Social Life

Hi D.
I have to tell you trust your gut!!!! I do think it is important for you to get to know his friends as well as meet their parents. However, meeting them has no bearing on their driving abilities. I want to tell you about my youngest sister Natalie, a good christian girl and extremely responsible!! Three weeks after she turned 17, the day before her senior year began she went and took senior pics with my other sister Crystal, they were in the same grade (not twins just less than a yr apart)and a few friends. After pics Natalie went her separate way, she stopped home to change clothes. She told my mom she was going to run over to her boyfriends to drop something off (2miles down the hwy) then meeting back up with Crystal and friends for lunch. She never made it to her boyfriends house. Somehow she lost control of her car went across the hwy into oncoming traffic where she was hit by a truck. She died on impact! The pain and void our family feels is unbearable, but i'm am soo thankful nobody else was in that car with her. I'm sorry for the sad story, I just want you to see it's just not about what kind of kids they are or where they're going. Teenagers are inexperienced drivers and accidents do happen. How many times have you nearly missed being in an accident because you acted just in time in the right manner? Add inexperience and other kids in the car and its not a good mix. Trust you gut!!! My oldest is 13 and when he comes asking the answer will most definitely be no! When my kids start driving it will be under strict guide lines, like no hwys and no friends to name a few. Good luck dealing with this issue. I'm definitely not looking forward to that fight. God bless you and your family!

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Letting go is hard. Trust your gut feel about these friends and maybe you can compromise. They can drive him to the movies, you pick him up. No driving with friends after 10 or something else that empowers him and makes you feel better. If he's a good kid all around, I'd tend to give him a little rope and see how he responds. If he honors curfew, calls you when he changes location and his grades are good . . . give him a chance to continue to be a great kid with a little more freedom.

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D.: First, let me say...I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I, too, have a 15-year-old son who has tons of friends, (several of which have just started driving), he's a wrestler at EMHS and very popular. The best advice I can give you is this: As much as you want to, you can't protect him from everything and you can't be with him every second of the day to make sure he is safe! HOWEVER, you can INSIST that if he wants to go somewhere with anyone, they have to come to your house first so you can meet them. Simply explain to him that you are not comfortable letting him go anywhere with people you don't know! If he is not willing to bring his friends over to meet you, then, more than likely, THERE IS A REASON! What I have found is that anyone my children do not want to bring home to meet me, it is because they are not the type of children/influential people that I would even consider letting them hang out at my house, let alone letting my child go somewhere/anywhere with them. And, my kids are smart and very aware of this little fact! The excuse that he is giving you that "kids don't want to come to someone's house"..is NOT a good one..it's just that---AN EXCUSE! I have always had a houseful of my kids' friends!

So, just draw the boundaries--if he can't bring them to meet you, then he can't go! Period! And, even, after you meet his friends, if they are not the kind of peers you want him around, then still tell him no and tell him why! This has always worked for me; and I'm on my 4th teenager! They all know, even my 23 year old that if they can't bring them home, then they don't need to be around them!

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

S. Woodall

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Since when do kids not want to hang out at friends houses? I can honestly say that my daughter will not get in a car with anyone until I know them. I feel you should go with your instincts on this one. Your car insurance company may have educational videos for kids his age about the danger of young drivers. It might help him understand where you're coming from, and also help him when he starts driving himself.

I have to agree that it's a red flag that he doesn't want you to meet them.
Good Luck!
~K.

D., I would not let my son ride with young drivers. I consider it a death sentence and in fact have been telling my two sons, age 13 and 9 that when they turn 15 or 16 they will NOT be allowed to ride with other young, inexperienced drivers. Already I am teaching them about defensive driving.

Driving is not the same as it was for me when I was a teen. Back then in the mid to late 70's, I drove all over a big city and never thought anything about it. Traffic was lighter and I was a good driver. I also didn't have friends in the car with me. The one and only time I had sort of an accident was when I had another rider and he was playing with my radio and I hit the back end of a truck that had a tailgate down. Even though I barely tapped it, I was so shook up from being careless and allowing myself to get distracted by the other rider, I never forgot it. Now kids have cell phones, and all kinds of gadgets to keep track of. Bad idea.

On the plus side, cars are much safer now. Anti-lock brakes and airbags. And if the price of gasoline stays up, there will be fewer cars on the road. (and fewer BIG cars)

I'm with you. No riding with young drivers. You can take him to the theater and pick him up. M

Tell your son you will compromise. Take him to the movies to meet them and pick him up for a while. Then tell him before he can ride with the others they have to agree to come over and hang out at your house so that you can meet them. I have a 17 year old whom I went thru alot of this with. I have found out thru past experiences that if they don't want to cooperate there usually is a reason. Normally your ok kids will cooperate after a while. I called the parents and spoke with them, even went over and met them before allowing her to stay over. I was a very uncool parent, still am. But eventually she excepted this was the way it was. I don't regret sticking to my guns, even though it was very, very hard.

D.,

First of all, my oldest is only eight years old so I don't have first hand experience with your situation but nearly all of my friends do have teenagers. This very problem came up in Sunday School last Sunday and the essence of the answers more "seasoned" parents came up with was...you're the parent. Set firm boundaries and stick with them, even if your kids hate you for a while. If his friends won't come to your house then in my mind that's a signal that something is not right or that they have something to hide. As for the girl that just got her liscense, she may be a good driver but in the presence of friends, she's likely to get recless. (I know how I acted when I was 16!) It's not our job as moms to be our children's friends...they need a mother instead.

Go with your gut!

K.

you are right stand firm most deaths of teenagers are with a CAR FULL OF THEM make them come around GET TO KNOW THEM just meeting them won't tell you how they drive if they drink or do drugs most the time if your child has an excuse for you not meeting them its because they know you won't approve of them and it sounds like this is an only child he will be upset but he can get over it think back to when you were a teenager a lot of kids are not the best for you child to run around with most parents don't have time or don't care what their teens do good luck

I agree with Fortinheaven N. Go with your gut. You are the parent. Let him know what the boundaries are. Don't try to play the popularity game by giving in to pressure (because they don't want to be where adults can supervise).

I read a book recently called "Mama Rock's Rules" by Rose Rock, and she raised a houseful of kids and foster kids, too, and she had no problems showing up unexpectedly at the mall to check on her kids. She didn't worry about being her kids' friend, and they may have disliked it at the time, but as adults they all praise her and love her for it.

I think your fear is totally understandable, especially since teens like to show off when they have peers in the car. Drop him off at the movies, so he can still hang out, but you aren't worrying about teenage driving.

Good morning - I have gone through this with 9 kids so perhaps I can offer some cogent advice. Kids always love getting together at someone's house, especially if good food is offered. My children never went anywhere (and I mean nowhere) until I met the kids they proposed to hang out with. No parties or dating until we met the friends, etc. I was the president of the mean mother's club and it worked. When a child says his friends don't want to meet for a house get together, it sometimes means they have something to hide. I would be most uncomfortable letting my child get in a car with an inexperienced driver (especially if they propose to have 2+ kids in it). There are too many possibilities for distraction, etc. You will have to practice tough love as our children are very clever and able to push our buttons haha. My children made it ok in the social world of high school, even with an old-fashioned mom. Yours will too - the right sort of kids will be attracted to the kid whose parents care enough to protect him. That represents security and love. Good luck and God bless.

I would be suspicious of a group that doesn't want to come and meet you. This is not a particularly responsible age group. You are the parent. Go with your gut. If you are okay with him going to the movies, then offer to take him and pick him up. Explain to him, in detail, what your concerns are and why you won't allow him to have his way. He needs to hear why you aren't comfortable. This is a wonderful learning experience opportunity. He needs to understand that sometimes you can do what you want, just not everything the way you want. Good lesson for the rest of his life. Be the Mom. If you buckle now you won't ever know where he is and who he is with for the rest of his teen-age years.

My son is 18 and in his first year of college. I remember those days your are speaking off...I STILL don't let him drive around the world with a bunch of friends. If you have a gut feeling and don't know these kids, then I certainly wouldn't let him go. And yes kids do still go to each others house. My husband would always say, why are they so loud, or why do they have to stay up all night---my response, at least they are here and I know they are safe. I always wanted to be the home and mom where all the kids hang out. My son had many priveledges and lots of freedom, but I still didn't let him go with ANYONE I didn't know. I always bent over backwards to take him and his friends anywhere I was comfortable with him going, but not just to be riding with a bunch of kids. Like I say, he will be 19 in May and last week he wanted to go to town to the movies and mall. Well, I "let him go" (even at his age- he always ask me), I mean seriously he is 18 what can I do...but I told him I would rather him drive alone and be responsible for himself than riding in a car full of teenagers. In your specific case, offer to buy pizza, popcorn and have a movie night at home. I hope this helps...you MUST go with your gut feeling. You can be your sons friend as well as his mother!

I agree with the rest of the moms. Although my daughter is only 5, I do remember my teenage years. If your son says that his friends don't like hanging out at houses this maybe a red flag. I know that when I was his age there were certain friends that I wanted to hang with that I knew if my parents met would be a no go...And they would have been(and were) right. If I were you I would insist that he have them over just to hang out and eat dinner or something. Your mothers instinct will kick in and you'll know if these are kids you can trust or not. What I know from my own experience is that real friends( the one's I still have to this day) will hang out whereever you are..with your parents or not. those are the friends that when you do end up getting into some trouble..because every kid does...won't leave you hanging. Explain this to him. He might get mad at first and may even go behind your back...but eventually he'll get it. It sounds like you've raised him really well. Give him the confidence he needs to find true friends that will last him a life time.

When our son was 15 (he's 18 now so I'm more comfortable - out of necessity) I would not let him ride with kids who were 16. There is still such a learning curve to driving and they get distracted so easily that it honestly scared me to death and I know other parents feel this way also. A friend of mine didn't allow her children to have more than one passenger for the 1st year of driving to insure the distraction level was kept to a minimum. You will also find at that age that we do not know hardly any of our children's friends. That was something hard for me because I had always been active in the school and knew ALL the kids. You'll just have to trust that he'll make good choices and that include the choice of his friends. It's hard for us moms to not have that control!!! He definitely won't like it - but if I didn't know the kid and how they typically acted, our son didn't get to ride with them. I would take him anywhere and drop him off and pick him up during that 15 year old time, IF I didn't know the other driver and how long he had been driving. Before you drop your son off, make certain the other friends are there too. Sometimes new drivers will realize they can quickly change plans and/or locations and the person getting dropped off will not know. Good Luck!! This is a hard time of adjusting for parents to the freedom of our sons but we all want them to become confident young men and capable of making their own choices without our constant guidance. **I color my hair LOTS more than before it seems - those gray hairs seem to come much faster as the kids get older!! It's scary!

I am now 27 and a mom myself, but I can remember my teenage years. I started a social life at 14 and my mom would drop me off and we would set up a time for like an hour after the movie was over to pick me back up from the movies. Where I live and the movie theatre we went too was in a strip mall like place called lakewood village so we would walk and go get ice cream and walk through books a million some would check out clothes and the boys checked out the games store. My mom and I set it up where she could trust me, it probably started for like 30 minutes after the movie and we worked up from there building trust.

Hope this helps!

I don't know how much advice I can give, but I can tell you what I do with my teens. We're exactly the opposite. I have a 16 yr old daughter and 15 yr old son still living at home. All of their friends like to hang out at our house-to the point that they've had to come to the understanding that sometimes they have to help provide the sodas and junk food if they want it. I guess it depends on the kids. We've always had a house full of kids since mine were old enough to socialize. They do go out occassionally though. My daughter drives most of the time and sometimes my son will go somewhere with one of his friends. BUT, we have a strict understanding-if we don't know them, they don't go. And they ALWAYS have to call when they get to where they're going, before they leave to come home, or if their plans change midstream. And they also know that at any time I may pop by to see if they're where they told me they would be. My kids and I are very close, so most of the time when they want to go somewhere they invite me along. I've gone along a few times-just kind of as a spot check, but most of the time my mind is screaming "A house with no teenagers for a few hours-YIPPEE!". When I do go along, I try to only interact with them for a little while and then let them do their own thing. For instance, if they all want to go bowling, I'll bowl the first game with them and then find a corner to myself with a book, cup of coffee and try to have some me time. It gets me out of the house, but also gives them a little time to be themselves and act like goofy teens without me looking over their shoulder. We have A LOT of cookouts at our house. The kids normally have a potluck type deal. I'll provide the meat(normally something quick because they have to do the cooking). They also have to do the clean up. They usually eat, hangout, video/computer games, sports(I have trees dotted with various paintball colors)-a small price to pay to know where my kids are and what they're doing. Yes, it's quite loud around here often, but I guess it's just something we've all become accustomed to. Hope this helps some.

R.

I would absolutely not feel comfortable with letting my child ride with an inexperienced driver. I would not only want to meet the friend, but ask for a joy ride in the young girls car in order to decide for myself if she is a good driver or not. You have that right as a mother - and there is no reason for that not to be ok. Go with your Gut ! Your child is more important than somebodies hurt feelings :)

I was fortunate in that I had just the reverse of your situation. All my daughter's friends hung out at my house, so I knew them and their parents. She was one of the first to get her driver's license, so everyone would chip in gas money and she drove.
What about telling him that you insist on meeting the friends first AND that you want to take a short ride with the person who will be driving to evaluate their driving skills? If his friends won't come to your house to let you meet them, then it's a no go.
If you feel comfortable riding with the driver and the friends seem okay, let him go. Otherwise, let him go but tell him that you will drop him off and pick him up at the theater.

Hi D.,
I don't have a teenager-Yet, but we did have our neice live with us for about a year. We had a rule from the beginning that she couldn't go on a date/out with Friends unless we had met the person/people.
From the get-go-she knew we had to at least meet the people she spent time with when she was away from home.
I would tell him that you aren't comfortable letting him spend time with friends you don't know, especially with a newly 16 yr old doing the driving. If he is willing to let you meet his friends he can go out with them. Ask him to talk to you and explain why he doesn't want you to meet his friends...tell him you just want to understand the situation. If he can't make a good argument for his case, tell him that you will be implementing the policy (after clearing it w/ Hubby of course) that no social time will be allowed UNTILL you and his Dad have Met his friends.

On the new driver being chaufer, I would insist that they hang out at someone's house (if not yours, someone elses).
I don't want to scare you b/c I DON'T know your son, but the fact that he doesn't want you to meet his friends is a red flag to me (Could be he knows you might not approve of them)....
That's my 2 cents-hope it helps.
Good Luck,
C.

I would not let him go without meeting the other kids first. My kids are all grown but they did not go anywhere without me knowing who they were with, where they were going and I had a phone number for one of them. In this day and age it is so important to know who your kids are spending their time with. Good luck.

I have a 16 yr old son & a 15 yr old daughter and I wouldn't feel comfortable leting him go with such a young driver even if I knew the teenager just because they don't have enough driving experience to have the responsibility for friends in thier car. In the state that I live in 16 yr olds are not alowed to drive thierselves or friends around without completing 50 hours behind the wheel with 10 hrs. of it during the night then they could only drive to & from school or work with only one other passenger in the car. Anyway I would have to agree with some other mom's I would take him to the movies to meet his friends there its just better safe then sorry like the old saying goes. I'd rather be over protective then have to worry about my worse nightmare coming true! My husband & I have over the year had friends that have lost thier teenagers to drunk drivers & other accidents that have took them from them and no young person should take thier life so lightly for it only takes a second in ones life for your life to be takin. I would still insist on meeting his friends I don't let any of my kids go anywhere with others unless I meet them first even if they are meeting them somewhere even if they are just hanging out there could be trouble so follow your motherly feelings if it doesn't feel right then there must be something not right!

My parents had a rule with me that I plan on using with my daughter; when you can drive on your own, you can go places with friends who can drive. Until that point someone dropped me off and picked me up from wherever we wanted to go. It didn't hinder my social life, but made me respect where they were coming from when I finally got my license and realized what a big responsibility driving is. Explain (as calmly as possible) that you are only doing this because you care about his safety. By the way, with my parents it wasn't "your 16 now, here are they keys". They got me a standard and I had to drive with my dad for several weeks to prove I could handle it before I was allowed to go out on my own. It was a great idea, even if I didn't think so at the time. :)
J.

Hi D.,

You have every right as your son's parent and guardian to know who his friends are. Go with your gut. He may not agree with you, but he will know you care, and you are the authority.

These days, it appears not too parents do care. Hang in there!

God Bless,
~V~

welcome to the agnst of teenagers -- if you're not gray yet, you'll be grey by the time they finish college.

I agree about the young drivers... why don't you drop him off at the movie? Make up some lame excuse you were doing errands -- you'll have to think of the one to pick him up. But there will come a time when he will get into a car with another driver ... Most importantly, now's the time for the drinking/drugs and driving discussion. We told Tony he could call us at any time of the day or night and we'd come and pick him up --

Your heart will be in your throat every time you hear a siren. This was the hardest apron string to cut -- and even though my son is 26, I still have a piece of that apron firmly attached!

(When my son got his license, he could not have anyone in the car with him for six months while he got used to driving!)

I see you call your son "wonderful" -- here's where you have to believe in him. They do grow up.... and driving is a large part of getting jobs, dating, etc!

D., I have smallchildren and im not where you are yet. But I do know that when I was a teenager my parents to wanted to meet everyone and I to had the same responce as your son. But a mothers instent knows best and my mom drove me to the movies and in the end it was the best thing for me. I had a friend die in a car accentent at 17 due to sun light blinding him and he did not see the mack truck. (not drinking) but still young kids are not experence drivers and it is better to be stricked and not liked by the teens now rather than let them go wild and who knows what could happen. Stick to your instints! That is my advice good luck. A.

D.-- I would suggest that you meet his friends first and insist on it. If his friends don't understand that, then he should really try to find other friends. Is there any other reason why your son might not want friends coming to the house that you can think of (location, neighborhood, family issues)? Just asking because at that age, teens also have other issues that they might be thinking about. Good luck to you. Love your name-- my sister's name is also D. and it is spelled the same way. LOL!

L.
www.stcmemoriesfriends.ning.com

Growing up, I was not allowed to ride in a car with anyone before I was 16 1/2... and only with people that my mom and dad knew. You have a right to say no and insist on meeting them. If he/they refuse... then you definalty made a right decision. If they have nothing to hide, then it shouldn't be a problem with them respecting you enough to meet you.

You may have already done this but have you checked the laws to make sure that many teens can be in the same car when its one young driver. I know the state I moved from they had limitations on how many kids could be in the car, what hours that could happen and I know one state actually made it where you couldnt have friends in the car without and adult the first yr the teen drove.
Other then that I think all the other moms gave the same great advice that I can think of. Have a great day

I don't think that you are crazy. I have a 16 yr old daughter and we will not allow her to go anywhere if we have not met her friends. I think that is part of being a responsible parent. My daughter always tells her friends that they have to come to our house to meet her parents before she can go running around, to the movies or even over to their homes. I even insist on meeting their parents if she is going to their house. You can't be too careful these days. You never know what some other parents might allow to go on at their house... I also think that you can tell a lot by meeting someone in person and not just over the phone. Are you from Oklahoma? Because here a 16 yr old can only have one other teenager in the car for the 1st yr that they have their license. I would have him invite his friends over to meet you even if it is only for 5 - 10 minutes so that you will feel better. Hope that helps!

J.

D., you DEFINATELY want to meet the friends several times before you let your 15 year old go anywhere with them, especially if they are driving. When they do come over don't hang out in the kitchen, or let them all go to another room, sit with them, talk to them, ask them questions about their families, their plans, what they like to do. Feed them, that's always a breakthru....don't make it like an inquisition but you should know exactly who your 15 year old is hanging with. in todays world, there's just too much out there and parents have become complacent in a lot of areas. our boys ALWAYS knew that we had to know their friends, at least the one's they spent most of their time with, and we knew them well. we actaully had to remove our son from his best friend of 5 years once. they weren't allowed to be together for a year until the friend quit dabbling in drugs and alchol. it was hard for both of them but they evenually renewed the friendship, we're still very close to this boy. he's turned out great, but we weren't willing to let our son wind up in a place he didnt' need to be just because he was with his best friend. neither of them were ever angry about it because we had discussed the situation with both of them before we made them quit hanging out. there was no question as to why we did it. D., parenting is hard sometimes, but you were called to be his mom, not his buddy...good luck, r.

Are you comfortable with him going to the movie? If so, allow him to meet his friends at the theater but you provide the transportation for him.