Sleep Sharing

I am a mother of 4. I am an advocate of co-sleeping for the first year. I have co-slept with all my babies... baby #4 is 5 months and is in our bed. My husband and I agreed we would co-sleep for one year (or a bit past depending on how ready they were) then move them to their own beds. We make a big deal out of it. We get their bed set up about a month before we transition them. We let them choose their own fave character sheets, we let them choose a few stuffed animals that live only on their bed etc. We start doing story time, quiet play and nap time on their bed. Its important to have a bedtime routine well established by now. If you don't already, get one set up and stick to it for a few weeks before transitioning. We set a date and start a countdown for the transition. We talk about the big day a lot and build up a lot of excitement about it. We ask pepole outside the family they know to also talk about it and tell them how excited they are for them. The day we move them is a big celebration... a "graduation to my big girl bed" day. Everyone talks about how lucky they are they get to move to their own bed, we read stories about being big kids, about beds whatever you can find etc. Just make it a big party. We are very consistent with bedtime routine and read a couple of extra stories and sing songs. I usually will sit with them intheir room (not on the bed.. and no talking allowed) until they fall asleep for the first week or two (yes, requires tremendous patience!) They will come to our bed during the night quite a bit at first but we are very consistent in always hugging them, kissing them and firmly returning them to their beds. We also celebrate (lavish praise, do little happy dances, fix a fave breakfast) in the morning every time they have stayed in their bed the whole night for a while. The transition was hardest with my first as she had no one else there. My other two were much easier as they were sharing a room with a sibling. My third was begging to sleep in her bed before the set transition date. We still stuck with the set date though.. she was delighted to be able to make the move. Good luck!

This will be a very difficult habit to break. My husband and I raised 3 sons and never let them into our bed. It will take a lot of determination on your part. You'll have to let her know who is in control. I would suggest reading to her before bedtime. Let her choose a book, and them read it to relax her. Don't get into her bed, and I would choose the youth bed over the double bed. You'll have to stick with the routine until she learns that you aren't going to sleep with her anymore.

Hi J.,
I used a gate to keep my two-year old son in his room at night. He would cry at the gate and many times he would fall asleep on the floor right next to it. But I'd say over a few months he started to understand what we expected and it got easier.
Good luck!

Firstly, I want to say how happy I am you were able to do it for so long. The confidence that comes from being so very loved really does come from things like this (I have a 10 yr old & a 5 yr old, I know!). But, as to actual advice: if your child falls asleep better with you, you can take her into her room, get into the bed & then, when she is asleep, leave. Yes, I realize this might not be the greatest advice in the world - I never had the problem you're having, per se. I wish you all the luck in the world!

Hi J.,
This is a very familiar situation to me. My son, 3.5 also co-sleeping until similar age as your daughter. He also moves around a lot at night, hence the reason we went straight to a full size bed. We had great success with getting him a full size bed, setting it up in our room for a couple of weeks and putting him to be there. He would occassionally wander to our bed, although I would walk him back to his "big boy" bed and sometimes lay down with him until he was asleep (cuddle). Then, once he got the hang of it and enjoyed having his own bed, we moved his own room. I usually lay down with him and read books, talk with him, etc. to get the cuddling in (for both of us :o). Anyway, he drifts off to bed and I resume my evening time. I admit I should probably leave before he falls asleep, although I truly enjoy the time with him (also being working mother).
I have a newborn (6 wks) and am now having to figure out how to get him to go to bed without mommy.

When he wakes up to go bathroom in the middle of the night, he sometimes comes to our room first, then I show him to bathroom and back to his room. If he comes in to snuggle, I usually show him back to his room and tuck him back in, sometimes I sit with him to assure he is back to sleep. In the a.m., he does come sometimes from his room to our room and I let him jump up and snuggle 15 -30 mins before getting up for the day.

we have never had to use any gates, or anything like that. he just fell into new routine because I think it is something he also enjoys.

This is by no means professional advice, although it seems to work for us. My son is a very good natured, flexible boy, although we both enjoy snuggle time.
good luck. J. D

Hi J.,

My family went through a horrible tragedy when my oldest was almost 2. He had been sleeping in bed with us for months which was fine with me in the beginning, then it got to be exhausting. I would have to lay with him till he fell asleep and I'd usually wind up falling asleep first. Right around 27 months we got him his own bed, regular twin size. We kept the mattresses on the floor, no frame. In the beginning we'd do what we normally did, except now we'd lay in his bed instead of ours. After a few months (he was probably 2 1/2) we decided he was completely old enough to go to sleep on his own and we just had to do it and get it over with. So for the first week we'd lay with him for 15 minutes, the next 10 and the next 5. He eventually got used to it and even now at 5 years old he sometimes asks us to "sleep with him 5".

Good luck!

K. - stay at home Mom of 5 year old and 22 month old boys.

Are you sleeping in her room or is she in your bed? My parents had me sleep between them for too long and it was quite the struggle for me. When I had my own room, I still would fall asleep in their bed and then my dad would carry me into my room. On most nights, I would wake up and go back because I wasn't beeing smushed on both sides. You should put pillows where you would be..that helps her feel like you are still there and she'll sleep better. When they made the "stand", I thought I had done something wrong (when simply the bed wasn't big enough) and was being punished...so keep that in mind and maybe try and structure it so she knows it's a good thing. Hope this helps!

Hi. My name is Gracie and I am also a proud mother only I have 2! Is their something she always sleeps with (a lovey)? This worked with my friend's daughter (she has 6 kids and 7 is on the way!) She got her 2 year old to "make sure Lumpy is safe in bed". She took the focus off mommy not being there and put the focus on what WAS in bed with her already. Also, give her something to look forward to so she will want to going to sleep, like a special breakfast bowl she can use in the morning with breakfast, or even a special breakfast food (my kids went to sleep in no time if I told them we were having Cinnamon rolls in the morning). Make sure you stay positive with her about her going to bed with her lovey. Maybe you could play a quiet CD in her room so she can relax. I know it may be a rough journey to get her to go to bed without you. Know there is someone praying for you. One thing you don't want to do is to go sleep with her because you want to. She will get confused. If you want to be near her when she is already asleep, kneel by her bedside or sit in a chair and watch her sleep. Don't let her make you feel guilty. She is a "big girl" and you aren't her "night-night lovey". I wish you the best. God Bless!

Oh my goodness, I can't believe you haven't slept in the same bed with your husband for almost three years! That poor man! I agree with Jeanne, I can't believe he has put up with that. He must be a saint!

Anyway, definitely keep her in the same bed she's already in. If she's in a full-size bed with you already, keep her in there. Let's not confuse her more than she already will be by changing *everything* up on her. She's past the toddler bed stage IMHO anyway. If she needs something big to cuddle up with, there are large teddy bears that might work. Just keep guiding her back to her room if she gets out, but make this transition exciting, hyping up what a big girl she is now, etc. You can check on her and bring her back to bed a million times a night until she gets it (and she might not, and you might have to gate her in - although mine is the same age and can pull it down and/or climb over, so we have to lock the door for her own safety or she'd be getting into trouble all night long in the sleeping household), but she MUST learn to sleep by herself in her own bed.

Just remember, you are doing something GOOD for her by teaching her to fall asleep by herself. It's harmful not to teach her this. I KNOW! I have had trouble falling asleep my entire life and wish i'd been taught good sleeping habits like my kids have. Good luck!

J., my best advice is to talk to your daughter. Tell her that you made a decision that wasn't the best and that you need to go back to "your" bed. Also explain to her that her big girl friends all have beds that the get to have on their own. I've found that kids take things so much better when you tell them what to expect. Tell her that you expect her to be a wonderful big girl and enjoy the adventure of having the room all to herself! It may take a week or so for her to adjust, but trust me it is best for her. The most important thing for her is to see a strong marriage between you and your hubby and in the end it will do more for her than you sleeping with her. I would avoid the gate/cage thing, I would just keep putting her in bed until she understands. She may have no problem with it at all! Good luck

Hi J.,
I don't know if this would help but when our 2 year old had to move out of the nursery and make room for our newborn . We made it an adventure by explaining to him he is going to be three and is a big toddler now so let's decorate your room together. We went to Lowes and got a wall cut out stickers and he choose the transportation theme anything transportation cars, trains , etc yours may like Disney Princesses which they have that way if you want to redo the room later it comes off the wall easily. Then I helped him pick out a comforter set and he got a big boy bed we kept reinstating the idea of being a big boy and having all big boy stuff rather than the emphasis on new baby and how he has to give it up for him. It was all focused on him and how he can sleep in a big boy bed all by himself.IWe got him a full size bed. He really surprised us and took to it. We still stuck with the bedtime routine of story time and what is your best adventure or best part of your day and the worst while we snuggled for our usual 5 minute. Hope that helps.
A little about me.
I have a 31/2 year old and an 8 month old both boys and I love being a Mom!

Hi, J., I also shared sleep with my children and I'm a big believer in it. It won't be much longer and she won't want you there. Consider allowing yourself to relax and just enjoy this short-lived season of your daughter's childhood. Sharing sleep with your children is the norm in the vast majority of the world, and much research shows it's very, very good for both you and your child (see the sleep research of Dr. James McKenna). You mentioned that you work during the day and your child is in daycare, so it makes sense that she is making the most out of the time she has with you. Go ahead and interact with her--sing little songs, tell little stories, rub her back, let her fall asleep in your presence that she adores and craves. Consider going to bed earlier so you have more time for that interaction. My children are grown out of that stage, and I look back fondly, even on the nights I was really tired and wished they'd just go to sleep already. Your daughter will grow out of it, too, but the closeness you forge in those sweet moments before sleep will last. If it simply isn't working for you, if you're exhausted or there are other dynamics with your spouse and you must make a change, please read Elizabeth Pantley's "The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers." She's got wonderful ideas for meeting the emotional needs of your child while still getting your own sleep. Best wishes, J., and congratulations on a lively, loving little girl. P.S. Regarding The Supernanny: it's a TV show, designed to entertain you and get the highest ratings it can, not to provide you with the best parenting practices.

First, I'm actually quite horrified at the responses about your husband "tolerating" this arrangement for so long. I'm quite sure he had a say in the situation. I have both my girls in the bed with me. My husband is in a different state for his job and even when he is home, we have a king sized bed so that we have room for everyone. When we went to visit him, our older daughter slept on a twin mattress on the floor while the baby slept with us in the queen bed. When my husband was in the Navy our daughter slept with me most of the time. We had her crib in our room, so it was more a matter of me not wanting to get out of the bed to nurse in the middle of the night. My step son never slept in the bed with us, but he didn't have his own room until he was almost 4. By then we didn't have any problems with him coming back to our room, though he would get out of bed and play in the dark at first if we didn't make sure he was almost asleep before we left the room.

In your situation, I would take the toddler bed out. I'd not otherwise change the routine except to not stay in the bed with her all night. My older daughter still needs me to stay in with her until she is almost out even though she is still in my bed. My step son was the same way in that he needed one of us to stay in the room with him for a little bit. Eventually your daughter will grow in confidence that even though you are not sleeping in the same room/bed that you will be there to take care of her if she needs you. The whole cry it out approach is cruel not only to the child who thinks they did something wrong and are being punished, but for the parent who knows they are emotionally hurting their children. While it is necessary to have firm boundaries, if you have a secure relationship with your child then having her crying it out alone in a dark room is going to be traumatic for both of you. Just like weaning, it's a process that with a little gentle encouragement can be accomplished over time.

I read in a book once that to break a kid from sleeping with you to put their mattress next to yours on the floor and every night move it further and further into their room. It sounds as if though you are sleeping with the child. You could always just try and put her to bed by herself. Try putting a stuffed animal in bed with her and leaving a night light on. You could always do a build a bear thing and record your voice or something so if she misses you when she is trying to go to sleep. It could be her special thing to go to sleep at night only if she sleeps with out you. Those are my suggestions. I hope everything works out for you.

So, with my son, we keep a very strict bedtime routine and at least in the beginning and most of the time after that, keep bedtime consistent and before she's overtired. Around 8 pm we start our routine and he's in his bed by 8:30 pm, I'm sure he's not asleep until after that, but we get up at 7 am, so if you need to be up before that you may want to consider an earlier time. Then make some routine, for us every other night it's bath, get ready, then every night it's reading 2-4 books, then we turn the lights out and rock and sing. Then, while he still awake, we lay him in his bed and turn on a winnie the pooh night time singer. It plays for 5', 10' or 15' with a little lights. Then it is completely dark and quiet, except for his fan for background noise. We sit in the rocking chair until he falls asleep, so he knows we're right there. Then when he arises during the night, he for the most part will go back to sleep, if not we rock him in the chair and lay him back down, but don't take him to our room. Then every morning between 5:30 and 6:30 am he wakes up and we bring him to our bed, not before that time. This way he gets that contact he wants, after a good night sleep and knowing that it's coming I think helps. Well, good luck and hope some of this might work for you. I can't reiterate how important a strict routine, especially in the beginning is.

Hi J.,

I have a two year old daughter as well, and I would say the toddler bed is fine. I would not put up a gate because it will just upset her more. She will feel locked in. If you want to leave the full bed in her room, may I suggest you either buy a bedrail or take the bed off the frame and just leave the boxspring and the mattress. Try starting a fun bedtime ritual such as singing a few songs or reading a favorite story and giving her a kiss goodnight and sweet dreams.Stick to it and take her back as often as it takes. Get daddy to help with getting her back to her bed and in no time she will be sleeping alone. Good luck and here is to spending the night with your hubby.

J.-- you have been practicing attachment parenting which is deeply rewarding. It's a difficult transition once you feel the child can be on her own..I would suggest reading Dr. Sears book: nighttime parenting. My children went from the parent's bed to the sibling bed by the time they were 2 and a half. All my children are adults now and they are very happy kids with amazing healthy outlooks on life and they are all very close (there are 6 of them) Don't do a cold turkey thing because that can cause so much anxiety in the child and it sounds like she is pretty darn secure and happy right now. Sacrifice like this has great rewards but I do suggest the Sears book. It is excellent. C., RN

One thing that worked for my 2 year old when we moved him to his own bed was that we got him Thomas sheets, and he was very excited to stay in his "Thomas bed."

I think at almost 3 years old, she will know what you want. It is NOT going to be easy to get her out of your bed.

I think Supernanny's way is the way to go. First thing in the morning of the day you want her out of your bed, you tell her that tonight she's going to sleep in her own bed at night time. Remind her off and on throughout the day. You might want to mention that she's very big now and she is old enough to have her own bed... blah blah blah. At bed time, you bring her in there, read a story, say good night and leave. That's it. If she comes out, you bring her back. Do not read one more story. Do not give her a drink. Do not interact. Just bring her back. She WILL get the message. DO NOT GIVE IN if she wants to be in your bed. YOU are the parent. YOU are the boss.

As for the full sized vs toddler bed - my kids went right into regular sized twin beds with rails. No big deal. We were poor and couldn't afford another kind of bed. They slept in what we had. Do what you think will work best for you. Personally, I'd take the toddler bed out, but that's just me.

Good luck!

Yes, I would do a supernanny move. If u have seen the show it seems to work. Yes it may be hard the first few nights, but in the end it will be well worth it and u will both end up getting a good night sleep. Ur daughter knows how much she can get away with u and at daycare she knows she cant. It is all about staying committed and showing her what mommy says she means and that bedtime is bedtime. U need to set a bedtime for her and that is when u put her down in her room, in her bed. Make it a rountine every night. Im sure ur husband will appreciate it too. The bed type is up to u as the parent. I dont think it would matter, if u are more comfortable with putting her in the toddler bed for safety reason u should. Another ideal is take toddler bed out and use the full bed and put side rails up for her safety. Good luck and I hope for the best for u.

My little one is almost 4. She prefers to sleep with us too. We let her get away with it a lot when she was under 3. Only on rare occasions does she get to now. Here are some things that have worked pretty good for us when we decided she needed to stay in her bed for the entire night. I have made a couple deals with her. 1- if she stays in her bed all night she can take a nap/quiet time in my bed. 2- In the night if she really really needs me she can come and get me. Now every night she will ask "if I actually actually need you can I come get you?" I want her to feel safe and loved so I say "Yes, Only if you actually actually need me". It is very hard to put her back to bed when you are so sleepy, but what I do is cuddle with her for a couple minutes and then take her back to her bed. Then she has to take a nap or have quiet time in her own bed that day because she came into my room in the night. There has been at least one time I can remember where she came in, got some cuddle time for a few mins with me and then I told her to go get back in her bed and she did. This has worked for us. I think it helps that she is in some control of her situation. She can choose to stay in bed if she wants nap time in Moms bed. She still sometimes cries about not wanting to be in her bed, but she does it less and less. just a thought... good luck!

We were in a similar situation. Ours started as a joyous time putting our daughter to bed...cuddling her. Next thing we knew it was taking and hour to an hour 1/2 for her to sleep. She thinks she is a "princess" so we used that to our advantage saying...you know, Mommy and Daddy have to share a bed...but you are the PRINCESS you get a beautiful bed all for yourself. She seemed to take to this quickly. It took about 3 nights of crying (we did put a gate up at her door) and making us feel SO guilty...but suddenly she was sleeping. We started a very familiar bed ritual. Potty, teeth, face, feet...jammies...story...prayers...you are all done...goodnight Princess. From everything we've read...stick to what you say...if you go up once, she knows you'll keep going back. The only thing we would change is WE WOULD'VE DONE IT EARLIER!!

My daughter slept with me while my husband was deployed oversees and when he came home (she was almost 2)we put her bed in our room so she could still be close to me but start the transition to her own room. She slept in her bed in our room for awile and then I just kept suggesting and telling her how cool her own room was and how big girls sleep in thier own rooms. She decided on her own to move her bed into her room. She has slept by herself since. I do still lay with her at night in her bed till she falls asleep but I find that to be one of my favorite times of the day. It is much easier if you establish a routine and rules. We start at 830pm when she gets to watch a goodnight show...then the tv goes off and we go upstairs to brush teeth and use the bathroom. She then picks out a book, we read and then lights out....we lay for a minute or two talking about what we want to dream about then we say our goodnights. If she trys to talk more I ask her to please be quiet because I am trying to sleep....usually by 915/930 she is asleep and I sneak out. It took several days to get the routine established but now she nows what to do and when to do it. I for one dont like the 'supernanny' method (not that I am against it but it just doesnt work for me). I feel like I can get things across without making things more complicated and stressful then need be for both me and my child...I also now that different things work better for different children.....do what makes you feel comfortable, you know your child best......good luck.

Hi J.,
I shared a bed with my now 4 year old little girl for almost 3 years. It was hard but she now sleeps in her own bed and has for about a year now. We made a sticker chart for going to bed by herself and every 5 stickers got her a prize she REALLY wanted. We then just tapered off and kept working. Now we use sticker charts for everything! Good Luck!
J. Orden

I don't think sleeping with your child is necessarily a bad idea. It may feel that way now that you're ready for a change, but rest assured that you've been a wonderful and nurturing mom to help her feel safe and secure at night. I love the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" - she gives a lot of great suggestions for how to transition a co-sleeping child to her own bed. One suggestion is to put a mattress on the floor of your room, so she can get used to sleeping on her own bed but still know that you're close by. Then gradually move the mattress farther and farther away until it's in her own room. If you feel she's ready to go faster, you can. For some kids all they need is a discussion about it and lots of positive reinforcement. Best of luck to you!

Maybe if it is easier and there are 2 beds in there have her use the toddler bed with a sleeping gard rail that you can buy at most stores and you sleep in the big bed until she gets adjusted and tell her mommy and daddy need to share the bed now and she is promoted to "the big girl bed"!!!!
You have to be the strong one or the process you are in will never change. Here is where the hard part of being a parent can come in but you have to be the parent and boss and just make it how it has to be.
good luck

I think an almost 3 yr old has the intelligence and the communication abilities to understand your instructions clearly, so I'd recommend the supernanny method. Any extra transition factors could just confuse them. Be honest and respectful to your little one, and treat them like the intelligent little bundles they are and I think you'll find the greatest success. It will be very difficult, don't believe anything else, but if you are firm in your resolve and do it with love and an enormous amount of patience each day, I belive you'll find the results you want faster than you think. Just be consistent, firm, and loving and try to emphasize the positive of self ownership--their own room, their own bed, because they are growing and they've earned it/deserve it-that sort of thing. Also for bed size, I'd recommended going with only a twin. A toddler bed is really for the transition from a crib to a bed because they are the same size and give them that security of familiarity. And when they outgrow it in a year, you'll be back working on another difficult transition again for them. The full size might give them too much space all alone when you're gone and be too frightening for them. Also, if you can get a new twin bed, it could provide you an opportunity to help your little one see ownership by picking out new sheets, a new bedspread, etc., even the bed itself which will go along way to helping them transition when it's all their choices. A twin will also free up lots of floor space in their room for playing, maybe on a new matching little rug. Good Luck and hope whatever choice you make works well and gets you back in your own bed (with hubby) and strengthens your marriage too. Nothing but good for everyone! :)

Get out of that bed and get back to bed with your husband! I am suprised he put up with this sleeping arrangement for so long. If your little one needs a warm body to sleep with, let HER sleep with the dog.

I think it'd be a great idea to discuss with her the changes that needs to be made. I would follow Supernanny's idea since her ideas are tried and true. Good luck. It's also a great idea to hold to a routine...give her time with you before bedtime read a story, sing what not...I do this with my almost 3 year old and then don't feel so guilty when I have to keep taking her back to her own bed.

I had the same issue because I was nursing. I decided to take the gentle approach.

1. I put a mattress on the floor of my room. I would lay down with my child until they fell asleep and then moved up to my own bed.
2. Later I started laying down with them in their own room (necessitates move to regular bed for child obviously) and when they fell asleep, I would get up and move to my room.

I co-slept with both of my boys. My oldest was almost 3 when we finally got him to sleep in his own bed. (I was due with my second ANY day at that point and I was still trying to keep our oldest in his big boy bed) I would have to lay on the floor next to his toddler bed until he fell asleep. Not very comfy when you the size of a whale lol. But he finally realized thats where he belongs at night. Now he's almost 5 and he has no problems in his own bed (which is a twin now). My youngest is turning 2 tomorrow! And I learned from my first NOT to let him sleep in my bed for as long as my oldest did. He sleeps in his own bed every night since he was about 1yr and 6 months. (They also share a room and have bunk beds, so I think it was a little easier for him to have his big brother in there with him) He does try to get out of bed and come into mine when he thinks I'm asleep... but I just take him right back to his bed. No matter how tired you are, you have to put them back in their own bed. I personally, could never do the gate at the door because I dont want to "lock" them in their room and my oldest would probably hurt himself in the middle of the night trying to go to the bathroom lol. I dont like letting a child cry it out either. I like to let them know that they are safe and make sure that they are happy about the change too. Good luck. It can be a long process when the child is older.

Try making it special for her. Perhaps a new bedlinens and nightclothes picked out by her? Let her pick her bed, either way you get to put one bed away.
Personally, I think kids need to see that mommy and daddy have to have some kind of privacy and priority in order for them to later know what to expect when they get married. We love our kids but try hard to date so when they grow up we still know and love each other. To many marriages have failed as empty nest hits.

I imagine it would be really hard for her to go from sleep sharing to being completely alone in her room. You might try a few night of sleeping together in her room (so she gets used to the idea), then after a few days staying with her until she falls asleep, then staying for a little while then getting up before she's completely asleep... This worked for our family while the dragging back to bed didn't. Our son (about your daughter's age at the time ) turned getting out of bed into a game because he thought it was fun having us put him back in. (And we were seething of course.) It may take a few weeks, but it will be a gentler transition for her! Hope this helps. :)