Sleepover Help???

A.,
I always stopped in for a visit with the parents when dropping off my daughter... and I always asked "are there any guns?" and when there were (because this IS Texas) I was usually shown the gun safe and assured that they were secured at all times. No parent ever flinched when I asked... in fact one was very happy I asked because her husband is a DEA agent and had them and she said she always asked other people for the same reasons I did but I was the first to ask her, and it made her feel better. If movies were being show, I'd always ask (G or PG?) anything else and I'd be glad to bring my kid after the movie, so as not to bother the others.

As far as everything else... you have to educate your child. Once when I picked up my son (at age 12) the parents told me they were going to show Mission Impossible but my son informed them that it was out of his rating range, so they didn't show it. I was so proud of my son!

Another indicator is what are the sibling ages in the house? Older siblings create issues. What are they going to be watching cuz you know for certain that the younger ones are going to crash in on older ones.

One of my daughters friends comes from a lesbian household. Now that was hard for me. But I explained to my DD when she was 8 the very basics of what this meant and that though so and so's mom was very nice, I did not approve of her choice. At age 8 I compared it to smoking... it's not illegal, our church says it is wrong, and you are not allowed to do it. And then I spoke to the mom... THAT was really hard for me but I told her how I'd explained it to my DD and I wanted to know about displays of affection while my DD was sleeping over. The Mom assured me there would be none. That was almost 8 years ago and the girls are still good friends and I get along well with the Mom (who I pray for and who asks me for advice on how permissible she should be on clothing etc with her own DD, who is a sweetheart!).

It gets better as they get older, because they have fewer friends and you get to know them better, so don't worry, ask your questions, and good luck!

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A.,

I think you've gotten some great responses, and I think your concerns (as well as your guidelines) are valid. A very good friend of mine has a niece who spent the night with a friend from church. The friend's father was a deacon in the church. The night "C" spent at the home, this man came out into their presence in the nude. That was over 20 years ago. In my own experience, I had one uncle who could not be trusted to be alone with us. Out of all my friends, many of them have experienced some level of sexual molestation - from a brother, a family friend, a pastor, and on and on. It is much more prevelant than our society admits. These friends' experiences were over 30 years ago! It has to be much worse now, with pornography such an issue on the internet. And it is happening in homes where the mom has no clue. As a former school counselor, I can tell you that most, or at least many, boys have been exposed to (some already addicted to) internet pornography at an early age. This warps their sense of right and wrong, and their ability to tell what is normal. I know a Christian homeschooling family whose son molested some younger family members, because of his exposure to internet porn. I don't mean to overwhelm you with this side of the coin, but it is just too insidious to be ignored! Because of this, I think sleepovers should be avoided with all but the closest of friends (those you are extremely familiar and comfortable with). If there are older boys in the home - I would say don't do it, regardless of how well you know those boys. It only takes one time, and it only takes a small act, to really devestate a girl and mess her up for a long time. I love the idea of going to the party, getting into PJ's, and then coming home around 11 p.m. After all, what's really going to happen after that point? That's when things can really degenerate...And yes (looking back at your post), even the movies some kids watch are just amazing! I have 3 and 6 year old girls, and we're in a great neighborhood with wonderful people (who all look and act respectable, just like us - tee hee), and yet there is quite a variety of acceptance in what is allowed to be seen and said!) by their kids. Hasn't been a big deal yet, but I know it will get bigger as the kids all get older. No, we can't isolate our children, but we can and should insulate them. The argument that they will be exposed to it at some point anyway just doesn't make sense to me. Why would we be willing participants in exposing our children to things they may not be ready to handle emotionally or spiritually? BTW, I've just begun reading a great book called, "Grace Based Parenting," that is helping me to better define the line between being overprotective and being appropriately protective. It's a fine line, for sure! And it will be different for different families, of course. But I commend you and encourage you to stay as concerned and protective as you are with your children. Done in the right spirit, it will give your kids the support they need to navigate the larger world out there.

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I respect your values for your family but if I read all those rules and regulations, I would opt out having your daughter over. We are a respectable family with good values but I would be too afraid of breaking one of your rules somehow, even unknowingly.

My 13 yr old has sleepovers, mostly at our house because the girls love to come here. I supervise but I don't control or smother them. I know she will be exposed to things I am not crazy about but I have taught her to make good choices.

I apologize if this is offensive. I do not intend it that way.

Susan

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Don't really have any advice. I am a 48 year old grandmother of 6. I worry about these very same issues for my grandchildren all the time and I only have one that is in school. It used to be so easy. Communities were small and they usually centered around your church life. I do, however, commend you on taking your responsibility seriously!! Your kids will thank you some day that you loved them enough to know who their friends were and what they were doing. My children are grown but I very seldom let them go to others homes they could always have company. They didn't like not getting to go often but I always knew they were safe. That piece of mind was enough for me to stick to my guns.
God Bless and I know He'll guide you.

Sorry, I don't have much time to answer...my parents were the same as you and I truly appreciate it. I think it made me the great wife and mother my husband says I am and I hope our first child who is 3 months old thinks I am.

To the point, I was never allowed to stay the night at my friends homes, they stayed at mine, or for Girl Scout events my mom went too.

Best of luck!

Simply ask for their phone number and call them and talk to them. Most parents respect this. If they don't, then you may not want to let her to go to their house anyway.

I had the same issue with my daughter.

We have a no sleepover policy because our values are similar to yours. There is no reason to have sleepovers. Yes they are "the thing" to do but believe me keeping our children is safe is number 1 - doing the popular thing is not!
Siblings are an issue, guns, drinking, morality, it only takes one moment for our children's lives to be altered forever. Stick to your decision and trust your gut.
Good Luck!

You need to lighten up! I too, was in your frame of mind.
First of all, if you do not want your child to experience the bad parts of the world keep her home.
But I see you want to let her experience these things only if you can supervise her while she is doing these other things. Doesn't make sense.
Teach her what is not to your liking and then give her instruction on how to behave when she is out. Rely on her to make the good choice. If you feel she is to young to do that then it is not time to send her out just yet.
You cannot change the world. Others will try to change you and yours.
Your children will not grow up with all of your values. Most of your values but not all.
What is wrong with other kids alway coming to your house? That way your daughter is always protected.
Remember this is not a permanent situation. All things change, In 6 months your veiw of her maturity will change. That is what happens when your child grows up, little by little you feel comfortable with letting them venture out to experience new things. Just wait until you are more comfortable and you find others with thinking like your own. This will give you more time to instill in her your values.
You do not need to be the perfect super Mom. It just wears you out and in time They resent you for every short coming, because they expect perfection from you.
Children need to learn that everything is not perfect and they need to cope with different ways of thinking about things. Just because someone thinks of thing in a different way does not mean they are wrong. It is just different. Follow your heart and not what someone or some unrealistic standard set for you by yourself or someone else.
Raising children is difficult, don't make it harder than it need to be.

This is a tough issue. After some discussion and seeking Godly advise, my husband and I decided that our daughter won't go to any sleepovers. It is easier if we just omit the possibility rather than interview all the families to pick which ones she can stay with. She can have kids over here, though. You know, it's just not worth it. You have no idea what really goes on in other people's homes. Step-parents, older siblings, outside friends, anyone can come in contact with your child. (And, sad to say, often our own relatives are to blame for abusive situations). I just can't take the chance that something could happen. It would only take one time of viewing something on the TV, or internet, or hearing something. Just once and it's etched in their minds forever. You can never really know what goes on behind closed doors, no matter how well you know someone. If my daughter is invited to a slumber party, she can go, and we pick her up late in the evening, like 10-10:30pm. I would also encourage you to pray that God will give you insight and direction in advance to be able to protect your daughter from possible situations. He gave us an intuition, don't be afraid to follow it!

Hi A....don't EVER feel weird about protecting your little girl...that's the most important thing. I'm right there with you about all the things you listed, and it's sad that they can't play in the front yard unattended...but it's a dangerous world and you have to be careful.

My daughter always invited the girls to our house...she always wanted to sleep in her own bed, or build a big tent in the living room. She wasn't allowed to go to other houses unless I knew what kind of parents were there. My daughter had the same friends all through elementary school...still does...and I made sure I got to know the parents. Either through school functions or after-school things like sports and birthday parties. That's a good way to find out about the parents...instead of dropping her off at a birthday party, stay and talk and get to know some of the other parents of the kids who were invited. If she plays sports, sit with some of the other parents on the team and chat with them a little. Go with your gut and use your best judgement and instincts...if it bothers you IN ANY WAY, then say no until she's older.

My daughter plays soccer, and percussion in her school band and I know all the parents...but it takes a while...pick out two or three of the girls she likes to play with the most...and make an effort to get to know those families. You might make some new friends as well, that's what happened with my husband and I! When the weather gets warmer, invite them over for a bar-b-que, or go to the park and have a cook-out or picnic...invite two or three of her little girlfriends and their families...everyone brings something...and let them know that you want to get to know them if the girls are going to be best friends...simple as that...be up front & honest...they'll probably appreciate you looking after your child so well, and it'll probably make them feel better about their daughters coming over to your house. If they hesitate, that would be a signal to me that there's something to worry about.

My son has a best friend who sleeps over at our house all the time because my son is not allowed to go to his house because everyone in the house smokes like trains! I just explained that my son can't be around all that smoke.

Stick to your guns...it's not easy keeping our children safe!

Hope this helps...good luck!

S.

Good luck

With a day care and other children too, this suggestion may be hard, but if you could get acquainted with other mothers on a friendly basis, before a sleepover was ask you may be able to tell if it is a home you feel safe about. Is there a way you could ask some of her friends moms over for (coffee) get aquaianted time, and not mention the sleepover? Mom's need to have a time to get together anyway once in awhile.

While I'm not quite as strict with the house rules as you, I agree with 99% ! I also don't think you are being unreasonable about the sleepover issue, especially with a 7 year old girl. I have an almost 5 yr. old and know this will be coming one day. With all of the influence now in homes (cable and even regular tv, internet, etc). I will have to know the parents in order for my child to sleepover. I would set up some sort of weekend or afterschool playdate or two with the child and parent/s. That way you will get a sense if they have similar family values. Also you can find out who all is in the home, etc. Try to stop worrying about what the other parents think. If they think you are overprotective or silly for parenting this way then that is their problem. They probably are folks you would be comfortable sending your kids to for a night anyway. I would say to be careful too about teaching her how to not be preachy to others for they way they do things in there homes. While tact takes time, experience and maturity to master, she should also be confident that there is nothing wrong with her own family values. When your daughter is older, I think it will be easier to depend on her to know right and wrong, to know what to do in tough situations, etc. For now, I think you are perfectly right and responsible in being very choosy who she spends the night with. Good luck on finding a way to successfully find out about the other kids families. It is not a task I'm looking forward to myself.

You have every right to be concerned. I let my son spend a lot of time with neighbors and it backfired years later. They became gang members. My son is 32 and lives on the streets with girls and drugs. He is a totally mixed up kid. A. was a child that 10 years ago was missing from her grandma's yard never to be seen again. children especially that young need to be in backyards that are fensed and parents monitoring. They do not have to be right there but checking in all the time. Movies, language, morals all effect our children and the safety of them. You have every right to talk to the parents. But I will tell you that parents lie. I had my daughter kissing me one minute and a recorded phone call showed her telling her friends she was being abused. Those parents hid her and got her to her father in Seattle from La. Her live became streets living with whoever until she got her act together. That was 13 years ago. She now grew up and has a good job. But I lost my years that were taken from me because of a step mom who encouraged my children to leave us and go there. Once they were there they were not happy. Soon walked and lived in the streets. I had a parent tell me that she was involved in the Dare program and a nurse and whatever. I believe she took our girls to the French Quarter on the week end. Allowing them to drink. They were suppose to go to the river where lighting for Christmas was taking place. I can never prove it but I know she was one who hid my daughter and got her dad to wire money for a plane. My son was given a ticket for a bus. He lost all he had because he put it under his seat and the kid next to him sole it. Over and over parents lie. I also heard young girls upset they were not pg with boyfriends. These kids were so poor they could not afford a baby ever. The girls were from middle class where a dad was an attorney. When I tried to tell parents the situations they did not believe me and were in denial. So I would rather avoid those situations then get into it later with parents. If you want the kids to be safe have them at your house as much as you can. I would let my daughter go with a promise that next time they would come to our house and they never did. Because they could sneak out at the other parents homes. I warned them and they assured me that the kids could not do that at their homes but they did.
These were situations as teens but it starts with controlling them now early on. There are so many preditors that you could not believe it. It came real close in my home with a father who molested his daughter. So they are in every neighborhood.
Go to http://records.txdps.state.tx.us
G. W

A.,
I have actually come out and asked people if they had any guns in their home and if they said yes I asked if they were locked up. I asked what pets were in the home and other questions too. Then I've asked to have a tour of the house. If any parent has a problem with these questions then that is a huge red flag and my daughter won't be spending time in their home!

It usually works out though that I get to know the parents and family of my girls friends and that trust is built up over time - way before the sleepover.

If your not sure - just say no and have the friend sleep at your house. I've done this plenty of times! If it hurts the parents feelings - oh well!! Who cares about being PC when it comes to the safety and well being of your child. Anyone who doesn't understand that is not the right people to be hanging out with in the first place.

In this day and age isn't it better to be safe than sorry??

E.
PS - when my girls have friends over I always ask the parents if we can ride the go cart and what movies we can watch etc... And we are always outside playing and supervising the kids etc... and we call the parents to check in etc....

A., you are so right to be concerned these days. I was head room-mother and one the helpers wanted my daughter to
go home with them to visit for the afternoon. (lst Grade)
I felt uncomfortable and graciously declined. A few weeks
later, she confided in me that her 15 yr. old step son was
home after being in juvenile detention for 15 mos. Her daughter was acting "funny" and she found out when she would
make routine runs to the groc. store, she was being sexually
molested by him. I have been a childcare provider for 18 yrs.
and know 1st hand about 'visitors' that may come in contact w/
your daughter; uncle, cousins, neighbor, even the other child's dad. We are informed in training classes things that
can happen. Then there's pets you have to be concerned about.
I trusted a neighbor and let my daughter visit. When she returned and told me what the dad was watching on TV, I confronted the mom and her reply was 'she keeps telling her
husband not to watch R rated movies when the girls are in the
den.' Also, at a neighbors house, (very nice little girl and
mom) The family was of a foregn country and had grandmother
living with them and their customs were different. They wouldn't share their candy and was TOLD by Grandma they couldn't give my daughter any. Then at dinner, the grandma
started talking in her native language and my daughter could
tell she was upset and ask her friend what was wrong. She told her she got mad because she took a 2nd piece of meat.
Solution? I had her friends over to MY house. Most parents were glad to have the opportunity to have a Sat. afternoon or all night to themselves and my daughter had a playmate which actually gave me and my husband an enjoyable evening together
also and the piece of mind that my little girl was safe and
sound in the next room enjoying playing with her friend.

Hope this if helpful,
P. S

WHEW! Well first,you can't control the outside world. And yet,you can't keep your child by your side 24/7. My advice would be to have a phone conversation,without them feeling they are being interrogated,with the would be host/hostess. Most times you can get a vibe just by talking to them for a short while. I would simply ask what their plans are for the evening that your child will be with them. And make sure they know you may be calling to check in with your child. And while I agree with you on the safety issues,guns etc. You can't shelter your children from everything. They won't be emotionally scarred from seeing another adult have a glass of wine with dinner! Instead I would use that as a learning experience. Like,not all people choose to forbid alcohol in their home. That doesn't mean they are "bad" people. Hope this helps some. Good Luck.

Ahhh...you are making perfect sense, A..

And I am in a bit of disagreement with a few of the other posts where they just don't do sleep overs. I have one daughter who is 18 and her best friend from second grade has been dealing with self-esteem issue, which can mostly be attributed (IN HER CASE ONLY DO I SPEAK) to how "strict" her father's rules were about sleeping anywhere other than their immediate family. Her father was abused by an uncle as a child and therefore he was truly trying to protect his daughter. What he ended up teaching her is that he didn't trust her ability to behave, stand up for herself, and further influenced her belief that she just didn't fit in with all of the other girls. Now, I know this is an extreme example but my point is to point out unintended consequences, and I believe when a child is restricted from participating in what our society considers a norm, unintended consequences will follow in some shape or form in their life.

Furthermore, I also believe you are spot on in meeting the parents, discussing your wishes regarding movies, television programs, music, ect. I think, as we teach our children, honest is the best policy!! Be up front,(and what a great way to reinforce to your daughter how important it is to be honest) explain the parents how you want your daughter to attend, but (insert humor) I am just one of those parents who needs to know the people who will be caring for my child. Someone suggested a playdate...and I thought that was great, why not meet for a picnic lunch at a park? I also agree that older siblings CAN be a red flag, but not always, in some cases a "good" older sibling can be a great role model for the younger kids. I believe that the biggest red flag will be that of a parent who doesn't appreciate your candor or your position, and in there lies the answer to the decision of that particular sleep over!

Finally, I would suggest resolve yourself that at some point while with her peers, be it at a sleep over or else where, she will be exposed to something that isn't acceptable by your own family standards. Use those opportunities for discussions which helps her understand why they aren't acceptable, find out her thoughts and emotions. Gently guide her through the process, which will help her understand why her values are what they are and why they work for her. She will be a stronger and better person in the long run for it. It also gives opportunity to discuss differences as simply that - differences. Your friend and her family are wonderful people, but while they think that (x,y,z) is acceptable - they may have something which is off limits that our family has no issues. Neither makes us or them better or worse, just different.

Best wishes!

It's nice to know that parents still worry very much about their childrens welfare! You're the mom and of course you want to ensure that your children are in an acceptable environment, or at least one that meshes with your own! I went through this with my girls and I was known as the "worrier" and I didn't care. They were my babies and I had no problem being extremely cautious - I practically interviewed parents of their friends who I didn't know! I know it would be difficult for you but I was in a similar situation and worked it out. Any new friends our girls made were invited to our home to play until I became familiar with child and parents and their habits. Once I felt comfortable I would allow them to go to the homes of people I felt really comfortable with - if I never felt it, the friend was just invited back. Anyway, there are no "do overs" with our children. I've also experienced even older children - pre-teens who had no problem saying "I'm not allowed to watch any movies not PG" or whatever the family rules were and respected that, as parents we should ask the friends and hope our children are given the same courtesy. I guess I'm trying to say - Don't be nervous about expressing your desires or rules for your children, if you start young it will be easier to deal with pre-teen and teen rules, they'll be used to it by then.

You may have to lighten up on the rules just a little. Everyone raises their families different- and your daughter is going to be exposed to that sooner or later. The things that you said do not go on in your house- do sometimes go on in mine, but my children are well cared for, safe and in a loving home. My children dont watch R movies, but my husbad and I sometimes do and we also have an occasional drink. My daughter has friends over all the time and I have never had problems with any moms. Can you pick one or 2 things that are "must have rules" and discuss those with the parents? Like- she is not allowed out front w/out supervision. And if you are worried about movies- take her to the movie store before she goes and just tell the mom that you brought a movie for the girls to watch. My DD takes movies to friends all the time. Im afraid if you go with a strict set of rules the parents may be a little apprehensive about having your DD over, because they too will be afraid of breaking the rules. Go over and visit a few days before and just see whats going on while you are there. If you are totally uncomfortable, cancel the date. But be prepared to explain to your DD why she is not allowed at anyones house. Good luck to you and I hope I have helped a little. I know its tough letting the little ones grow up.

I applaud your desire to protect your daughter's innocence- to GIVE her a childhood! You cannot worry if you end up offending another family, as your child is your responsibility
and you are the only one who can truly PROTECT her. She still needs your protection. Gradually you PREPARE her for
what the world has to offer. You might say, our family believes God's name is holy. Not all families do. When you hear God's name used casually, pray that He will reveal Himself to this friend or family, so they will realize how wonderful He is too, and will not want to use His name in a casual way. I know you are going against the grain of our society, but stay strong now, because the challenges will be greater as she is exposed to the crudeness and crassness of
the world more and more. Just reading the magazine covers in the grocery check out line gives your children an education
on the ills of society. I think you can say to the parents,
"We are so excited Susie is invited to spend the night. She really likes your daughter. We are pretty strict and I always
like to meet the family before she goes anywhere. We have some
rules that everyone might not agree with, but we feel strongly about them. Will you please share with me what
activities you have planned? What movies are you comfortable with your child watching? We understand that some people
drink, and don't have an alcohol problem, but we feel better
if no alcohol is consumed when our daughter is in someone else's care". Something like that. Another option is to
let your daughter go for part of the evening, but not spend the night. Lots of families have this rule - we spend the night in our own bed. Anyway, I feel strongly that we protect our children when they are young and as they mature and are better able to handle conflict, prepare them for
defending their beliefs. Hope that helps a little bit.

My daughter is also in 2nd grade, and we only allow her to spend the night with people that we know. If we do not know the parents, we have the girl spend the night with us until we do know her parents. It is such a scary world. I am struggling with the same things with my 12 and 14 year olds - and let me tell you - it gets worse - and is bizarre what some people call parenting. I also go with my gut a lot of times. I have raised my kids with morals and values, and sometimes you have to realize that you can't put them in a bubble. Start teaching them how to deal with the situations they will be faced with

sounds like you should just skip the sleep-overs!

this has nothing to do with the sllep over help . but I was wondering if you scrapbooked? I sell creative memories. I an=m even going to have some weeknd kid crops. I used to work in th Aisd school system now I work in a drs office. Let me know. K.

Hi! My opinion may be out there but I am very cautious just as you are. I have many friends who were molested as kids...most by people who seemed very nice and normal....one was a deacon in Church! This has made me realize I will give an account to God someday for whatever my kids experienced that could have been prevented. Also, with the Internet available and so many bad movies and music out there it is difficult to know what stuff will your kids encounter when they go to sleep overs. In my humble opinion they won't die if the only sleep overs they attend are hosted by you. Those are not the things that build or break a person...child molestation and exposure to pornography sure are. Now, if your friends feel bad about it, too bad. You can suggest that whoever is hosting the sleep over may let one or two other moms stay over that night to help supervise. You could volunteer yourself and be there to make sure things don't get out of control. Whatever you may do don't be afraid to ask questions or be protective of your child. I feel most people feel that way. You see it all the time in Churches how the parents drop the babies to be cared by teens or hired male workers without hesitating. That is why bad things happen to kids everywhere...we trust people too much and we are so afraid to be rejected or judged as over protective we let those things keep us from exercising good judgement. Don't be afraid to say no.

Do you have to let her go to sleepovers? I have four children and none of them will be attending any sleepovers. Your home sounds very similar to mine, and I just don't feel comfortable asking someone else to enforce my rules in their home so I would just prefer to do most of the entertaining in my own home. My oldest son is also in the second grade, and he has known since day one that he will not be attending any sleepovers. He is more than welcomed to have sleepovers at our house(which he does regularly), but I am just not comfortable sending him to stay with someone else. If he goes to a birthday party or something where he is asked to sleepover I allow him to go and enjoy time with his friends, but I ALWAYS pick him up after a few hours. And if I have never met the parents before I ask ahead of time if they would mind if I stay for the party b/c I NEVER leave my children with anyone who I don't know. If you just explain to the other parents that you just aren't comfortable with sleepovers they will understand.(Most of them will probably be relieved that you would prefer to have the sleepovers in your home.)

Ask the parents and child over for a play-date first. You can learn lots about people when you spend the time to talk with them. You have got to learn to trust you daughter that she is being raised to call you if she feels something is not "right". It is very hard to let our children grow-up and let go, but we have no choice!!!

A. I understand what you are saying and I feel the same way. I went through the same thing when my daughter was that age. You are not being strict or over protective. The situation will be very uncomfortable asking them questions and they can take it the wrong way. We just did not let our daughter go if we did not know the parents. One of my friends told me when she went to a sleepover, I forgot what age she was around 8 or 9 she woke up and her friends father was feeling on her and she screamed. The next day she told her mother but they didnot tell her father because he would have killed him. A. you are doing a great job! take care

My child just isn't interested in sleeping at a pals house. Our house is more fun!
The response given by our kiddo is "It's just not my thing, but you can come to my house!"

Rules differ from family to family and you may never be comfortable. I think you have to have the comfort level or it is not worth it. I've also found it is better to do the "pre emptive strike" when it comes to value systems in other families. Discuss issues that disturb you with your children. Kids will be exposed on playdates, to language, movies and parents having a glass of wine after work. It doesn't take a sleep over to experience these things. I've found if you just discuss how different rules work for different families, it works.

My daughter is 7yrs old and in 1st grade...we do not do sleepovers. I have let her do a "half sleepover" at her best friend's house whose parents I know very well & they live a few houses down from us. She wears her pajamas, takes her pillow & stuffed animal, etc. I then pick her up around 10:30 or 11pm.

I don't remember at what age I was allowed to do sleepovers. However, my sister was raped at age 12 by her best friend's older brother, who was 15. This was done at a sleepover at the best friend's house. The best friend lived in a really nice house in a nice neighborhood, and appeared to have caring parents.

Although this is an extreme case of why you shouldn't let your kids do sleepovers, why even chance it? Just because the family seems nice, you don't know who will be visiting their house while your child is there....could be another relative that you've never met, or a friend of a sibling, etc, etc.

Protecting your children is your job as a parent....you do what feels right in your gut.

My daughters are now 14 and 12 and we still have the same rules - we have to have met and been INSIDE the host house. It met with a lot of opposition (from the girls) intially, but now it's just a part of going over to stay at a friend's house and they accept it.

Ok, to accomplish that, I call the number listed on the invitation, introduce myself and then politely 'insist' that I come help them set up for the party, or offer to drop off extra napkins, drinks, ice, etc. This gets me in the front door, is 99% of the time welcomed by the hosts and allows a chance to interact with them for a few moments. On the flip side, I make sure to let the parents of kids invited here know they are welcome to come in and 'inspect' us as well! Both my girls also know that they can call me ANY time they want to come home - if they are uncomfortable, put on the spot or just miss their own bed. Good luck!

If I were you, I'd schedule an after-school (or Sat.) playdate or two with the mom(s) included. You'll be able to tell a lot by just visiting with them. I'd start there...that will help with the questions later also. If that's not possible, ask all the questions you want, without apology. I've had a mom do that with me, and I appreciated it! If the mom is like-minded with you, she'll love the questions.

I could have written your ad WORD for WORD! I am with you 100%! My son is going to be in 8 in May. We haven't had the sleepover worries yet but I won't let him go to anyone's home.. until the child has been to mine. Most times you can quickly pick up the parenting styles of a child by the demeanor and actions of their children. If the child has a potty-mouth, my son doesn't play with him, etc. etc. If I don't know the parents, NO WAY DOES HE GO. Those are just the rules....plain and simple. We would like our son to be around Godly children whose parents have the same morals and values we do. That is who he plays with. We are called to raise our children in the way they are to go. Yes, they will always stray....but without us telling them right from wrong, with guidelines, they will never know better.

This is how I handle it - my daughter says it embarrasses her, but so far she hasn't been mentally or physically mauled at a sleepover that we allowed her to go to.

I call the mom at the number listed on the invitation, introduce myself as my daughter's mom and thank her so much for inviting my daughter. Then I apologize in advance for being so overprotective, blame it on my husband (who works in law enforcement and really doesn't mind), and start my questions. Who will be there - other than the party guests (siblings, mom, dad..)What will the girls be doing? Will mom or dad be supervising ALL waking hours? Will they be watching any movies? Which ones? Will anyone be smoking or drinking at the house while the girls are there?

At any point, if I feel uncomfortable about anything she's saying, I write it down and when I'm done asking all of my questions - regardless - I say I will talk to my daughter's daddy she will let the daughter know the next day at school.

She's always allowed to go to the party - sometimes she's not allowed to spend the night, though - typically we make plans the next day to ensure it.

Like I said - she says I embarrass her - but most of the moms have said they are just as curious - if not openly cautious - about where their daughters are spending the night - and more than a couple find out what I've told my daughter and tell their own the same thing.

We invest so much into our children - pregnancy, labor, delivery, infant feedings, teething, potty training, teaching them to read - we have a God given responsibility to ensure their safety to the best of our ability, regardless of whose toes we may step on in the process.