June 04, 2010,
A.G. asks from Denver, CO on June 03, 2010
So, I usually ask parenting advice, but I just need to know what you all would do in a similar situation. My sister had my niece when she was 18 years old, and during her whole pregnancy, I was really her only friend. I was 14 at the time. Then, during the first four years of my niece's life (which coincided with my high school years), I helped my sister raise my niece. I was also often my sister's "date" since her boyfriend left her and most of her friends abandoned her as well. So needless to say, the three of us (me, my sister, and my niece) were extremely close --like our own little family--until I left to college and my sister met her husband. (However, I've always been very involved with my niece and my sister's family.) Now, fast forward to my niece's high school graduation just a few weeks ago. She had planned a senior trip with her friends before they all went their separate ways to different colleges, but plans fell through. So, my sister decided to take her on a trip to SoCal. And did they think to include me? Nope. Instead, they go with my sister's old high school friend who has been close since they reunited on Facebook. I am just heartbroken. When my niece's plans changed for her trip with friends, my sister just told me that they were going with her other friend. Didn't even ask if I would've like to join them. So now, they keep texting me messages about all the fun they're having and sending me pictures on my phone. I have just been deleting them because I don't want to cause drama while they're having fun, but I would really like to tell her how I feel. What should I do?
S.H. answers from Honolulu on June 03, 2010
I know it really hurts.... and after all you have done as a loving sister/Aunty.
But well, sometimes, people can make other plans... with others.
And its okay.
I am sure your sister did not mean it as a personal affront to you nor to hurt you.... unless she is typically a 'mean' person toward you.
How is your sister overall, toward you? Nice? Appreciative? Kind? Thoughtful? Respectful? If so, then I would just try not to feel offended about this trip.
Sometimes, roads just diverge for the moment.
I am sure they both really love you... and know what a big influence and help you have been to them.
Maybe when they get back, you can all celebrate in another way, and have time together......
Also, your Sister just reunited with her old high school friend... .so this will be a "honeymoon" sort of thing for now... it is still new and fun for the time being reuniting with a former friend... if you feel she ignores you then... then speak to her about it.
But all people, have 'social lives' aside from their family too. Which is fine and to be expected. No matter how close you are with each other. People have other friends and socials with other people. And sometimes they just want autonomy that way. Its okay. People deserve to have a life with other friends. Its normal.
They are texting you and 'sharing' their trip with you... including you that way. I don't think they mean to hurt you.... by doing that.
But I understand you feel left out and miffed.
Just talk with your Sister, kindly... and as a sister. I am sure she may not even know how you feel. But I do not believe, they did anything 'wrong.' There will be parts of their lives, that are spent with others....
all the best,
5 moms found this helpful
S.H. answers from San Antonio on June 03, 2010
let it go let it go let it go. It is such a blessing to have close family in the word. Seriously if this is the worst episode in your relationship, be glad! It's OK to have other friends. It's OK to want to do things, even big things, with other people. Your sister missed so much youth and friendship. And she is LUCKY beyond words to have had you in her life. It must be important to her to reconnect with her youth and get to have a friend from that era.
I know it stinks for you, but don't mention it. Nothing good can come of it. They're having fun and no one is stopping you from having fun. Take a trip, have a fling, jump out of an airplane. Don't guilt the for having a good time. You'll forever be remembered as the depressing one and they'll resent you every time they think of the trip. You don't seem like the kind of person. I agree, it's not FAIR, but you're all adults and fair isn't really important any more.
I am sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh or snarky at all.
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L.D. answers from Las Vegas on June 03, 2010
I do understand how you feel but I'm just wondering if it didn't click in your sister's head that it would have been proper and right to invite you to come along on this milestone getaway. Sometimes people make mistakes and do thoughtless things without realizing the damage they are inflicting on the people near and dear to them. I know, for myself, I really do try to be considerate but sometimes I have trouble connecting the dots and I end up forgetting to do this or do that. Not all the time, thank God, but I've definitely had my moments where I have been guilty as charged.
Definitely talk to your sister about how you are feeling but keep an open mind and an open heart. She may have had a lapse in judgment but that doesn't mean that she loves you any less or consider you any less important in her life and her daughter's life.
I hope that you are able to resolve this with your sister soon.
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S.G. answers from Cheyenne on June 04, 2010
It must be hurtful that they didn't think of you when they planned this trip, but as others have said, you don't know what the reasons are. And it sounds as though you feel they owe you for all the things you did for them. You sound like a loving and caring person, and maybe it WOULD have been more fair for them to ask you, but it is THEIR trip. You can't control what THEY do, only what you do and how you react. You are not entitled to go with them (kudos to you on not just inviting yourself along, as tempting as that might have been) even if you feel you've earned it. I would wait until they get back and then when they are showing you pictures or talking about the trip, just be honest but kind...tell your sister (NOT your niece) that you were hurt that they didn't think to invite you and that you felt left out. It gives your sister a chance to explain if there was a reason and/or apologize if it just didn't occur to her, AND it puts it in her head for next time. But as your niece is graduating, she's growing up and it's got to be ok for them to have other friends, do other things. You don't want to be the clingy dependent relative that they invite out of obligation...you want to be the fun, "always there for us" aunt that they invite because they know they'll have a better time if they share it with you.
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A.N. answers from Grand Junction on June 04, 2010
tell your sister u feel like she couldve done more to include u in the trip, but dont take away from the experience for your niece
M.V. answers from Wichita Falls on June 03, 2010
tell her how you feel beacuse keeping it in is only gonna make you have a grudge against her and all the time spent with her is gonna be akward. its going to be fights and trowing stones back and forth.communication is always the key in familys. keep strong and keep united!!!you never know whens the last time you will get to see or hold your family so always be positive in your choices and love one another;]god bless!!!!
D.M. answers from Denver on June 04, 2010
Have you ever taken a trip with them before? Maybe you and your niece (sans sister) could do something special before she starts college. This is the time when kids tend to spend less time with family and more time with friends. Your sis may have felt this and wanted to have this time with her. Overall, get it off your chest (in a nice way) and then get over it. I assume you have a life? I understand your hurt and disappointment but you are all family and nothing will change that. Friends are important so be glad that your sis has some. I hope you do too.
B. answers from Augusta on June 03, 2010
My sisters did something similar to me this year. They , the two of them, went to Universal Studios without me. Didn't ask , didn't know they were going until I saw the facebook pictures. I was hurt to say the least.
There could be a million reason why you weren't asked to go.
It could be they didn't think you'd want to go , or that your work schedule would allow for the trip.
I would just talk to you sister when she gets back. Ask why you weren't invited but watch your tone when you ask her. If you go in on the attack she immediately get defensive.