Son Doens't Know How to Handle Getting Hurt

Hi S.,

I don't have any advice but do understand how you feel. My dauhgter does the same thing. I think she blames me for whatever happens to her. I still console her and let her know it is not okay to hit me and that I am trying to help her. She is getting much better at allowing me to console her but maybe it will take some time. Good luck!

I am raising my grandson and he seemed to do the same thing at around that age. I would try to comfert him best i could from far away. he has since growen out of it.

YES! I have experienced that. My first three sons would run to me for comfort when hurt, but #4 is the exact opposite! Ever since he was tiny he has NOT wanted comfort or attention when hurt or in pain or distressed. He doesnt want to talk about it or even be asked if he is okay. He wants everyone to ignore it; he wants to be left alone until he is feeling better. He is 8 now. It was difficult for me to get used to it at first, because he was so different in this regard from his older brothers , but I've come to realize that it is just a part of who he is. He is happy and loving at other times, but when he gets hurt, he seems to get embarrassed, too, and he does not want anyone calling attention to it at all. So I've learned to just give him his space, let him deal with it in his own way, and not take it personally. Do not try to hug and kiss your son when he gets hurt. He does not want it and that is why he is striking out at you. Give him his space, let him be and all will be well. :0)

I would suggest that you don't rush in but be present and ask him if he needs you. Ask him if he's okay and does he want a hug? He'll let you know. He may be feeling angry about getting hurt and you are the nearest target for expressing that anger. Someone once told me that toddlers are like little cave men. You can help him verbalize his hurt or anger by saying simple little phrases like "ouch! that hurt, hurt, hurt!" He probably just needs acknowledgement and expression. They don't know what to do with feelings. Let him know when he needs a hug, you are right there.

It may be h*** o* you not rushing in to scoop him up and comfort him. It would be for me or any mom. But if you can help him with learning ways to express his feelings and calm himself, it will go along way.

B

He is embarassed. When he gets hurt either pretend like you didn't see and wait for him to come to you, or just laugh. Not like you are laughing at him, but just pretend it's funny instead of serious. Both of these tools works great with all three of my kids. Good luck!

My daughter is that way also. She wants nothing to do with me when she's been hurt. I think it embarrasses her. I just ask if she is ok and leave it at that. She comes to me if she needs any further help. It's their way of dealing with it themselves and not feeling "babied." We bring attention to them getting hurt and it embarrasses them.

To me it seems to be a reaction of embarrassment. My Daughter is the same way (not so much now that she is 8). She would get so upset when she fell or got hurt but it wasnt because she was hurt it was because everyone made such a big deal about it and she was embarrased! She of course wasnt able to tell me this until she was about 3. My advice is to not make it a big deal "oh poor baby", "are you ok" "let mommy see" all that stuff. Just say "oh,oh" and offer him a hand up or you could even go as far as celeberating his fall making all the excited noises even clapping just to see what reaction you get then. That is how we started with my Girl (right around the same age as your boy)soon after we started this she would fall jump up start clapping saying yay! Then realized she was hurt and pout a bit then the washing of the "booboo" would start and a really nifty band-aid to finish it off on a good note. Hope I was of some help to you. I am sure you will get lots of advice. :0)

Peace~Love~Light
V.

What a good mom to give love when your little guy gets hurt! Two of my three kids will let me give affection when they've gotten hurt. My middle child (only daughter) absolutely can't stand it when I try to show some compassion, even just asking if she's alright. It's just not in her at that moment to receive it. It was hurtful to me for awhile. Now, I've learned to give her some space, and usually she comes to me a little later on to report on whatever happened. I ask if she'd like a hug and she's usually more receptive then. I guess some little people are just programmed that way. She does seem to have gotten better with time. Hang in there! Don't stop the love :0x ~J.

It seems to me like your son is setting his own boundaries with you and probably the best way to be supportive is to respect them. Certainly you want to be there with him when he is hurt and try to help, but remaining at a short distance and saying something like "Mommy is here, what happened?" "Can I help??" "Where do you hurt?" Perhaps just having you there will be enough until he calms down enough to accept your physical support.

Hi,

It sounds like he is trying to process his "owie" in his own way, and may feel more overstimulated w/ the hugs and kisses on top of it. I don't think he is hitting you b/c "he got hurt", per se. I think he is already processing a surprise in his environment and then he is getting extra stimulation on top of it that he can't deal with at that time. Not all kids work through the bumps and falls the same way. Some don't even want comforting. You might try just standing back and smiling and reassuring him, "You are ok". I've also seen some moms at this age give the toddler a strategy that I used w/my toddlers and it worked well, but then again this one might be overload for some kids; If they fell, and it was clear that it was just a bump and nothing serious, we would say in an upbeat voice, "shake it off" and physically model for them shaking off their hands and they would do it once and move on with their activity. In this way, they learned that the little hurts were really not a scary thing and they learned to self-regulate, which is what we all really want for our kids.

Good luck,
RG

It probably sounds strange, especially at such a young age, but he may just be getting embarrassed that he hurt himself. I have experienced this with my son since he was younger (he's 4 1/2 now), and I have tried to explain to him that we all get hurt sometimes. We fall, we trip, or someone bumps into us, and sometimes it's just an accident and that it's okay. He seems to get really embarrassed if he trips or falls in front of other people which just results in him getting angry and shouting or trying to hit. Sometimes it's better to just step back and see what happens as long as he's okay, and let him come to you for comfort. Our instinct is to run and help them and make a big deal out of it such as oh no, are you okay, which usually scares them and just makes them more upset.

I have always tried to act like it's not a big deal and say something like, uh oh, you fell, but you're okay. Sometimes that works and sometimes not, but you'll know if it's more than just a little bump or stumble.

Good luck.

Prayer changes thing's...

You should read the book "Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. Maybe physical touch isn't your son's love language and you could show him comfort in a better way.

One of our sons rarely lets us hug or kiss him even if he's in a good mood. Just because he doesn't want physical contact, doesn't mean we can't show him love in other ways. And every once in a while, he'll just run up to us and give us a big hug. We just have to wait until he's ready.

When he gets hurt, I would just ask him do you want me to hold you? if he says no you can ask if he wants ice. If he wants nothing just sit near him and I bet he'll come over to you eventually. My daughter (3 year old) does this sometimes, and this is what's worked for us.
Good luck,
E.

Hi S.,

I agree with everyone else by not making a big deal about getting hurt. Victoria's embarrassment theory rang a bell with me. My little girl is 13 months and has never really wanted to be cuddled etc after getting hurt. She has always pushed me (or anyone) away when she fell or bonked her head or whatever. She actually seems to get irritated she even fell in the first place and goes right back to the cause of the accident and what she was doing. I backed off trying to coddle her months ago and we say "Did you bonk? Brush it off!" (but we say it playfully, it sounds awfully cold reading the words!) She usually laughs and goes back to what she was doing. Oddly enough, in this last month she sometimes walks over and wants a hug. Kind of interesting the way they change!

I bet he's embarrassed and ticked that he hurt himself and just wants to "walk it off" I'd try backing off and letting him know you are there if he needs you, but not making a big deal. It worked for us! :) :) :) :)

A. N.

My oldest Daughter used to respond to getting hure with rage when she was a baby. All we could do was try to talk to her and help her deal with her anger. When she was older we would try to help her understand that the 'thing' that hurt her didn't do it on purpose.

Dear S.,

Yes, I have seen children do that . Maybe he is embarrassed and just wants a little comforting, not the hugging and kissing stuff. Try that and see.

Also, we have to keep in mind all of the time that the children's brains are still developing and they don't really understand the world and its ways as much as we think that they do.

Remember the brain is not mature until we are in our early twenties. Scary, when you think of how people put so much belief into a child's made up stories - about other people, teachers, friends, happenings at home and school, and so on. That is the reason that teens do things that seem irrational. It is a wonder that we make it, huh?

C. N.

My guess is that when he is overwhelmed, the touching or holding might be too much. I get the same way when I am upset --not hugs if I am upset! I will take them later though :) And as a Mom, I do understand that our natural response is to hold and kiss. I would try using soothing words only next time. As in "come and sit on the sofa while you get better" and sit close to him but abstening from touching him. If you try it, I'd love to know if it worked for you. Good luck. Ab

Dear S.,

I would say that the issue isn't that your son doesn't know how to react to being hurt, but that you are not treating him the way he wants/needs when he gets hurt. Depending on what has happened, my children and I all need to be left alone for a few minutes when we are hurt - I don't want someone all over me right away - and I snap at them if they don't leave me alone until I am ready. Your son sounds like he has the same tendency (though younger than my kids did). Comfort him if he comes to you for comfort - otherwise, if he has strong boundaries (which is a good thing!) - you need to learn to respect those boundaries. It's hard as a mom to back off, but sometimes that is what they need. Give him a few minutes, and then he may be ready for some cuddling.

Good luck!
B.

My son did the same thing for a while-he would sometimes even call out "get away from me". It hurt me that I couldn't soothe him but, as a lot of things, it was just a stage and by 2, he was over it.

I agree with comments here

PLUS he sounds like he's handling it fine

;-)

Let him come to you - not the other way around
don't worry if he doesn't need to

(and its NEVER OK to hit Mommy!)

If he doesn't want hugged, cuddled or even touched, then don't touch him. You can try to sooth him with words; just don't touch him. He may be like me; when I'm in pain, even a soothing touch is just too much to handle. Normally I love having my husband rub my back or hug me, but if I'm in pain it's just overload, and I want him to stop. Or, your son may just be so angry about getting hurt that it will take him some time to calm down. After the situation has been resolved - say, after a scraped knee is cleaned, medicated and bandaged, he might be a bit more receptive to being hugged. If not, don't worry, and just let him handle it his way.

What cues does he send when he gets hurt? Does he seem to want to have his space for a minute? It is hard to resist the urge to kiss away the hurt - this also may just be a temporary phase he's going through. At this age he's changing emotionally very frequently. One suggestion is to reduce your words with him. Instead of a sentence keep it to a word or two - "hands are for loving, not hitting" or better - "gentle hands" and leave it at that. The longer sentence will just go over his head. Young ones also think pictorially so I try to talk that way: our bed is our warm cozy nest, we chase the sugar bugs instead of brush teeth, I might say "your shoes brought you home and now they need to go home" and so on.

Hello, My advice to you is to recognize that your son is simply being himself. Instead of trying to hug and kiss him, just ask him, "are you ok?" Say things like, "you are such a big boy" or other positive things. Remember not to take his pushing away personally!!! You are doing a great job and I am sure that he knows that you love him very much.
Take Care,
I.

When your son gets hurt, just ask him if he's ok and if he wants a hug. Maybe just letting him come to you would help.

I am a mother of three...12yr old girl, 10yr old boy and a 5yr old boy. I never had an issue with the two older kids, but when my youngest was little, he hated to be consoled when he hurt himself. He would scream louder if I tried to pick him up or help him. It made me feel horrible (especially in public) that I couldn't kiss it and make it better for him...that's what mom's are supposed to do. I think that it was mostly embarrassment on his part, which amazed me that they could feel embarrassed at such a young age. I found that if I calmly let him know that I was there to help if he needed it and didn't overreact, he would eventually come to me to clean it up or put on a bandaid...keep in mind these weren't serious accidents, just scraped knees or elbows, small bumps on the head. As long as it's not serious, try letting him work it out and see if he doesn't come around.

I'm a mother of 2 boys 4 and 2 and when my 4 yr. old gets hurt he also pushes me away. It bothered me so much that I once cried to my husband and he told me that when he gets hurt he might feel embaressed and that's why he pushes. The next time my 4 yr. old got hurt I got down on his level as he was tring to push me away and hugged him so tight saying I love you so much and it hurts my feelings to see you hurt that's why I come to you. I kind of teared up and it hurt him to see me cry. I told him that everybody gets hurt and when you do your lucky to have people who want to love you and see if your ok. and it hurts peoples feelings when he pushes them away. Now when he gets hurt I'm the first person he wants and he allows me to help!!

S. M. Murrieta