I had such high hopes when me and my husband got married nearly two years ago. Back then he was active, fit, did what he said when he said, adopted my son and when we added our daughter he took the kids out and was very involved. Did I mention he did the housework on days off and spoiled me with "extra". We had a very active sex life and we were planning on having a total of 4 kids...fast forward 2 years-he no longer resembles the man I fell in love with. He has type 2 diabetes(had long before we met) that he doesn't manage(see other posts) doesn't help with housework, sleeps too much, eats too much gained almost 80 pounds, and gets pissed when I ask him to take the kids out, ask him to sweep or mop and most recently won't give me the debit card so I can fish Xmas shopping. He refuses to see we have a problem-won't go to counseling etc. We haven't had sex in 2 months. He wants to but his stonach is in the way and I am not even slightly attracted to him. It is so sad! Our anniversary is in 2weeks.. He wants to go have a good time-i see nothing to celebrate.. Should I go? How should we (ok I) try to fix this? I would have left already if my 4 year old son weren't so in love with his daddy-he idolizes him-breaks my heart too because I am scared my husband won't be around in even ten years if he doesn't take care of himself. I am so sad and would rather forget our anniversary.
And I have talked to him many many times, even found several marriage counselors-he flat out told me they do no good. He has had awful things happen to him in the past-his father was murdered 20 years ago, been abused, I know he hates the way he looks. I have repeatedly told him I am here for anything he needs-no luck he won't really talk. When I told him all these issues he just says that I think I am "entitled" to have someone do things I can do for myself, he said all I do is complain(I complain more to mamapedia). He used to say he would fix things-never follows through. I have even offered sexual favors and favorite meals to bribe him to exercise or talk to someone! He has seen a therapist but says they don't help.
You need to tell him exactly how you feel. He needs to agree to counseling. Show him this post and tell him that if he won't work on it at all, then you don't have much left. He sounds incredibly depressed -has this been a past issue? He really needs to talk to someone with you and alone.
Instead of telling him that he has problems and you both need to see a counselor for his issues, perhaps you should tell him that you've realized you have issues that are impacting your outlook and feelings, especially on the marriage.
I agree that he may have depression. However, I think you are projecting an expectation on him that is adversely effecting your marriage. Physical attraction is one thing, but whatever if going on with how you perceive him is leading you to devalue him and no longer love him.
As women, we all lament about gaining weight (especially after pregnancy). I gained 50 pounds with each of mine. Some of us lose the weight, some of us never do--but we still expect our spouses to love us and find us attractive enough for intimacy. We still hope our husbands acknowledge our wedding anniversary.
Our hair turns grey. Our boobs sag. Stretch marks mar our thighs and stomach. Men fall victim to the same unattractiveness from aging--weight gain, balding, yellowing teeth, loss of muscle. That's the unglamourous side of 'growing old together'. So, saying you're repulsed by his physique is bull--none of us are going to look as good as we did "way back when". So let that go. I think the issue is that you no longer respect his lifestyle, you're having difficulty admiring who your spouse is as a person, you resent him for not participating more, and you're insulted that your life partner is not taking care of his health better. And for those reasons, you need counseling to help you work through the disconnect between your expectations and your marriage's reality. You should ask him to support you by attending the counseling sessions also.
He is Depressed.
He ALSO has Diabetes.
My Dad had Diabetes... men, get depressed, having Diabetes. Bear that in mind. Their body... changes even their libido and erections. It is their health.
My Dad.... 10 years ago... DIED because of Diabetes. He was also on Dialysis... due to Renal Failure.
You NEED to, address his Diabetes. As a Spouse. Nagging won't help. They need a Support Group... and in managing their health.
Try to get him into a Diabetes Support Group...
You NEED to address his Diabetes. I cannot repeat that enough. It affects their whole being... .
Diabetes affects:
health... their circulation and neurological functioning. Over time, it can degrade. It also affects their blood pressure/heart/kidneys/nerves/circulation... which also, affects sex. Ability.
It is a VERY VERY serious disease....
Your Husband... is Depressed. My Dad, went through some of that, since he had Diabetes. It changes your life... and your sense of mortality.
My Mom, did not, empathize with him about it. She just talked 'at' him about it telling him to watch his weight/food intake/health... but did not talk 'with' him about it.
It made him sad.....
all the best,
Susan
Wow. My friend, this is a tough situation. This stuff is caused by high blood sugar. I wish he could see how valuable it is to care for his health, but it's almost impossible to realize that through a fog of depression and fatigue caused by poor blood glucose numbers.
You are making an effort and that's good. Please don't be discouraged (even though it's hard).
Can you start doing a mandatory family walk after supper? Ask him if he will at least agree to that. It's something that you can do together.
As for being sad...... I do understand. Sometimes, though, we have to pull it together even when we don't feel like it. I am not saying to deny your feelings, but you SHOULD celebrate your anniversary. Talk about your hopes and dreams together and mabey the two of you can band together to bring a hope and a future back into your family.
HUGS!
.
I agree that it sounds like he is depressed.
He needs to see his MD about it.
It's so sad that you just want to forget your anniversary.
Marriage, as you know, has ups and downs. Sometimes you need the downs to better appreciate the ups.
It sounds like he is really depressed.... I hear you talking about wanting to leave but he needs you most now. I know it is hard I've been in his shoes! Dont push to dothings. Invite him along but never push.
I dont agree with some of the things he has done to you...I think they suck... but if wants to go celebrate your anniversary I say go and have a great time! Try to reconnect with him. Try to understand where he is coming from today. Dont look for the person of years ago.... who is he today!
Offer sexual favors with no strings attached and fav meals because you love him. I know you want to see him well and take care of himself but right now he cant. It may take time but hopefully he will come around....the question is do you have the strength to endure this period of being in the valley instead of up on top of the mountain?
Stop complaining (if you do) and start saying how you feel... I.E. "I miss how we use to go XYZ" "I see you are really hurting inside and it makes me sad. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up today?" "Im get really sad seeing you so sad honey." Start it all out with "I feel" ...
Good luck honey... I was your hubby (still am sometimes) we hurt inside, sometimes we dont know why. My sister was murdered 20 yr ago too. I know his pain. Different family member but a family member just the same.
***BIG HUG*** to both of you!
I agree with the first poster. That does sound like major depression on his part.
sounds like he is depressed. maybe he should take depression medication. does depression run in his family?
I cannot believe he gained 80 pounds in 2 years. I agree with you that he is like another man, just 2 short years later. I would be very upset too. Don't guilt yourself in staying with him because your son loves him so much. Your son will STILL love him if you get divorced. You son will be fine. He will still see his dad a lot, so I really don't see that as a problem. That is a very bad sign when someone refuses to go to counseling. I think I would be ready to divorce, too. Best of luck whatever you decide.
You should celebrate, at least go to dinner. Think you need to sit down and talk about why you fell in love in the first place and try and recapture that. Maybe he can make you laugh like no one else? And maybe you can cook the best he ever had? Talk about the good times and maybe you will start to remember..
Also good anniversary present would be to get you both gym memberships and actually make the time to go together. It will help you bond while getting healthy. Exercise is a good key to happiness and moods.
Best wishes to you both.
I agree that it could be depression and he needs to talk to his doctor about it, as well as agree to counseling. If he won't go to counseling with you, then you go yourself. It's such an abrupt change, and you need to just level with him - he's not the man you married 2 years ago and he used to do all these things that he doesn't seem to care about anymore, and he needs help. If he continues down this path, you can't see how you can continue to be married anymore. You don't want to see him die an early death. Maybe going out on your anniversary is the time to have that conversation - or beforehand, so you can explain why you don't feel like going out or having sex. You might just need to be perectly blunt with him now and start talking with him about it, rather than just forgetting about the fact that you are still married and have an anniversary coming up.
Look at this way - if it were you that gained the 80 lb, stopped helping out around the house and doing things with the kids, and didn't bother managing your diabetes, what would you want your husband to do? Bring it your attention because he still cares about you and your marriage, or just up and leave?
