to the naughty corner and make them sit facing the wall. You think they're too young to understand, but they will if you are consistant. If they get out of the corner, put them right back and say that this is what happens when you hit. For my two year old when she was a year, I would put her in the corner for 2-5 minutes. She's been really good at not hitting anymore. She use to think it was funny and because she has older siblings, they tend to fight all the time, but with my first child, it was very easy to nip that in the butt. Do it now because he may do it in daycare or preschool. Hang in there. Although it is exhausting, it is so worth it.

I.

My dear S.,

This is the best time to teach your son that it is wrong to hit anybody at any time, especially when he is angry. He needs his mom to help him grow in this. Everytime, he wants to hit you, take the time to intervene. The step that you could do is hold his hands firmly, look straight in his eyes at his eye level and say firmly, "no". You need to be consistent until he knows you meant it forever!
Give him alternative ways for him to express his anger. besides crying, help him listen to words like, " i know you feel like hitting me because you are hurt, but that does not take away your hurts". " This is wrong, then hug him and say that it's okay."

S., as you trust yourself that you need to do the right thing for his future good, the more calm you are in handling him. Compare to your age, he has only 18 months of words that he knows. He needs you to help him express his feelings in a more positive ways. They are our product of bring up in the future.

My youngest daughter used to hit me and others when she was a year old. Now she is eighteen years old and i am so glad i help her passed that stage. I learnt that's what parenting is all about. yes, it is a hard work but the paid off is very lasting and sweet. they are lots of positive ways to express our anger with different age, and this skill needs to be taught and not to be expected. this is one of the greatest legacy that we as parents can give to our children.

We, ourselves, need to check what we do when we are angry. Children learn a lot by watching us or tv programs as well.
All the best now. pray a lot for your children. they are the best protection for their soul as well.

God bless you,

S.

I think it's very normal for children to hit at this age. Both of my boys started hitting around 18 months and it was a big surprise, especially with my first child. My youngest is 18 months, super sweet, but also started hitting recently. I believe they do it bc they're frustrated and don't know how to communicate very well so that's one way to show their feelings. Teaching them sign language is helpful and could just pick a few if you feel too overwhelmed by the idea. I just try to anticipate the hitting and try to show them what a gentle touch is, or perhaps give them a one minute time out. It is something they grow out of eventually. It just takes time, as frustrating as that can be. It's very normal for children to express themselves in that way. Don't get discouraged and hang in there. Also, you could see what your son's doctor suggests.

I,personally,when faced this with my daughter,would tell her no with a frown and shake of my head, and the older she got I would tap her back. Not with the purpose of hurting her, it worked more for shock value. And she would have a consquencde happen. Ie: go stand in the corner, time out chair, whatever, but always with that feeling in the air that you're disppointing, not angry, and when she somes out, ask her (well, him) if he knows what happened, why we dont hit, etc. speaking in a manner that he understands. HTH :)

Do it back to him as fast as he did it to you. If he pulls your hair grab his before he has any time to think about. Pull it hard too. The harder the better. When he cries, explain that this is why you don't do it to you or anyone else. It hurts us too. If you don't surprize him and do it hard enough, he won't care to change this. (Ha Ha I can hurt you but you don't really hurt me because I will fake cry). Kids are smart you have to be smarter. (Do unto others as you'd have them do to you. Until he understands).

Good luck! The faster you teach him this concept the better he'll be. Because in school the kids will hit him back or he'll always be in trouble. J.

Your son's hitting and hair pulling is just a sign of frustration. You can deal better with his frustration if he is able to communicate with you. Teaching him some sign language accomplishes that. There may very well be something other than his teeth that hurt. After teaching my daughter sign language she told us that her eyes hurt. We took her to the doctor and found out that one of her tear ducts had completely grown closed.
I hope this helps,
H. Stanley

Don't be decieved, unless he has a learning delay that you didn't mention your son understands most of what you say to him. The key with toddlers is to keep it short and firm. When he hits or is otherwise aggressive grab his hand (not hard, just enough for him to not keep hitting) and say "ouch, hitting hurts. That is NOT okay." Then I would highly suggest putting him in timeout. I don't think timeout is generally successful for toddlers, but when they act aggressively it is usually a sign that they feel frustrated and out of control and need a break. After the previous statement sit him in the assigned spot, tell him simply why he is in timeout, and then watch the clock- at his age 1 1/2 minutes is plenty (it's a minute for each year of age). If he gets up, don't say a word just sit him back down (ala supernanny). Each time he gets up the time starts over, and the first few times he'll get up a lot. I do it with my 20 month old and now all I have to do is look at her (usually) to get her to sit back down. This will convey to him that aggression is serious, but you're not giving him much interaction to encourage further transgressions.

Another thing you can do is, when he is calm and happy, talk about how hitting hurts and is not okay. Be calm and listen to his responses- we use kitty and practice giving "nice" touches. Just be patient and don't freak out, and it will pass!

For the next few days, sit back and observe what is triggering him to hit and pull hair.

Is he upset because he is not getting his way, much like a temper tantrum? If that's the case, when he strikes out or go to pull your hair, as calmly as possible, take his hands and redirect his hands very gently and say quite simply something positive like, "We touch people gently." After that, redirect your attention to something else (not him) and don't go into a whole long diatribe about why hitting or pulling hair is bad. The point is that you want to send him the message that he is not going to get your attention or a reaction out of you if he hits or pulls hair.

Is it striking out or pulling hair because he's frustrated because of limited ability to communicate what he needs from you at this time? If so, do same as above but instead of completely ignoring him after the episode, take a moment to teach him how to ask appropriately for what he wants. If he is not talking yet, sign language is usually a good way to facilitate communication skills and the signs for "more," "eat," "drink," and "tired" are very easy to learn.

You can also pick up the Hands are Not for Hitting and Teeth are Not for Biting books from the library to read to him.

I hope my suggestions work for you. Good luck!