Son Doesn't Know Real Dad.

I am so sorry to hear this. How hard for everyone!

Get a really, really good attorney who is experienced with divorce and custody issues. Susan Teller in Portland is excellent with these types of cases. Whatever it costs, get the best you can. Good luck!

Hi B.,
I don't know how you really feel about this. I have 4 older kids, who's father stayed out of there life till they became adults. No child support or even a note to say hi.
I now have a 4 yr old son and got married to my best friend 3 yrs ago. My husband is not my son bio father. His father moved across the country as soon as I found out I was regnant. He denies being his father and will not even take a paternity test.
My husband and I are filling for stepparent adoption. I found out that I can fill abandonment on his father and the judge most likely will sign the papers and my husband will be his dad.
You can contact the Lewis and Clark college here in Portland. They maybe able to help you with legal help or tell you who can help you.
I have a question, is the man's name on the birth certificate? If not he may have know legal rights to him.
Hope this helps you
Good luck

Hi B.,

I am so sorry, what a tough place to be in. I have a few thoughts for you, I hope they help.

First of all, if there isn't alreay a visitation order in place, there is no reason you have to give in to his demands for immediate visitation. Just because he wants visitation doesn't mean he automatically gets it, especially if he's had no contact in th past. Stick to your guns in this one, and do what is best for your son.

If you haven't already contacted a family lawyer, you might want to do so. A lawyer can guide you through this whole process. Also, if this goes to court, and it sounds like it will, the court will probably assign your son a guardian ad litum (sp??). If not, ask for one. These guardians act in the best interests of your son, and will advocate in court for what is best for him...this person acts soley for your son and is totally independent of you and your son's biological father. A guardian like this will work with everyone involved to help your son.

Also, you may want to consider getting some counseling, both for yourself and for your son. This is an emotional time for everyone involved, and all of you could use some extra support right now. You are doing the right thing by being honest with your son. I know it's hard to know what to say to him, and one of the benefits of counseling is that the counselor can help you decide what to say and when to say it. I wouldn't hide the situation from him, as this may confuse him even more, but you don't have to give him all of the details either--he can only handle so much at one time.

Also, be sure to take some time for you as well. You can't really help your son to the best of your ability if you don't take care of yourself...go for walks, call a friend, talk to you husband, whatever, when you feel stressed and need a break. This is hard, but you will get through this.

Hang in there. I wish you and your family the best.

B.,

Get thee to a lawyer. If for six years this man has had no contact with his child(ren) then I see no reason for him to try and invade your healthy happy family unit. These kids have a father, he may not be the biological one, but he's been there when it counted.

I would resist the joint custody at this point, he is virtually a stranger to your kids. Depending on the character of this man I'd reluctantly agree to visitation, but put it on his shoulders to fund the visitations.

The protective Mama Bear in me wants to know, why now? after six years why does he all of a sudden want to be a part of his children's lives? I'd be suspicious as h*ll about it.

I was a baby when my parents split. I was also about a year old when my dad got custody of me. From that custody hearing it was decided that he would have custody, and she would get visitation, but it was her financial responsibility to see that I got to her. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I saw her and have fingers left over. In this case though we lived in WA and she lived in OH, but the theory is the same.

Get some legal help. Protect your boy that is having a hard time just living.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

The only thing I can think of to tell you is that my heart goes out to you and you need to keep the faith. Any man can father a child, but it takes a real man can be a dad. It sounds to me like your son has that with your husband already and the "donor man" has no place anymore. I don't understand what would cause a person to come back and think they can walk right into a nice little life and expect it all to be good and normal....

It is okay for you to do whatever you need to in order to protect that feeling of security and safety for your little boy. Hold your own and hang in there.

I hope if this does go to court, you squash him like a bug!!!

It sounds like you have given your son a wonderful, secure foundation. I don't really have any real advice for you, but I just wanted to encourage you with the fact that you have given him the strong base he will need to get through this. I am also praying for all of you, too. That was the first thing I did when I read your post, and I will keep on doing it. May the Lord bless and keep you all in His very capable arms of Love. :)

B.,

I have prayed about your situation - my heart goes out to you, your son and your husband, who must also be crushed about this.

Take the pp's advice and find a lawyer ASAP. If money is tight, call your local Legal Aid Society. Even if money is not tight, they can give you great, FREE information on where to start with this.

You do NOT have to just hand your boy over because the dad has suddenly demanded it. Work it out in the courts.

I would tell your son something like, "your biological father sent me a letter and he and I want to talk to lawyers and a judge to decide what kind of contact he can have with you. If you have any questions or want to talk about this, I am ALWAYS available."

Don't bring the subject up repeatedly if your son doesn't, but gently bring it up once or twice a week - perhaps during bedtime.

I went through a difficult time as a child and my parents told me I could talk to them about it whenever I wanted to. They never brought it up again. They meant well, but they forgot that I was a child (I was also 6) and when I was ready to talk, I had no idea how to bring the subject up. So, I never talked about it and my parents thought everything was OK. I had to deal with it all as an adult.

Even if your son doesn't appear to be affected by this, trust me, he will be on a roller-coaster ride emotionally. Be on the look-out for this spilling out in other areas of his life - unexplained arguments, getting upset over something small, difficulties in school and so on.

I don't know you and I can only go by this short post - However, just like the pp, I would be extremely suspicious about why your ex suddenly wants to be involved in your son's life.

I sincerely hope all of this ends in the best possible way for everyone. M.

I have been through a similar situation... I have three kids that have been "mine" for 5 years and have not had contact with their biological mother for 8 years. However, a year ago she took us to court for "regular unsupervised visitation". She hadn't so much as picked up a phone more than once a year prior to that.
My best advice for you is to keep it rational. Remember that no one in their right mind (and assume a judge is in their right mind!) is going to hand a young child over to a person who has not been a part of their life for 6 years, just because they have the same DNA.
It's really easy to let our emotions control our thinking and let the fear and panic take over. You can't allow that. Have faith in the court system, no matter how many horror stories you hear... every situation is different. At the most, he may be awarded supervised visits, but I don't see any more than that from what you have described.
And I would play up the illnesses as much as possible as a reason he should not be out of your care.

Ugh! I am so sorry you are going through this. My first piece of advice is to pray about it. I don't know if you have a faith, or a church, or a pastor. If you have a pastor, go to him. But pray and ask God to give you direction, strength and wisdom in this. God is so good, He will get you through this if you reach out and take His hand.

Next, talk to a lawyer. Find out what your rights are. It doesn't sound like you have been getting child support, if you don't hear from him. If this is the case, counter sue for all back child support unless he drops the case and lets your husband adopt the child/ren. If hubby wants to and you want to. Once this is done, I don't think he has any right to try to file for any custody.

I hope and pray that this all works out for the best interrest of your child. My son's father moved away, to another state, one week before my son turned 3. He called once about 14 months later, and then nothing for nine years. My son is now 13. I don't get child support, but I would rather not get child support than have to deal with his dad, and his lies and all. We are better off. A few months ago, he shows up in my town calling me at 1:30 AM. What a flake! I won't go into all the details, but we didn't see him. He went away, and hasn't called since.

I just went through this, my daughter's dad disappeared when she was a baby (she is 4 now) and served me with court papers in January. We are just now finishing up the process of getting all the court work completed. I felt exactly the same way you do now at first but here is my advice based on what I have leanred: Talk to him first and try not to be angry. It is a lot cheaper to talk to him than to talk to a lawyer. Unless you make next to nothing you will not qualify for legal assistance. Prepare to put up a few thousand dollars for a retainer. I am sure he has disappointed you a million times before but you need to put that behind you for your son's sake. Until he shows you otherwise you need to believe that your son's father has some kind of revelation and that he is doing this for the right reasons. Don't think of this as the boilogical dad trying to replace your husband as the father figure, think of it as one more person to love your son. A court can never order joint custody, it has to be agreed upon by both parties but he will get some visitation so think about what you can live with. We met wiht a mediator (definitely do that first, it is free and the judge will probably order it anyway) and I asked that my ex make 5 day visits with my daughter in our home (he lives in Bend). If and when he appeared for all 5 scheduled visits we would talk about giving him some parenting time. My daughter left today for her 3rd visist and she is so happy. It is exciting and fun for her to go to daddy's, but she is always happy to come home to me and my boyfriend, who is a father figure to her as well. I do understand your frustration but unfortunately he does have rights and working with him instead of against him will save you a lot of money and heartache, and ultimately it will be the best for your son. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk, I just had to learn all of this
Good luck!

Hi B.,
I can relate to your fear and pain. My daughter recently went through a simular situation...though she is single! But the biological father suddenly with no warning had a lawyer send papers to my daughter saying he wanted visitation or he no longer wanted to pay child support. Needless to say we got a lawyer that day. It was a very difficult time for my daugher and us as our grandson is our world. She ended up signing papers for the father to no longer have any rights to the child, (who by the way is 2). So hon, my advise to you is get a good lawyer. If this man hasn't been around in your childrens life for 6 years. What makes him think he has the right to be there now? Right!!
I sincerly wish you and your family the best...and best wishes for your son's health also!!
God Bless You.

B.,
I can't think of any judge who would give joint custody or any custody to a parent who has never been there for his child or in his life ever. I also suspect that the bio has never paid any child support either. If that is the case, then that would definitely be in your favor. My question is why now? What does this person have to gain by having joint custody of a child he has never acknowledged in the first place. Get a lawyer. I know these are things will help your case. Also the fact that your husband has been a father to your son is also in your favor because your son is at the age when he thinks and believes your husband is his father. they have a bond and I don't think any court would dare choose a MIA bio over a "father".

My best wishes to you and your family.

B.,

I'm sorry to hear about this. It must be so frustrating for you. Courts and custody and things like this are never easy. Hopefully, you will have a good attorney, a good, fair judge, maybe a very good guardian ad litem, and other good people working with you.

I think the best thing you have going for you is what you already have. You have a loving, supportive family....it sounds like your husband is awesome. And you sound like you're doing a great job of being honest with your son (and "age-appropriate"), and not bad-mouthing his dad. (trust me, that never accomplishes anything, so keep it up, it's really, really great that you're not doing that!)

I hope that the results of all of this end up being the best for all of you. I know the process is so hard. I think that if you continue to be the loving, supportive, honest family that you seem to be, you should get through it beautifully, and even when you have bad days, please just lean on each other.

I don't think there is any way you can lose him. Unless you took him without his dad knowing and didn't allow him to see him, which does not seem to be the case. Courts usually favor the mother even when the father has been around. So if he hasn't been around they would really favor you. They will most likely give him some visitation, but probably not out of state. I'm not a lawyer or anything, but have had some friends going through divorce and such. Just be sure you have a good lawyer and even though easier said than done try not to worry too much about it until it happens.

Hello,
First of all given his your sons health condition and the lack of involvment your ex has had in your sons life, I can't imangine him getting his way in court. I'm sure the court will be on your side. As for the relationship your son has with your husband, I can tell you from experience nothing is going to change that. I love my dad (step dad) far more than my biological. He chose to be my dad because he wanted to, not because he had to. I was very sick the first few years of my life and it was my step dad who was there for me during that, not my bilogical dad. He too didn't have anything to do with me. So I understand to a point what you are going through.
I don't know if you are a christian or not but, I am. I know that God is the only one that can take care of the situation. I will be praying for you and your family. It sounds like you are a very caring mother. Keep up the good work. God Bless you! J.

Hi B.,
My heart goes out to you. The one thing I might suggest is to get a good attorney, and look in to a child advocate though the courts. As for what to tell your son, you might say something to the effect that "you are so special that your biological father wants to spend time with you too". It might be killing you inside, but you will stress him less if you can put a positive spin on things for his benefit. You might say that both of you love him enough that you are arguing because you both want to share time with him etc. I speak from experience that the kindest thing you can do is to continue not speaking ill of his father and find the best child advocate the court system has to offer.

Good luck to you and your son. Please let us know what happened.

Kind regards,
T.

I dont really have any advice, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your ex is putting you through this. He should not be allowed to come back after these kids have bonded with your husband. I guess when you do end up in court have all this ready, about how he has been gone all these years, while your son has been in and out of the hospital and now he wants to come into thier lives. I cant really see any judge granting this. Have you asked you 6 year old what he wants. Does he want to see his biological father. He may only be 6, but I do know they can pick up more stuff then we know and can understand better than we know. Good Luck, and if you ever need to vent, or someone to talk to you can email me @ ____@____.com. I really hope all goes well for you.

Hopefully, the law will be on your side, as you have been the only caregiver for the last 6 years for your son. The law is so tricky, though. They have to pay attention to every aspect of both sides of the story. I don't have any advice, except to give your son the warmth and compassion and love that you have been giving for the last 6 years and hire a good lawyer. Has your son's biological dad ever even been involved with child support payments? It doesn't seem like he should be able to just show up and take over... but like I said, hire a good lawyer. You and your family are in my prayers. Please let us know what happens with this.

Get legal counsel as fast as you can and FIGHT THIS. There are lawyers that will meet with you for free. The chance that you are going to 'lose' him is not realistic. The chance that, when a judge actually reviews the facts, he will even get 'joint' custody is remote. This man has been completely absent from your child's life.
Does he realize you can take legal action against HIM for all the back years of child support he never sent you?
Take the offensive here and don't let him push you around. Don't allow yourself to be intimidated by any of this. Educate yourself on what your rights as a mother are. If you can't afford a lawyer, do some research about free legal advice in your area. There are support systems for people with little money. You are in the right, you have been there taking care of your children day in and day out.
I could see a judge allowing visitation rights, but I would DEMAND that they be supervised by a court appointed social worker.
Keep breathing and take everything day by day. Don't get yourself all worked up over the 'what-if's of this situation. It will only sap your strength and you need to be strong for your family.
I wouldn't tell your child anything yet. Nothing has been decided and it could just make him feel insecure.
Any idea why his father is suddenly coming out of the blue and demanding this? A little investigating on your part as to what his motivation is might be good.
Does he regret not having contact with him for so long? What has he been up to for the past six years?
Stay calm. From the sound of it, you have everything going for you, and he lives in another state. What does he plan on getting accomplished from that far away?

I would not say a whole lot to your son at this time because you do not know what is going to happen but what I would do is get a lawyer. how the bio dad can not be around for 5-6 years then want joint custody is beyond me. Get a good lawyer!!!!!

First, get a lawyer and have a guardian ad liem appointed to speak on behalf of all three of your children. This person can be their non-biased voice, looking out for their best interests. Now, you talk about your son, what about the other 2 children? are they involved in this custody battle? You need to address their needs as well. It may hurt you that your son's father wants to be a part of his life, but in the long run your son could be so much 'richer' for it. It sounds as though you lost all contact with the individual for at least 5 yrs, so we don't know what was going on in his life, why he didn't maintain contact, send support, etc. All of this will come out in court. He could be required to provide financial support for your children. Your children would have another adult in their lives who could potentially show them things, teach them things, provide them additional opportunities and last, but not least, love them unconditionally. These are good things. It's not going to be easy to share. You haven't had to do that for sometime, but if it's in the children's best interests, it will happen. Try as best you can to establish a congenial relationship with this individual, one where you can talk about your children and work together in their best interests. Don't make them pawns in some game. I wish you all well.

I know in Washington State you can file for abandonment if the parent has not tried to contact the child for at least one year. That parent loses all rights, including the right to contact the child in any way before age 18. The child is actually then adoptable by your husband. My advice would be to find a good family law lawyer and find out if you can do this.

B., I've experienced the terror and hurt you are feeling, many years ago, and it turned out not as scary as my first fears.

Every big life lesson has taught me this: My attitude is the most important factor in how my experience goes. If my assumption is that the worst will happen, then my spirit will be knotted into a fist, and my experience will be one of conflict, hatred, anxiety, grief… all the things I don't want for myself or my loved ones. If I come to the experience with open hand and heart, much surprising good can come of it, and usually does.

That open heart can be hard to achieve, but it is so worth the effort. And what a model you will be offering to your children! Hang out with people you know who are most like this, and ask them for support. Prayer, meditation, good books, finding a spiritual community that functions on this basis, all can be helpful. There's also a wonderful system of communication that I have found helps me, and the process, immensely: http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/blog/the-nonviolent...

Kim D. give superb advice, based on first-hand experience. She sounds like an open-hearted person. Listen to her, and contact her if you need to for support and comfort. Her main points:

Talk to your ex first and be calm and attentive. You may be surprised to learn that his motives are actually well-intended, or at least based on love and longing for his children. And you might help dispel aggressive ideas he may have about having to fight to see his children. (That communication technique would be powerful here.)

It's incredibly important to put old hurts and angers behind you for all your kid's sake.

Think of your ex as one more person to love your children. It could be wonderful after you get past the scary parts.

A mediator is a great starting place. (This wonderful service was not available when I was divorcing, but I wish it was). You might be able to come up with a plan that will let your ex prove himself, and gradually increase the amount of access he has to his children.

Your children might benefit emotionally and even financially from having their bio dad as "real" family again. I would not assume this can't happen.

I wish you well. I hope you'll write again someday that things went much better than you thought they would.

How about sueing him for half the money you've spent paying for hospital bills? It's only right.

I would talk to the father about what his real intentions before you ever bring it up to your son.

Hey B.,

My heart goes out to you! When I was eighteen I had a child with a man who disappeared the day I told him I was pregnant. I never pursued him and he never reappeared in our lives. Three years later I met the man who would become my husband. He decided to adopt my son and we met with a lawyer. At that time, I was concerned about what would happen regarding custody when and if they finally did track down bio-dad. The lawyer assured me that since this man had never been involved in our lives, had never shown an interest in the child and I had never received child support that no judge would grant even partial custody. We never did find bio-dad and the adoption went through just fine. We now have two beautiful sons and couldn't be happier. I hope a judge would see how this would disrupt your lives. This man doesn't deserve to be a "dad" to your son. Good luck!!

Besides getting a very good lawyer who specializes in these sorts of cases (and sometimes there are organizations designed to help women in just such cases if you're low income, check with the Salvation Army for a referral)...

Also consider reading books by Lundy Bancroft who has written extensively about how domestic violence (not always physical, can be emotional, financial etc.) affects families and what you can do to protect yourself, strategies for legal issues, etc.
I feel for you, i know a woman whose life has been made very difficult by a man who came back 5 years later after having rejected the child... unfortunately for her he was also a wealthy lawyer... I hope you'll have better luck with your case.
At the same time, it is wise not to bad talk the birth father in front of the child, as this may affect his self esteem.
My son keeps a picture of his biological father in his drawer, even though we'll probably never see him. And I try to always remind him of the good qualities he inherited from his birth father.
Best of luck to you, my heart is with you!
C.

Been there-done that. Hurt alot.

I know you've probably got a good lawyer, but do you have a guardian ad liditum (excuse the spelling)? Most states have this. It is a person/lawyer that is appointed to represent the child and his best interests. I would look into that.

For the rest of it. I would be just as honest with your son as you have been, including how you feel about it. He will pick up on it anyway.

There will probably some sort of legal arrangement, but if your son spends most of the time in the hospital, there probably won't be much physical change in residence.

There is one benefit. Child support. If he hasn't been paying child support he will be liable for all that back support and all that future support. Also medical bills, clothing, etc. That is what joint support means. Not just visitation.

I know most of my advise has been cut and dried but at this time you need facts and emotional support. It is so hard. From this distance, I can't do much. So I give you facts.

Please talk to a good lawyer (or more than one) who specializes in custody cases as soon as you can. There is some good information on the internet also. I wouldn't involve your son too much at this point, it sounds like there is no need to, and it could stress him out. If you feel you need to say something to him (as he probably senses that you are stressed out), I'd keep it really simple, such as, I'm concerned because your biological father wants to see you, but I want you to know that we'll work it out (making sure he knows that he won't have to decide), and let him know that you will always protect him and do what is best for him. I don't think he needs to know how crazy the judicial/custody court system is. It seems very unlikely that your ex could get joint custody under these circumstances, but I've heard of some strange things like that happening, so be careful. I wouldn't talk with your ex directly until you talk with a lawyer, and maybe not even then. On the other hand, it would be good if you could work it out without doing the whole court thing. Maybe a mediator. Maybe just call him and, without giving out any information or accusing him of anything, simply ask him why he changed his mind. Hopefully it won't go to court. If it looks like it might, I have book called Win Your Child Custody War that I could loan to you. It's really unfortunate and sad that things like this can happen, and that lawyers cost so much money. I think it's very good and important that you haven't said anything bad to your son about his biological father. You didn't say anything bad about the father in your request, just that he didn't communicate. It could be that he has actually changed and could be a good father to his/your son, but again I'd proceed slowly - there may be other reasons behind his request. Any visitation that you begin should ideally be carried out very slowly and carefully. If there are no concerns of him being a bad influence, it could actually turn out to be a good thing - I think it can be wonderful for a child to have more than one father, he could learn different things from each, and I think one can never have "too much" love! And, if that is the case, I wouldn't worry about "losing" him - it sounds like you and your husband have very solid healthy connection with him, and that will not change. There would probably be small differences in parenting styles, which could be ok, but if there are big differences or concerns, again I'd be really careful. I wish you the best, take good care of yourself, get good support, and breathe!

I wish I could say don't worry but I know thats not possible.I've been to court about custody with my daughter because her real dad isn't around.He's just referred to as Jim or the biological in our house and she calls my wonderful fiance dad and has since she was 7 months old.Jim only see's her when it fits the drinking/work schedule and even then he'll wipe her off of it in a heartbeat...worse, he lives less then a block away!

I will say, take a deep breath and TRY to relax.U have the upper hand here completely because he's been out of your sons life the whole time.U are married now to a wonderful man it sounds like who has taken on full responsibility and probably also have plenty of friends/family who can back u up in court.He may possibly get visitaion but a child so young they don't normally make u "ship" back/forth with living so far apart.Many judges would tell your ex that in order to see his son all the time he needs to move closer.I've unfortunitly done too much research on such cases when I first started the process to gain full legal custody of my daughter because of the threats my ex and his on again/off again married girlfriend were making at the time.
I do hope things work our for u and your family for the better.keep us informed and if u need any help researching any information, let me know and I'd be glad to help.