Sleep Help for 3 Year Old

Hi K.
This can be quickly managed with a swat on her behind. Don't be afraid of making a point. It doesn't mean wait until you get angry with her, just gently but firmly take a stand and let her know there is a consequence for this behavior, and a swat or two is the quickest way to do that. This is manipulation, which is a form of defiance and you can make a point without getting steamed.
As for coming to sleep with you, either let her or don't. Just be consistent. You're sending mixed signals, which tells her that you don't mean what you say and trains her to be persistent. I know its exhausting to be consistent but remember you have a window of time while your children are young to train them in the way they should go. It won't last forever! Take steps now to establish obedience and you will be doing your child and you a huge favor.
I always liked my kids coming in and sleeping with me. My younger ones still do :)
Hope this helps
S.

1 mom found this helpful

Welcome to my world six mnths ago. I'm a single sahmom and lost my dad 9/06/07 and bedtimes were the dread of my day. My daughter tried everything under the sun as yours is to stretchout, negotiate, manipulate her bedtime. It was an example of how smart she is. And a wake up call for me to take charge. As of late, taking away her bedtime story is
the worst for her. But she never once yelled about that as a consequence. Somehow, I guess because it was calmly explained and then came to pass for her a few nights in a row,
she doesn't argue with me when I tell her she's lost a book
at night time. Once in the middle of my worst grieving days after losing my Dad, in total desperation, and just wanting some private time to cry it out, I banged my head on the wall three times. Don't do this at home, it hurts and you'll look crazy to your kid. You probably have a good six months of this
and so you'll need lots of patience, humor, but stay firm without being to strict. Sometimes my daughter truly does just need reassurance that I'm here and other times she is just working me over. Almost every nite she climbs in bed with me between 2 and 5am. She has greatly improved so hang in there it does get better. Her biggest hurdles to bedtime now are thunderstorms and making sure I'm not going to go to the
basemnt to do laundry. I finally realized that lying to her about my laundry activities at night was much better for both of us than trying to explain that "even tho I'm downstairs
I'm still right here taking care of her"
My heart goes out to you, been there, try to balance holding her to the rules and comforting a sincere worry and most of all forgive yourself if you do get frustrated and vent a little. I don't think it's such a bad thing to let your child know you have feelings to. I made some progress with my daughter when I explained that nightime is when "Mommy takes time for herself to pluck her eyebrows, read a book, watch
shows for grownups, exercise, do dishes," but for heaven's sake NO LAUNDRY. I'm certain it's a phase of uncertainty and
wondering what you're doing without her and honing of negotiating and manipulating skills. Laugh at what you can, some of the things they come up with are hilarious, and support each other, be on the same page with each other, take turns being the bed police and you'll get thru it I didn't have anyone like that which made it tough. Good Luck God Bless You Hope I helped, Maybe you helped me more by letting me share my experience and wisdom, if it is that. I'm a second time around toddler mom with 26,21,19 yr olds and Yay, a new grandmother. I also adjust her bedtime depending on tired factor, sickness or getting well but still overtired,
if she's been up later (8 or 9) for several nites in a row
or particularly hard to put to bed, the following nites get earlier bedtimes. I also had some success with showing her on the clock that if she's late going to bed, due to her not cooperating, the next nite she has to go to bed 30 min. earlier. Be willing to try new bartering systems and tweek
the routine every nite. it won't always be perfect. Chalk a lot of this to her age and before you know it she'll be three and a half and you'll see her start to come out of the constant challenging that she's doing now. Tonya C. is on target. One night I ended up taking one by one 60% of her toys and she earned them back one by one for successful bedtimes. Be firm when you dole out a consequence. But I think you can be consistent and still speak to your child. not a fan of totally ignoring a child.

Try reading a long book but only read half. And try using the word NO.Or you could try putting her to bed early so you can go in there and let her play for 10 to 15 min.

My son who is also 3 every once in a great moon will get out of bed and come into my room. I put up a metal gate to his room so he couldnt leave. Its not shutting the door because I dont think thats right but its very safe and great for when he wants to play up there with his little brother. I then dont have to worry about kids falling down the stairs. I know you have a 7:30 bed time and thats awesome but maybe push it back to 8pm?? We to had a 7:30 bed time but then pushed it back and it worked better. My son was able to get more sleepy and staied in his room/didnt cry out for mom or dad after he had been there awhile. be tough! its hard, I have to tell my older sister be tougher on her kids, dont give in because they are SO SMART and will just keep doing it. make sure also your daughter gets lots of play time during the day and maybe if she takes a nap skip it so she will fall asleep faster at night and sleep through the night and not bother mommy and daddy. :o)

Good luck!!

We practiced Family Bed with our children, but when my son was about three, our third child was born and I wanted him to go to bed before I did, so I began trying to get him to sleep in his own bed. After weeks of struggle, I started laying down in his bed after stories and prayers, nursing the baby while rubbing his head and just being there while he fell asleep. But it took too long, and after a few nights, when he was almost asleep, I remembered I hadn't locked the door, so I told him I'd be right back, got up and went to lock the door and came back until he was asleep. The next night I did the same thing. Then I started doing a couple more things before coming back, always telling him where I was going and that I'd be back soon, and coming back before he fell asleep. After a couple of weeks, he realized that I was not leaving him all alone and he would fall asleep before I came back. I woke him gently the first few times to let him know I was back, but soon just looked in to make sure he was sleeping and then quit coming back. It was a gentle, reassuring way to make him secure sleeping in his own bed. When he or his sisters came to our room in the middle of the night, after they got big enough to crowd the bed, we started keeping a blanket at the foot of the bed and would make a "doggie pad" on the floor next to our bed where they could sleep. All three children were our of our room by the time they were five and slept alone with no trouble (they are now 14 to 18.) They were also very secure, well attached children who went off to preschool and overnight visits without tears, and they are now very independent.

Remember that three year olds are beginning to realize that they are separate from you, and they need some extra reassurance that you haven't disappeared.

I can so help with this! When my daughter was 3 she did the same things! First, tell her everytime she gets out of bed she will loose a lovey, toy or something she cherishes until the next morning. After 2 nights of loosing her kitty she sleeps with,toys, night light and princess lamp she stopped getting out of bed (obvious exceptions are potting,etc)

I also STRONGLY recommend you get a lullaby CD and play it to her to go to sleep and also continue playing it throughout the night. This broke the getting out and coming to our bed Fisher Price makes a really nice one with forest sounds and lullabies called Rainforest Music Nature's Lullabies (Walmart $9) This method works awesome on babies too to get them to sleep through the night! Worked for all 3 of my kids! Good Luck!

I have a five year old son and a set of 2 year old twins (boy and girl). They're wonderful, at times angelic, until nap/bedtime. The best advice I can give to you from experience is to not give in. Ask yourself, "who's the adult?" Set bounderies and when she crosses them give consequences. Some things are just non- negotiatble and I think bed time is one of them(until she becomes a teenager). From experience, if you continue to allow her to manipulate you into having things her way, it will only get worst for everyone. The longer you wait the harder it will be to control this behavior. And it may never stop completely. My baby boy still cries a few minutes (about 6 nights a week)when its time to go to bed. He cries a few minutes and when he sees we won't come to his rescue he just goes to sleep. It wasn't always that easy though. It took months of being on a strict schedule and not giving in those cries and sad big brown eyes.

Is she still napping? When my son was between 3-4, he was still napping and having increasing difficulty with bedtime. I found that moving his nap up a little bit helped at first, and then we eventually dumped the nap. Bedtime went from an hour+ long struggle to a 10-15 minute pleasant book read.

You might also want to try some of the books on tape. Something that she can listen to and help her fall asleep.

And, know that every mom in my neighborhood with similiarly aged children is going through EXACTLY the same thing:-)

Hey! You are not alone. :) I think right when my daughter turned 3 is when she really started to push my buttons too! One thing that has helped some with the getting out of bed for us (and the screaming out for us as well) is that we tell her good night, then remind her of our rule. If she gets out of bed ____ will happen. Sometimes it's different. One of the things is that she gets her stuffed animal taken away, if she does it again she gets her night-night taken away. For a while in August (she had just turned 3) she started taking her pull up off when she got in the bed and then would wet her bed fully!!! I tried to tape the pull up on and she still ripped off all the tape to take it off - so I TOTALLY stripped her bed. No sheets (I went back in at night and put a light sheet or blanket on her if it was colder) but she got no animal, no night night no pillow or anything. Just her and the mattress. It took her about 2 weeks!!! She's quite the stubborn child. Then she realized I wasn't going to budge. (She did get one thing back at a time for each time she didn't pull her pull up off).
Consistancy is the key. I am not the perfect consistant mother, but the more I am, the better she responds.

Johnson and Johnson has a bathwash for children that are cranky at bedtime. It's called lavender chamomile( if I am not mistaken) it's in a purple bottle it works really well. One night I used the lotion for my self because I was so sleepy. I think you should try it.

Nita

Not that this is always easy. But you should take her back to bed every time without talking to her. Simply place her in bed and walk out. I've tried this with my daughter and sometimes she tries to talk to me or she's crying but eventually she stays in her room. I'm not saying it's always easy because it has taken an hour to an hour an a half on the bad days but most of the time, it really isn't horrible...it's just sticking to your guns that's difficult.

I didn't read all your responses, but as a 50 yr old grandmother to 3 (and 'Mom' to 4 adult kids. Youngest daughter is now at the age I was when I had our oldest) let me tell you the best advice MY mom ever gave me: "Don't say ANYTHING to a child unless you MEAN it." This means that you will ENFORCE what you say EVERY TIME. Of course, we all change our minds sometimes and go back on our first 'orders' (especially if we've said 'no' too hastily about letting them do something fun, safe and interesting), but if it's worth enforcing, enforce it. If it's not, don't SAY it. Simple, but not easy!

Happy parenting!

Stop giving in! Take her by the hand and don't say anything and take her back to her bed tuck her in and leave. When she does this at nite, do the same thing. When she comes bk tell her "this is your bed where you sleep, not in mommy and daddy's bed."
My oldest son who's 5 will play the " i have to go pee" game. We have him go potty before he goes to bed, and he goes. 5 minutes after we say goodnight, he opens his door and says "I have to go pee", then he sits and plays while "waiting". After 3 minutes, we send him back to his room, then 5 minutes later he comes out again. We have to tell him to go back to bed; that he doesn't have to pee, he just wants to stay awake. We tell him this is not a game and it's bedtime, he had a chance to pee, and he did, now it's time to go to bed; that ends the game for the night. He's done this for 3 months now, and it's relentless, but we stick to our guns and hopefully he will stop playing this game.
When you put your daughter to bed, don't talk to her, say goodnight, tuck her in, remind her it's quiet time and to keep quiet and go to sleep by putting your finger to your mouth, and leave. If she comes out, take her back to her room and repeat; no talking, finger to your mouth, and leave. I know it's hard to not talk to her, but if you want her to stop with the games, you have to be firm and consistent. One thing that has helped us in the past was a door knob cover; but since we've moved the door knob covers dont' fit over the old fashioned door knobs. But we see this as a good thing because now he can get up and go pee in the middle of the night and in the morning, and he's very good about going back to his room afterwards.
I hope this helps! Good luck!

K.,

I to have had the same problem with my 5 year old and my 3 year old. I have found that if I fix them a small glass of milk and turn on some soft music/tv on they seem to fall straight to sleep. I hope this will help you.

P.S. Let her choose what she wants to listen to, it helps when they get to make the decision.

My son is only 2 1/2, he's usually pretty good about staying in bed. Although when we moved him into a toddler bed I put one of those plastic child safety knob covers on the inside of his door so that he couldn't open the door. So he learned early on that even though he could get out of bed, he couldn't get out of his room. When we put him to bed, sometimes he goes right to sleep, but then other times he'll just play for a little bit then finally lie down and go to sleep. It looks like you have received a lot of good suggestions from other people, I just wanted to add the knob lock idea.

A sleep study may be in order. United Sleep Medicine has a wonderful pediatric sleep specialist. Most of the women in my family experience RLS and my daughter was a pain about sleeping, beginning even earlier than your daughter. Finally, when she was 3 or 4, I had a sleep study done and she was diagnosed with RLS. There are many reasons why kids can't sleep and they usually can't verbalize why. A sleep study could give you definitive evidence as to why she is having sleep problems.
Kim
www.kimberlyhelms.com

Hi,

I had the same problem when my daughter was three. For three years I would lay with her until she fell asleep. Finally I had enough. One night I told her she is going to sleep in her bed by herself. First, I sent my husband away. Then I read her story and said goodnight. She came out of her bed like three times. The first time I picked her up and kissed her and said "it's night night time. Second time I did the same,and the third time I said nothing. I just pick her up and put her in back in bed. Then she didn't bother getting out of her bed but began to cry and yell for me. She said things like mama speak to me but I didn't say a word. It was hard but it worked. I swear it took only 30mins. Since then shes never argued about bedtime nor has she ever came out of bed without asking. It's made my world so much easier. I think thats one of the best things I did for the both of us.

I too have a 3 year old so I know how frustrating it is! They really start to show their independence at age 3. I would say put your daughter to bed later, 7:30 seems early, esp. since it is still light outside. She may be putting off going to bed since she's not tired. If you put her to bed later, maybe she will stop getting out of bed during the night when she wakes up, ready to start her day before the roosters!

Good luck, I can sympathize!

I had these problems with our sons to varying degrees. The smallest one is now four and a half and we have had me wash or atleast start the bath. Dad dries him (when he is home) and read a book. That is their time together, if I am going to be there then I don't talk. He gets twenty minutes to watch something...then I sing to him the same three songs everynight. He and his older brother share a room and they have a night light that looks like a globe on the desk. He gets to turn it on, gets sang to and goes to sleep usually with no more trouble. My second son was more difficult. Not too much screaming but definitely a middle of the night visitor. We eventually decided that this was our bed, but did let him bring his blanket and pillow and lay a palat on the side of the bed and sleep there so long as he didn't wake us. It worked like a charm. Sometimes kids just need reassurances at that age.

If you cannot get your daughter to go to bed at 7:30 I would try a later bed time. My 3 year old son has not had a 7:30 bedtime since before he was 18 months old. He gets really excited when his daddy and his brothers and sister get home from school. I would never be able to get him to sleep with his siblings still awake. He misses them all day.

All of my four children required different amounts of sleep. My three year old goes to bed at 9:00, sleeps through the night, and takes a two hour nap. If we have a baseball game for the older boys then it can be as late as 10 p.m. before he gets a bath and put to bed. When he goes to bed later he usually either sleeps later in the morning or he takes a three hour nap the next day.

When he wakes up in the middle of the night I let him get in bed with us. He usually only does this when his little arms and legs are cold or when there is a thunderstorm and he wakes up afraid.

K., have you heard of the Super Nanny? She has a show on TV and books on behavior training. I really wish I had had her advice when mine were little.
As far as the getting out of bed...if you give in, even once, you just told her "get up once more and Mommy will let you sleep with us." Who ever is the strongest, take over! If you can't or just don't have the energy,let your husband do it. It's OK!
You have to stay united or She Wins. Right now, it is no big deal, but in years to come...there will be BIGGER Issues, and they will lead to BIG FIGHTS between you and your husband. Believe me, I know this by experience; my husband and I have 5 (count them 5)daughters! Through the years, our girls have tried everything imaginable to get their own way.
Keep Abby sweet; be the parents and Stay the parents.. or Abby will take the lead...when you or you husband will not. Believe me, children are like predators; "they can smell fear and sense confusion."Ha!
Also, try to get a nap or at least a power nap(lay on the couch or across the bed while Abby plays nearby). This will take the edge off your day and you will be able to out last her..that is what it really is all about"out lasting her".I learned to take power naps Late in my child rearing...I thought it was (wrong/awefull) for me to lay down during the day. Why? I thought I had to be like all the other prefect Moms....perfect!!! I mean house keeping is never finished--I can't rest until it is done! Later, (when I became wiser) I realized...I just NEED a nap! HA! So, slow down every chance you can. Pile the laundry (several loads) up on the couch, hang and put away what will wrinkle, leave the rest; put your feet up, catch your breath and REST! watch for ways to rest during your day.
Also, start earlier in the day with the bed time routine,if at all possible. First start turning down the lights in the house, drawing the shades/blinds,darkening the house especially Abby's room. Get her dolly/stuffed animal/blanky. Have her to wash dollys face, and put her in a blanket. Have her to tuck teddy/dolly into bed "telling them it's bedtime". Start playing a soft CD or video at the end of the day. Keep sounds quiet and peaceful. Lower your voices and turn down the TV. These are all signs to Abby "It's time for bed."
Story time,snuggle & cuddle time can be Daddy reading while you are cooking supper and they can even read in the kitchen while you are cooking. Vise versa you read/ he cooks!!! Wow!!! Sounds Great Right???? You can read while dishes are being washed after supper. Be inventive. Spice things up! Speaking of spices...make hot cocoa and add just a pinch of nutmeg and stir it in well place in her sippy ...I don't know what or how this works,but it does!!! I tried it, and I have used it on my grandchildren(7) of them. I call it sleepy/dreamy cocoa. Sleepy for them/Dreamy for me! Ha! It usual takes 30 min/45 min to start working.Try it yourself you will wonder "Why haven't I tried this before now?"
If all else fails...GET A REALLY SMALL BED or Bribe Abby With A NICKEL, if she stays all night in her own bed. Make her give back the nickel if she doesn't! Told you, we've tried it all!!! Ha! LaDonna

i understand what you are going thru. i have 2 grandsons that live with me and my daughter. they are 5 and 3. i see that your bedtime for her is at 7:30 consistantly. consistance is good. i know they are young and you want to get them into that same routine everynight. i makes sure my grandsons are in bed at 9 pm everynight. and it works out very well. sometime we get the ocassional, "i need a drink of water" excuse, but no big deal. after that they are in bad and asleep. so i guess what i am saying is try making her bedtime a little later. i bet you get great results. thank you and good luck!! :)

Our daughter did the same thing. We called it her nightly stall routine. One of the things we did was to tell her she did not have to turn off the light. She could look at her books, play etc., but she could not come out of her room except to go to the bathroom. If she did then lights off. After about a week there was no problems. We put her to bed at 7:30 too. Some nights she did not fall asleep until almost 9:00, but eventually she would get tired of playing and put herself in bed. Soemtimes she would fall asleep on the floor where she was playing. But she is now almost 6 and she goes to bed at 7:30, but plays awhile, listens to her cd player, then puts herself to sleep. I think this way they have a little control, but you are restricting to room so it becomes a bedtime routine. It worked really well for us and ours is great sleeper. The middle of the night you just have to make her go back.

Don't give in!! You can do it, stay strong for her! She needs your discipline and boundries! I know that this is easier said then done but remember the reward is greater then the sacrifice!! When she needs something from you at night, you need to ignore her and know that it will NOT affect her in the long term. She is manipulating you! When she comes out of her room, turn her around and with out saying a word to her. Put her back in her bed and turn around and walk out. Do it over and over until she sees that she is not getting the desired response. Everything that she is doing is a delay tactic so that she does not have to go to bed. In the middle of the night when she comes into your room, take her right back to bed with out a word spoken or anything EVERY time. She will stop doing it within a few days. Just prepare yourself before bedtime and know that a few sleepless nights will be better for both of you in the end because she will no longer get out of bed!

My daughter started doing the same thing, so then my son decided to do it too. What I ended up doing, and it worked very well, was told them that they couldn't have a story if they got out of bed. but if they stayed in their bed the entire night they would get a story the next night. Worked like a charm, haven't had any problems since. :)

My daughter did some of this. The only thing that seemed to help is if my husband or I laid down with her and rubbed her back until she fell asleep. It may seem like a pain now, but having this time together is very fleeting. In another 10 years, she will be locking you out of the bedroom.

Don't back down or give in it may take an hour the first night but it will get better and she will understand that you mean business.

K.-
I have a 4 year old and have been in your shoes! I curbed the midnight visits by putting a babygate up at my son's door. Someone told me sometime that when a child cries at night (for no other reason), it often means they have to pee and can't 'wake up' enough to articulate that. I have found that to be a good rule of thumb, so I only indulge in potty breaks when he asks or cries. (This only happens rarely.)

My son also sleeps better with a noise maker. At first I used a nature CD of a babbling brook, and have also used an inexpenive white noise machine. My husband and I are hooked on the CD now also!!

Last, you may want to consider that your daughter is getting too much sleep. Every child is different, but you may want to play with this. When my son was 3, he took 1 nap in the afternoon and went to bed between 8-8:30, rising at about 7:00.

Best of luck you!!

K. H

Hey K., The book which I use in my practice and highly recommend is: "Solve your Child's Sleep Problems" by Dr. Farber.
It is great and should give you some very practical and sound advice.
Good Luck.
T. H.
Child Psychologist

Try putting her to bed 30 minutes earlier...sounds like by 7:30 she has already passed her "window".
You could also try putting a gate on her door. It has worked very well with my two boys. Ages 3 and 2.
Good luck!!

1 2 3 Magic. The book will help with this behavior and others that will crop up as she strives for more independence and control over her environment (and you).

My son is the same age with similar patterns. We have put a gate on his door and that has worked. He was mad the first few nights.

my child (daughter)did the same thing. After reading or bedtime ritual..turn on the night light and turn off all distractions..sit at the edge of the bed or on the floor, very quitely and just be in the room. Do not respond to fussing, questions or requests (although every now and then you may have to put your finger to your mouth and ssshhhh her. The first night let her know you'll be there til she falls asleep and let her know if she is disruptive you'll have to leave the room and you'll return when she's quite, let her know you'll be listening..the first few nights, quaranteed you'll almost fall asleep before she does....but sticking to the pattern she'll trust you'll be there til she goes to sleep and within a week it will only be minutes of your time til you have your evening. It took about 3 weeks before I no longer had to go into the room and sit. Each week I would sit closer to the door. She started to trust mommy was just outside the door. Hint...listen for deep or change in breathing before trying to leave the room...it will set you back if they catch you sneaking out. This is just a cased of separation anxiety at night, she gets up to really check if your still there at night, this procedure builds trust and it will pass. good luck

the secret is that you cant give in. it may take several nights of you taking her back to her bed, but she will get it. you also cant give lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles when you take her back to bed. she will keep coming out just for the hugs, kisses and cuddles. that is the hard part. you will get less sleep for a week or so, but in the end everyone will be getting more sleep. and i want to say good job on the 7:30 bed time. i always feel so bad when i see people putting there babies to bed at 9,10 or latter. my 5 year old goes to bed at 7:30 and her 10 month old brother goes to bed at 6 or 6:30. way to go.