Sisters Fighting

Hi,
I have six children and what we did was introduced the "cooler". This was a room in the house that was uncomfortable and a place you didn't want to be. We used the bathroom as our cooler. Our rule has always been no contention in the home, not always easy with a large family. When there was contention the parties involved got sent to the cooler, each having there own cooler. Usually it only involved 2 people and we always had a home with 2 bathrooms. They would have to go to the cooler and think about what they did, pray about it, calm down and figure out a way to work it out with the other person involved. They were not allowed to come out until they were able to do this. This worked really well. With a 2 year old you will want a different room than a bathroom because she would probably get into too many things. We never asked or worried about who started it, they both got sent to the cooler and had to stay until they could work it out with each other. Our two youngest are now 14 and 16 years old and we had to talk with them the other night because of some contention between them. We let them know that if they didn't stop the contention we would put the cooler back in place. I know you situation is a little different having them 3 1/2 years apart it makes it harder for them to enjoy the same things. My youngest two growing up were either loving each other or out to get the other. They would go thru stages. I would work with the older one on not teasing so much, it is a hard thing to get through to them. Another thing we did was called the poker chip system where they would have to earn poker chips for good behavior and they had to cash them in for things they liked to do (i.e. favorite tv show, go to a friends, etc.) They would loose chips for bad behavior. This would work well with the ages of your daughters. Focusing on the positive behavior and rewarding that will help them to stop focusing on the bad. It will give them something to work towards with a reward. My peditrician gave this to me when my oldest was diagnoised with mild ADD and it helped us to be more focused on accomplishing good tasks and not on fighting the bad behavior so much. I think I sill have the papers somewhere and I could get them to you if you would like. you can email me at ____@____.com Good luck and hang in there.

Sibling rivalry is normal, but it sounds more like the 6 year old is jealous. Has something changed recently in their lives? Instead of working with the bad, work with the good. Every time something is done good, praise, reward, compliment. Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention and she may just be wanting attention. Perhaps take the 6 year old out for special time. Talk about her being the big sister and needs to protect her little sister from bad things. She looks up to her and positive reinforcements. Good luck and God Bless.

Ah, the life of being a mother of more than one child!

This sounds basically normal -- not fun, but pretty standard -- for sibling rivalry. You should probably realize that your cherished idea of what it would mean to have a sibling was a "pie in the sky" version of siblinghood, not necessarily realistic. Yes, siblings can be great friends; but they are also people who know how to push your buttons worse than anyone else in the world. And why not? They've known you your whole life!

I was the youngest of four, and was teased badly by all my siblings, and I know how badly that hurts, so I would suggest you put a stop to your older daughter's behavior. Talk to her about it, try to get her to be able to feel what your younger daughter must feel when being teased (it ain't fun!), and see if you can get her to sympathize with her feelings, which will help her stop. She's old enough you can reason with her... but still young enough to be punished for teasing. The thing you've got to watch out for is her ramping up the teasing in retaliation for getting into trouble, so you may have several days or even a few weeks of sitting right on top of them, "re-adjusting" habits. Let's face it, it's fun to tease, and to push buttons, and to get your younger siblings to cry at whim. Fun for you, not for them. Part of your solution is to make it un-fun for her.

Your younger daughter may not be quite old enough to be reasoned with, but perhaps you can bring some of this down to her level, and see if you can work on her part of the problem.

At the least, give them both some space -- I've noticed my two boys (ages 3 & 5) do better in general when they have some breathing room. They share a room and sleep in the same bed (they even have both said that they "can't sleep" without the other one), so I'm not saying they have to have separate bedrooms. But you can get them involved in different activities -- your older girl can play a computer game while your younger daughter can play with her dolls. In separate rooms. They may just be having a bit too much togetherness.

I have two daughters, 8 and 10, and there have been some fighting issues over the years. Things have improved greatly over the past year or two, and I'll tell you what has helped me.

1. Prayer (always #1 on my list because it yields results). Turn it over to the higher authority and pray for wisdom in what to do.

2. Your older daughter needs some special time just for her. Let her know that you need some help with something VERY important, from a big girl, something she would enjoy doing (helping you make cookies, go shopping, or something that she likes). However, tell her that she can't help with this special thing unless she is extra kind to her sister, because she won't be able to help with this. This tactic has worked wonders. I also make it a point to do special things with the younger one, too.

3. Talk about how you always wanted two daughters, because you didn't have a sister. Tell a story about two sisters who grew up being very close to each other, and remained best friends until they died at a very old age. I talked to my daughters about my sisters and me, and shared the story of my grandmother and aunt, two sisters who lived only miles from each other their whole lives, yet their personalities were very different.

4. Let them know that it's okay to have different likes and interests. They don't always have to have the same things. Help them embrace their differences and compliment each other on things. Make it a habit, before dinner maybe, to find something they like about each other before eating (your younger is too young for this but it will work when she gets older).

5. When you do something special for one, like celebrate a birthday, don't completely ignore the other. Remind them that they will have a special day of their own and that sharing in the other's special day will make it better for them when it is their special day. If someone is complimenting the little one (people tend to do that and neglect the older), then turn to the older and say, "and she's my helpful big girl and I'm so PROUD of her, too."

6. The minute your older daughter gets physical, remove whatever she was using from her hand, and take it away for at least a month. Separate them for 30 minutes. Every day that this happens, remind her that night about what happened and why it has to stop. Make a chart where she gets a sticker for every day that she has been kind to her sister, with a reward given to her after so many stickers. This ALWAYS works well for us. No voice raising needed. If she is doing physical things to her sister and picking on her so often that it is hard for her to not do it even once per day, then put a scary, monster-looking sticker on her chart every time she acts more like a bully. When she does something nice, negate the other sticker with one of her favorite characters. Put the nice sticker right over the not-nice sticker. My older daughter went through a brief phase where she would pinch and push. After using the "nice" and "not nice" stickers, the bad behavior improved quickly. The fights aren't gone completely these days, but they are hardly ever physical. If my older daughter pinches, she loses one of her most prized toys forever. I've rarely had to do it.

7. When my daughters were in regular school (they are homeschooled now), there was a LOT more fighting when she got out of school. Pressure to behave well at school (she always did) and being ordered around or dominated by more aggressive personalities often made her want to take things out on her sister. The fighting was reduced considerably when we started homeschooling. Homeschooling is NOT for everyone, but I just wanted to let you know how much it has improved sibling relations for us. They are truly best friends and understand how important they are to each other. In another few years, hopefully your older daughter will start to appreciate her sister more. Because of the bigger age difference, it will be a bit more challenging for them to have as much in common and ability-wise, but it can be done. My sisters were both 4 years apart in age from me (I was in the middle). We are all very close now. You can remind your two that when sisters grow up, sometimes they end up being best friends.

8. A family therapist would be helpful if things don't improve. I was planning on taking mine to one, but things worked themselves out without it. Give it a few months to a year to see if you can help improve things without resorting to the time spent and cost of that.

9. Oh, one more thing. Try letting your older daughter be the "referee" when there is a fight or disagreement. Read books or talk about what is fair with her to help her be a good referee.

10. I agree with the poster who said to keep the little one in your sight at all times so your older daughter will be less likely to lash out on her. Another poster said that they know what they are doing. Kids sometimes thrive on the negative attention so let them know that you're in charge and calmly separate them. Keeping the older one bored in a room might make her less likely to pick on the little sister next time.

Blessings to you,
S.

I thought everyone else gave great advice, but my initial concern is for the 2 year old because I'm afraid she cannot defend herself well from a 6 year old. I think, for awhile, I would be tempted to take one of them with me if I had to leave the room - even the bathroom. I would alternate who I took and explain that it is because you can't trust them not to start fighting and until they can show they can get along you can't leave them alone together.

Also, is there a reason for your 6 year olds' anger issues? If so, maybe she needs to talk to someone - a therapist that works with young kids.

Read the book Siblings Without Rivalry. It has amazing advice that absolutely changed our family dynamic. I have four kids and, although not perfect, their relationships are SO much better after following the advice. It is an easy read and you should be able to get it from the library. Good luck!!!

I read this and it brought back memories of me and my sister. We were the best of friends and the worst of enemies. I sure do love her. I have 4 little scar marks on my left shoulder from her digging her nails into my flesh until she drew blood. I love that scar!! LOL!!

Dear, Dear E.,
Believe me, these girls KNOW that you are at your wits' end, and they are taking full advantage of it! You must somehow DECIDE and BELIEVE -- once and for all -- that you are IN CHARGE and simply stop them. Watch a couple Supernanny or Nanny 911 shows and MAKE them sit in time-out even if you have to put them there 55 times each. YOU must take control of this NOW or imagine when they're 17 and 14!

I imagine that you are a 'phlegmatic' (and I'm not calling you names! LOL It's a temperament/personality type that's very laid back and easygoing) and/or melancholy (perfectionist, negative, focused on 'how things should be'); and your girls are probably partly sanguine (little actresses, love attention, flighty) and/or choleric (take-charge, bossy, controlling). This makes for a more difficult parenting scene, but you CAN do it! You are the mom, and that needs to be established. You don't have to be 'mean'. You only have to MEAN what you SAY (and make it happen).

God bless and keep sweet (while being FIRM)!

The first thing I would do is when she taunts and sings she is getting something and the younger one is not, I would say to her, "now you are not getting it either" and tell her that when she can be nice to her sister, things will change. I also heard from a mom of 7 kids that when her kids fight she makes them sit down and hold hands until they make up. My kids are very close at 6 and 4 and when they do fight or disagree, I separate them and tell them they will sit in their rooms by themselves and read or color or do puzzles until they can be nice to each other. I think your older one needs some disciplining before she gets out of hand. Out of all my friends none of their kids fight that bad so I am not sure it is normal. Maybe your oldest is jealous? She is teaching your youngest to be mean and fight. I would start taking privledges away, not just toys. The next time you go somewhere fun, maybe she needs to stay home with daddy. You need to constantly remind her the way she should act and really, handle those anger issues. Maybe talk to her doctor for ideas.

Here's something we do at our house whenever two kids are fighting. Please keep in mind, it takes practice and consistency but even a two-year-old can learn to do this:

Both kids have to sit on a bench (or the stairs) right next to each other. It's important that they share the bench or stair so tell them they can't go anywhere until they sit together and work this out. Next, you tell them since they were fighting, that means BOTH of them did something wrong. One at a time, they must tell you what THEY did wrong - careful to stop them when they try to tell you what the other person did wrong. It's hard at first, because everyone wants to blame the other person. Then, they must tell you what they should do next time instead of hitting or screaming or whatever it was they did wrong. This is where you might need to give suggestions at first - e.g. I should have asked her before I took her doll, or I should have asked her nicely to stop banging the drum. Finally, they must give each other a hug and say I'm sorry before they can both get up. It can be a long process, but it's really important to help them learn to communicate about their differences.

The best advice I can give you is to go to the library and get books written by John Rosemond and follow his ideas.
Your children aren't happy acting like this, you aren't happy living in it, so make a change! It will get worse before they figure out that you really mean it, but give it two straight consistent weeks and you will be amazed.
Good luck!

I understand my girls are now 17 and 14. Their was a time when they were litte that they were absolute best friends and always loved and cared for one another but as soon as my oldest turned about 7 the started having horrible fights. My oldest pulled her sisters arm out of the socket by swinging her around real hard, She poked her in the eye and caused an eye doctor visit and a patch over her eye for a few days. I could go on and on. All this was between 7 & 4 and 14 & 11 years old. Once my oldest daughter became a teenager and her sister started getting taller than her the fighting slowed down. I have not had any problems out of them now in a few years. It was really bad to the point I felt like she was abusing her little sister.
Oh, I did make them wear signs that said " I Love my Sister" around their neck and stand outside on the driveway for people to see for about 5-10 minutes - They had to hug one another and state they were sorry. I know it sounds crazy but it actually would work. They often laugh about that.
Good luck.
A. B
A little about me:
I am 44 yrs old and a Mother of 5, 3 step children and my two daughters 17 and 14 yrs old.

I seperate mine and give them chores. Like washing bathroom mirrors, washing dishes, folding clothes and vaccuming. Cures it quickly. If they continue with the "bickering" I give them more until they stop.

Can you make a recording of them fighting? If you can, let them listen/watch it. They may not realize how bad it is. It also sounds like you have sibling rivalary going on. I would sit down in a family meeting and discuss the fighting,yelling, taunting etc... I would set down clear boundaries (rules) then consequences. Make sure you follow through. You don't mention if you're married. If you are and fight/argue/yell with your spouse or significant other your children will do as you do,not as you say. So if you are a person who screams/yells/ throws things when you're upset you will have to change your ways first before you can expect the girls to change. God Bless!