42 answers

Smoking Mother-in-Law

Hi. I have a mother in law that smokes in her house. I am allergic to cigarette smoke and I have a 19 month old and a 6 week old son. I do not allow them to go over there unless it is a special occasion. My mother in law does not agree with this and tells me to get over it. I don't feel I have to get over it and wanted to know if anybody else has this same problem and how they deal with it. She refuses to come to my house now because I won't go to hers. She has only seen my new son 2 times since he has been born.

Thanks to all of you who have responded. I wanted to add...My MIL doesn't think that smoking is bad. I have explained all the problems with her but since she smoked through all of her pregnancies, which were 6 of them, and nothing seems to be wrong with her kids...she doesn't think there are problems. She is only 50 yrs old and has to have a breathing machine at night because she can't breath very well. Her youngest daughter also smokes and smoked 2 packs a day with both of her boys. She has a 2 1/2 yr old and a 4 month old. They both have lots and lots of issues. The older one gets rsv 2 times a year and is always in the hospital. He has asthma and all sorts of problems. They still do not think that this is related to smoking. My kids have never been sick. My oldest has had one cold in his life and never had an ear infection or anything. Her 4 month old has had 4 ear infections already. My husband agrees that they should not go to his mom's house. He does take my older son with him every now and then since he is older now but they do not stay very long. I will just leave it how I have it now and if she wants to see them she can decide to come over.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you all for your advice. I have decided I just won't go over. Even if she doesn't smoke while I am there I still get sick because smoke is in everything and it lingers. If she wants to see them she can come to my house. I am only a mile away but if not it is her loss.

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My mother smokes and I don't take my son to her house! I don't like her to hold him after smoking, it makes him stink, and 2nd hand smoke causes ear infections in babies! I wouldn't take them over I would make lunch dates or something..and if she really wants to see them that bad she will come to you in a somke free place!

My MIL smokes, but has always gone outside at my house without me asking. I've just had to make it an issue for the grand-daughters not to follow her out as a way to spend more time with her! But at her house, it's her rules so she can smoke inside if she wants - which just means we don't visit.

Good luck!
J.

T. my mother in law smokes also. I had twin boys 8 months ago. I told my MIL that I would not come to the house if she smoked inside. The first few weeks I wouldn't go out there at all then she started going outside to smoke. her house nolonger smells like smoke and she doesn't smoke in house. She washes her hands before handling the babies. She will make any sacrafice for her grandchildren. maybe you could ask her if she could go outside to smoke. I wish you all the luck in the world

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My ex and his parents were the same way. I just flat out told them that if my baby came home smelling like smoke, or if I caught them smoking around my infant, they would NOT be allowed to see him without supervision from myself. They would smoke around him, and he would get a sinus/ear infection every single time. Make your point that smoking IS VERY BAD, especially around a baby. You can call the local hospital and give them her address and they will send a pamphlet for free about the effects of second-hand smoke and children.

T.,

Its as plain as the nose on your face...your MIL cares more about her cigarettes then her own grandchildren. She has made her choices so let her live them....sadly, those choices effect your kids by not having a grandma around on a regular basis. Ultimitly, they are the ones who will suffer for it and she will have to live with the consequences...

Hi: I just wanted to tell you dont let in on your rules about smoking around your kids or in your home. You are going to have to get on the internet and find reserach that supports your arugurment about second hand smoke. That is a prime example about the child who gets rsv, being around smoke. My home has been smoke free for many years. Its a rule when anybody comes to visit there is no smoking in my home. I have grand children, and I have to protect them when I can. There parents dont smoke so it makes it a litter easier. Also, talk to your doctor and tell him/her you need help convincing your mother-in-law about the danger of second hand smoke around your children. Hopefuly, If your mother in law loves her grand children like I love mines, she would make compromise while the children are around. When people come to my house they smoke outside. I hope this advise helps.

T.,

You are not alone with this problem. I'm also violently allergic to smoke and my husband has asthma. Smoke causes breathing problems for both of us on top of those problems I get debilitating migranes cominded with nausea if I'm exposded for longer than thirty minutes. Being in a home that is permiated with smoke is torture for both of us. Life long smokers have problems understanding and accepting that a habit they have can cause pain to another person.

I'm fortunate in that none of the immediate family smokes and the extended family members that do smoke keep the habit outside at family gatherings. You do not need to "get over it" as you mother-in-law has told you. I'm betting that she is being difficult becuase she is feeling guilty that her habits are driving her children and grandchildren away. My grandmother reacted the same way when I was growing up. My father would not take us to her home and she was only alowed to smoke outside when she visited.

The good news for you is that you have science and the pediatricians on your side. Explain what happens to you physically when you are around smoke. Ask your doctor for information to back up your position. Take her with you to your next visit to the pediatrician and have the childrens doctor explain the health issues the exposure to smoke causes for small children. Children in smoke filled envirionments have more upper respiratory infections, highter risk for contracting RSV, typically have more ear infections, the list just goes on and on. This is not just a personal preference issue for you and your family it is a health issue. She needs to understand you are not being difficult about her smoking just to hurt her. While you are at it explain that she is also at risk and that you and your husband are also concerned about her health. Ask her when she last had a complete physical.

The grandmother I mentioned earlier was a three pack a day smoker until a black spot appeared in an x-ray of her lungs just after she turned 72. She was so frightened she quit cold turkey and never touched a cigarrette again. She celebrated her 92 birthday in May this year. However, her smoking has cost her dearly. Smoking excellerated her macular degeneration (a degenerative retinal condition) and she lost her eye sight 5 years ago. She suffers from cronic broncitus and has been hospitalized with near fatal puemonia 5 times. Her circulation is poor and in the winter she is constantly cold. To this day she wishes someone had been able to convince her to quit sooner.

Keep in mind that you are asking you mother-in-law to stop or at least curb an adictive habit when she is around you. Try to be supportive and encourage her to stop for her own heath.

Good Luck,

J.

HI T., I have never been a smoker, but have been around smokers most of my life. After my grandson was born, we all agreed if someone wants to come see him, they will have to smoke outside. This included my daughter( the mother of the child). To this day, no one smokes around the grandchildren.There are a lot of smoking related illness, people that can't accept that are in complete denial!Thank God you and your husband are in agreement with this issue. You are doing what's best for your children. Congratulations.

Funny you should say that. When I was pregnant none of my family memebers smoked around me b/c for one thing I can't stand the smell of it but they didn't do it while I was pregnant out of respect. My mother in law on the other hand would keep smoking every time we went to her house till the day I gave birth even though she knew how I felt about it. So, before I gave birth....I sent out an e-mail to all the smokers including my mom and dad and of course to MIL and letting them know ahead of time that there will ZERO smoking around our new son. Everyone respected our wishes....when I went to my mom's house....my dad would go to the garage and smoke out there, my mom gave up smoking b/c of Lance(my son). My mother in law threw a fit like a baby and made a big deal b/c we asked that while we come to see her that she doesn't smoke in the house in front of Lance....So even though she was pissed about it she wouldn't smoke. At First!!!! Then she started again and we stopped going. We then brought it up and even her mother told her that she was being selfish for not wanting to do something like that since this was a baby/toddler's health we're talking about. So needless to say.........My son is 3 1/2...my mother in law only comes on special occasions and says she feels like a dog b/c we make her smoke outside. We don't go to her house either and you know what....this way is actually kinda nice. But it's an ungoing battle and she's got health problems right now b/c of her smoking and drinking habits and was told she needs to stop but of course hasn't. She's almost 52 and probably wont live longer than her 60's....her only daughter suffers from asthma as well....Eric has problem breathing sometimes....it has to do w/her heavy smoking and she just doesn't care. One time we went to dinner and found out that the restaurant doesn't have a smoking section and she got mad and didn't want to eat there....How bad is that!!!!
All I can say is.....You can't make a smoker not smoke if they don't want to. Stick to your roots and don't give in This are your kids and what you and your husband say GOES. Who cares if she did w/her kids and her kids did it to.....this aren't her kids or your sister's in law kids.....you're the one who will be making the decisions for your two kids till the day they move out on their own and are old enough to make decission so until then........you make the rules....simple as that and if they don't like it, well that's on them. I refuse still till this day to have people smoke in front of my 3 year old and there's nothing wrong w/that either!!!! Hope that helped a little. Sorry it was so long....this is a touchy subject for me. One of many actually when it comes to my in law's!!!

If your Mother-n-Law has any respect for you and you children she will not smoke in the presence of your family,and would make her environment acceptable for you since you are allergic. I am a smoker however,I never smoke in my house, nor do I smoke around people who don't. I have two girls in their 20's and just found out I am going to be a grandma for the first time. I will never expose my grandchildren to smoke, hopefully I will quite by then. She is being very selfish and should think of her family first. Or she could be a very lonely person. If that means coming to your house all the time so be it, I know I would. Best of luck.

Hi T.,

I sure wish your MIL could see my father now. He has been a heavy smoker since high school and was also exposed to Agent Orange in Vietnam. When my daughter was born, almost 11 years ago, he was realizing how much he missed just by having to leave the house when he wanted to smoke (which was often). He vowed that he would quit my daughter's 1st b-day. Well, her b-day is Jan. 1st and they arrived from their home in KY on Christmas Eve for her 1st Christmas. My dad had terrible broncitis. He almost died, and had to stay in the hospital here in MO for 5 days. He missed my daughter's first b-day party. His last cigarrette was on Christmas eve. He was only 51 at the the time; he is now 62 and has full-blown emphysema. His life is pretty much over. His lungs are the consistancy of "dryer lint" (direct quote from his Pulmonary Specialist). He needs a transplant, but his lungs can't handle it. My mom died last year (at age 58) of breast cancer, so he now lives with us. I love having him here, but I see the regret in his eyes every day.
You MIL has a very tough addicition. I've heard that it is easier to quit herion than nicotine. But, maybe someday she'll hit rock bottom and have to either quit or die. Until then, keep doing what you're doing. Maybe that will cause her "rock bottom"...because nothing is more important in life than people...esp. family.
Hang in there...knowing YOU are doing the RIGHT thing!!! God Bless....
S. :)

Dear T. -

I can tell you that smoking around children IS harmful and irresponsible....especially if they are actually diagnosed with a respiratory problem, such as asthma and allergies.

I do some volunteer work for the juvenile court system and was present when a judge actually informed a mother who's children are diagnosed with respiratory problems is NOT to knowingly allow smoke or other air pollutants around her children.

It's time Grandma puts her cigarettes away and her grandchildren's well-being should come first.

I've smoked in the past, and I'm a grandmother and I would never subject any child to second-hand smoke or set the bad example that smoking is an 'ok' thing to do.

Stand your ground and good luck.

Good for you and it's great that your husband agrees and supports you on this. I would continue handling it the same way you are now...your door is always open, but no smoking in your house. She can always step outside for a quick smoke if she is just that desperate.

I don't have allegies (have been tested), but I get the same reactions to cigarette smoke as if I were allergic. Even being somewhere that someone has smoked is enough to have me plugged up and coughing for 2 weeks. I would continue NOT taking the boys over there.

You can see how much it IS affecting your SIL's kids. You can see how much it has affected your MIL, whether she wants to believe it or not. And she's at least got a filter on her cigarette - your kids would be breathing 2nd hand, unfiltered smoke.

You and Brian, as parents, have the responsiblity to give your kids their best chance at a healthy future. A no smoking policy is a positive step. CHEERS!!

My mother smokes and I don't take my son to her house! I don't like her to hold him after smoking, it makes him stink, and 2nd hand smoke causes ear infections in babies! I wouldn't take them over I would make lunch dates or something..and if she really wants to see them that bad she will come to you in a somke free place!

I haven't had to deal with this problem....but I think I would have to say to her.....Let's say you are allergic to cats (or whatever else) and I have a cat. You want to come to my house to visit, but everytime you do you break out in hives and start sneezing and your eyes water because the cat come right up to you and climbes on you. Would you expect me to put my cat outside for the short time you are there visiting, or would you rather me say "get over it". Maybe if she sees it in another example she would understand.....if not, then know you are doing the best thing for you family and if she wants to be a part of that she will give up her habit for a short time while you visit. Good luck. C.

T., I think you are being reasonable and your mother in law is being a stubborn fool on her part. She should be understanding and supportive of you. Unless she is physically incapable of coming over or too far away to come over then thats one thing. Otherwise she is the one who is losing out by not coming over to visit your son. Is your husband supportive of your decision and how does he handle this?
S.

T., If you want to keep peace in the family and keep your children safe have your in-laws invest in one of my FreshAir 2.0 purifiers. I have had one in my house for 3 years and both my husband and I smoke and people come in and can't even tell. They also are known to protect tiny babies from CIDS. I worked for this company for 2+ years. I am not a salesman, but I managed to sell 8 machines and everyone is well satisfied with theirs. For those 2+ years I wore a unit that is made for your own personal air when you are around other people that are sick. It is worn around your neck(I worked in a hospital). I wasn't sick not one day during that time and it kept those hospital smells away from my breathing. You can't compare them to the ones you see in stores because these are very highly tested with results being phenominal.I have 2 units left from my inventory that I would be willing to give them(or you and your family) an affordable discount and you help pay for the shipping. I live in Morrison,Missouri. Where do you and your in-laws live? If I can help, please let me know. My email address is;(____@____.com).Those kids need their grandparents too.I know, I am a grandparent and enjoy having them around.

I know how you feel. My mom and dad both smoke in their house, but at least when we come over, they will clean up and keep smoking to their room. While you want your children to have a relationship to their grandparents, you want to them to be healthy, also. Maybe she would be willing to compromise that when you or your children are there, she does not smoke in the house. I don't think smokers realize just how bad they smell and just how intrusive smoking can be. I can understand being allergic, you want to avoid it all together. If you can get her to at least not smoke in front of your kids, being exposed to a stinky house for a few hours at a time won't be that bad for them. We had to live with my parents for a month when my daughter was 5 weeks old. Even though we got new carpetting for our room, had an air conditioner installed and the vents from the rest of the house blocked, and they only smoked in their room; my daughter was colicky for the entire time we were there and I could still smell cigarette smoke in our room. But we were there 24/7 for a month. When we go over there now, we give her a good bath when we get home as we all smell like smoke.
I hope she is willing to compromise for the sake of her grandchildren and family unity. It's probably not going to be easy since she has a daughter supporting her decision that doesn't seem to think her children's health is very important. If she won't budge... good luck. It's great that your husband is with you on this.

T., it breaks my heart when anyone wants to put cigeretts in their mouth, because I know what it can do to their bodies, let alone those around them due to second-hand smoke. I am with a company called Isagenix. Isagenix is a cellular cleanse. So it cleanses harmful toxins like cigerett smoke. Adults can cleanse and children seven years and up can cleanse, but I know of testimonies of people losing their cravings for smoking by taking Isagenix. So my advice would be to check out these two amazing videos about Isagenix and what it can do for you and your family's health, and maybe even your mother-in-law as well. They are not very lengthy either, but are very eye opening to how harmful toxins are to our bodies and how Isagenix can cleanse those harmful toxins away. This is not like the horrid cleanses that you hear about either, this works through the urnination system. My three-year-old takes the nutritional shakes and loves them and has been on them since a tiny baby. So it's good for the whole family. The two websites are www.drdrgivemethetruth.com and www.cleansedforlife.com.
If you have any questions, call me at ###-###-####. I would love to talk to you. In the mean time, I pray for you to have wisdom in all your decisions.
S. Graf

T., I know it has been a long time since you posted this, but I am new and I just saw this up on my page. I am glad that you decided not to go over there. I am a bit shocked that only one person from what I saw mentioned SIDS. My mother is a heavy smoker and she smoked with ALL her pregnancies (4) I was the first. My brother who was only 2 months old died of SIDS, he was her second. The rest of her children have asthma. I have been doing research on SIDS since I was in highschool. When I was pregnant with my first she smoked around me all the time. When my daughter was born I wouldnt let her near my daughter without washing her hands. My daughter is now 2 and recently we found out that my daughter is allergic to cig. smoke.... I told my mom and she said that is unheard of. I told her that she couldnt touch my daughter until she wore a different shirt and washed her hands and she couldnt kiss her until she brushed her teeth. My mom thinks I am trying to keep her granddaughter away from her, so now we do not talk. I know I am very over protective.... Anyway maybe you could do some research and show your MIL, and maybe you can make her see that you are only doing what is best for your children. I am extremely glad that you dont go over there because... SIDS happens more in boys than girls and happens more in the second child than any other. Also in the first year of life, and mostly between 2-4 months old. I am pregnant with my second and I am terrified of having a boy (even though I want one). I hope everything has been going well since you posted this....

I would tell your mother in law that if she wants to be a part of their livefs she should either quit smoking all togethor or go to your place. She's a grown up and she be behaving as such. Second hand smoke is way too serious to concede. Even if she doesn't smoke when they're there the chemicals are still imbedded in her paint, carpeting, and upholstery. Even this kind of exposure can lead to asthma, etc. Not to mention is the little ones chew or mouth anything in the house they are being exposed to potentially fatal chemicals. If your mother in law is too ignorant to face facts your children sad to say are better off without her. If she truly cared for them she would make this concession.

T.,
Your MIL should respect your wishes due to the health issues. It strikes me as very selfish that she cannot stop smoking for the well being of your children, which, in my opinion is most important. Yes, your health is important, but they are her grandchildren and you would think she would be concerned with what is best for them. My MIL is a smoker and she NEVER smokes around any of the grandbabies. How rude to expose your grandchildren to something you know can adversely affect their health. I would express to her my disappointment for her total lack of respect for your wishes and also for the health of yourself and your children. Also, there is nothing wrong about keeping your children away from her house because of the smoke, and it is silly of her to not come to your house. Very childish.

Hi T.,
I completely understand your complaint, I have similar issues, the way I dealt with it is that my mother and father are not allowed to smoke (even in their own home) when my little one is visiting (they will put fans in the windows before he arrives to air out the home and take a break outside).
One thing to remember, your mother-in-law is sooo hooked on cigarettes that she cannot quit to save her own life, she is already on oxygen, so how could she do so for anyone else?
(I am just trying to point out that it isn't neccessarily that she doesn't want to be with your children and is being stubborn, she is simply Very Addicted). She will not be around forever, your children Need to know their Grandmother...and she will Value the relationship as well. Spare yourselves some extra Heartache in the Future and try to work out an amicable arrangement, I know it can be difficult, but it will be worth the effort! (PS-I often invite my parents when I take my son to the park and other such Outdoor activities!)
Best Wishes! ~K.

I do not see anything wrong with not wanting to expose your children to poisonous gases and toxic chemicals. I absolutely would not do it either. Please know you are doing the right thing for your children. Their lungs are still developing and they would be compromised if you exposed them to cigarette smoke. There is a plethora of information on risks involved with children and second hand smoke on the internet. Stay strong, read up and know that you are their mother and have their best interest at heart. I know this will be hard for your family, but it is worth it to keep those precious children healthy. Do not let her bully you or guilt you into doing something you will regret.

I do not have a smoking MIL but my grandfather is a smoker who smokes 3 packs a day. We just told him that if he comes over, he is not allowed to smoke around us or our baby for health reasons. If she does not want to come around, then that's her problem and she will miss out. I don't blame you for not taking your kids over to her house, however, it is her house and she can do what she wants in her house. It is your choice as to whether you take your kids over there. This will cause tension but remember, you are the mom of your kids and you have to look out for their best interest. Good luck!

Hi T.,
My name is C., and I have 7 children. Though I am not proud of it, I am a smoker too. Yes I smoked with all my children. Some had ear infections to the point of being critical. The doctor said it was because of my smoking. Which I did start to do outside, which helped for awhile. My other children had their share of colds and what not. I guess what I'm trying to say is this, my mother died of COPD and Emphysema. She was miserable. My stepfather died of Lung Cancer. Try to work something out with her. Maybe when the kids come to visit her tell her she can't smoke while they are there. And maybe have visits outside weather permitting. And when she comes to your house no smoking in the house. Don't let her last memories be that she can't see her grandchildren because of an addiction she can't put down. In her heart she knows it's wrong but if she admitts it she'll have to give it up. And she's probably been smoking a long time. My mom never gave it up even when she knew it wasn't long till the end. My mom was 54. So work something out you'll feel better in the end. Those baby's need to remember their grandma for who she is not what she's doing to herself and others.
I hope this helped. And good luck. God bless you and yours.

Sincerely,
C.

T.-

I am right there with you regarding smoking in-laws. My FIL smokes. I have a 3 year old daughter and when we visit he will only go to another room. He refuses to stop smoking in the house when we are there and rarely comes over to our house because we do not allow smoking in the house. It really bothered me at first, but I refuse to compromise my daughter's health. So now I chalk it up to his loss that he doesn't get to spend as much time with my wonderful daughter as he could. He hasn't seem to catch on to this fact yet, I only hope your MIL does and changes her ways so she can spend more time with your kids. Good luck to you!

Hi, My name is A.. I am a single mother of a 3 year old little girl. This is the first summer that my daughter has not been almost deathly ill. Many people I know smoke & there was a time where we were around it all the time. My daughter was so sick. I took her to an allergist & she said that I need to keep my daughter away from smoke. My daughter has broncitis & neumonia over 5 times in 1.5 years. It was that bad. Her allergist said it was caused by the cig. smoke. Don't feel bad about not taking your kids over to her house. You don't want your kids to be that sick. It's not worth it. I wish I could take back all the pain & suffering she went through.

Well, I'm very sorry that she is so stubborn. I have smoke-induced athsma, so I understand about not wanting to go since you are allergic. And the fact that she is in such poor health herself; she needs to pull her head out of the sand and get a clue! I wouldn't let my kids go if we had that situation! My boys have a grandpa that smokes, but luckily, he only smokes outside, and never if the kids are around.
So, I guess I don't have any advice, just wanted to give some empathy, I guess. Hang in there!

J.

Hi, T.:

You know who should deal with this? It should be your husband. It's his mom so he needs to be the bad person, not you. I was strict on people who smoked. If they wanted to hold my babies they had to wash their hands and put a towel or blanket over themselves so the smoke smell wouldn't rub off on my babies. Babies are suppose to smell sweet, not nasty. Stick to your guns girl, but make Brian step up.

Hi T., My sister was in a similar situation and you are doing the right thing. She had asthma and couldn't handle the smoke. I suppose you have explained that you can't stand the smoke and you want to protect your children from second hand smoke. Your mother in law should be alot more understanding. Just because she wants to damage her body doesn't give her the right to tell you to get over it. Studies definitely show that there is a danger to being exposed just to the second hand smoke. Since it is her home you can't really ask her to go outside but if she really wants to see her grandchildren she should cooperate. I hate this situation just from experience and we did the same as you. There is not alot more you can do if she won't help. Good luck and God bless!

L. M

T.,
That is crazy. You need to stick to your beliefs and make her get over it. If smoking is more important then her grandkids then she is a selfish woman.

dear T., i will tell you that it can be a compromise with you MIL about the smoking. ask her to please go outside when you are over. but it is her house and unfortunely you can't tell someone what to do in their own house.
but i also want to tell you that you should consider youself lucky with your children having few illness so far. children who have illness are not always caused by parents smoking. or even smoking in the house.
if your MIL cannot respect your concerns about this, then that is another issue. i hope you the best of luck.

My mother in law also is a heavy smoker, and my 4 year old son has asthma, so we do not stay at her house when we visit St. Louis. Thankfully, she is a great person who would never say anything bad about this decision, although I know she doesn't like it only because she would love for us to stay with her. But when I think about staying there, I remember what my pediatrician said when I asked him about it. . . he said, "Your son should not spend time in a house with smoke, period." So I just figure that's that. You have to do what's right for your boy, because you're his mom, and your mother in law will deal with it however she wants.

I grew up in a smoking household and was drug to one smoke filled bar after another. I know I was sickly and my father is sickly and always was. I had pnemonia when I was a teenager. But I'm healthy now that I've been away from it forever. I hate smoking and I hate the way smokers feel so darn entitled to polute our world in this way. I don't frankly think it's much of a loss for the children to simply not know their grandmother well. What kind of grandmother can she really be anyway? Making someone else sick is such a selfish thing to do.

T., Hi my name is Y. and I am a grandmother. I smoke and actually stopped a few weeks after my grandchildren were born. Twins born Nov.13,2005 I choose to stop smoking because I want to be here and be the best influence to my grandchildren I could possible be. My son's mother-in-law smokes as well and Father-in-law. I will tell you like I told my son and daugther-in-law. They are the parents now and they must do and act for their children and it is their responsibility to say to Mom,Dad,in-laws or who ever it might be no to smoking around their children and out of respect for you and your children of course you'd think they would have no problem with it. I am very sorry for you and this problem. Have you asked your husband to ask his mom not to smoke around the children and or explain to her how it is very harmful to the children. I hope thinks get taking care of for you and your family. She doesn't sound very bright if she is missing out in seeing her grandchildren. I will say a pray for you. I am a grandmother and I have to agree w/you on this one. Say NO!!!!!!

T. my mother in law smokes also. I had twin boys 8 months ago. I told my MIL that I would not come to the house if she smoked inside. The first few weeks I wouldn't go out there at all then she started going outside to smoke. her house nolonger smells like smoke and she doesn't smoke in house. She washes her hands before handling the babies. She will make any sacrafice for her grandchildren. maybe you could ask her if she could go outside to smoke. I wish you all the luck in the world

I kind of have the same problem, I have a father in law that smokes. They live out of state and he use to smoke outside when we would come visit, but the past few visits he has decided that he isn't going to do that anymore, so we have stayed with my sister in law instead. I guess my advice to you would be that you and your husband are resposible for your kids, It is a well known fact that smoking is deadly. I don't know where your husband stands on the issue, but if you are in agreement I think you should stick to your guns and don't allow your children to be in that enviroment. I would say that your kids health comes first in this situation. I have been the same way, I can't in good conscience allow my kids to breath in something that I KNOW is bad for them. I would say if your husband agrees with you, let him talk to his mom.
God Bless.
G.

She is the one making a choice--not you. Her decision is a very selfish one. Not a characteristic you want to rub off on your two children. Hopefully, she will someday come to her senses. She has to know that smoking is harmful. You need to protect your children. Don't feel guilty for her selfish decisions.

My MIL smokes, but has always gone outside at my house without me asking. I've just had to make it an issue for the grand-daughters not to follow her out as a way to spend more time with her! But at her house, it's her rules so she can smoke inside if she wants - which just means we don't visit.

Good luck!
J.

I agree with you 100% T.! Smoking is a big cause for SIDS. I would not take my child into a smokers home. Especially a small child. I am shocked that your MIL doesn't understand your side of this. Stick to your guns girl. If she wants to see her grandchildren, then she needs to stop smoking or not smoke in the house. Good luck with all of this. I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way! T. Harris

When it comes to inlaws, or any people for that matter, you really can't change a person unless they want to change. All you can do it set your limits, and let them respond how they choose to respond. It sounds like you've done all you can to encourage your mother in law to see your kids. It's not unreasonable at all to tell her not to smoke in the house when your children are there. All you can do is leave the door open for her to choose to be a part of her grandkids' lives. If she chooses not to, for whatever reason, then you really can't concern yourself with that. It's her loss. My dad and his wife only see my son twice a year, at Thanksgiving and Easter. They spend time on almost a weekly basis with my step-moms kids and their kids, but see almost nothing of my brother and myself and our children. I used to call when my son was a baby all the time to get together, but I was always told they had plans or were too busy. It used to bother me, but I finally decided that he's missing out on a great relationship with his grandkids, and that's his choice. I'm not hostile or rude to them, but I don't go out of my way anymore to include them in our lives, and I don't feel bad about it. That's all you can do with your MIL.
Hope this helps :-)
A.

HI T.. I am so sorry you have to deal with something like this. I too, had a very similar situation happen in my life. My ex-husband's entire family smoked in his mom's trailer. My situation became very bad starting when I was pregnant.

It was Christmas and we were all celebrating at my in-laws. I was about 8 months pregnant at this time, and a non-smoker. I had to beg my husband to ask his family to go outside and not smoke around me. His family's response was that maybe I should go outside. (Mind you, it was Christmas in Illinois, not exactly warm)

My husband did not stick up for me and after our son was born, he continued to let our son go over to his mother's without complaining of the smoke. I finally had to say something myself, of course making myself the "bad guy" - we are since divorced because of his lack of standing up for me in a situation that is in my opinion so important.

Bottom line - my situation's results were very extreme - we actually got a divorce over it (of course the general concept of him not sticking up for me is the real prob, but the smoking issue is one I would NEVER budge on). It is SO important to stick to your beliefs and think about your children's health. There were MANY times I thought maybe I was overreacting and I should just "let it go" for the sake of harmony in the family. I am so glad now that I didn't just let it go, and if my son ever asks me about it I can proudly say that I love him more than anything and everything I do is for him.

Best of luck to you, and give that wonderful husband who is sticking by you a big hug and kiss.

Sorry to be so BLUNT but Smoker's never seem to think it is their problem.My husband smoke's not in the house he did when I first meet him but now it's outside in the car.I refuse to have my kid's around smoke first of all it is linked to so many illnesses and if smoker's realize this we all would be healthier.My son loves the outside but since he has develpoed allergies and was worse in the fall I had him stay inside while dad lite up for his (HAPPY MOMENT) and then my son could go out and play.And guess what his own dad doens't belive he is at fault,I do to some degree.I hate to go over to his grandparent's house his gf smokes a pipe and hate it,the smell of course and secondhand if your mil doesn't want to smoke in front of the kid's for the lil time they are over there, yes it is her house but doesn't she want the best for them.I don't let smokers in my home to smoke and for them to respect that is great,also on that note I hope she realizes that she is on a breathing machine @ 50 yr.s old she is aging to fast and she is at high risk for Breast cancer and heart disease.Well keep your children at bay I wish my husband would quit but I guess not till he get's devasting new's,and that is sad because why does it have to happen before they even care to PUT IT OUT!!!

You are right!!! Also, if this were not between you and your mother-in-law, it would be something else. Your childrens health is more important than anything. Thank God you have a full-grown man for a husband that will back you up. Also remember, you are the one that has to care for your children when they are ill, not your in-laws.

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