Smart Mouth and Disrespect

J., I can empathize with you as I went through the same thing; however, get a grip! You really sound stressed and you both are playing the blame game. First of all, please don't tell him he has a smart mouth, back talks, and blame and yell - none of that helps. He needs help. Get a dictionary for your house. You obviously have a computer so show him how to look up words. Take him to the library and calm down. He must be so worried about failing that he is reaching out to you for help in the wrong way. It doesn't make it right but you stop the cycle. Talk with him quietly. Talk with his teacher or guidance couselor. Something is wrong here. (I taught for many years and hopefully, he has a teacher that can help.) Have a meeting with him present and quietly ask how things are at school.) I wouldn't relay anything negative to the school in front of him and I would be careful what I told if the teacher isn't highly trained.)

With that said, give him some confidence that you want to help him get over this big bump in the road. Teach him that everyone has them and that he can win. You need to read The Bible and pray and ask God for His answers too. Showing compassion for your son and telling him that God loves him and so do you is the answer. Stop and pray with him and take this opportunity to show him that God will answer our prayers when we turn to him. Just think how much you love him and he really loves you more than anyone on the face of the earth. Help him!

Are you married?Does your husband treat you like this?..or..has he seen men treat women like this?Could he be picking it up from someone..say brother,uncle,family friend,his friends dads..any male even tv?

My other thought is something is going on at school and he is getting frustrated not knowing how to express himself about it.Acting out is the only way he knows how to get that frustration out.Are they getting ready for exams in school there?Maybe he is worried about not passing the grade??..talk to his teachers and school..see it they can give you any idea..good luck..
S. B

I agree with the person that suggested Love and Logic. (www.loveandlogic.com). Our son is almost 9, and we've had a lot of the same problems you described. I saw the Love and Logic suggestion last week in a response to another question, and I checked out the website. The main thing I've learned is NOT to argue or get wrapped up in a power struggle between you and your child. When an issue is not open for discussion, I simply reply "I love you too much to argue about it." The first time I said that, my son looked at me with a bewildered expression, turned around, and did what I asked him to do. I've had to repeat that phrase a couple of times when my son continued to argue. Once I repeated the phrase twice, he realized that there would be no argument and that I meant what I said. There are so many good suggestions on that website -- please check out the articles! From one Mom to another, I wish you the best, and I'll keep your family in my prayers...

Something may be going on at school or elsewhere, but I think it is most likely just his age. This is the age when hormones are starting to kick in, they're approaching the tween years and much like a toddler - it's time to test the boundaries. You know deep down he is a good kid, so it may be time for a soft heart to heart. Let him know it hurts you (forget the anger for now) and disappoints you. Ask him if there is something or someone bothering him. Most kids do not want to disappoint their parents. All humans crave positive attention. I think if you focus on his feelings and how his choice of expressing those is hurting you then you might see a change. Is he acting this way at his father's house? That may give you some answers too. Good luck.

Sounds like he is screaming for attention. Is there anything else going on that may make him inclined to feel extra needy? Try spending some special time with just him -- instead of "date night" with your significant other, schedule one with your son. Go for ice cream, take a walk, whatever is comfortable for both of you. But make sure it's just the two of you. This may ease the tension and persuade him to open up a bit. If it works well, make the special time a regular part of your week. Best of luck!

Easier said than done, but when he is blowing up try to work on the problem and not the person. Help him identify his feelings... "Wow, you are mad!" and let him vent. By exploding back (which is what is natural) is showing him to blow up at problems. When things are settled, try to explain to him that you understand he's upset but that he needs to work on not blaming (or whatever) and that you know he's a good kid and can do it, even when he's mad. Good luck! My oldest is 11 and has ADHD and can be very impulsive! I have a lot of experience and certainly have had my successes and failures!

J., you've got to get to the root of the matter. This isn't just about disrespect and mouthing. Something is going on w/in his little heart. There are ways to help curve the behavior. I highly suggest 1,2,3 Magic. You and all the family are going to have to be firm, tough, and NOT give in. When he chooses to make an outburst. You stay calm (not saying that it's easy), and make him realize that his behavior is HIS choice. Eventually, the root of the matter will come out. I've seen this happen many times. Hang in there. Get his teachers on board and all the family, If everyone is on the same page, he'll realize that he cannot get away with such behavior. Hang in there! ~rlw

Any major changes lately? Divorce, move, etc? I would also check with school. Something might be going on at school and he is lashing out at you. Maybe he is being bullied or something. Is he in any sports? Martial Arts might be good for his anger managememt. also see how his friends behave, he might be learning this from them!
After you check the above, I would then sit him down and have a talk! Tell him he is 9 years old not 2 and temper tantrums will not be tolerated anymore. He needs to learn to talk to you nicely, Yes maam, no maam, please and thank you. Rudeness gets you nothing in life but a hard time and a bad name. You will no longer listen to him when he speaks meanly to you. Wait till he speaks nicely then respond. I would also tell him going behind your back to get something from someone else is something a toddler would do and he will start being punished for it. Time out, loosing privlages, grounding, etc. Remember what ever punishment you come up with you HAVE TO STICK WITH! I go for the jugular to get their attention! No play day, no sleep over at grandmas etc. Sorry he is putting you through this!

I haven't been a parent to children this age, but I've taught them,and I think it's probably a phase. However, phase or not, it still deserves punishment. I believe tough love is the way to go. I would seriously give him a consequence for each and every single time he is disrespectful, doesn't follow your rules, goes behind your back, or raises his voice...period. It might seem cumbersome at first and/or impossible to punish every act, but if you do, I think you'll see a change quickly. One thing to watch for...choose the punishment wisely. Make sure you're taking away something that is important to him. If you're taking away his time by grounding him, make sure you're not taking away too much time. Children this age don't seem to be affected when a parent grounds them for weeks or months at a time, because at their age they can't see the light at the end of the tunnel....a month is a VERY long time to them, so if they think they're grounded that long they just give up.

Good luck!!

Well if it isn't a smartalic gene and you have blistered his behind till he can't sit down, then you might have one with some kind of anger disorder on your hands. I would talk to my pediatrician who may or may not, depends on the observations and information, may refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrists. I do know kids that are smartalic but their mom had screwed up and married the devil as I did and there wasn't anything that medication could do... he was just like his dad, (buttholeism). Without knowing more info, I would say talk to the pediatrician.
Good luck. I hope someone here gives you some good advice that you can use. I know it is painful and frustrating.

First of all you need to analyze why this is happening. Is your son a product of a broken home? You did not give us any background. If your child is disrespectful it might be because of the family situation. Since I don't know that situation, I can tell you from experience that 9 years old is too young for this kind of behavior. He need to be disciplined for his actions. You cannot tell him every little thing to do he has to learn. As for the curling iron, he is old enought to unplug it and not get burned. He probably acted out because he failed at the task and it hurt. As for the homework, he is capable of opening the book and spelling the word. You need to talk to your mother and tell her to let him do things on his own. He seems to be using her as a crutch to get back at you. Remember you are the mother; he is the child. He needs to realize he is 9 and not 3. Good luck and I hope this helps.

Are respect and manners something that has been taught from the beginning and he now doesn't use them, or has he been petted a lot and not taught these things? I don't have a lot of information to go by, so that's why I ask. It's not too late. It's time to to set some ground rules and punishments for disrespect and not using manners. It's going to be hard and exhausting sometimes, but it's worth it. If he'll act this way toward you, you can bet he's going to act that way everywhere else sooner or later, and I can tell you as a former teacher, it won't be accepted and will cause much trouble not only in school, but even something as simple as spending the night at a friends house. Most parents don't care to be around a child who is disrespectful and rude. If you need help figuring out what needs to be done, ask a school counselor or a child psychologist, but do something now before he gets older. Even if you 2 have been through something detrimental like a divorce or death, disrespect should not be tolerated. Please get help for him, and for yourself, if needed. I wish for you blessings and the best of luck!

Jaime,
I have a 9 and a 8 year old to raise and I understand what your going through. Theres no real formula on how to get our kids to respond to us but you may try talking to his teacher to see if he or she may be experincing some of the same outburst. Then lastly let his perdatrician know what your concerns are. They have the expertise to spot certain character traits to rule out any possible struggles he may be fighting against.
Hope it helps!

I'm in the same boat - the best parenting tool we've come across in the past year is Love and Logic by Jim Faye - AWESOME book. Teaches you how to put the accountability back on the child.

J.:

Don't put up with it. He is not too old to begin correcting what is wrong. If he refuses to say thank you and please, don't do what he is requesting. Sounds like you need to use punishment of some type if you do not believe in spankings; but I happen to be from the old school and I do believe in them. It's going to be harder now that he is older, but you can still break these bad habits. You will have to be firm and stern to get you point across. Don't give in. I know it will hurt you to have to do it, but this is a necessity. Do not allow him to blame others for his wrongs. He needs to face up to and admit when he is wrong. (It will make life a lot easier when he grows up).
Giving him responsibilities will also help him to mature properly and more quickly. Do not allow him to disrespect you or others. As a parent, you have a responsibility to train him up in the way he should go. That is the way we prepare them for their future and ours (SMILE!!)
You can turn this situation around, but you must be firm and do not give in to his tantrums or his tears.
I will be praying for your success!!! Just remember that you can do all things through Christ who gives you your strength.
D.Cash

Well my sister calls me mean. I have always done the same thing mean or not. My son is 14 years old now but still remembers this and doesn't like it. Whenever he would have a smart mouth I flicked him on the mouth with my finger. Just one time hard enough for him to realize that is what is getting him into trouble. If his mouth is the problem then a spankin on the bottom just doesn't work. My son has never been spanked, but he has been flicked more than once. I never really thought it to be mean, I really don't even think it hurt but the shock of it being done was enough to get him to watch his mouth and not speak to me that way. If nothing else my son will respect me. You could try a time out. I did that to. Made him sit on a chair in the corner or face the wall. I have always done it even when he was little. I will tell you he does remember and it really doesn't have the same affect now but it is embarrasing for me to do it in front of his friends. Good luck God bless

Hey, J.! I have a 10 year old daughter, 8 & 4 year old sons. My daughter has the biggest mouth this side of the world! She will disrespect me in a minute and doesn't think twice. Bad thing is that she sounds just like me! LOL!! I have read a ton of books my John Rosemond! Get them and read them. He has one called Teen Proofing. John recommends that when he is disrespectful or yells at you, don't yell back -- keep your voice calm and cool and tell him he will spend one full day in his room. If he continues, he gets another and then another and then another. Remove the electronics from his room. From the time he gets up until dinner (his home hours), he is to spend the day in his room. No extra curricular activities -- no organized baseball, soccer, etc. Homework is to be done in there also, no help from you! He may only leave the room with your permission to use the bathroom. Once he has eaten dinner, he may take his bath and go straight to bed. If you eat at 4:30, he goes to bed. I only had to do this one time! If it doesn't work the first time, you take everything away from them. We only need to give them a bed, some covers and some clothes. Remove his room of everything else!! I didn't need to remove all the stuff from her room except the electronics. This even worked with the 8 year old. I met John Rosemond and told him that I couldn't get my kids to listen to me and he looked me straight in the eyes and said this will work if you will trust me and do it and be consistent and not yell. If I could look you in the eyes, J., I would say the same thing. I tried all those "love" books and nothing worked. This is parenting the way our grandmothers and great-grandmothers did it and it worked for them. Remember that we are raising future adults and the way they treat people now, will determine how they treat them as adults. Besides, once your son reaches the teenage years, it will be more difficult to control him and he will get bigger than you. Trust me, J.! This will work if you stick with it. All I need to do now, is say, "Would you like to spend the day in your room?" and my kids straighten up quick! Good Luck!

J.,
i have been through the same thing. my son is 10 about to be 11 in a week. i hope it is the same for you as it was for me... just another phase that they go through. is anyone picking on him at school? if so that my make him take out his anger and frustration on you. my son still has his days but no where near what they used to be.he is really a great kid and to see him now you would not think that i was talking about the same kid. now if i'm having a bad day or not feeling well he is the first one by my side to ask what can he do to help. the only thing that i could do was take thing awayway from him that he really cared about like riding his bike, video games or tv whatever works. just reassure him that you love him and let him know how it makes you fell when he acts that way. now i have a 5 year old little girl and it is starting even earlier with her. best of luck to you and your son.
R.

I went thru the same situation when my son was 9 years old. He would embarrassed me in front of the people and one day I received a call from the teacher telling me that he had gone off on her. I went to a family research center. There was this psychologist that he met and we went for about 5 times and that was all. We started going to church and I talked to the pastor and leaders of the church about his temper problems and they helped me out a lot. They got him to where he was working with other children that were his age and it took some time for him to get back to the child I had. if your child is calling somebody else that means that he is not getting what he needs from you. You need to show him that you love him regardless of what he does and that you're hurt because of his actions. You need to tell him that you're his best friend and that he can always count on you. Now is the time for you to do so before it's too late. Give him the time that he needs in anything that has to do with his homework and start praising him for anything good that he does. My son was very good in drawing and I always told him that he would be a great artist because he was so talented. You might want to start taking him to Church or places where there are children of his own age. I hope it helps you. God Bless. CB.

Hi J.,

I have an 8-yr. old daughter and we struggle with the same issues. When I was reading the back and forth between you and your son I was thinking that you could be describing my daughter. It seems like this is a new behavior with your son. I agree with the others who say maybe something is going on at home or school that has him stressed. Unfortunately with my daughter, this has been going on really since she learned how to speak in sentences at about 2 1/2. We are now looking to get some professional help and we should've done it 2 years ago at least. I was hoping it was a phase. We are now thinking it might be Oppositional Defiant Disorder, though I hate the word "disorder." We are not looking to excuse her behavior by any means, but many of the characteristics of this disorder fit her personality to a T. We are looking for strategies to deal with the outbursts and disrespect. Thanks to the person who suggested the love and logic website. I'll check it out.
I will say that not engaging in an argument has helped as has not yelling or letting things escalate (very hard, I know, when you are being spoken to in a disrespectful way). I have also found that trying to get support or suggestions from parents who have compliant children is frustrating. I usually end up hearing "My child would never do that to me," "I wouldn't put up with it" or "If my child ever did that I'd ...." These responses are not helpful and make you feel as if you are to blame for your child's outbursts. I have one friend that I no longer discuss my daughter with b/c she just cannot fathom what's it's like to live with such a child. If you haven't been there, it's easy to think you have all the answers.
Good Luck!

It sounds like your son is going through a tough time and the two of you have gotten into a bad cycle. It is a hard call about what to do, but I think that I would loosen up on the small stuff like talking back and such as much as possible and work on relationship building. Enjoying each other's company and doing things that you both like to do together. In the past when my son and I have been having a rough time together, this seems to really help our relationship and his behavior gets better when our relationship gets better. I am no expert on the subject, but this is my 2 cents.