So Frustrated with Husband... - Tampa,FL

You know that some people love school and some people survive it. For those that survivie it, the idea of writing one more paper, is simply the last thing on earth they would ever want to do.
I don't think it's fair to cry, scream, beg him to do something that he told you he just doesn't want to do.
If he works for the state, he has a more secure job than most, with better benefits than most. True, nothing is 100% secure, but again, I don't think he is lazy or lacks ambition. He has a college degree and a good job.
He's not miserable in his job. He is miserable that his job, which for men is his identitiy, is being diminshed by his wife. What if your best effort just wasn't good enough? What if your husband were crying, screaming, throwing fits, asking you to change? And telling you you aren't good enough, aren't making enough money, aren't trying hard enough? I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying, support your man. Be appreciative of the pension he is earning and the income he is bringing in. Stop worrying about who makes more and start figuring out how to work with what you've got coming in. A husband is more than his paycheck and educational background. There is absolutely nothing wrong with retiring from the state.

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I have a degree that would bring in nearly twice what my husband brings in and it frustrates my husband that I won't use it. I choose to home school our four kids. He likes the education that the kids are receiving, but it frustrates him that we aren't keeping up with the Jones. I don't have a desire to keep up with others. I value the time I spend with my kids more than the material things. I finally looked at him and said I would never be happy working away from my kids. I know he would never pick up half the household chores if I should take a position outside the home. I'de be working myself into crazy and I don't see the point. If he desires more money he is free to go work for it but he can't rely on me to go find it for him. I do bring in some money each month and we combine all accounts and all bills. I do all the accounting. He is free to take on that job any time he wants it. I find that if you're all about money then there will never be enough. I look at what I have and feel it's a blessing. I don't bother looking at what I can't have. I don't know the answer to your problem. To me it looks like you aren't working as a team and no matter how much money he can bring in it won't solve that.

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Honestly, in reading your post the big red flag here isn't your husband's lack of ambition. It's the fact that you are keeping score. I can understand that keeping your finances separate cuts back on arguments, but as long as you're keeping a tally of what you pay for vs. what he pays for you guys will probably never be happily married. Marriage and parenting are team sports. You each do what you can. He is gainfully employed and paying the bills along side of you. He makes less than you. So yes, he will pay less $$. If you bring in 60% of the family's income; logic follows that you will pay 60% of the family expenses. As long as he is providing the best way he knows how and is a good father; you don't have the right to demand more because it's what you want.

Before you continue to push this issue with him; look inside yourself first. Why is it so important to you that he be financially equal to you? If your reasons start with the word "I" or "Me" instead of "We" or "Us"; the problem isn't him- it's you. Would you really rather have an unhappy and financially successful husband over one who is happy? With that said; it sounds like your husband is very unhappy in his job. If that's the case, encourage him to explore what would make him happier. I have always believed you should find something that you love to do and then find a way to make money at it.

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I feel for you, but I just witnessed a sad divorce stemming from a situation very similar to yours. Wife had advanced degree, making most of the money. She came to resent that she was the breadwinner. Husband was happy with his job that didn't require a degree at all. (He has a degree - he just loved this other profession and it made him happy.) She pushed him into law school. He went. He graduated. He practiced. He made $$$. She loved it as the pressure was off of her to be the primary financial provider. He hated it. He withdrew from her, from friends, etc... He became depressed, anti-social, sad. She didn't understand that money and a "better job" doesn't make everyone happy. They couldn't come to terms with their individual wants/needs, and unfortunately ended up divorced. He is back doing what he was doing previously, and the $$$ she spent sending him to law school went down the drains. Not everyone is cut out to be a breadwinner of a family. Be careful what you wish for. If he wants more money, he needs to come up with a way to make more that makes him happy. Good luck and I hope all works out for the best for both of you!

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He is who he is.
I'm starting to wonder if the American male Breadwinner is a myth.
I know LOTS of women in your shoes. They make more than their husbands. They carry the health insurance, etc.

I don't know what the solution is but one thing I know for sure is that both partners agreeing on a budget and sticking to it is one way to take the "scary" out of the financial equation.

You might benefit from counseling but you can't really force him to do anything.

Look for the other amazing qualities in your husband--they might equal more than his current income. Good luck!

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You are right. You can't force him to be ambitious and you can't force him to change.

Two questions:
1. You say that YOU are responsible financially for the family, so what does his income support?
2. Why are you trying so hard to change him?

This isn't about his job at all and it isn't about the fact that he makes less than you. It sounds like you are frustrated with his inability to see the long-term impact of his lack of action. You are paying your bills, but not getting ahead. In the short-term, no biggie. In the long-run, it is a biggie. He's employed, so in his eyes, no biggie. He's also stagnant and not bothered by it... again, in the long-run this is a big deal.

Stop yelling and screaming. Stop presenting him with figures and fact. Stop presenting him with trend data. You've tried those methods and they haven't worked- in fact those methods have probably made the whole situation worse.

Talk to him. Encourage him to be honest with you without putting your own feelings into the mix. Ask him if he is happy at work, at home, in life. Ask him what is holding him back from tyring something new or going back to school. Try not to accuse or belittle, but be his partner and confidante again and see if you can get to the bottom of this.

Ask yourself this question too, what did you sign up for when you got married? What has changed? My guess is that he hasn't changed and that he's the same person you married. What has likely changed is your lens on life. His lack of ambition was likely less prevalent and less important before you had a mortgage and kids. Life has a way of forcing changes- those who adapt find happiness... those who don't find themselves frustrated and left behind.

Good luck with this whole situation. Don't hesitate for a moment to get a counselor involved. Maybe hearing all of this from a non-biased "voice" will help!

5 moms found this helpful

Nothing about this post makes sense. You say he works but you pay for everything. Does he cash his check and light the money afire? What I think is he pays the household bills, mortgage et al, and you pay for the bells and whistles. That is not you supporting the family, you both are. I would say curb that attitude if you really want him to do something cause you come off money is tight and no man will make a change under those conditions.

Just so you know I am sitting on a damn good degree and I can't find a job in my field right now. Well I could but it would mean quitting this one to do it and I am just not willing to take that risk when I can make ends meet on what I make at the moment. That is something you need to consider cause your words scream an attitude of he gets educated we will be on easy street, that ain't gona happen. By the way, masters in accounting bachelors in IT and accounting, all from St Louis University. It kills me to pay those student loans when I am not using the degree but in a couple of years I will be in the perfect situation.

So chill on your husband, the job market sucks!

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One of my favorite quotes I believe by Maya Angelou is: if you can't chane
a situation then change your attitude about it. Easier said then done I am sure but what I found that works with most husbands is to let it go. Don't say anything else about it. Ignore all his cOmplaints, don't give him any options ideas etc etc. He has to want to change. Right now ur wanting it more than him which is why his fighting you. I know it's hard but let it go. Embrace the good qualities he has and see a therapist to help you change your attitude about it. Good luck

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I can understand your frustration and I would feel the same way....but to push him to do something he doesn't want to do is not the answer. Are you on a budget? What does he contribrute to and how much. It seems like you need to circle back on who needs to do what and when. Perhaps there is a little depression there and perhaps some guidance and short term counseling might be the just the nudge he needs. Also when he complains about his job..stop taking it personally and ask..so you're miserable what are you going to do about it?

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I see several issues here. This isn't just about your husband's lack of ambition. Part of this is how you resent the fact that you make more money than your husband. It sounds like you want him to "man up" and be the bigger breadwinner. Is it embarrassing to your husband that you earn more? Sounds like it embarrasses you. Does he seem to have a more relaxed attitude about everything and you resent that?

So, you've reversed roles. Big whup. I think you need to seriously get over this. You need to "woman up" and get comfortable in this bread-winner role. Now you know how most husbands feel. If you can't deal with the stress, I think you might need some counseling or anti-anxiety meds to get you over this hump.

The issue with him not being happy with his job is something that he has to deal with in his own way. You can listen up to a point but then tell him he's not allowed to complain if he's going to do nothing to change it.

Why does he have to have a job that corresponds to his degree? I know many people that work in fields that have nothing to do with their Major. I worked for a Partner at a Consulting Firm that was an Engineer from the Colorado School of Mines. As a Partner, he helped companies restructure after bankruptcy or he would work to get money for secured creditors. Seriously, he was digging in the ground at one point in his career, looking for oil and then he's working his way up in Financial Advisory Services. He had no additional schooling. Many companies just want you to have a degree - doesn't matter which subject.

Your husband needs to think outside of the box, but nagging him about it won't work. Tell him to put up or shut up - then leave him alone.

4 moms found this helpful

I think you need to lighten up on him about school etc. He has said he doesn't want to go back and it seems that is not going to change anytime soon and if you pressure about it, likely he will just be so defensive in his mind that he won't have to room to feel like he can make the decision either way. No-one responds well when they fell backed into a corner, especially a guy. As far as all the bills etc being on you, that seems it could be helped by a different approach to finances I think. It sounds like you guys each have your own money. I think you could do one of two things a) put all the money that comes in into one account and build a budget based on all the money. This is what we do, all the money is our money and we budget who gets what etc. I mean I don't work now, but when I did, this is what we did and now although he is the only one working, it is still our money. or b) if that is just too drastic bc you guys have been set up separately for a long time, you could make a household account and determine how much from each persons check goes into each payday. Then you each have your own accounts that are separate. I think it would drive anyone crazy to feel that everything was on them and that the other person had little to no financial responsibility. In our house we have one income but I get an amount for the house so I do all the day to day buying like groceries, clothing, birthday gifts etc. He takes the rest and pays all the bills and puts money aside for our savings. We each have the freedom to spend money here and there, but for anything like $50 or more, we ask the other about it, when it is off budget. I don't think his salary being lower would be the issue if both of you were working together to get everything paid etc. Dave Ramsey has great tools about budgeting and getting out of debt etc. We read his book "The Total Money Makeover" a few years ago and have been debt free for awhile now. My husband changed jobs and took a temporary pay cut and we are ok, bc we have no debt. So maybe look into it and see if you think it could help you guys. Money is such a huge issue in marriage and is a big reason people bust up, I know you don't want that, so I hope you guys can get to working on this asap. Wish you the best!

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Problemo numero uno: You are wanting it more than him...that is issue. You can't want something more than the person that can make it happen. It will drive you insane trying to make/force/coerce/threaten someone into doing something they simply have no desire to do.(even if it is for the betterment of themself/family)

Stop and realize that this is your life, doesn't sound like it is going to change much unless he has an "awakening" on his own....now make it the best darn life possible with what you have got.

Personally I don't think having your money divided up as stated is good for a marriage. It all should be communal. You mention it works best for you and the alternative isn't good. But this sounds disastrous. Setting it up like that sounds more like a "roommate" situation. It makes it too easy to keep score....which is what you are doing. Try working together instead of working against eachother when it comes to paying for this and that. I think it is a shame that you have allowed yourself and him to have all "your" money to go towards the kids. You have set yourself up for the very predicament you are in. He is perfectly happy and content with "his" financial situation. He has not had to be directly involved in many aspects of your family. He is living up to "his" end of the bargain you both have set.

I saw your post this morning but didn't have time to respond. So that meant I thought of your post all day until now. My gut reaction was to tell you to stop fighting and nagging him...start loving,cherishing, and respecting him. I know....those are the last things you want to hear. But...I really think you have beat the poor man down with your nagging,yelling, crying, and constantly showing him you are not happy with where he is in life or where your family is in life. I feel for the man. You say you love him and he is a good dad. For heaven's sake...he is a good man and loves you and the kids and goes to a job everyday he isn't overly thrilled about. Don't ruin it all over the bigger slab of bacon you feel he should bring home. Be the refuge he wants to come home to after a long day at work. Sometimes when we build up and encourage our husbands then it makes them want to do more for us/family.

I am sorry if this sounds like I am raggin on you. But..you ultimately are the only one that has power in this situation to make it better cuz he isn't budging in the employment/schooling situation. Sooo, you can either keep heading down the road you are on or change your perspective and scale down on how much you are spending in your alotted categories. You feel like the weight is on your shoulders because it is...but you are allowing it. If he isn't going to do anything to raise his pay...then you will need to scale back on the extras so you don't feel so strapped.

Good luck and best wishes. Maybe counseling for yourself would help you deal with the frustrations, disappointment and unfilfilled expectations that is turning into depression and resentment. Soooo not healthy for a marriage.

3 moms found this helpful

Have you been to couples counseling or family counseling?? Please go! An independent view might help you both with these issues. Is your husband depressed? Has he had a physical recently? Some of the things you have said seem to indicate some depression (failure to thrive, hopelessness, lack of ambition) Good luck!

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You can't force him to go to school, especially at this point right now in the economy where having advanced degrees isn't helping a lot of people right now. Many state jobs require Masters degree OR 5+ years experience. Your husband has 10, so in the state's eyes, it's roughly the equivalent of a Masters. I know this b/c my husband also has a job with the state (that also pays very little) and I have read too many job applications, pay scales and requirements that say this.

It sounds to me, that education isn't necessarily the answer for him, but perhaps a change in careers or at least a change in employers. With his years of experience he could shift into a new field, perhaps private sector in which he can apply some skills.

Also, we are in our 30s, make less than $45k a year and are having a very hard time financially. I stay at home because I can't find a job that would earn enough to make paying daycare for 2 kids worth it. I work on the weekends and it helps, but that's all we can do. So, be very grateful that you even have what you do. If two full times jobs aren't enough for your family, then perhaps you need to cut back on spending on some areas.

Really, you have an attitude of what's yours and his. If you change your focus on the two of you contributing to your family together it would be better for your marraige. What we do, is funnel our money for living expenses into one account. Then, any extra we budget and spend between us and out family. Having a clear budget could help you guys a lot. I'm fairly certain he is aware he makes less than you. SO if you change the battle of the money issue, and instead attack it from the issue of him finding a job that he will be happier at, it could help. It sounds like he could be stressed and depressed about this, and you pushing him and pretty much belittling his ability to contribute to the family is a major stressor.

It really sucks he doesn't earn more money, but guess what, PLENTY of people are struggling right now, and employers just aren't giving raises. He needs less nagging about getting a masters, and more encouragement to try his hand at a new job. He isn't happy where he is, and he isn't making much money as well. He could get some free career counseling at my church, non-members are welcome with no pressure to join. They help people learn how to market their skills, help with brushing up on resumes, dossiers, interview skills, networking and getting back into the job hunt and tons of job search tips. It really sounds like this would help him considerably. You can find a career center near you here:

https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/ct/stakes---wards.jsf?name=th...

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Show him this post.

You should recognize that this is about your loss of respect due to his lack of ambition and complaining. It's not about his job.
A new job wouldn't fix the problem if he still has no ambition.

I don't know that that's something you can fix. Clearly, you can't force him into any decision (and why would you want to try?). But, you do owe it to him to explain your feelings to him very clearly.
Then, it's on him to address things.
YOU can't fix this.

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OK, I read only a few of your responses. I do not currently have the issue you do of earning more money than my husband, though I have in the past. The current issue we have is that he suffers from clinical depression & I do not. Kind of oddly, the symptoms your husband & my husband are presenting are very similar. Also, the responses you've tried as well as the responses I've tried are eerily similar. I cannot tell you how many times I've said, written, thought to myself & him, "I want you to WANT to feel better. I want you to WANT to do whatever is necessary including the possibility of medication if that's what it takes!" but mostly to no avail.

Here's the thing though, sweetie: nobody is perfect, nobody has all the money they want, nobody has a super-duper happy marriage all the time. I do agree with the one mama who said that you sound angry to be the main bread-winner & it also sounds like you begrudge your husband only earning whatever it is he's earning. You've got to let go of these misconceptions, they're killing your marriage.

I realized from being married to someone for over 12 years that there is absolutely nothing on this Earth that I can do to make him change if he doesn't want to. ALL I CAN DO is change how I react to it as well as how much I allow it to affect me personally.

Your situation is absolutely no different from mine believe it or not. You've got to decide if you want to offer support (emotional, monetary, etc.) for him to do whatever he wants, if you want to get out of the marriage to look for more of what you had expected a husband to be, or to accept him for who he is.

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You are right that you cannot force him to go to school...I've been having this same battle with my husband who will get PAID to go to school beause of the GI Bill, and he is finally at a point where HE WANTS to do it. So he should be starting soon. I am also in the last year of my MBA program. So we are in the same boat there. I just took a new job which pays me $10k more than what he makes now. He should be getting a new offer this week for a job that pays either what I am making now or $5k more. Plus he has reitrement. However, why is your money "mine and yours"? Why is it not all in one place and paid the same way? I have my budget spreadsheet seperated out by our paychecks, but we don't look at who pays what per say. Ultimately, I pay the mortgage, groceries, gas, and daycare. He pays all of the credit cards, utlities, and extras. But it doesn't matter because it is all OUR money. Do you LOVE him? Or are you just there because it is easy? I don't see anything wrong with the mom being the breadwinner as long as the hubby is contributing. He needs to look for another job, but you can't force him to do that either. Figure out if you want to be with him...if not, look at your options.

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I would stop looking at it as he pays for this - i pay for that - and figure out a way that you both contribute towards the bills without having it so broken down. My husband and I have always had separate finances - and when he gets paid a portion of his check goes directly to me as i manage our finances. he is then free to do whatever he likes with the remainder. i don't ever think - oh well - he only pays the car payment and half the mortgage - seems kind of weird to think about things that way. he works - he contributes - that should be it. You can't make someone get educated if they don't want to - and really - a higher degree does not necessarily equal more money. you seem frustrated that you make more than him - doesn't seem like it's worth getting this upset over. As for getting ahead - everyone feels that way. It's called life...

Good luck

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I am reading the best book right now that a friend gave to me over the weekend. It is called The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. I have a wonderful husband, but there are some stubborn things about him that irk me at times. Our marriage is not in trouble, but it is little scenarios like the one you describe above that can start putting a wedge between two people and can slowly start eating away at it if you let it. This book has been a blessing to me. It gives me a whole new perspective on how to manage what is important to address and how to address it. I have discovered that many things I want to change in him, start with things I must change about myself first. Go to Amazon or a book store and take a look at this book to see if it is something that might help you. So much of what you mention here is talked about in the book. I seriously think you will find this book will speak to you in ways you cannot even imagine. It brought tears to my eyes at times with such a feeling of hope! We seldom can change attitudes or behaviors about our spouses especially when they are stubborn or don't think it needs changing, but God can. Sometimes he can show us a different path we never thought about that works the best for all involved. Don't let something like this ruin your marriage. You are truly better together than divided which sounds like what you believe to be true as well. Good luck!
A.
A.

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Frustrated with husband... I know that feeling
I have no advice. My husband had a BA in Marketing from years ago. Useless where we live. Plus, his grades were shameful. He went back and got another degree with straight A's and then started getting interviews for the good jobs. It was a sacrifice while he was in school. He had no time really. It took him a lot longer to study, but he did much better.

Did I misunderstand? Is all his money his and all your money for the family? I always joke that my husband's money is ours and mine is mine, but that is not true. We pull it together even though I hate how much he invests in stocks. I would buy the CDs that are 100% guaranteed.

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like you need to make an appt with a marriage counselor.

Perhaps the way to explain this to your husband is that you both need to get on the same page with financial goals, long term plans, etc. so that you both feel happy and fulfilled. Tell him it really stresses you out to see him so unhappy with his job, his pay and his unwillingness to take your advice to make some changes. Explain that you aren't upset with him, as a person, but moreso the situation your family is in and that you feel that talking with someone will help you both come to some agreements.

Know that you aren't alone. It seems many people are in a similar financial situation right now - both due to the economy and people's feelings of being "stuck" in a job they are unhappy with.

Hang in there - and get some professional help. You will not change him alone.

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Wow, your money and his money. I am never once compared what I made against what my husband makes. When we frist married his (self-employeed) business was going down fast. we managed on soup's and no extras for awhile, then he couldn't find work, we managed. Then he got a new career and we moved and so I was unemployeed we manged, then His re-started his old business and I worked we managed, his (new) old business took off this time and I quit the job I hated and we managed then I opened my own business and we are still managing. It's always us/we not him or I. Yes I supported us, then he supported us for the bulk but I never has looked at it that way. I have and had friends when he restarted his business going it failed the first time, leave now your out of debt fromt the 1st time and it's going to fail now, and all I could say was wow then also. He wanted to do it and needed to, I support him we figured out how to feed the family. I am NOT says this to be true for your family but a friend of ours who divorced over basically money issues told us he had to "drive" becasue she treated him as a child not he is re-married and very driven and is a different person. Now she says that since he didn't force the issue she thought he just wanted her to do everything and figure it out. My husband and I each own a business but the other is on all the paper work, I do what I need with my business and ask his advise and he does the same. we both my bills in the home. I have no ideal who has paid more this year and couldn't careless. ITS about your family not him and then you

What jumps out to me here is that you haven't combined your incomes. Perhaps there is a reason for this, like kids from separate marriages, etc. My husband could say the same about my salary, but it's our money and we don't think that he pays for this, I pay for that. Are you struggling financially? Not everyone is so driven for career achievement. Personally, I think if you have good jobs, are saving for retirement, don't have major debt, can pay your expenses, and can save for your kids' education, what more do you need? State employees do have good retirement benefits despite what the governor has done.