Skin Color and Biracial Identity

It is strange how children bring out more subtle assumptions. My nurse told me that she has the same problem because she is dark and her son is light-skinned. I have another friend who is extremely fair and married to a man from India. She used to get questions about whether she adopted her children. So, assumptions seemed to be that dark-skinned women would be nannies and light-skinned women would have adopted a child of color. I think we are moving to a time when people will just realize that "race" is not such a fixed concept and people love other people of different races or ethinic backgrounds all the time. In a similar way, I got pregnant with the help of an egg donor. People are always trying to find the family resemblances, which is okay because my adult niece was the donor. But I also realize how insensitive it can be for people to go on about these things when a child might be adopted or otherwise brought into a family. I agree that thinking of a stock answer would be helpful for you. And the most clarity on your son's medical forms would help doctors think of any and all applicable diseases. I would mark "other" and explain. As he gets older, there may be diseases more common among white people that the doctor should also consider.

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It's frustrating that these comments are still made, when we have so many blended families and so many cross-racial adoptions. There are so many interractial marriages, so many people with adopted children from other lands who clearly are not of the same genetic or ethnic make-up. And people still question adoptive parents as if they aren't the parents! I think your situation has an added tone of racism because you are black and there is an assumption of being in service as a caregiver. These people MIGHT say the same thing if they saw you in the kitchen preparing meals! On the other hand, at least they are open and asking questions, so you have a chance to enlighten them. You could take the straightforward approach and say "I'm the mom". Another thing you can do is ask in a somewhat bewildered and quizzical way, "Excuse me. I don't understand. Why do you ask if I'm the nanny?" Do it without any challenge in your voice and then wait for them to answer - it may help them identify their underlying, though inadvertent, prejudices and assumptions.

We are Jewish, but we have a very nondescript last name, so we are often around when people tell a Jewish joke or make a disparaging remark about Jews. Hard to believe that these things still go on in the 21st century, but they do! So we just sit there and don't laught, and then we ask innocently, "I don't get it. Am I missing something?" Then the person explains the joke and we say, "I still don't get it. Are you saying Jews are _________?" (Greedy, whatever). Usually they stammer and say "oh not really" and "I guess you're right, it isn't that funny" - otherwise we say, "Gee in our synagogue, there are 500 Jewish and interfaith families, and we haven't found that to be true at all." They realize they are engaging in old habits of making generalizations.

My stepdaughter is white but has 2 children - one is like your son, 1/4 black, as his father was biracial. Her daughter is multiracial because her father is black and Puerto Rican. She puts "other" or "multiracial" on their school forms because the kids both have skin color and other features that makes it clear they are mixed race, and she wants identification to be easier if any emergency happens like they get lost or whatever. Also she doesn't want them to deny their heritage or not understand that they have relatives who appear very different from them - their white relatives happen to have very light skin, and their black relatives are very dark skinned. On the medical forms, there is usually a place to put more details and that is where you would indicate concerns about sickle cell and other conditions.

I give blood regularly and there is a block for racial identification - in addition to all of the main categories (including Native American/Alaska native and Pacific Islander), there is a "biracial" block and a block for "other". I don't know how much screening they do for genetic conditions - but later in life that might be something your child will face.

Remember that colleges and employers and many other groups are trying to increase their diversity in order to meet federal standards, so there are other reasons for you and your child to identify as what you are not just as what you appear to be.

As your child gets older, you will find much more diversity in school and playgroups, and I hope this will make you feel more comfortable with fewer silly or just inexperienced people. Most of them don't intend to be mean but they are just repeating things they were brought up with. Use it as a chance to show them your pride and confidence, and don't let them bring you down.

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A.,

Oh, the stories I could tell you. I am multi-racial--chinese grandmother, Hawaiian great grandmother, island indian, east indian, Scotts, English and (we suspect Cape Verdian) and more. I'm from the caribbean where I blended, came to Louisiana where suddenly everyone wanted to pin me down to one race, guess which one. Whenever people meet me they wonder what my race is or they assume that I am the prevalent minority where they are -- in Florida I'm Latina, in Hawaiia I'm Hawaiian, I've been taken for a mixed Aborigine, mixed Native American, and I could go on.

My husband is white, Scotts & English--a yankee.

I have eight year old boy-girl twins. My son has blond hair my daughter caramel colored hair. Both have gorgeous wavy/curly hair. Both are a light honey complexion. One time a neighbor's mother asked my husband if my kids had been out in the sun a lot. He said with a grin, "All the time. Night time, too."

I have been the nanny, the maid, and more.

My friend who is half vietnamese (born there) and 1/2 not sure what, her husband is white. HER kids look more mixed and have been mistaken as mine. She's been the nanny and maid, too.

I could go on. But what I do most of all is laugh. People aren't making these mistakes because they're being racist or mean, they're doing it because they notice and they are interacting and dont have the experience to deal with this situation. I learned there were three types of people those who *assumed* and therefore treated you according to the stereotypes they had in mind and those who asked, bumbled, made mistakes, but were open to the uniqueness of your situation. (The third are the really racist, but that's another email.) If someone makes a mistake, don't assume they mean it in a bad way. It's too hard on YOU to walk around with a negative attitude. Gently correct them. 98% of the time, they just don't know any better. Most people want to learn because they realize they're in a quickly changing world.

As for the doctor thing... You have a relationship with your doctor and your children's doctor. Your children's doctor knows enough from having met you to run the right tests. The medical forms are for insurances and statisticians, you do not have a relationship with them. To my knowledge, no emergency room doctor or temporary doctor is going to need to know your child's race in order to treat an emergency situation. Put what you feel comfortable putting on the form.

I usually put "other" for myself and my kids. Why? Because if someone needs more information, I want them to ASK, not assume.

When it comes to non-medical forms, mix if up. Have fun. It doesn't matter.

I once sat down to do an EKG where the computer needed my race but didn't have the option of "other." What does an EKG machine need my race for???? I said Eskimo. I got the same read out as the last time.

We live in a world, where people are going to try to put people of mixed race into one category or another, but we dont fit. Culturally we don't fit. Medically we don't fit.

AND unfortunately, there are people who try to apply race in a medical situation. They look to race for the answer, and that means sometimes they miss other things.

The fact is everyone should be checked for all of these "genetic" things. Because more people are mixed than they realized. The medical profession just hasn't caught up with that fact.

Sorry for the long email response. I hope it helped.

Your beautiful baby boy is blessed. He will be able to transcend racial and cultural limits in a very unique way. Enjoy the experience with him.

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I think you deal with ignorance with knowledge.

Someone who is asking you about your child wants to engage you & to learn. Have some compassion for people who are curious. I don't think making them feel uncomfortable will make people more understanding, do you?

Someone asking if you are the nanny is simply testing their world based on their current knowledge. You are there to remind them their world is much richer & more magnificent then they realize.

If you want your son to grow up in a world that has an appreciation & love for who he is as a unique individual, then allow people to know, appreciate & love who he is now.

Congratulations on your beautiful boy.

Hi A.,

Everyone else said most of what I would have said. I hope most of the time you are able to let these comments roll off you.

I also have noticed that if it's a white person with a darker child, they assume the child is adopted; if it's a darker woman with a lighter child, they assume she's a caretaker.

And then sometimes people have no idea what to make of my husband, who is African with our baby, who is a little white girl version of him--same face different color. They ask!

But as accustomed as I am to mixed families, sometimes I have no idea what the relationship is between a child and adult, and basically I have come upon saying "Is s/he yours?"

Which lets me know if they belong together (sometimes I want to comment on something nice the kid did, or to return a dropped toy or whatever), and leaves it open for the adult to explain the relationship in her/his own terms.

I always check all the boxes on racial identity that apply, for the reason you mention.

Hey A....I go through the same thing on a regular basis. People have even said to me that adoption is such a great thing and I should be so proud! I'm half white, half hispanic, but I have red hair, green eyes and very light skin. My husband is Vietnamese, so my daughter is hispanic, white and asian but she has dark hair, olive skin and green eyes. I think nowadays there are so many inter-racial relationships that people shouldn't really assume anything! I just respond by smiling and then asking "what makes you think she's not my biological child?" and that usually stops the questions. As far as the hospital forms go - I put down all of the races that she is because I wouldn't want the dr's to not look for something that they would have if they knew she had a mixed background.

Hi A., My sister and I have the same ethnicity as your son but she's got the lighter skin and mine is darker so I can relate. I've learned that people ask all kinds of questions, make all kinds of comments and the majority of the time, there is no malice intended. I just let it role off my back. I think that sometimes I must've said something to offend someone else. I think we're all just trying to understand the world we live in. I've seen women at the park with kids and I never know who's a caretaker, who's a grandmother and who's a mother and race has nothing to do with it.

Maybe you can just respong with some kind of comment like "no, he's lucky to have mixed heritage" and then briefly explain or make some kind of joke. The funny thing for me now is that as an adult I often run into people who try to guess my heritage. EVERY group, white & non-white, thinks I belong to them (well, maybe not the Asians) and I think it's funny and honoring that they'd all like to claim me.

As far as the forms go...that's always bugged me. I think it depends on the purpose. For medical forms, I'd check off more than one but if you're only allowed one, I'd check other so it will encourage them to look into it. Your son's doctor will know him and I don't think they really even look at those forms. They rely much more on the verbal family history you give them. If it's forms for the government, schools, employment, etc. I get offended because I really don't think it should matter. It's just my personal opinion but if we're trying to teach that race/color doesn't matter, then why do we need to put so much emphasis on it? I just leave that box blank or check other.

Things will get really interesting for your son when he
grows up and has children...

Hi, I am 1/2 Mexican and 1/2 Canadian ethnically. My dad who is the Mexican one had the same problem with mall security when he would watch my blond haired-blue eyed nephew. The saving grace is that although his skin tone was not passed on his facial structure was. You really do not have to defend yourself but maybe a one-line for all occasions would be helpful like--I wish we could afford a nanny, type thing. As for the check boxes. What I do is determine what the use of the box is for. For medical purposes I would pick African American since he does have those genetic traits. For purely statistical info I use other and for educational and employment I use Hispanic or other depending on my mood.

Either way rejoice in your best of both worlds child and good luck! Nat

I can understand how this can be upsetting. I am annoyed by things as small as people mistaking my granddaughter for a boy, even though I can see clearly how they might think this, since she had very little hair for a long time. Or wondering who I am, since I may be the the mother, but look a little old for that! I think the key is to respond very evenly and if possible, kindly, to people with the truth - "I am his mother." It is important to set the record straight. And to not take it personally if you can manage that. Consider it a gift to them that you are educating them on the subject. People are curious because it is a bit out of the ordinary. And be very honest on medical forms, even if you have to write a comment outside of the box.

Hi A.,
This has happened to me. My husband is Japanese and I am white. When first daughter was born she looked much more like daddy than me. We had friends, a Japanese couple, who also had a baby the same week and when we went out with them people would stop to admire our two babies and ask my Japanese friend "are they twins?" They would not even look at me and I always thought "Do they think I'm the nanny?" I've also had (usually older people) ask me when I was alone with her "was she born in this country?" or "where was she adopted from?" They thought she was an adopted Asian baby. Sometimes it irritated me, sometimes I just laughed and said she was born in Mass and I've got the stretch marks to prove it. I've been thinking about the race box too and haven't come up with a definate decision about how we'll handle it yet. Sometimes I check more then one box even if says only one. Best of luck to you and your boy. You are not alone! -C.

Hi A.,

You have the same problem as my niece who has a blonde blue eyed daughter. Although the father is Caucausian, it is a recessive gene from her African-American grandfather, whose mom was blonde and blue eyes. When she has had similiar questions/comments, she simply says, "I am her mom" and "Thank you" if they have given her daughter a compliment. When you see her you immediately think of Dakota Fanning.

Because of my background, I check 'Other' since Multiracial or Biracial is not on most forms.

As far as the medical history, as long as the doctors know, that should be sufficient. I am not familiar with the G6PD deficiency, however as he grows up, he needs to know he has the sickle cell trait because of the possibility of marrying someone with the trait therefore taking a chance their children will have the sickle cell disease. There is still no cure and I don't think enough research is being done.

Our adopted kids are black and bi-racial, but both are beautifully darker than I am :) I put African American for their race, and would for yours as well. I advise interested parties that they are adopted, that I am their mother, and that while not biological, they truly are brother and sister. Most folks are just looking to chat it up about the kids...it's never about us anymore :) The question that stung me was are you their grandmother!! I am 41, active, and barely wrinkled, but there it is...Most people are just curious, and would not want to ask you lots of mommy questions if you were not Mommy. Insensitive questions should just be ignored or laughed off if possible.

Hi, A.,

I'm black, but my mother's grandmother was white. She's told me stories of how she went places with her and people would do a double-take because they didn't understand what this little black girl was doing with this white woman. She said her grandmother wouldn't even entertain anyone who reacted that way - this was her granddaughter and that's all anyone needed to know. It's amazing how people comment on things that are not their concern. I'm also a pretty small woman and my son is pretty big for his age and I get the "Oh my god, he's SOOO big!!" comment every time someone asks me how old he is - they close their mouths after I tell them that my husband is 6'3" and 250 lbs! I know it's a different issue, but I know the feeling - I want to roll my eyes every time I hear it. I say hold your head up and let them know in a very direct way that you're the MOTHER, not the nanny.

I would think the race question depends on what you're most comfortable with - you could also not mark it all and then explain the situation to the doctor.

Audry, I have little patience with ignorance. If I were visibly half black and someone asked me if I were my child's nanny, I would counter with "Why do you ask that"? with a chuckle to put their stupid query in perspective.
Put them on the spot, yes? LOL
Or simply respond, I am his mother and that will put them on the spot as well as the sarcasm would.
It is possible they mean no harm but just want to talk with you and that is the first thing they thought to say.
I think it would be better on medical forms if you checked "mixed" for the reasons you stated, or african/american. ( which is silly, we are ALL americans..I do not call myself Irish American ,or Scottish American, or Irish, Scottish, Jamaican, Native American American)
There are medical conditions associated with race and docs can do a more thorough job if they are aware of this.
Otherwise, check what you are comfortable with...mixed is good.
Who cares?
I put mixed, I have one grammie who was Jaimacan, another who was NA..that makes me not quite 100% caucasian yes? And I think if anyone needed to know more they could simply ask me.
The questions you have asked have never occurred to me as something that would come up except in a medical context.
I am sorry in this day and age that you would even need to think about these things.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

I am 1/2 japanese 1/2 white, and my husband is white (brown hair). There are blond siblings in his family. Yes, I have gotten the nanny assumption, the adoption assumption, you name it. I confirm that I am the proud mother. To the resemblance remarks, usually I just shrug my shoulders and say, you never know what you're going to get, or something about uncles and aunts.
As for the forms, ask the secretary. Sometimes the race thing is used more for compiling statistics, or for whether services are being equally recommended regardless of race. (I have asked). I usually mark other. Anyway, sometimes there is a seperate place to fill in concerns about other health issues or questions.

Good luck,

Hi A.,

Hmmm I'd totally not feel funny at all - if people ask if you're the nanny, just tell them - Nope! I'm the MOM!!!! or some sarcastic remark - tasteful but make them feel awkward you know?

as far as the biracial thing goes - you're 1/2 & 1/2 and your hubby is white - so your child is 3/4 white & 1/4 black. I'd put down white on his dr. forms & if there's a 'notes' section or like 'anything we should know' then put that he's 1/4 black on there & mention the 'genetic conditions' that you're concerned about. =0) OR just ask the receptionist what to do. They're usually very kind & helpful as well. Good luck!!!!

Hi A.,
I'm also in awe of the fact that comments like this are still made in this day and age! When I lived in Spain, where people hire younger, English-speaking women to be nannies, I used to be asked if I my was son's nanny because I happened to look young and I spoke English to him. (The first few times I had no idea why anyone would assume this; later I caught on.)

I think you should simply say, "Not his nanny, I'm his mommy." It's really a ridiculous comment/question for people to make anyway, so there's no reason for you to explain anything. If you want to educate them kindly, you could do so.

On forms, you could check off both white and black, can't you? If you have to choose one or the other, I'd select Other. I've never understood why on those forms you have to pick one or the other. Nowadays almost everyone is more than one race!

I particularly like Sheryl's response. Her response spoke for me the most.

Of the six siblings in my family, we have in-laws that were born in Malaysia (Vietnamese/Chinese heritage), Turkey, Nigeria, plus in-laws born in the USA with British Isles, German, and Norwegian descent from way-back-when. My dad's second marriage was to an African-American woman. My siblings are as pasty-faced-white (blond hair, blue eyes) as they come. I truly believe that most people do not intend something negative when they ask questions. I thoroughly enjoy the mixture and actually enjoy the curious questions.

My sister is the only one I hear talk about the check-off part of forms when it comes to race. Sometimes she writes Black or African-American, sometimes White, sometimes both (even when they ask for just one), sometimes Other, sometimes she just doesn't fill that one in. It kind of depends on the whim of the day. She even picks a mix of choices at times when identifying her own race. Although she is thoroughly white, her life experience is very mixed with a very, very dark brown husband, two children from a previous marriage of his, their own medium-toned daughter, and two granddaughters.

I guess it really depends on the purpose of the race question. I guess I would either not answer it or choose other. But I think the form designers and statisticians need to broaden their options a bit to allow more than one choice.

I would use a little humor as you clarify that you're his mom from the get go--labor pains and all. Whatever works for you, and depending on how at ease you want to put the other person. I find that humor or a matter-of-fact response does the trick the best.

We had our son when I was almost 37 and my husband was 44, so we get the parent/grandparent question ourselves. Whether it's race or age, people are often curious.

Try not to take it personally, with so many adoptions (even Chinese moms get asked if their child is adopted!) and blended families around..just smile and say 'No, he is mine'

I am getting asked if I am my sons 'grandma' as I had him at 39 and beleive me..that is worse! ha ha if you look young enough to be called the Nanny enjoy it!

Maybe you should talk with your Peditrician to answer what to put on the forms for your sons best health interest. My son was a preemie and has issues that are understood once you know and I have to inform his teachers as I know they are not reading his history.

You need to fill out paperwork in the best way for his health history. If your husband has to take him to the doctor or the ER someone could overlook his health issues if he is not listed a certain way?? maybe??

Hi A.,
Just wanted to say that people in general say stupid things. My first reaction is to say something sarcastic back to them, but it won't really do anyone any good. The reality is if you just say " No I'm his mother " the person will feel bad enough. As for medical forms I would mark other & write in your info. Or next time you are at the dr. ask them what is the best choice to mark.
I am not biracial, so I can't commment on how you should feel about these comments but I try not to let ignorant comments bother me. Good luck & enjoy your little one- they grow so fast.

as far as the comments go i would say proudly no i am his mother and leave it at that.some people just don'tget that we are all human and shouldn;t look at the color of someones skin but such as a world we live in.be proud of your beautiful son. don't worry what others comment.goodluck

Hi A.,

Personally, I think it is rude and an indication of ignorance to question anyone because they don't think a child looks like the parent.

That being said it is very possible that despite bad manners, people are simply curious. I think you should answer however you feel most comfortable; which includes ignoring the comment if you don't want to answer.

As far as those forms are concerned. Go with your gut. Most Americans are of mixed ethnicity. If you identify with one particular race, by all means choose that race. Personally, I write "human race".

Those forms are for information only. I just think any question which emphasizes race, perpetuates racism. This is simply my personal feeling. I think you should do what feels right to you.

Obviously, you would want to be more specific with health care providers, but in general, the question of race is simply a matter of demographics. Some schools etc. get additional federal/state funds if they have a high minority census. I still prefer not to label people.

J. L.

That is awful that people say those things to you.
Someone once said (maybe Ann Landers..) to answer such inappropriate questions with a question like, "Why do you want to know?" Maybe even saying, "Excuse me?" It may give them the opportunity to see how stupid that question is. Or cute like, "Well, I'd say he favors my side of the family!"

As to the race question.. it depends. Medical, I'd do what ever would most favor your son's health so that special attention is payed to critical issues.
Any thing where race SHOULDN'T matter: I'd mark refuse to answer.... I refuse to answer and I'm white. My reasoning is I'm from the same race as everyone else.. the human race!

Good luck!