Sisters Fighting and Manipulating Each Other Constantly

Listen to SM's advice!!! She's got some great advice there - get tough, demand respect (remember, if someone doesn't respect others they won't demand respect for themselves!). DO NOT ALLOW them to treat each other that way.

I send my daughters to their rooms and leave them there (they end up befriending each other from doorway to doorway) and it is over, but as SOON as it starts, I tell them I will NOT put up with it, and the second note of discontent, to their rooms it is. I will not have it.

They are 6 and 3, and they can quickly come unraveled if I let it, but they are quite nice to each other most times.

Good luck!

I think alot of what you see is normal sibling stuff. My sister and
I are the same distance apart, and I don't remember getting along with her until I moved out after high school. As they get a little older, they'll have different friends---right now they pretty much only have each other. As far as helping them get along, I'd keep doing what you're doing---emphasize how to be a good person to others, including each other. Do not accept rude or angry behavior from either one. Pick one form of punishment and stick to it UNTIL it works---nothing works at first because they test you. Manners are taught, so insist they say please and thank you to everyone for everything.(if you're not already) They both probably feel they're getting less attention from you since the baby came, so some individual time with you, and maybe some outings without the baby, would go a long way to create a bond between them.Good luck. It could be worse---they could be boys!

The manipulation you describe is common among young children who are not siblings, too. They're experimenting with anything they can try to get the results they want. Ah, human nature.

I've known several young families who use the book Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish, with very good results. I personally use and love another book by the same authors called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The techniques are practical, realistic, respectful and effective! Good luck.

I firmly believe you need to punish them for taling to each other that way and for laying hands on one another. I mean serious "go to your room" or "lose toys" punishement.

But a very important part of that is planning. They are learnign to negotiate this stuff and some of the rules of battle are not clear to them. Some behaviors are off limits. They will alwats get mad at each other but they need to learn how to fight loveingly.

First, in a moment of peace, sit them down and say "Here si a list of the things we dont' ever say to each other becaue it is hurtful and unkind." Second, "Here are some things we can say when we are angry/ frustrated with each other." They need to very clearly know what you will not accept.

Also, consider banning them from playing together. They will hate that and ally themselves against you :)

I have six year old and she is somewhat devious about it - she will say to her toddler sister, basically, if you don't do it my way, "you are going to play all by yourself." Very calm and logical - but really mean. She gets sent to her room, no toys. And it is working.

By the way, we only have a hitting or pushing espisode once or twice a year, mostly by the toddler, but that is completely out of bounds at our houe. I didn't allow my older one to play with any toys or watch any tv for a week the time she pushed her baby sister. Consequences!!

I don't think fighting at age 4-5 means they won't be friends. But you need to structure the relationship and dialog at this age. If you don't step in an d put a stop to the nonsense and simple meanness, then they will never develop the skills to deal with each other and other girls - and THEN they will not be friends. Get tough.

Yeah... Not really abnormal. Wait until they're teens and having hormone rollercoaster rides.

Separate them as soon as it starts. One to one room and one to the other. You need your sanity!

my daughter & my niece are are 6 & 5 & they used to do this too...i told the girls that we do NOT talk this way to any one much less those we love. they are not allowed to say phrases like "if you dont we aren't friends anymore" if i hear it then they get a punishment (first time time-out, then take toys away, then grounding) they are way too young to talk like this & treat others this way, it is unacceptable & if you don't put an end to it now what will it be like when they are teens? my sister & i are 2 yrs apart & we were never allowed to treat each other this way (nor anyone else)...i would say that you talk to them & keep reinforcing good behavior... how would you handle it if they were disrespectful to you or a teacher? its the same kind of thing, disrespect is not allowed.

HI,

I embarrassed to say this, but I sound like your daughters when I was younger. My sister and I, 18 months apart still do not particularly like each other. I am 37.

I think you have some great advice and I sometimes wish my parents would have utilized some of the suggestions offered, perhaps things may be different.
One thing my parents always did do, was say we had to be friends and forced us to be together. I, having gone through this, would caution you against it. For the simple fact that I think it made us hate each other more. I think there are reasons we are family members, to learn things from each other and I truly believed we are placed together for reasons. That being said, I do believe that you should not be forced to like each pther or be friends. I DO think you should RESPECT each other and treat/speak to each other respectfully. But being forced to be friends and do things together is the wrong way to go about it. Like I said, it definitely did not make us not like each other more because we were forced to be together when we really just needed a break.

I understand I may be the minority here with the feedback provided and I hope I dont receive lots of negative comments. This was just my path and my observations on what I experienced in my life and how, looking back, I think it could have been handled differently and how I would have liked it to be handled instead.

Good luck to you and it is so nice to see you asking for advice on making their relationship stronger.

B.

Hi there!
Wow, i can tell that you really have your hands full! =) It is so awesome that you recognized this at this stage of their lives and even more awesome that you are refusing to overlook it. Youre a great mommy!! =) I recently read a book that really really REALLY helped me with the children. It opened my eyes to an awesome approach at discipling our children's little hearts- and the results have been PHENOMENAL!! I highly reccommend this book by Ted Tripp. It's called "Sheparding the Heart of A Child". It will give you so much wisdom as a mom to your children AND just understanding of yourself as a person. I hope that it will be just as helpful to you as it was to me and all the other parents that have read it. God bless you and your children!
~A.

I know this stinks, but they are definitely at that age when this kind of behavior is common. I remember doing it to my best friend when I was that age ("I'm not going to play with you for...30 days!"). Granted, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with as a parent. My son (now 7) did the same thing when he was 5 and 6. I was so worried that he wouldn't ever develop a conscience! Like your daughter, he never showed remorse, didn't care if he got punished, never thought through his actions BEFORE acting, etc.

He's doing a bit better now. Much of it was taught through role playing, sort of. Sitting with your daughter and talking through how she would feel in situation X, Y or Z and would she want someone else to feel that way? It's hard to create that kind of empathy, but the more you talk calmly about it with her (when not in the heat of battle), it will gradually sink in and hopefully attitudes will change over time.

My sister and I were pretty close in age, too, and I remember fighting like cats and dogs with her about everything. I always wanted to play with her and her friends, borrow her clothes, plus we shared a room so we were ALWAYS together. My mom would make sure we got separated often and would force us to work/play independently so that there wouldn't be those triggers. Then, when we both wanted to be together, we could without wanting to tear each others eyes out. We did end up ok and now that we're grown ups, we really like each other and can't get enough of hanging out together. What a change from when we were little!

Best of luck with you and these challenges! This, too, shall pass...but my oh my, how it stinks to get there!!

I am in the same boat and my kids are 5, 3 and 11 months old. Oldest is a girl and then the two boys. The same thing happens and yes we get weary always having to referee....The only thing that seems to work with them is action/consequence. They do each get time outs if hitting, kicking etc. happens. Seems to get worse when they are tired so we look for the signs that either a nap is needed or ok 1/2 hour earlier bedtime at night. My daughter is at that mouthy stage as well. I've done the tap of my finger on her lips and then to the corner for time out. She does not like that. I've also turned off the cartoons. Is your discipline consistant and do you follow-through with your action? I know its hard believe me

Otherwise, we've at times separated them to play and they don't like it. I do think that it is part of the stage of development. Consistancy seems to work best..I hope it helps you.

My kids are very young, and boys, so I can't really speak from a parent's perspective, but I grew up in a house with six girls (I was number three), so I can relate in that way.

Several of my sisters HATED each other growing up. Our parents tried some things to work this issue out, but they wouldn't stick with. For example, they made two of them be "buddies" at home so that the two buddies would have to do their chores together, homework together, etc. so that they would have to learn to get along, but it only lasted a day or two and then my parents dropped it. I think if they had stuck with it (or something else), the girls might have been able to work out their differences at least a little -- at least to see that the other one isn't completely horrible.

My nephew used to tell me he wouldn't be my friend if I didn't play certain games with him. I would just say, "That's okay. I have lots of friends," and that would be the end of that. Maybe your younger daughter could be taught to say some things like that -- to show some independence and confidence.

Some people have recommended the book Sibling Rivalry for situations like this. I haven't read it, but maybe it would be helpful.

Good luck. I wish my parents had taken my sisters' situation more seriously. Two of them never spoke until about five years ago when they had kids the same age and wanted the cousins to know each other. The other two only started speaking about six months ago (they are aged 38 and 31) when one of them went through a traumatic experience and the other one called her. I'm not trying to be alarming, but please don't give up on trying to help them get along. It seems like it would be easier to deal with now than when they are older and are used to treating each other this way.