So Mad and Upset I Just Don't Know What to Do

S., I don't really have any advice to give you but just wanted to agree (so that you don't feel like you're crazy) that I would feel pretty angry if my husband was hiding a password to a computer WE owned. Sounds like he might be doing more than gaming and maybe doesn't want you to check and find out?

1 mom found this helpful

he's hiding something. everything should be an open book. if he's refusing to let you on it, there's something he doesn't want you to see...

I'm so sorry, and I hate to jump on any kind of bandwagon especially where families are concerned, but I had an experience similar to this before being married to my husband, and it turned out to be a really screwed up situation. That guy was a screw up and acting like one. That relationship ended when I saw what was on his computer.
I know being married with kids, the stakes are totally different. Perhaps he has privacy issues because his mom dug in his room as a boy, who knows? But it needs to be talked out and corrected, because though you can have privacy in a marriage, it is still very different than in a dating relationship. Marriage is a covenent where everything he has is yours, and everything you have is his. Not to disrespect, but to at least know it exists. Don't doubt yourself or feel bad for being concerned. Marriage is special and needs to be protected; you don't need secrets or whatever in the way, on either side. Good luck, and I hope the best.

I can relate I never had passwords on mine either. My husband has password on every computer lap top. He doesn't want me on his computer either. I have my own computer and he rarely will use it. He says its my computer.

He left it on a few times and I didn't see anything on it that would sound alarms. Although I was upset at 1st thinking WHY would you have a password except if you were hiding something. He doesn't talk on IM and his email account is on the main computer with mine so I get all the mails for both of us.
Basicly I had to just let it go. If you feel he is not having a Affair or anything with someone on the computer and you trust him just let him have some private space. We also have young kids and sometimes the password lockout helps save the computer bc they can't do whatever.

Hope my experience Helps and Yes I feel like passowrd is crazy too. Not like we don't have enough passwords anyways.

My opinion is a little different.....however, it does not mean that your feelings or any of the other responders' feelings on this topic is wrong. We all have different levels of communication in our marriages. My husband and I are much more open minded than a lot of couples.

I would suggest to NOT jump to any conclusions. Simply communicate with each other calmly.

We have laptops and know each other's passwords, however, we have no need or desire to use each other's computer unless our personal laptop is unavailable.

We have wide open lines of communication here and I feel that is a major key in marriage. We also believe that we each deserve some sort of privacy.

I know hubby has Yahoo IM, as well as memberships on other sites just as I do...it does not bother me. We both have private emails and we don't open each other's mail that is delivered to our home. If there is ever a question, we just ask.

I do understand that you have strong concerns and he needs to listen to your concerns. If you think he is doing something inappropriate, don't approach it accusingly....try to talk camly. Don't automatically assume that something wrong is going on. Give him a chance to communicate with you before you do something as drastic as moving out.

Best wishes.

I am sorry to hear this and completely understand why you are mad. I would be too. I suggest when you calmer and both have a moment maybe after dinner(when your daughter isn't there) talk about it. Be very calm about it and just present the facts. I have found that when I take the emotion out of it and just present the facts about how I feel to my husband, he seems to understand and be more empathetic. Do not attack him, use sarcasm, yell, etc. Do you have an anti-virus program? If so, then you can explain that you wouldn't be able to download a virus. If you don't, have one then you definitely should have one because computers are constantly being attacked.

When we were first married my husband gave me his email password so I could check his email for him (otherwise, he only makes time to check it once a week). I was a very surprised. He noticed and said that he had nothing to hide. I, on the other hand, didn't offer my password to him. Not because I had something to hide, but because I just had received alot of emails over the years and did need some privacy. However, time passed and I can't remember why he asked me for my password and I gave it to him. I think his feelings would have been very hurt if I had not.

Let us know what happens...I hope it goes well.

I can understand why you are upset, but not to the point of considering leaving him over this. When I read this, yes, alarms went off in my head that he's hiding something. But, he could just want something that's his. Maybe he feels like everything in his life is shared, so he wants something that's his. Maybe it is something more, but you'll never know until you talk to him. I suggest, like some other posters, to calm down, then talk to him. It helps me to write down exactly what I'm thinking before I talk to someone when I'm upset, so it's more clear in my mind exactly what's bothering me about the situation. Are you upset he wouldn't let you use it? Or do you think he really is hiding something? Either way, just talk to him as calmly as possible, and let him talk also.

I'd say if it was a sharing problem leaving him would be extreme. But I sense that you are feeling there is more to the story than him just not wanting to share. And my gut feeling is that if he doesn't want you on his computer, he has something to hide. Good luck!

I don't agree.... in a marriage there shouldn't be any secrets. My boyfriend of 11 years has a password on his computer - to keep his KIDS off of it. I, on the other hand, have the password to his desktop, email, voicemail...and if I don't, he would give it to me if I asked. Unless there's something to hide, there's no need to keep things from the other. My girlfriend's husband, who was having an affair, refused to give her passwords. She found out why. If he's worried about you downloading a virus, then he should have an Anti-virus program on it. I'm sorry, S.... it just doesn't sound right.... he should've given you the password over the phone and just said to make sure your children didn't get it.

Hope things work out right!

My first thought was the same as many other mamas who've responded and that is that he is hiding something from you. I guess it's possible he is just being childish and selfish and you would know best if he's like that or not. I do agree, however, that you should have access to his computer. If after you speak to him again about it and he continues to be adamant about you NOT having that access, I would seriously consider getting some professional help with your relationship because either of the two scenarios, hiding something or just being childish, can cause some serious resentment and that can make for a very unhappy marriage until those issues are resolved.

Blessings,
N.

S.,
As I was reading your posting, alarms were going off. I told my hubby your situation and asked him if he thought your husband may be hiding something and he said yes. I thought that too but can sometimes jump to wrong conclusions. I would be upset as well if that situation was happening to me. Good luck and hope that all works out ok.