So I Get This Call from My Father...

Updated on November 08, 2010
R.D. asks from Richmond, VA
27 answers

First of all, I have to give a huge THANK YOU to everyone who reads my relationship questions, because I know this is a moms site to ask about babies and children, and I ask a LOT of relationship questions, LOL. You're open and honest opinions are so valuable! Greatly appreciated, thanks ladies :)

Second, my dad called me the other day... apparently, at my brothers wedding recently, my BF had pulled my father aside and started asking questions, like how much my parents were willing to spend on OUR wedding, what our budget is, what's off limits, etc... I had no idea this conversation was even taking place! My BF never mentioned it to me, so I don't really see any need to bring it up to him. I trust there was a reason he asked my dad in private ;)

Well, my dad's all mad about this. He says that it was inappropriate for my BF to have asked him (yikes) and that is personal information that I should have addressed with him. I sort of agree, but again, I had no idea this convo even took place. My dad told me that tradtionally, a woman's parents pay for the wedding if she's lived with them up until that point.

I've done things a bit backwards, well, VERY backwards. I've been out of the house since I was 16 years old, never NOT ONCE asked my parents for money, worked my way through school, and have always taken care of our 3 children. I know that the bride's parents paying for the wedding is a tradtion, however, seeing as I've never borrowed any money from them in over a decade of living on my own, I feel like this is unfair. Pretty much, they're saying they won't pay anything.

My parents paid for my 2 brothers to go to college (JMU and UVA, OMG! $$$$!!!) I paid for my own college. I feel like this in itself and the fact that I'm raising 3 kids without ever asking for help kind of justifies that I deserve to have a nice wedding without having to pay for it myself. Moreso, if I do have to pay for my own wedding, I can assure you that my parents will NOT be invited! I'm mad that my dad's mad at this! This has been a real slap in the face. I could have relied on my parents for the past 10 years and THEN had then pay for a wedding, but I was responsible and very adult at a very young age... I just feel like I deserve better.

What do you think?

And yes, I'd probably still invite my parents, but only if they show us support and respect.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

To answers some questions: I had a convo with my mom ages ago about wedding budget, she said the same thing my dad is saying now; my parents love my BF, and vice versa, everyone is very close knit; I used to have a very rocky relationship with my parents which is now mended (due to a lot of hard work on my part, basically excepting them for the crazy, but loveable, people that they are)... I know my BF shouldn't have asked, but I know there was way more to their wedding convo than just budget. My BF would never just flat out ask that, I know my dad left a lot of the conversation out and focused on what upset him, because that's just my dad. <--- I just realized how contradictory all that sounded, LOL!!... thanks for bearing with me ladies ;) My parents are being stubborn about this for some reason, I just think it's silly to blame tradition on the fact that they don't feel like paying for something. If $ was tight, no one would understand that more than me, all they would have to do is tell me... no, BF hasn't proposed yet, that was the premise of the rest of the convo my dad wouldn't go into detail about.

More background.... left the house at 16 because I was the one responsible for raising my 2 little brothers to the point it was affecting my schooling. They needed to learn to be parents and take responsibility for their kids and not put that kind of pressure on me, who was still a child at the time. Things were instantly better in our relationship once I left and they opened their eyes. they're not bad people by ay means.... just strange.

More Answers


answers from New York on

It sounds like your brothers did well in school and pleased your parents.In return they very generously, paid for their college. You,on the other hand, moved out at sixteen, got pregnant, etc...and I'm sorry to say but however responsible you feel you have been, this is dissapointing to your parents. I'm sure that they were hoping you would have had a better start in life. I also think it was rude of your BF who hasn't even proposed yet to ask your father what he was planning to pay for your wedding, or for anything. That is between you and your parents. I'm very sorry, but I agree with your Dad.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

You probably won't like my response, but here goes....
Life isn't fair! I'm sure you've learned that by now. Your parents are not obligated to pay for your wedding. It's your wedding, not theirs! So far you've paid for everything in life...why start expecting them to pay for an unnecessary wedding now? Not that you getting married is unnecessary, but an expensive, extravagent wedding is. You are the one who decided that your parents were irresponsible and strange, so what makes you think that these irresponsible, strange people would want to pay for your wedding?
Continue to live your life and be happy seperate from your parents. That in and of itself will, over the course of your lifetime, pay you a lot more happiness then getting a few grand from your parents for a wedding.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi R.,
I'm not intending this to sound harsh, but sometimes a person a little further away sees things more simply.
•If your BF was asking for your "hand" then HE needs to tell you that. Ask BF about the conversation. This has potential to become a big rift in the family and you need ALL info to act accordingly!
•You left home at 16, now have 3 kids and live with BF for quite sometime I'm assuming. I'm sorry but if your parents choose to contribute your wedding, that's their decision.
•I do feel that to expect your parents to pay for a wedding for a mother of 3 is a bit ridiculous. You're a grown woman and mom! Why would you (or BF) expect that?
•I do feel you deserve a "nice wedding" (everyone does!) but I'm not a bigger-is-better, elaborate-is-king kind of person. You and BF should plan as "nice" a wedding as your budget allows. IF your parents offer to fund the flowers, cake or food, accept graciously. No one wants to feel hijacked into paying for anything. If they don't offer, don't take it personally.
•Yes, maybe your siblings received college tuition, etc., from your parents but you made your own choices in life so this is the path you find yourself on.
•It's a GREAT thing to be independent! Talk to your BF and plan what the two of you want to do. Even a small, simple ceremony can outshine the most lavish wedding--because you heart is in it! :-)
•Remember, respect begets respect. Them not paying is not necessarily a sign of disrespect.
Best of luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

I think your BF was really out of line for talking to your Dad about the financial part of the wedding. Your Dad has a reason to be upset. I think you should just drop it for now and YOU talk to your parents when your BF actually ponies up a ring :) And don't be surprised if they still don't pay for everything. My husband & I paid 100% of our wedding. I am a lot like you, moved out when I was young, took care of myself financially, we had two kids before we got married, etc. I did not ask my parents for a dime and they didn't offer (they paid for my older three sisters wedding). They knew I am very independent and did everything for myself and just b/c it was my wedding, wasn't going to change that part of me. I had control of my whole wedding and didn't have someone holding something over me, Well, I'm paying for the wedding so I think you should do this, things you hear that happen to other brides.

Good luck and please don't let money come between you and your family.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita on

I think a full grown adult who has lived apart from her parents for 16 years should pay for her own wedding. Hell, I paid for my own wedding straight out of college. I understand that you feel slighted because they paid for your brothers to go to college, but I cant believe, especially if your mother previously told you that they weren't paying for it, that you believed they would.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Please don't let what should be a joyful event bringing together two families turn into a chance to punish your parents for not paying for your college education!

Seriously... people get so crazy about weddings... as if we're all entitled to break the bank because its OUR DAY. Don't be one of those bridezillas.

If you do end up paying for it yourself, please invite your parents. I was estranged from my father when I got married, so he did not attend. There is still a sadness in my heart about that.

Weddings are one of those things that people (family, friends, your children) will always remember. Let them remember you being gracious, even if that kindness wasn't deserved. Take the high road, you won't regret it.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Honey, your parents don't owe you a wedding. You have to realize that you came to this place from the choices YOU made. I'm sure if you would have played ball with your parents instead of rebelling, things would be different. Is that fair? No, but that is life.

You are an adult - if you need their help in creating the wedding you want, then you need to ask for it. They have the right to say no. But to expect for them to foot the bill after you've been out on your own for so long is, for lack of a better word, bratty. And on top of it to retailiate by not inviting your parents to your wedding is very childish.

For what it's worth, your BF was out of line. It's not his place to talk to your parents about money! If I were your dad, I'd be angry too. You and your BF owe your parents an apology.

ETA: My husband and I paid for our own wedding. My mom did buy my dress and some extras that she wanted at our reception.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I agree with your dad, your bf shouldn't have asked him "how much are you willing to pay for us" he picked the WRONG time. your parents don't have to buy you a wedding as i'm sure you know. however, i don't think it's right for a parent to do one thing for one child and not the other (assuming it's a perfect world). maybe they feel you've let them down? maybe they don't necessarily care for your bf (i sure as hell wouldn't pay for a child's wedding if i wasn't estatic at who they are marrying)

maybe invite them over for coffee or something just YOU and them, leave bf out of the entire meeting and make sure you guys are on the same page before it's over

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Quite frankyly - while your parents don't owe you a wedding, it is a gift, I think your father was out of line with his anger.

My guess is that you BF is trying to plan his moves for popping the question and wants to find out what the financial situation will be, roses and romance (dream wedding) vs. Elvis (simple Justice of the Peace).

I also understand the feeling that it is unfair, it is if you are keeping track of $$. But perhaps your folks don't understand the resentment? THey see you as indepnedant and able to stand on your own two feel. Perhaps they did not feel that way about your brothers and felt they needed the help. Also at this point intheri life, they could be thinking (and worrying) about how they are going to afford retirement and may not have any money they can part with.

Try having a open non-confrontational conversation with your folks and try to understand what they are saying, while gently explaining to them your hurt feelings from what you percieve as thier lack of support.

I will say a prayer for you and your family.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

It was majorly presumptious of your BF to talk to your father about this. It was SO not his place to do this. I would bet that if it had been addressed to your dad properly-by YOU-things would have turned out much different. Your father has a problem with your BF ASSUMING that he will pay for the wedding. I would like to hear the backstory here as they like your BF, how does he treat them?, why is it that you moved out at 16? What has YOUR relationship been like with your parents? Why didn't they pay for YOUR college.
Paying for an education and for a wedding are 2 different things in my book. You are acting like parents should have a "budget" for each child that can be spent how that child wants. I believe that parents are obligated to help their children achieve a college education. They are NOT obligated to have a big party for their wedding.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I kind of think bf was feeling your dad out. I don't think it was an appropriate question to ask your dad, asking how much your willing to pay puts folks on the defensive side immediately. So don't be mad at your dad for acting put out. I would have acted the same way.

He has not proposed as of yet. If and when he does ask. Do not let your wedding be about how much your parents will pay. Do not let the planning of your wedding be about what they did or did not pitch in for. The wedding planning should be a fun experience for you, not stressful. Plan the wedding as if your paying for the whole thing. Do not expect your parents to pay. Even if you deserve it as you say. You know them better than anyone so you know if they will suddenly help out or not. And please invite them. Money is not worth loosing your parents over. I lost my dad when he was 63 years old, I let a lot slide because of they way we grew up. I am so glad I did because now I do not have him anymore. We had a good relationship and I miss that. So think hard on how you will handle this. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

Congrats on being self-sufficient and independent at such an early age:) I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, I don't mean to. Here's what I think (I am a mother who has an estranged daughter from my first marriage who hasn't lived with me for a long time , and I have two sons with my current hubby who live with me): There are obviously issues between you and your parents because you moved out at an early age and started your life without the help of your parents. Your parents probably do not know how to approach the situation, so it is awkward for them given the relationship they have with you--that's why your dad is upset. There seem to be many unresolved issues that are in the way of your parents helping you. I would be upset too if your BF came up to me and didn't even ask for your hand in marriage, but instead asked about how much I would be contributing to a wedding IF he were to propose to you. You need to rebuild your relationship with your folks before expecting them to reciprocate. You have been a self-supporting mature adult now for many years and obviously you have done very well without the help of your folks, maybe it's time to cut them some slack, take the high road, and rebuild your relationship with them. Your parents are not going to be here forever. Parents are not perfect and yes, we do make mistakes when raising our children and children also aren't perfect either and they make mistakes too concerning their parents. I don't know you or your parents, I just know the experiences I've had with my own daughter. When my daughter disrespects me and then asks me for something, I tend to not want to contribute because I wasn't treated right. My daughter and I are rebuilding our relationship. We have accepted our faults and good qualities. We are what we are. You need to have some introspective to look at the situation outside of the box and make it better for everyone.

Just my 2 cents,


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answers from Dallas on


Even though you added some information and answered some questions, I still have more. While I understand why you moved out of your parents' house at age 16 (I agree, they put way too much pressure on you to raise THEIR kids), who did you go live with? At 16, you didn't have any money, so you must have lived with an Aunt, Uncle, or grandparents, right? Also, did I understand you correctly that you are about 26 years old and have 3 kids of your own? You said you are raising 3 kids and have never asked your parents for financial help. How is that possible that you can afford to take care of your 3 kids all by yourself? Are you a surgeon, a CEO, or a very successful lawyer at age 26? How are you getting all of this money to care for 3 kids? Who do you live with now? Or do you have your own house? How did you get all of this money on your own w/o any help from your parents???

Even though I don't understand a lot, I will comment about your boyfriend's questioning to your father. I think it was very SWEET! It means he obviously loves you very much and wants to marry you someday and in his head, is financially planning your wedding! Even though it's tradition for the brides' parents to pay for the wedding, that is not how it always works these modern days. Sometimes the brides AND grooms parents split the wedding down the middle, and so maybe that is what your boyfriend's parents plan to do. Maybe your boyfriend's parents asked him to ask your father those questions so they could get an idea of how much money it will cost them to pay for half of your future wedding. Your boyfriend will be your family someday, and he obviously feels very comfortable with your father and is already treating him like he is his father in law. Aw, how sweet!!! Your boyfriend's questions boil down to one thing - LOVE. I do not think it was inappropriate, however, I DO think he chose a very bad moment to ask these questions! He shouldn't have had a serious financial conversation with your father at your brother's wedding! So that part could have been more thought out - it was just a bad place to have that type of conversation - but that fact that your boyfriend wanted to discuss it was nothing but sweet and loving. Obviously, he and his parents are crunching numbers for your future wedding and seeing what they can afford. I also LOVE how direct your boyfriend was with your father. He sure doesn't beat around the bush! If he has something on his mind, he will discuss it! What a wonderful quality to have, and especially for a MAN to have. There are so many men who just keep things bottled inside b/c they don't like to talk about stuff. Imagine that you and your boyfriend had an argument. Would you want him to storm off and refuse to discuss it, or would you want him to sit down and talk it out with you? Of course you would want him to sit down and talk it out with you! And I bet you anything that is exactly what he would do! Your boyfriend's direct questioning says a lot about him, and I feel it is all positive! Tell you father to stop viewing his questions as negative, and tell your father all of these positive things I said. Your boyfriend is a keeper. With all of this said, I am still wondering how you have so much money at such a young age and can afford to care for 3 kids all by yourself.

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answers from Los Angeles on

My father and my wife's father refused to come to the wedding or reception. My mother and her mother did. My mom didn't pay for anything. My wife's mom was extremely poor and bought the cake and a few other things. [If we had known how poor we were we probably wouldn't have gotten married. ;-) ]

If you give your BF the benefit of the doubt, he probably did ask for your hand, but your father "forgot " to mention that. AND your BF shouldn't have asked him about paying for any of the wedding, especially at a wedding. That was your place AFTER you had been asked and had an engagement ring on your finger to show your dad.

Your dad shouldn't have called you. My FIL hated me. My MIL didn't like me much better. Your father may not have a very high opinion of your BF and I'm sure that the stress of the wedding had a bearing on your father's reaction. From what you wrote, your mom and dad are very sensitive about how their money is spent by someone else. Some families are open about finances and some are very secretive. My mom and dad were brought up extremely poor and were very sensitive about money and money issues.

My two daughters came to me when my oldest was 16 and asked what I would do for their weddings. I told them I'd give them $2500 towards their weddings and they could do what ever they wanted with the money. I had one daughter that spent almost all of it on fluff. The other daughter put some of it in her pocket to help her and her husband start their life. I ended up giving both of them more, but part of what I wanted to accomplish was for them to think about budgeting and what things cost.

Regardless of what else happens, invite you mom AND dad to the wedding. If things get better in your and your BF's relationship with them, you'll regret not inviting them. Not inviting him reeks of "getting even". With all you have accomplished, you should be above that.

Good luck to you and yours.

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answers from Modesto on

Since you chose the route you chose I think your parents shouldnt HAVE to pay for anything. I would assume that when you do finally decide to tie the knot they will probably offer you something but are no way obligated to fund a wedding at this juncture.
I agree that it was inappropriate for your b/f to ask your dad personal financial questions. For him to do that tells me he is pretty immature yet and lacks respect. Men, especially, are very picky about letting other men know their financial information.
I was living with my fiance for a couple of years, then got pregnant, then got married. There was no way we would have asked our parents to fund anything.... we paid for our own, small wedding. Parents came, gave us a small financial gift as a present and we were thankful for their attendance and the gift.
You cant expect to do traditional things when you havent been traditional from the get go.
Don't let this fester and become an issue or it will ruin your relationship with your childrens grandparents.... you gotta be real about this.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Your parents have a right to spend their money any way they want. I understand where you would feel hurt, or even angry, that they don't want to pitch in, but I do think it was inappropriate to assume they would.

Lick your wounds. Pay your own way, and continue to love your parents just the way they are ~ even if they did hurt you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Davenport on

I agree that it wasn't your BF place to talk to your dad. However, it sounds like he had good reasons. I'm guessing he did it to see where the two of you will stand financially if they were/weren't going to help or that he was wanting to save you the stress of talking to your father about it. I agree that it isn't fair that they financially support your brothers, but you can't change them. Even though it was not your BF place to speak with your dad, I would still support him on this one. Planning a wedding is stressful enough. Assume your parents are not going to support you and leave it at that. I wouldn't fight with them anymore about it. I don't know all your history, but I would consider still inviting them. If you don't want them to be involved in the wedding, I can understand that....but at least invite them.

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answers from San Francisco on

Be grateful that both your parents are still with you. I would have given anything to have my father at my wedding. Seriously, all this craziness about wedding expenses masks the real importance of family events like this.

My mother paid for a small portion of my wedding. My husband and I were both just barely finished with grad school at the time, but we still paid for most of it. The reality is that our parents just did not have the money. Your BF should not have asked about $ was out not his place. Doing it at your brother's wedding just made it worse. Often there is tension among siblings....a sense that all gifts must distributed equally. The reality is that that is usually impossible. We have a sibling that has received extensive financial help from a parent for years....we could get pissed off about it, but how would that help? The fact of the matter is that our parents don't "owe" us stuff once we are adults. My concern (and I will bet this is your dad's too) would be that your BF is going to have a mentality that will lead to always questioning how much this relative got and then wondering where his share his. Believe me, this is not a healthy way to behave in a family. Also, please do not threaten to not have your parents at the wedding. No marriage needs to start with that kind of stress and negativity. As I said, you never know what is going to happen and your wedding should be a happy, loving moment that you can remember with joy.

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answers from Houston on

Wow, tough one. Well I had been out of the house for 12 years when I got married and my mom paid for my dress and the reception, his parents paid for flowers and the rehearsal dinner, we paid our own rings and he paid for the honeymoon. That is the traditional breakdown and we pretty much stuck to it. I paid for a lot incidentals like the church fee, my hair and make-up, favors at the reception, you know odds and ends. So maybe if your parents see that EVERYTHING would not be on their shoulders that would help. However the fact that your father is offended by all this doesn't bode well. It would have been better for you BF to ask for your hand, get engaged and talk money when it was all formal, but hey I know guys think in practical mode a lot! Since you don't even "know" about this convo, I would let it all go. If your dad brings it up again you can say "Hey I am out of the loop, he talked to you not me dad!!" I mean let me tell you, you can't control a man, so why start trying now, this all about him and your dad. Whenever he pops the question, yeah!, just get engaged and then start planning and act surprised when he tells you about the convo with your dad. Your dad should have kept it to himself in my opinion, but as stated before, you can't control a dude and especially a dad! So anyway, just be cool and even a little excited that your engagement is probably right around the corner:D I would say that I think you should invite your parents whether or not they pay otherwise it looks like all you care about is their checkbook and that is not a message I think you want to send. Pay up or stay out, nah, not too cool. They are your parents after all, your love for them should be without conditions. I think if you feel that strongly about it then elope, and leave every one out:) We were just sure my husband's bio father would throw a lot of cash at the wedding bc he has more money than anyone who actually did pay for things, he did not get a cent. You know what, we still gave him a place of honor at the wedding and even rented his tux, he is my husband's father no matter if he didn't do what was right or expected. Also you can do a wedding on a shoe string if you have to and make it beautiful. Mine was on $10,000 and this included rings and honeymoon. I did a friend's wedding and the budget was about $2000 and you know what they had a really nice little wedding and are happily married 4 years later, so you can do it girl, regardless of who picks up the check. Well take care and hope he asks soon, I am hopeless romantic!!

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answers from Washington DC on

Okay, well I got pregnant at 19 and moved out at 20. I have not lived at home since then, so really only 7 years, but still. My parents have definitely helped my husband and I out at times, even bringing groceries to us at one time when it was that bad. They help whenever needed. Even if they didn't, I could not ask them to pay for our wedding (we did a court house marriage when we found out #2 was on the way - just because there was no point in waiting then). We do plan to have a for real ceremony and reception at some point in the future, but I wouldn't ask them to pay for it. But knowing my parents, they would help in whatever way they could. My older sister, however, is on her 3rd boyfriend that no one in the family approves of, has lived out of the house for YEARS, has had more help from my parents than most people I know, but I am pretty sure she would still expect my parents to pay for her wedding now. I think that's wrong. I think in today's age, everything is different. NOT saying that parents shouldn't pay for it, I defnitely think your parents should help, but I don't think they should foot the whole bill. Maybe they can take care of the catering? Something like that. I know this is tough because when we do things backwards it messes up a lot of traditions. I hope they do help you with some of it for sure!!!!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Okay so they want to go the "traditional" route. I always thought regardless the expected bride's parents paid for the wedding and the groom's family is supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Since when did "tradition" become xx many years out of the home and the bride foots her own bill????....I think that is their own set of rules. Which is fine but I think that should have been discussed with you before now????? "Traditions" have changed for many many reasons but I was always under the impression that the daughter's parents still paid. Is it because you already have children with him? What's the difference between that and a girl who moves out goes to college and lives on her own and then get's married for the first time in her thirties? I guess they pay for it-maybe I'm out of the loop.
Honestly would you want your parents dictacting what you can and can't have on your special day? If they are footing the bill that is what it will become more than will have to "settle" and perhaps on things you don't really want to. Personally if it were me I would either 1. foot my own bill or 2. have a sit down discussion with my parents and tell them how I feel and as their daughter they should want to show some sort of support and that you are not asking them to foot the entire bill but to help out??? I think a family discussion in the very least is in order for ALL involved. You may not know about something going on financially with your parents and perhaps this is bad timing for them but regardless maybe you could all come up with a "plan" or budget at the very least.
Now in regards to conversation your BF had with your father yes I do find it may have been a little inappropriate of him-that is something that you do as a couple. He may have had alterior motives.... such as a suprise for you but if that is the case then he needed to come up with the funds himself and not count on your family-unless he asked for their participation and it be a gift from all but instead of asking how much money you got? Maybe say it I was planning on such and such the cost is such and such. I am prepared to pay it in full but wanted to ask if you guys wanted to participate and if so how much would you like to contribute to it if at all? I think there is a lot of misunderstanding and perhaps some compromise to come to. Maybe its a bad time for your parents to foot the bill right now so maybe you could compromise as to "when" the big day is. Perhaps they don't feel they should foot the entire bill maybe compromise and say I will pay for this could you guys go in for half of this so to say. I think you all as a family and a "couple" need to sit down and have a family meeting so everyone is on the same page. I see both sides here really but I think the biggest issue at hand is commuinication.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Glens Falls on

I think it's terrible that your parents are reacting like this! I have never heard any tradition about parents only paying if the daughter was living with them at the time of engagement - that's ridiculous. Most young women don't go directly from their parents' home to their marriage - and thank goodness they take some time to become responsible first! This sounds very old fashioned or maybe someone looking for an excuse. I will grant you that with couples getting married later these days, a lot of parents simply make a contribution and the self- supporting couple pays part or most of the costs, depending on everyone's financial situation and what kind of wedding the couple wants but to think there is no parental contribution simply because you've demonstrated self support over a decade, makes no sense. I don't blame your BF one bit, men really don't have a clue how these things work and if it came up in conversation, as a parent I would just think 'woo-hoo, sounds like someone might be headed down the aisle soon!' In fact, I wouldn't have told you about the conversation in case BF was planning a surprise.
You sound very mature and I hope you have a lovely wedding even if it's a simple church ceremony and a party in your own backyard. Of course it is the right thing to do to invite your parents assuming your father drops this very inappropriate anger over your BF's innocent conversation. I hope dad comes to his senses. Good luck!

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answers from Raleigh on

My father didn't even show up to my wedding. He drummed up some lame drama about the time we were planning our wedding, mainly so he wouldn't have to pay anything. Then he got mad (I assume) when his name wasn't on the invitation and refused to come, even though he didn't lift a finger to help or give me one dime towards the wedding expenses. There was just an empty chair where my father should have been sitting. Needless to say, we have been estranged ever since ( there was a lot of other issues there, as well). That was 10 years ago, and he is still angry at me for some reason- I am still not 100% sure. I just let it go. I did the best I could with what I could afford for the wedding and it turned out very nice.
Of course you deserve better. I say talk to him about it when the time comes. Your BF hasn't proposed yet, right? If he refuses to help, then you'll have to take the high road and do the best you can. It's painful and hurtful, but what can you do? Just make sure your father knows how upset you are. Tell him exactly what you have told us here. That's a first step.
I hope this helps...

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answers from Tampa on

I agree you have a lot of reasons to be upset. My younger sister is the golden child to my parents... eventho she's been in juvenile detention twice and was caught drinking and smoking under their roof as a teenager too many times to mention. I can see why having your brother's college paid for by your Dad and him bitching about not wanting to pay for your wedding is hard. I would talk to your Mom about it, tell her why you feel they should pay for your wedding. If she agrees with your Father, I'd just start saving now and be prepared to not invite your own parents to the wedding.

Having unsupportive and rude people at a wedding is a very bad idea.

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answers from Detroit on

R.---I think you need to step back and cool down for awhile. Yes, it does sound extremely unfair as your parents have taken care of everything for your brothers. But, you don't share why it was you left home at 16. I'd only have to surmise that there was some sort of conflict at home. But, I don't want to assume too much.

You need to sit down and have a long heart to heart talk with first, your BF and see why it was he went and talked to your father before discussing things with you. Maybe he wanted to surprise you. How much of your history with your dad is he aware of? Then, when you know your BF's intentions, you need to talk with your parents. Maybe they just think that since you've always been totally independent, that this is the way you always want to be treated. From what you've shared here, there are just too many unknowns.

I do not know proper wedding etiquette when the woman/daughter has been living on her own and has children already. Not that it really matters if the parents and the daughter have discussed what they want to do and come to a mutually agreed upon plan of action. Again, not knowing what your relationship is right now with your dad/parents, I still have to think that to not invite him/them to your wedding, even if you have to pay for it yourself, would be a very sad thing. You and your BF have to sit down and determine what you are willing to do, for the sake of everyone involved.

I always tell my kids that we owe them very little, shelter, food, a loving environment. And there is much that they need to earn in the way of priviledges from others. PLEASE understand that I am not trying to be judgemental. However, this is where my thoughts went after reading your post. I am likely to be way off base. I wish you much luck in coming to a better understanding with your father. It is not healthy to hold a grudge, if it might come to that. Be well, D.

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answers from Atlanta on

It sounds like your parents still need to "grow up" and be parents! I think maybe your BF was using that convo to open up the road to asking for your hand or to let your dad know you two are planning to get married. Still, I get that your dad feels it wasn't any of his business, but this isn't something for your dad to be angry about or cause issues over!

Given what you've told us of your background -yes -your parents should give you either a very nice wedding or a check! I think it's terribly unfair when parents pay large sums of money for one or some of their kids and not for others -unless those others have done something to deserve not getting any money. Since you've never used their money or asked for their help, they really need to "spread the wealth" and do something for you financially. Perhaps they would be more comfortable giving you a sum and letting you distribute it as you wish, but It's only fair!

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answers from Johnstown on

First of all, lemme ask this--where do you fall in order of the children? Are you the oldest? I am and I got ALOT of unfair treatment--and still do--compared to my sister & brother. They're ALWAYS borrowing money, or are broke, or have relationship issues that they're trying to get the rest of the family involved in. I have NEVER asked to borrow money from anyone, paid for my own college--THAT I FINISHED unlike my brother, we're paying our own mortgage, own vehicle payments, raising our own children, etc. Look at it this way--if you do have to pay for your own wedding, it's an accomplishment you did on your own, without help, unlike your bothers. Your parents are probably angry and hurt that you didn't live w/ them and follow the tradition "ways". Personally, although it hurts something awful right now, I would invite them and throw it right back to them at what you accomplished on your own yet again. You do deserve better, but sometimes others think differently :( Praying that your dad will come around and atleast kick in 1/2 for you.

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