Smoking Grandparents - Need Help Fast!!

This is a sticky situation.
I'm wondering though if part of your daughter's misery is due to the fact that she's never been around anyone who smokes and smoking "non-stop in the car" might have been a bit exaggerated.
I'm not saying your daughter was making it up or anything, but I have a daughter and my parents smoked. They didn't smoke in her immediate presence and it never bothered her until she hit about 11, 12, 13 and she would freak when they were smoking outside. She would claim to be able to smell it coming into the house or that even outside the smell would get on her. They were outside in their own yard and that wasn't good enough for her and she, frankly, was a bit of a brat about it.
Then, guess who started smoking when she turned 18. And, she knew full well all the fits she threw and how mean she was so she wouldn't smoke around me. She didn't want me to know.
She only smoked for a couple years and quit completely, but the hipocracy wasn't lost on her.

I think you should quit beating yourself up over this and tell your daughter that maybe she should just talk to Grandma and Grandpa and nicely say that she's not used to being around cigarettes and the smoke kind of bothers her.
You said yourself that you didn't even think about the cigarette issue...maybe your parents didn't really think about it much either. It doesn't sound like your daughter goes and stays with them all the time and these things have been worked out.
I don't think it has to be a big confrontation.
I'm not sure that you have to go running to get her or make a big stink about her coming home early and never going back.
Your parents might really be enjoying having her and if she mentions that it bothers her in a way that isn't disrespectful or snotty (like my daughter did), they may be willing to make some compromises for her visit.
They may be more willing having it come from her than you ripping into them about what they do in their own house.
If they get totally mean to her about it, that's a different story, but I would give her a chance to go that route first.
My sister and I got to go and spend summers with our grandparents and extended family. Some of them were smokers. As kids, I guess we were too busy running around outside and swimming and climbing trees, we wouldn't have wanted to come home over the smoking issue. We never thought much of it.
Like I said, if your daughter doesn't even know anyone who smokes, it's bound to bother her just by virtue of someone smoking no matter how close in proximity they are.
And, there is a possibility that your parents will be willing to smoke when they stop for gas or at a rest stop as opposed to in the car. They may be willing for the time she's there to smoke out on the porch instead of in the house. I think they'd be more willing to make those compromises if a huge deal isn't made of it.
That's just my opinion.
If you make her come home early or go get her or demand they don't smoke around her, the stubborn gates really will go up.
Try the softer approach.

I hope it works out and your daughter can enjoy the rest of her visit.

I would ask your daughter what she wants to do. She's old enough to be part of the solution here.

I understand that you're concerned about the smoke, but I promise that 1 week of secondhand smoke (even constant) at age 11 does not increase her chances of getting cancer. Now, if she has asthma or some other condition exacerbated by poor air quality then she should come right home. But if she's a healthy kid, she'll come home a healthy kid too (admittedly one who needs her clothes washed in extra hot water and bleach). If you're really worried about this, call your pediatrican and get some feedback.

Anyway, if your daughter is so unhappy about the smoke that she wants to come home, I think you should let her. And I think you should tell the grandparents matter-of-factly that she's simply physically uncomfortable due to all the smoke and since it's their house and their choice to smoke, you thought it best to come home.

If your daughter is feeling better now and she wants to stay, I think that this is a good experience for her too. I can't think of something better at teaching kids to NOT smoke than to reek for a week! In some ways, it's a good bigger life lesson; how to make yourself work with and love people who sometimes make terrible choices.

Stop kicking yourself. This is one blip in what will hopefully end up being a fun week. Do check with your daughter, though. Good luck.

My father and his wife smoked non stop for years. They lived far away so when we did see them, it was in our home so they never smoked here.

I like you had never thought about it, since no one we know smokes. We went to vist and their house reeked! They chain smoked, they had parties and everyone they knew smoked! We opened the tiny window in their guest room, but there was no hope.

Once we got home, our daughter was very ill, she ended up in the hospital for 4 days with Pneumonia! I was so mad at myself for not insisting wee stay at a hotel, once we realized how bad the smoking was, but it never occurred to me our daughter would become that ill! Our daughter had asthma and this had totally set off a chain reaction of illness.

I had to tell my father the truth once we told him about our daughter being in the hospital. It took a lot of self control, to really give it to him, but I just stated that we would never be able to visit them in their home again, because it was a matter of life and death for our daughter.

In your situation, you are your childs best advocate. You must tell them that the smoke is making her ill. She cannot be around, smoking, so they need to not smoke around her and consider allowing her to go home, if they are not able to honor this. A week is a long time to be tortured by the smoking.

I am sending you strength.

Unless she's allergic to it (rare... and if that was the case she'd be hospitalized by now), being around smoke for a week isn't going to hurt her. No more so than camping or bbq'ing every day for a few weeks. It will smell, her eyes may water a little... but people who experience FIRST hand smoke don't usually experience any longterm health problems for several years, and many, not for decades.

What it WILL do, since you said she's miserable, is cement the idea that smoking is gross and VASTLY improve her chances of never starting. After all... being stuck inside a house with chain smokers REALLY drives home the smell and the dirt sooooo much more than 4 highschool students out in the woods where most of the smell goes elsewhere.

I'm not sure what to say. My parents both smoked when I was growing up. I hated it, but not much I could do about it. I don't think a week will cause irrepairable harm unless your daughter has asthma or lung issues, but it is awful and uncomfortable. You should talk to your daughter and see what she wants to do. If she has her own room, that's an oasis, somewhat. Then you have to decide how you want things to be with your MIL and SFIL. You don't mention if Dad is in the picture, but if he is, then he has to be part of the decision because of the fallout for him.

Good luck!

A week won't give her long lasting effects but if it is making her sick as it would my son, go get her. I know it will be drama, but this is your kid. When I was young and went to Italy for the summers my cousins would pick us up from the airport and smoke with windows closed, because all Italians are afraid of catching draft, seriously(lol) and I would be sick as a dog. My dad smoked all my life but I was always outdoors. My son can barely tolerate it if someone is walking on the street. This reason is probably the same reason for your daughter, she isn't around it usually and now it is right in her face. To your in-laws they are ignorant. My co-workers 2 aunts both died of second hand smoke, the husbands were 2 packers, and the wives died. My GF has emphazema(sp) her hubs smokes. Go get your girl if she will be miserable.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Like you, I don't know if I would ever think someone would smoke around a child. It is inconceivable. Needless to say, what is the possibility of you actually traveling there to retrieve her? I know it sounds extreme, but it sounds like they are extreme. You may want to try a conversation first and if it goes as you expect, let them know you will come get her for her safety. Then go get her so she doesn't have to put up with it anymore. How horrible for her.

Good luck.

Second hand smoke is very dangerous to a person's health. I'm extremely sensitive. We recently had dinner at extended family's house and a cousin began smoking in the next room (all windows and doors were open), I excused myself and walked outside. Too late, I started coughing so hard I was vomitting in the bushes.

You should call your daughter and find out the entire situation. Keep in mind that in a smokers house the smoke is everywhere, in the furniture, in the air vents, etc. Ask if she can deal with it, if they don't smoke in front of her.

Then have hubby call his mother, and discuss the situation.

If it can't be resolved, then get her on the next plane home.

The bottom line is your daughter is miserable. Maybe you (or your husband-since it is his mother) could tell a little white lie to avoid the inevitable confrontation? Find a different excuse to get her home early (if the trip to the airport is an issue due to inconvience/prior plans maybe you could offer to pay them for a cab (although a two hour trip would be very expensive) and then avoid future out of town visits? Then, when they complain, just be very matter of fact in that it bothers her and she doesn't like it (forget citing the health pitfalls as you already know they don't care). I sympathize, my MIL is also of the opinion that second hand smoke doesn't hurt anyone, despite that fact that all of my nieces and nephews that have/had live/d with them fight asthma, bronchitis and pnuemonia, and respiritory issues on a daily basis. Her upside....she smokes outside and airs off before she comes back in and then washes her hands when she is at my house. She respects (even though she disagrees) my wishes and concerns and for her getting to see the kids is worth it. We do not take the kids to her house as she does smoke there and that is her perogative.

Your child is miserable and her health is at risk, despite grandpa's denial that it harms or is unpleasant for others. You and your daughter need to decide whether she wants (and you want her to) continue the visit, or get her a ticket home sooner. If this is what happens on these visits, you don't need a big confrontation, simply a statement that she will not be visiting again. It doesn't need to be an argument. You are the parent and get to make the decisions, and there is nothing that he can produce in terms of documentation that this secondhand smoke exposure is not harmful. Sadly, sometimes smoking grandparents get less time with the grandkids than non smoking grandparents. You can't demand that they not smoke when your daughter is riding in their car and visiting their home, it's their home, their decision, but you can decide not to allow your daughter to visit.

I feel for you!! My mom smoked five packs a day without any consideration for anyone. I used step outside every time she lit up. I did not allow my kids to be in the house when she had a smoke either. When she came to live with me and could not get to a store. I refused to buy them.......it was hell!! BUT she quit and is doing so well. Cold turkey is so hard but I was not having it in my house.
So the only advise besides going to get your daughter or having her sent home is tell her to go out side when they light up. Its an awful habit and they do not seem to care. I would call you mom and tell her your daughter needs to step outside before they light up because it bothers her breathing. Its making her sick so make sure she is outside when you both feel the need. I am sorry she is in this predicament. Now you know better next time. They can come see her where you have control on what goes on in your home.

I hear you....

My in-laws are chain smokers as well...

They smoke inside their house with the doors and windows shut and you can't open them because of the air conditioning or the heat....

Since they are not my parents I asked my husband to talk to them about it, but they wouldn't budge....it's their house blah, blah, blah....

We ended up spending most of our time there on sightseeing, shopping etc.....anything you can do away from their home...

Eventually they caught on and went outside to smoke.....

Didn't change the fact that the whole house reeked of the cold smoke, but at least we didn't have to inhale smoke anymore....(still had to wash all of our clothes even the clean ones when we got back)....

Good luck and I feel for you !!!!!!

I would have to look into the next available flight for my daughter to come back. There is no way I'd make her stay in a situation like that. I know how I feel when I'm around someone who smokes and I can get away from it. Think about how your daughter must feel. She's trapped in it. Even if she goes outside, it's in the house, the furniture, the paint, every single thing-that's called 3rd hand smoke along with the second hand smoke she's being forced to deal with.

From the way you describe the grandparents personalities, the smoking conversation will never go well with them so honestly what does it matter if you tick them off now and get your daughter out of the situation? It will be their loss in the end.

Call and talk to the grandmother since you did say that you think she cares a bit. If they won't take her to the airport do you have any other family/friends in the area that can?

Did you know this when she was sent out there for a visit?

If I knew in advance they were going to smoke this is hard to say but I would not have sent my kids there. I have a bit of asthma my kids have seasonal breathing issues.
I will talk to your husband and tell him you have to put your daughter first. Yo want your daughter to enjoy her visit but if they won't be a bit flexible why should she stay.
Is there another relative your daughter could sleep at until she returns home? Someone you trust?

I would call and let them know that while she's visiting -smoking is ONLY outside and not in the car! If they can't abide by that, then I would either have her sent home immediately or fly there and get her. Granted, many of us grew up visiting people (or living with them) where we were smoked around constantly, and we're all okay, BUT, if it's obviously bothering your daughter (which it is) and knowing what we all do -whether they want to admit it or not -it's beyond irresponsible for an adult to smoke inside or in a car around kids. Perhaps your spineless mother-in-law will stand up to her husband if she realizes there will be no more visits.

My dad was the same way as the step father. And when the smoke blew into the faces of my children and they would waive their hands to blow the smoke away he'd get mad.

I finally asked him if he really liked to smoke. He said emphatically said YES and he had the right to smoke. I told him when he smoked the residue of his pleasure went all over our food and clothes and hair and smelled bad. I told him I liked 7-Up and it gave me as much pleasure to drink 7-Up as he got from his cigarettes. The residue of my pleasure is urine and it smelled bad. Would he like me to get up on chair and piss all over him and his hair, clothes and his food? My brother looked at my dad and put his cigarette out and LOL, LOL, and LOL. My dad didn't put his cigarette out, but at least he looked up and blew his cigarette smoke into the air towards the ceiling.

For your daughter. When she combs her hair, she should save the hair and cut it up into short lengths. She should then put two or three hairs in every ashtray in the house. When the ciragette hits the hair it will smell terrible and the cirarette will also smell and taste horrible. I got a really long, thin sewing needle and put a hair through the hole and drew it through the cigarette. I only did one or two per pack. It didn't cause my dad to quit, but he thought about the hair every time he lit up. :-)

I'd had sinus trouble all my life. When I moved away to go to college my sinuses cleared up around Halloween. When I went home for Thanksgiving my sinus problems came back. When I left for college they had almost cleared up by Christmas, when I went home and they were back to bad all over again. It wasn't until I left to back to college after new years that I figured out that I was allergic to cigarette smoke. Now I know enough to avoid it and when I am around someone who smokes and I'm down wind I ask them to trade places with me. The always ask why and I tell them about my allergy to cigarette smoke and almost all the time they put it out.

FYI: During WW1 the Germans used poison gas as a weapon of war. Freon 12 burnt with an open flame or cigarette transforms into phosgene (sp?) gas, a noxious gas used by the Germans as a weapon. There used to be a room air-freshener that would smell like rotten eggs when burnt by cigarettes or candles or the gas flame on a stove. I don't know if it is manufactured any more.

Good luck to you and yours.

Get her a ticket home today! Call a taxi company to pick her up and pay for it in advance. You don't have do argue with these people. Just do it! The fact that they disrespect you and your daughter like this, then it really doesn't matter what they think. If they can disrespect you, you can in turn 'disrespect' them - even though that is not what you are doing, you are taking care of your baby. By doing this you will be sending a huge message - DON'T MESS WITH MY DAUGHTER'S HEALTH. It may take something like this to get them to understand where you are coming from.

You can also try calling them and discussing this but from what you have said that would not do any good. It's amazing how inconsiderate some smokers can be. Really, would it be that hard that they just don't smoke around your daughter, you are not asking them to stop smoking.

I agree you should get her home as soon as you can - try not to lie, but if you have to, I'd do it. Don't beat yourself up about it. Although smoking is terrible, she's only been there a short time.... Hang in there~