Smelly Gymnast--Did I Handle This Right?

I think you showed sensitivity and sadly, the mother didn't respond well by telling her daughter about the email. Her bad.

You did the right thing although I would have probably asked the boss first before contacting the parents in an official style email. I also think I would have not said anything specific to this mom when she asked but told her in a general way that they were working hard and starting to get to that age where deodorant was needed. Now you know she is a not skilled in telling her daughter how to take care of her body.

It might have devastated her to be told she smelled if done the wrong way and one never really knows how the subject is going to take a communication.

If it were me I probably would have just said something like "GIRL!!! You have been working HARD because you smell like a stinky boy".

Holy cow. This mother told her daughter. The way you handled it, was perfect . What kind of mother would do that to her daughter. Do not feel bad you did nothing wrong.

The girl's mom is an idiot.

Obviously she told her daughter that you, or the class, whomever, thinks she has BO.

Idiot mother.

I think you handled it well. You tried the mass email so as not to single out anyone. When that did not work, you approached the problem directly to what should have been a responsible adult. Yeah, the mom is not so responsible.

Ugh... leave it to an a-hole parent to rat you out to her daughter. What kind of idiot is she? She should've played it off as a general concern, something that she had noticed recently. Poor girl. And poor you. I give credit to anyone dealing with kids... because with kids comes dramatic, classless parents who don't know how to conduct themselves.

I think you handled it well but guessing from the texts, the mom of this girl did not.

Did you use your work e-mail to send the e-mail or is his/her daughter on the team as well?

At 10, yes, active kids need to use deodorant.

Did you handle it right? Yes, if you used your personal e-mail. NO if you used your work e-mail address.

You sent an e-mail out to the whole team and stated an opinion, which is a truth to you and several others.

The mom was wrong to tell her daughter that the team thinks she stinks. She should have just gone out and purchased deodorant, etc. and helped her daughter through this versus making a huge "stink" over it.

What would I have done? I would have sent the e-mail from my personal e-mail and then when the mom in question wrote back - I would have stated "all the girls need to use deodorant." And left it at that...if the mom of the daughter hadn't done anything about it, I probably would have purchased some small basket with body wash and deodorant and given them to each of the girls....

I wouldn't have been so forthright about it being HER daughter. I would have replied, "We have noticed an odor from some of the girls. Oftentimes parents are unable to detect the odor, as they may be used to their child's scent. However, we have noticed it and think it is necessary for the girls to wear deodorant and to bathe daily. We hope all the families will take our suggestions."

However, it seems clear that the mother went ahead and told her daughter that it was SHE who was the stinky one. That's not very cool. She could have been more tactful, saying something like, "You know, i think your coaches have a point, and we will start using deodorant. All the girls will be too." Poor girl that her mom didn't spare her feelings. I don't think your boss should be mad at you--the mom could have addressed it with her daughter in a much more general manner that wouldn't leave her daughter asking, "Do I stink?"

You did the girl a favor. I think your boss is thinking of his business. Two competing goals, sometimes.

I wish I could be brave and do what you did. I am not sure I would have!

You were very diplomatic.
It sure as heck is a whole lot better than coming out and saying to her face in public 'you stink - hit the showers - use some soap' - although way back when I was in high school (the 70's), there were a few coaches who did just that to some of the guys.

You (and your boss) have no control over what the girl DOES with the information.
Your boss should not be displacing onto you for it.
Maybe a team requirement might list 'use deodorant' as an official rule.
Anytime anyone can get sweaty, people can get smelly.
If a rule covers it for everyone - everyone knows what the expectations are.

If the mom was ok with it, then I wouldn't worry. But my concern is that the mom pointed it out directly to her daughter which is why the girl is texting everyone. (by the way - why does a 10 year old have a phone??) Anyway, the mother of the girl in question should've handled it without making it seem she was the ONLY one. Bad parenting decision on her part, but good coaching decision on yours. Your boss should back you up on this. My 10 year old has had body odor for 2 years. It's not a big deal.

Good luck!

I think I would have stuck to the general suggestion of deodorant and good hygiene at this age. It's sad that it got back to the girl like this but maybe the mom had reached the end of her rope and had to explain the necessity especially with gymnastics. You understand the situation because you have experienced this with your daughter recently so this girl is not alone.

You did exactly what needed to be done.. You handled it just fine.
Your boss is hiding his/her head in the sand..

Nothing worse than really bad preteen Body odor..

The girl is the idiot for telling everyone she is the stinky one. Not sure why the boss would be mad at anyone.. You did everyone a favor.

At 10, it's hard to know what I would have done. I have informed middle schoolers that deodorant might be a good idea, a few times, but I told them directly.

It's done. Just tell your boss sorry, that you thought it would be okay and did it as tactfully as possible, and you won't do it again.

Your intentions were good, and now maybe the girl will use deodorant if she needs it.

Is the mom mad? She seemed okay with it, so I don't know why your boss is mad.

No harm done, IMO.

I thinnk you handled it properly. I would contact the mother and ask that she stop her daughter from texting the other people on the team. Her behavior is not appropriate.

The only thing I'd have done is to include a blurb about washing their equipment and leo so they don't get smelly. It might be that this girl isn't smelly on her own, but her leo is not getting cleaned.

You did the right thing from start to finish. What does your boss expect at this point? That you turn back time?

Well, this was your choice to handle it this way, which was a good idea. It was this or speaking to her personally, which would'nt be good or speaking directly to her mom again, or not saying anything, these were the choices basically.

I understand your boss not liking it, did he understand the situation really? I doubt it and I doubt he cares, he thinking more about not wanting the trouble and protecting his job. But hey, these things happen, he's going to have to get over it and not blame you or make a bigger deal out of it than it is. What's done is done. You thought it should be handled and you handled it with the best of intensions, that's what he should be looking at and going from there. Would he like you to question him every time you run into something like this from now on? I think I might ask him this. Does he have a better way.

Here's the thing imho, (the girl is too young for a cp, but that's another subject) the mom said she'd take care of it, so why did she let her child know that you emailed in the first place. That's not taking care of it in any thoughtful, reasonable manner. What in the world did she tell the girl? All she had to do was pay more attention to her child's hygene and teach her in a kind and matter of fact way. If the kid had a problem with it, then tell her something like, 'ya don't wanta be stinky, skunky.' She had no business telling her that other people think she stinks or smells. That was unkind to her. Now the child is asking if others' think she smells, well she's asking to be very possibly told yes. That can't help her feel any better about herself. This is the mother's fault.

It's really too bad gentlehints.com isn't around anymore - it was perfect for situations like these. You could plug in someone's email address, and the site would send them an anonymous email, stating - in a very gentle fashion - what hygiene issue the individual had and the steps that person could take it correct it. If you put in an actual, physical address, the individual would receive a small sample of whatever product would benefit him/her. So not kidding about this .... big surprise it went out of business.

I can see being mad about that email. I think my response to the mom who didn't think deodorant was necessary would have been along the lines of, "I've been in the locker room with them - believe me, it's necessary."

I thought the general email was a good idea.... and the mom should NOT have made a big deal out of it to her daughter... obviously she did..... or the girl wouldn't be texting her friends...
and yes at TEN... kids do begin to have a smell..... In part, I think not only are the hormones coming about but it also depends on their diet.. Although at that age, my son did begin to sweat.. I think the smell would have been worse had he not been a HUGE water drinker.. up to a quart or more a day.

Nobody has brought up the fact the daughter could have access to the Moms emails? My 10 year old son can read mine. I sure hope this Mom didn't tell her daughter outright that the gym thinks she smells. Major Mom fail!
I think you handled the situation just fine and would ask the boss to put some kind of policy in place and/or ask how they would have preferred you to handle the problem.
I would want to know if my kid smells. Unfortunately, I can already smell him myself, LOL. Oy Vey!

sounds like you handled it sensitively and with no nonsense from start to finish.
your boss should sit down.
khairete
S.

I think sending out the general email was a good idea, however I would have consulted "the boss" before doing any of that. The gym is probably owned by the boss and he/she probably has a certain way they want things handled. Working as an instructor at a private gym is different than being a teacher at a school, where you have more freedom how you handle certain matters. I'd apologize to the boss (especially if you like and want to keep your job), explain that you thought you were helping the situation and that in the future you'll run matters like this across with him/her before acting on them.

Its the mom's fault for making it a big deal. She prob. pinned it on you and thats why the girl is texting her friends. You did the right thing---Just tell the boss that you handled it to avoid hurting feelings and did what you knew was right.

i wouldnt have sent another email directly to the mom when she replied saying it was her daughter. one email was enough. but you basically called the mom out when you personally messaged her and she made her daughter aware of it and now the child is uncomfortable.
however if i was your boss i would not be happy that you sent it out either because you are there to provide a service to a paying customer. you can not dictate their hygiene regiment. if its that bad you bring it to your boss and trust that they will handle it.

I don't think sending that specific email response was appropriate.
If you were going to do that, what was the point of the first mass email?

In response, I might have said something like "...at this age, hormones are wonky and the staff/director/coach has noticed that some of the gymnasts have had a body odor issue...yadda yadda.....thanks for your attention to this matter."

In my world, I've learned to skip the parents on anything they would take offense to about their child (which in most cases is just about everything). What you did wasn't wrong, but we / lots of us / think our little darlings are incapable of the following and usually take it as an afront on our parenting in the following areas:

smells, diry hair, pimples
nastiness
giving others dirty looks/a hard time/ physically pushing, shoving etc. (unless provoked of course)
intellect
energy (too much i.e. meant I fed them wrong, raised them wrong, etc)
lack of energy (insert -meant I fed them wrong, raised them wrong, etc)
foot smells, armpit smells, any smells

You were intellectually right and yet sadly (gosh I am included here) I hate/hated it when someone said things to me about my children (hence the above) and I was fully aware of what they were or were not capable of.

I'd just let some time pass and you really did her a favor. Otherwise the kids would have been making fun of her and that would have NASTEE.

This isn't your fault. The mom blew this. My daughter had the same complaint about a 10y/o in her class. I had to email the teacher and ask her to address the situation. She did her best but finally ended up moving the little girl's desk away from all the students but in a way that wouldn't make her feel isolated from the class. Very sensitive issue but something needed to be done.

I just wanted to let you know the same thing happened in my daughters school. They just sent a letter out to the entire 6 grade class stating that kids are in a lot of sports now and a whole thing about hygeine. Then they had a whole paragraph aout using deorderant, bathing, grooming, hair smelling, changing clothes, showering etc.
I think they were a bit over the top with somethings. But they had a little lashback from some parents as they were asking if it was their kid. And yes some of these parents told these kids that they thought they smelled had bad hygeine and told them they rec'd an email. Some parents just handle things the wrong way and speak to their children incorrectly. I felt bad for some of those kids cause now some walk around hiding out and self consious. Then you have other ones who say mean things about them. I agress with some of these posts the parents take this on themselves as some form of bad parenting or a reflection of themselves and then lash out. I know if my child stinks or needs to shave yes shave. I wouldn't want my child to go to any function smelling. I think a mass email that goes out to all the parents in a nice fashion just explaining the growing up process and suggestions are a great way to suttly tell everyone to check their kids. I don't think I would have sent the email directly to her telling her it was her daughter. I would have said it was a mass email about hygeine in general and the girls are getting older and playing hard in sports and need to re-visit it etc. But I wouldn't worry. We shouldn't take it offensively as we aren't trying to hurt anyones feelings by any means. It's the parents jobs to react to it in a sensitive matter. At this age girls are just coming into themselves, hormones are going and they will take things over the top if not said in the right manner by their parents. Don't worry.

It's a difficult situation -- I used to supervise graduate teaching assistants who would come to complain about one particular woman's body odor. She was from another country and didn't wear deodorant. They wanted me to talk to her, but when I talked to my department chair about it, they did not want me to. I was stuck in the middle of an untenable situation. The students were simply asked to make the best of it.

You were in a similar situation. I think you handled it with sensitivity and the mom blew it. It might have been best to consult your boss first, but what's done is done.