Single Mom Issues

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you are able to find the support you need to get through this. It sounds like you are really depressed about your new state in life... working, separated, handling everything on your own. If you are not a regular church goer, this may sound really weird or sound like it's just another awkward thing to add to your list of tasks... however, I strongly suggest you go to church. I suggest you find a place where you feel welcome and recognise that the people there are not perfect. Many people at church are in need of help... whether it is for their behavior or their issues in life or problems they've over come...etc. Getting that little bit of time to relax while the kids are being cared for can be very rewarding. At the same time, you may meet a great group of people who are interested in helping you find your way through this tough time. Sunday School is where you'll feel like you are more than just one in the mass group. That is where the relationships build and the individual caring really comes into play. I think service is wonderful because it teaches you so much, but right now, you need to surround yourself with people who are interested in you and supporting you whether it is with kind words or actions.

Careful not to burden the group with a giant download of your problems. Just feel them out and ask for help. When it is time to pray about any issues you may be having, don't be afraid to speak up about your problems. Ask for strength to get through these days. Ask for guidance to find a routine that helps you and your kids enjoy each other and/or to find people who you can trust. Maybe you'll find some other people who can make recommendations to you. Amazing things happen when you ask for help. It just may be the support you need.

Good luck to you and take care. I think the most important part of your message was that you identified you feel like you are letting them down and you are feeling bad about not being there for them. That means you have your priorities right, you just need some help getting things worked out.

Liz

In addition to all of the other great advice, I advise you to get the book, "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. I went through a depression (though for different reasons), so I do know what it's like to feel sad and unmotivated and STILL have to function and take care of small children. I don't know if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, but if you don't, now is the perfect time to accept Him into your heart. I'm not preaching, just want you to know, from personal experience, that He can give you a life-time solution to your emotional problems. You took a big step by reaching out to others on this site. Keep reaching out to others for support and encouragement. You don't have to deal with this by yourself. Also, keep in mind that children are very resilient. They will bounce back from just about anything, so don't worry too much about all the changes for them. They will adjust, with time.
As far as the babysitter- maybe you could tell her that you want to try to keep their schedules the same at home as when they're at daycare. Then ask what a typical day is like when the kids are with her. This will allow you to find out what type of activities they're engaged in. Stay in prayer, read God's Word and believe it! Remember God has given you an inner strength that will allow you, with His help, to overcome anything. You are in my prayers!

T.,
I have been there too. My advice is to dont feel the need to "try so hard". Be yourself with your children; in other words its ok if they happen to see you cry or something. Things that happen in life are real. Good or "bad" (sometimes the bad is actually good and just dont feel like it till later). There will always be things that come along that may be hard and then you have the "ups" in life. Thats reality. Sooo in other words you dont HAVE to FEEL like playing with your children. Just be there at some point in the evening near them where you dont have to be INTO the playing so much but just being there in a way they know they can come up to you to talk or sit on your lap or whatever like that. So you are not "busy" with something else for an hr or 1/2 hr. It could actually be a time of rest for you to just sit there. As someone else wrote people around you to yell to or cry to or both IS a great thing to have. If you need an ear that cares you can call me ###-###-#### anytime. OR email ____@____.com I cant go without mentioning how much I found out the Lord was right there with me. Every tiny detail of my concerns is a BIG deal to Him. It is quite amazing. I am no better than you, he died for both of us the same. I have had to say/pray for many details just to get to the next hr. You know; you (as I) are not God. We are weak, He is strong. When our hearts are overwhelmed (or grieved or heavy) we must go to the "rock" (stable,and sure, He never changes) that is higher than we. (Just to say..God.. you are greater than me; will you help me tonight.)
I could say much more but I wont now go on and on here. With a prayer,
K. :)

Dear T.,
I understand how you feel! I have been a single mom for more than 20 years! Now my children are all in their twenties and I am a grandmom of three sweethearts, ages 2 1/2, 1 and 1! :)
My anchor in the midst of raising my four kids (who were 3 1/2, 5 and the twins, age 6 when I became a single mom)was my Lord Jesus Christ! Every night I would cry out to the Lord all of my frustrations as a laid down on my pillow, pleading with the Lord for answers to whatever problems had troubled me that day. I identified with King David (the writer of much of the Book of Psalms in the Old Testament) as he was so real in expressing his own frustration and need for help as cried out to the Lord for his need for answers, too!
As it turned out (and as He always is), the Lord was constantly faithful to me! After crying out all that was in me each night, Jesus faithfully would give me a spirit of peace, the ability to sleep and, in the days and weeks ahead, a physical answer to my prayers. What ensued was that either the need didn't present itself anymore or He answered it in some material way!!! Praise God! As scripture says, 'It is His good pleasure to give good gifts to His children who ask of him!'
I hope my little retelling of my own journey is a blessing to you! If you don't know the Lord Jesus, may I suggest you read the gospel of John in the New Testament section of the Bible and when you're ready, simply repent of any sins and then ask Him into your heart?
If you do know the Lord, may my letter be an encouragement to you!
Blessings!
J. F.

HI T.,

I was quickly looking through emails and had to stop and respond to your post. 2 years ago I was in your shoes. I don't have much time to write now so I want to let you know that you are right on target and honest with your emotions and feelings---that's a good thing. Of course you're sad! You are in a transition phase right now, it takes a while to get used to being on your own with the kids, but you do adjust and feel 'normal' again. Don't be h*** o* yourself. Having all of the extra stress and burden is a huge drain. Do as much as you can for your kids, of course, but realize that you are doing your best. Suggestion is to have playdates more often, if possible, at friends homes. Also join Divoce Care or something like that. If you feel like you can't dig yourself out of inevitable sadness, you may need to speak to your doctor about antidepressant. I had to do this.
As for the sitter, find a way to ask, or email her if that is easier, that is in a nice way. Like, "Can you give me a list of activities that the kids do during the day?" This will help you feel more involved with their learning and care.
Feel free to email me.

Hi, T..

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I really don't have a lot of advice to offer. I just wanted to let you know that the Smithsonian museums in D.C. are all FREE! I take my 2 yr old and infant there often and stay just 30 minutes or an hour and don't have to feel guilty about maximizing a ticket price. I know the Air & Space museum has a child friendly food court where you could bring lunch/snack from home. Hang in there.

Hello T.-

I to was a single mother once and I was 19. My daughter is now 18 almost 19 in college and doing very good. I will first say that you as a single mother will not always have the energy to do as many things as play with your children daily becaus eit is emotionally draining with the responsibility of raising them alone and the daily life stress of life in general examples of finances, food and work are a few. However, You are depressed and should seek some sort of support. You can do this via family, friends or professional but, you really need an adult that you can talk to you and work with you. You also need some you time to gather yourself up. I would suggest that you find something that triggers a positive attitude and do not let this over come you or take away from these children. I owe a great deal of my daughters stability to my Mother!! She would take her and do things with her when I could not. This is normal given all that you are experiencing but you cannot let this become you or make you not emotionally stable to support these children, you are all they have. Pull it together and not religious but you may want to pray for strength! I am spiritual and it helps me a lot when I do! You also need to put your emotions into perspective and journaling may help you as well. Write all those problems, worries and feelings down! Get them out!! Make your self spend time with the children even when it is hard. Make them your center and amazing children can bring you joy! They will always love you no matter what and at a young age they are so joyess when you feel sad. No one can make things all better but you and you must believe one day at a time.

A.

T.:

Hello and good morning!

You are NOT alone! Get help NOW!! Google Crisis Centers and you will find one in your area. You should be VERY proud of yourself for acknowledging this terribly low point in your life.

I'm sorry to hear you are separated from your husband. However, just because you are separated doesn't mean he can't help out. Have him step up to the plate and share in the responsibilities of being a parent. If it means taking the kids for 2 hours one night during the week - so be it.

If your family (mom, dad, brother, sister) live close - ask for help. Let them know this is a bad time for you. Call your pastor or minister - there are people in churches who help out in times like this. When I lost a baby at 20 weeks - our church made dinners for us for about a month because I was sooo down I could barely function myself.

You need to realize you have a life to. The chores can wait. Your kids matter.

Here are some tips to help:

1. Make a list of things that you feel MUST be done. This will help you stop feeling overwhelmed and give you some control over your life. Break it down to daily tasks:

a. Laundry - put a load in before you go to work - it will be done when you get home. Put a load in before you go to the park - it will be done when you get back and put it in the dryer. I would do it daily - then you will not feel like you have just spent 8 hours doing laundry in one day.
b. Have your 4 year help out - they LOVE helping - maybe she can pull the clothes out of the dryer (my son loves to do this!) This gives you two time together and she feels like she's helping and being a big girl!
c. Have your kids pick up their toys - at 20 months and 4 years that old enough to put them away - it might not be perfect, but it's done. Don't expect perfection - just let them put their toys and books away.
d. Get a slow cooker for your meals - put it in before you leave for work in the AM and then it will be done when you get home.
e. Plan your meals by the week. USE COUPONS!! This will help you save money like you won't believe. It will stop any impulse buying at the store as well. Get the Sunday paper (the only time coupons aren't in it is holiday weekends). Got to "eversave.com" get on-line coupons. Google coupons - you will be surprised at how many hits you get. Print only those that you need - this will keep your from buying things you really don't need. Making a menu for the week will help you use what you have in your cabinets now and allow you use coupons that you get. Keep your meals simple - macaroni and cheese is cheap and good. A slow cooker can have a pot roast done while you are working and a nice dinner will be ready when you get home.
f. Pack your own lunch. This will save you, on average $50 a week. no joke. Use the leftovers from dinner - this will cut waste in the home as well.

Now as for your babysitter. Ask your kids what they do during the day. If you don't like what you hear - set up a meeting with the babysitter and ask her what she does with them during the day and state your expectations. Set goals together. If that doesn't happen - find out if you qualify for assistance and move your children to a local center - like Kindercare or some other place that has a playground on campus and is considered a learning center, not just a babysitter.

Most IMPORTANTLY DO NOT WAIT TO GET HELP FOR YOURSELF!! Call a crisis center. Call your Primary Care physician and get a same day appointment. Print your mamasource note out - make a list of things and ask for a same-day referral to a psychologist or someone who can help you get through this tough time and keep control of your life.

Please know you are NOT alone, God loves you - turn to Him as well - ask for His guidance. He WILL give it to you.

I have board games and books I can send you. If you would like to send me your address - I'd be happy to give you things for you and your kids.

You WILL get through this.

God Bless.

Cheryl

1) I'd ask the sitter about their day and ask about incorporating this or that that you read about. Like reinforcing with your 4 year old colors, letters, etc. You can find free activity ideas online for her.

2) Do what you can. My mom (a single mom) was often not interested in board games but simple things were nice...making silly shaped pancakes for breakfast, going on a nature walk, going to a park, going to the library, playing hide and go seek, playing dress up...I agree with the other person who said to play for 15 minutes if that's all you can devote right now. Just a few minutes to reconnect can help.

3) Look into support for yourself. Counseling. Family. Friends. It's a tough transition.

One thing at a time: (1) I went through exactly what you are (well emotionally anyway - you are going through it as a single mom) - the lack of desire, interest, etc., and that feeling when you sit down to play that you are holding tears back and just going through the motions. I got medical help - I am not saying the only answer is drugs, but I will say that Zoloft made me feel like myself again, and later after breastfeeding was over Wellbutrin helped even more as it gives a bit of an energy bump. Again drugs are not the only answer, but the chemistry in your brain is different, and when it is put back where it should be then you will not have to struggle to do things like playing with your kids - and you'll be able to say to yourself "Screw the dishes! There will always be something to clean but this time will not happen again!" and feel good about it. Seriously, let the house be messy. Who cares. There will be time to have a clean house when you don't have a toddler.

The second thing I'd say is that you are in probably one of the hardest times of your life and give yourself a break. You are emotionally and physically exhausted and no doubt grieving over the end of your marriage. I often find play time easier when I structure it a bit - just sitting down as Mom the play leader to create a fun time can be very draining. Get out the Mega Blocks and build something. Put on some music and dance with them - you can even do this sitting. If you can't play, read them a book - I find that easier sometimes than full scale playing. If they don't want to read, put them in the tub together and let them splash while you sit there with a cup of coffee and say "Wow that's great kids!" You are not going to have it in you every day of the week to be Thomas the Tank Engine. Put in the high energy when you can and the rest of the time, just be with them.

And with the babysitter, I would just say very cheerfully "You know, I've been thinking, we never really talked about their play time. I've been noticing that with all the changes they do much better when they're really engaged in active learning play during the day to stimulate their brains and let them work things out. Here's a list of activities I'd like you to engage them in during the day." Then find out subtly from your four year old if these are happening (without making her feel that she is reporting on the sitter) - and actually you'll probably be able to get a good idea just from talking to the sitter herself what her attitude toward this is and whether she's doing it. If not, CHANGE. I made a big mistake with my first child in valuing stability over having the best person with him. I really regret it. With my second I have been willing to let her discover how adaptable she is when we needed to make a change in order for her to have a better environment, and it's by far the better way to go.

Finally...I always seem to go so long...I can tell that you are a wonderful mom and doing everything you can to keep this situation from stressing your kids any more than it has to. It will stress them somewhat (I say as a child of divorce), but they'll be okay, especially because they have a mom who's not only really focusing on them and making sure they have what they need, but also taking care of herself as well. Please consider medical help and please also find a support group in town or on the web for separated parents with small kids. You will soon learn that many people are facing the same issues you are and most not handling it nearly as well.

Good luck to you...and be kind to yourself!

S.

It is really hard to start over and re-invent yourself. You need someone to talk to during this transition every bit as much as your kids do. Sometimes it's not about play so much as they just need your time..... period. And whether that is spent snuggling, playing, or "helping" you with some of your tasks doesn't really matter. It's the connection you are building that does. One activity that I found fun to do with the kids and it's free is letterboxing. Google letterboxing and check it out. Your kids will love it and these things are everywhere. I find it is a great way to keep their little minds from turning to mush. Change is very difficult for everyone. You are under a considerable amount of stress so I'm hoping that you have or will develop some techniques to address that. Good luck and stay strong!

I regularly suffer from anxiety and depression and have had the same problem so I am guessing that is a huge part of it. You definitely need to find a good counselor. Also, with the help of some very good friends, I overcame my resistance to meds. I am a much better person since I started taking anxiety reducing medication. It doesn't make me sleepy or affect my mood in any way except allowing me to enjoy life again without little things becoming big problems. I dont' know if that is the answer for you but I think you should talk to your doctor about it. As my doctor reminds me from time to time depression is caused by a change in brain chemistry and taking medication for it is not different than taking meds for any other medical condition.

If you have insurance I would look into counseling.

Also try reading to the kids vs. playing with them. When I can't get myself to play with them I can get myself to read.

Try to find a way for some time for yourself to be an adult (not at work)...Maybe trade time with another single mom or what not.

Hang in there!

R.

I am not a professional and don't have personal experience, but it seems that you are putting so much pressure on yourself. Just from your note it seems that you put the weight of the world on yourself. You have been through so many changes that stress is taking a toll. Give yourself a break! You love your kids, it is obvious and they know it, too.

It sounds like you're feeling guilty for not playing w/the kids. Try reading a quick book or putting a movie on and watching with them. Start slowly. You must heal yourself first before you can be a good mommy to them. Really I think you should be doing things for yourself (sounds so selfish but DOES work). Take a warm bubble bath after the kids are in bed, go to the library and check out books YOU are interested in, make yourself your favorite dinner. After you have helped yourself you will find you have more energy for your kids. Don't worry about the sitter for now. As long as you trust her then worry about kids being engaged down the line. HELP YOURSELF FIRST!! The rest will come...good luck :)

T.,
To find out what your sitter is or is not doing asky your 4 yr old to let you about her day. If the sitter is interacting with them your daughter should be talkign about it.

I have been a single mom for my girl's whole life so I had nothing to compare it to like you do. I hope you have supportive friends to help you through the emotions and issues you are experiencing. I too get requests to play all day long. One way I spend time with my daughter is during chores. She helps me feed the cat, clean the kitty litter, empty the dishwasher, clear the table, take out trash, pick up and fold laundry. Many of these jobs she has been doing since she was approx 3yo. She loves working with me and she is learning a sense of responsibility. We also cook together. This then gives me a little time to play with her or to watch tv with her. The other lifesaver is playdates! I love to host a playdate because then she is happily occupied but I can still do what I need to do.

Hi T.,

Right now it sounds like you are down due to your separation. I separated from my husband in October of '07 and I'm just coming out of depression. That takes time to heal. Try to get counseling or confide in a friend to get things off of your chest.

I don't see you as a bad mother you are just going through something right now - continue to love your kids by telling them you love them and give them hugs and kisses!

One of the things I do is to take my son to free museums where they can touch things. You can interact with them by having a dialogue of the exhibit. The textile museum is a great museum!

Also take time out for yourself - with family and friend support let them take the kids from time to time so that you can pamper yourself! Remember the kids need you.

T.,

I dont have much advice to offer you and can only imagine that this is a very difficult time for you. God bless you and your children and that you will all be happier than ever very soon!

I do know that sometimes, with depression, its the doing things and keeping busy that snaps you out of it. You are going to be sad and in mourning over your marriage and family life changes but time will eventually heal all that. Hang in there and just do the best you can, thats all anyone can ask of you. And I doubt that your kids will really remember most of this time except bits and pieces so try to stop beating yourself up. What they will remember is how you handle everything from here on out, how strong this will make you as a person and that despite being sad, you will always be there for them. Try to involve other supportive family members like your parents relatives etc. in the kids lives and just get out of the house and into the sunshine whenever you can, there are tons of free activities around dc like museums/art shows/festivals and your local library has story times and tons of community activities listings. I am sure that your 4 yr old would love to have spa time with mom painting toes and fingernails and thats free too. The housework can wait somewhat, do your best to smile and hugs hugs hugs!

You are feeling overwhelmed about your responsibilities. You need a close friend to talk with and pray to the Lord also. Taking your kids to the park is a great idea! Children love to be outdoors. Get some kid songs, happy music from the library on CDs. Then do sing-a-longs with your children. They will love the music and it will lift your spirits. You can sing while you do the dishes or anytime. AF

You are depressed and that's normal, but you need face-time w/ adults.become a liitle chattier w/ people find out if they have small children whom they can play w/ while you swap life stories.i'll be o.k. Keep your head up and know that you will be o.k.. K.i.t.
CHURCH IS ALWAYS A GOOD PLACE TO PLACE YOUR BURDENS.
BLESS YOU- YOU WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO COMFRONT IT.

You shouldn't feel obligated to be your children's playmate. That's what they have each other for, isn't it? I don't remember my parents ever getting down on the floor and playing with us as kids. (Maybe they did when we were that little, but I don't remember it.) What's wrong with your kids playing with the other kids at the playground? That's a great way to give yourself a little break.

It's overwhelming enough when there are two parents around. But you are working full-time to support them, and then coming home to take care of the house, and cleaning up, and feeding them, and everything else. And you don't have someone there to help watch them for 15 minutes so you can take a shower, or even go to the bathroom. I can't imagine how single parents do it without losing your minds. So, you should know that you are doing a great job by merely holding it all together and providing for your children. You don't have to be everything to them, their playmate and entertainer, too. You are already their rock.

That said, it sounds like you might have depression, so you should definitely speak with a doctor or therapist. It will most likely get better with time, but it's possibly a chemical imbalance that could be assisted with medication.

Hang in there! You're doing great.

Hello! I feel your pain! I have been a stay at home mom for (including my pregnancy) 6+ years, and my husband moved out Dec. 30. He has cheated on me for years w/at least 5 (probably more) women! I was just over it. When I kicked him out, he had just started talking to one online again (nothing had come from it, or so he says). Early March, I was contacted by a lady that works at our car dealership. She had been sleeping w/him since last summer, and found out he was cheating on HER too, just since he moved out of here...apparently he has to have more than 1! It was confirmation to me that I did the right thing, but I am still dealing w/the handling it all by myself. I am on food stamps and medicaid, and to find a job would mean losing those, and having to pay for what they make up for, on top of childcare, and a the little extra to make ends meet would mean a job that is $1500/month AFTER taxes, minimum. Luckily, I have family that are trying to help me to stay home...but that just makes for more depression. I don't live in Lynchburg...I'm on the other side of Roanoke in Christiansburg...which is a shame, we could get the kids together and support each other. I love that everyone had given you spiritual advice, too! God is the only One that can get us through these as wholly as possible. He can be our strength. He has given me a couple songs from Spirit FM to get me through. You should get the CD "my paper heart" by francesca battistelli....almost every song applies. I also love the song "you're not alone" by meredith andrews. Message me anytime or email me, you can even call me one day if you like (or have time!) ____@____.com Also, where did you end up working? I worked at a daycare before getting pregnant and that won't make enough money for me to get by, even with the childcare discount for employees! I just don't know what to do! I don't have the energy or motivation to anything around the house at all, and I'm here all the time. The boys are driving me crazy (5 and almost 3) and fighting all the time, not listening. I was depressed before my seperation though. My ex started out saying he knew it was his fault and he was going to help out anyway he could (financially) and is now just paying what the courts ordered and being really nasty. He doesn't even see them as much as he said he would, which would give me a break. He moved in w/friends in Roanoke, which is 45 min away! and its that far from his job, too! He is also applying for a job over there, which hurts me for the kids, because if he isn't already here for his job, he won't be seeing them during the week (for a couple hours after work once or twice a week) anymore! Even the every other weekend break isn't enough for me to get recooped from being burnt out by them for 2 weeks! It is tough, but I know God will get us through it and we will be better off for it! My parents are a wonderful story of God's will working in a powerful way to make the horrible into something wonderful! I'll tell you about it if you like!

Oh my gosh, what a difficult transition for you. My kids are the same age, and the playing can be exhausting. Try to give them your full attention for only about 15 minutes, then I say I have to do some jobs. Don't put too much pressure on yourself right now. Try to get some support from friends or other moms, or a therapist might help you process all the feelings associated with these changes.
If you would like to email me to talk further, please do so, ____@____.com we live nearby, we may be able to help each other out.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, my heart goes out to you.
Give yourself a break though. You are going through tough times. And you arent yourself. Give yourself some time to adjust and there is no limit on how long that should be. Continue to get the help/counseling, that is a great start. Dont give it up, you surely need it for you and your kids.
Of course you are feeling overwhelmed along w/ several other emotions and its perfectly fine to not feel like playing w/ your kids. Maybe you could just sit nearby and read or fold laundry so that you are at least near them. Hopefully soon your emotions will level out and you will be able to be the mom you used to be. Dont be afraid to ask others for help, even an older child to come play w/ the kids for a bit.
As for your babysitter. I would definately ask her what activities she does w/ them and make requests of what you would like her to do. You pay her to care for your children, she should be willing to "work" for her money. But be honest with her and let her know you arent doing so well and hopefully she can give the kids that extra little attention that you arent currently able to give.
Best wishes.

T.,
I also have a four year old, and two year old. I so completely understand what you are feeling. I have other issues that have overwhelmed me in the past 1-1/2 years, and have often felt the lack of desire to do anything, other than what I have to do by the end of the day. I also dreaded leaving work, knowing I didn't have it in me to do what I should (and deep down wanted to) do. I had similar babysitting issues, they resolved when I got a new babysitter that doesn't let them sit around all day and watch TV.
Two things - first, you need to get help. I don't neccesarily mean professional, although you may need that if your feelings continue, (loss of a desire to do things that normally bring you happiness - such as playing with your kids - is a clinical sign of depression). Do you have family or friends nearby to reach out to? Church? I have found that the more I isolate myself because I am feeling down, the worse I feel. Also, do you have some local pre-teen girls that can engage them in the evenings for an hour, so you can get your work done, which would allow you to work without guilt. That may only cost you a couple of dollars, as "mother's helper" rates aren't what babysitter rates are. Or, even better, a family member for free? (Niece, mom, sister, etc.) Then, when it is bedtime, you will feel more inclined to give them one-on-one time.
Second, have an honest conversation with your babysitter. Tell her you are overwhelmed, and that you are barely making it through the evenings. Tell her that you don't feel as though you are able to do the things you normally would with your kids, and it would be a great load off of your mind if she could do a little extra with them during the day. Say it in a way that implies, "of course, I'm sure you are already doing these things". If you don't get results, maybe it is time to find someone new.
My heart goes out to you. I have been there, and it is getting better for me, but it was work to get here. Good luck, and God bless.

I have been there too. I was left with one son and it was difficult. I moped around so much that my son told me not to hang my head down and not to look like that. He was only three at the time. So I pulled myself together and started attending church and started establishing a life with my son and my dog. We started having a really happy life once I saw how it was affecting him. While he took his nap is when I did my chores around the house. I had a dog to take care of at the time so it was just a matter of setting my schedule up to accommodate everyone. At the end of the day, I was exhausted but able to sleep and wake up to a happy son and an energetic dog. Take it day by day but do make it a point to make life better. It really is not the end of the world but I know it feels like it. Also, get yourself a crockpot. It was a lifesaver for me.

hi T., it looks like it's all been said, but PLEASE don't beat yourself up over this. you've got so much on your plate already. carefree play doesn't work if it's forced anyway. you can be with your kids and there for your kids without playing WITH your kids. read to them, listen to them, spend quiet time with them.
as for the babysitter, it's really not a babysitter's place to educate children. if they are safe and happy and well-cared-for, i'd leave it alone.
good luck!
khairete
S.

ok lets talk about the important one. the baby sitter.

take an early lunch, go to the sitter and check on them. if she dosent seam pleased to see you then i would do it one more time a week later. if you get the same reaction then i would switch then.

now good luck on being single, try to get your friends to help you out, come over and have a girls nite in.

if you you live near arundel mills then go to the bass pro shop they have a huge fish tank and my son just loves going there. then after words there is a realy cute little park over by the airport run way that you can take them to and watch the planes land and take off. take some pb and J with you.

i hope you are getting some child support. google free things to do in your area. the air and space museum in dc is free. take them there and ware them out.
Just pack sandwich lunch (which is what you would have of eaten at home anyway.)

now as for your feelings, they are perfectly natural, how ever as you already know what you do projects on your child.
set aside time for them weher you do sit down with them. its not their fault and you need to push threw it. talk to them ask them how they are doing. work with them on what you think they need to learn. your daughter is 4 she is old enough to help set the table, unload the dishwasher with you get her in the kitchen and help you cook. it may take a little longer but she is learning life skills and you have help and you all spend time together and you chors get done.
dont swet the small stuff. if you have family near by ask them to take the kids on the weekend for a little while so you can clean the bath rooms etc take a nap etc. while grocery shopping get them to help. the more you make this stuff fun and teach them to help at a young age the less hassle when they get older.
if your spouse is not paying remember you can have the courts garnish his wages.

childrens place is having a big sale right now on clothes for the summer in arundell mills mall.

what ever you feel the kids will pick up on. they are very perceptive.

good luck

I have been a single mom for 14 years, I have a 14 year old and a 10 year old. Depression is a beast but it is a beast that can be defeated. Not wanting to play with your children can be a combination of things, tiredness, anger because you did not think you would have to do this alone, and part of the depression. Just take it one day at a time, many of the museums are free downtonw DC, I do not know where you are but now that the summer is coming go on the web under dc.gov and check out summer activities for children many of them are free. Or just go to the park or the mall and let them run and you run everynow and then they will love it. Just do me a favor don't keep things bottled up, that is one way to defeat the depression. Know that the person that left you was a person that was in your life for a season and now it is GOD's turn to heal, restore, and bring the proper one. I hope this helps GOD BLESS

Hi T.,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I am not going through the same thing per se, but I can relate to feeling depressed and how that affects your desire to play with your kids. I am pregnant with my second baby and my son is almost two and sometimes when I get home from work, I am just so tired and I feel guilty that I am not playing with him more. I care for him alone every weekend and sometimes I dread those weekends b/c I don't feel up to entertaining a toddler for hours on end and then I feel guilty b/c I feel like I should look forward to and treasure this time with him. I do think depression and stress and low energy takes its toll. I have found that occasionally getting some "me" time helps. If you can manage to go for a walk by yourself and listen to some music that brightens your mood or just do something that makes you feel better, like talk to a friend on the phone and vent, you may find you are then better able to go play with the kids. Good luck! You are not alone!

T. - so sorry about what's happening for you right now. I hope I'm offering new info to consider. The post that spoke about a standard kids bedtime so you can have time for yourself is right on. But the time with your kids prior to that doesn't have to always be just "play". You can have them help you with things you need to get done and make it fun to do all together. Afterall - how do little kids learn to do things in life for themselves if we don't teach them? My son has been helping me pick up the house and his own toyroom since he was 2. He's 3 1/2 now and he helps me in the kitchen - tearing greens, measuring stuff for a recipe (with my help), peeling eggs, folding laundry. We do it all together and I find that he just wants to be with me DOING something. He's turning into quite a little helper and it's "my" thing with him, especially the cooking. His Dad plays toys and I've got little interest in that. Inexpensive stuff at home - make paydoh - there's a ton of recipes on the internet. It's cheap and fun. I let my son measure everything out and then when it's time to cook it on the stove he can only watch. But whatever you can do with them even WITH $$ restrictions. Put a smile on your face and convince yourself beforehand that it will be fun - and then it WILL be for your kids. And I think you need to talk to someone on your own if you have access to that. Talk about your sadness with someone who is trained to help you through this. Clergy at church or counselor's there if you don't have access to a therapist. The one thing you need to remember is that your time with your babies is limited - they grow too fast - and your time with them should not be about your sadness - you need to handle that elsewhere so you can be all theirs when you get home. Blessings, S.

Hello, First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can only imagine all that you have on your plate at this time. I have 6 kids and I feel a similar kind of "depression" at times when it comes to my children and feeling the energy and drive to spend quality time with them. One thing I do almost on a nightly basis is have a routine bedtime schedule for the kids (and this alone can be quality time) by reading 1 book with them and saying prayers, etc. or whatever it is that would be good for you and your kids. THEN, once they are in bed, make time for yourself. No guilt because the kids are already in bed. Of course a reasonable bed time would be key so you still have some what of an energy level. And make this your time to do whatever you want....read, watch tv, talk to friend/family on the phone, or even just sit in silence with a cup of hot cocoa! This does wonders for me. Sometimes I do end up using the time to do a load of laundry or clean dishes, but it is my choosing. It helps energize me for the next day. If you are tired, limit this time to one hour or 30 minutes. Just as long as you have uninterupted time to yourself and you feel like you can do whatever you want at that time. Good luck! You have a big job ahead of you, but it's obvious you are a good mom and this difficult time in your life will soon come to pass.

Treena,
God bless you. I feel for you. Are you on any kind of medication? Believe me, it does help. You will get through this. Try to amass a support system; friends, family. Just having someone to talk to helps a great deal. I'm sure your kids aren't disappointed in you. They know you love them.

Take care,
S.

You could engage them in the chores you are doing, ie matching socks with laundry which also helps learning and letting them "help" with dinner or dishes even if it's just playing with the pans. It is hard to find energy with a logn day at work compounded by the other stuff going on. It gets easier. I've been on my own for 4 years with my son. I also bought a few board games like candyland and cooties so we have a structured activity we don't have to think about. I also scour the newspaper and family publications for free, fun activities.
As far as your baby sitter is concerned. Ask her what she's doing to engage learning and make suggestions and get workbooks. You can find some at the dollar stores with Disney Characters or super heros. I work with my son a lot at home and am constantly quizzing him like a game. What color is this, what letter does that begin with, what number do you see, how many does this make etc... You could suggest that to your sitter if she's not already doing it. If you want to see how she's doing you could drop in during your lunch break or have a friend or neighbor. Encourage strong communication as to what their day was like both with her and with your kids. It's tough and you'll have good days and bad days but most of all remember your doing it for your kids even if it's just getting out of bed in the morning for them because some days even that seems too much.

Hi T.,

I feel for you - that is a tough situation to be in. It's completely normal to be sad and overwhelmed. I have gone through that myself - you feel you have no time, no help, etc...and it's hard to be energized and enjoy your kids when you are feeling depressed....however, you don't have to be so h*** o* yourself - tons of working mothers feel the same way - they are never good enough in their own minds...and they feel like nothing they do is good enough or right...but the good news is, kids are resilient and will be just fine! Taking them to the park is a good way for them to get outside, exercise, play with friends and be social, etc....they don't have to have you as their playmate. You could muster pushing them on the swing or something, but really, kids just like playing and you don't have to entertain them. My mom was great, but she was not a 'player,' but I loved her because she was there for me if I needed her. She just let me play with my brother and we did just fine. And Tami was right - kids probably won't even think back and say "My mom is horrible because she never played with me." They will think,"My mom is cool because she worked hard and took care of us and even had time to take us to the park!" And don't be too h*** o* yourself about the cleaning...it is good to keep busy to take your mind off things, and eventually the pain and depression will go away as you settle into a new routine, but in the meantime, don't feel like you have to have a perfectly spotless house - it's impossible with kids! And especially by yourself. So, try to get a group of people to lean on - family, friends, church, etc and don't be afraid to ask for help.
As for the babysitter, I would just approach her with a plan - just say, I know you might do this any way, but I have decided to start doing such and such (good examples would be worksheets (you can print off the internet) for their age group - like coloring sheets with shapes, etc for the younger one and alphabet and preschool stuff for the older one) and I would like you to incorporate it into your time with the kids as well...so she thinks that you have changed your parenting technique, so you would like her to help you out - not that you are judging her on what she does and doesn't do. Also you could think up cheap ideas for fun and give her a list of things so you can approach it like - I know it must get boring around the house, so here are a few fun ideas to keep the kids entertained....and then give her the list....
Hopefully this will help...and hang in there, they won't be young forever....just make it through the next 2-3 years and your kids will be in school and they will keep you entertained with stories they are learning about at school, etc...and you will learn to enjoy the time with them again. Plus, you won't need the babysitter 24/7 and that will save on money as well....that may ease some of your burdens...but do try to enjoy them while you can - they are only going to be that age once...cut yourself some slack, don't worry about it - pray and read the Bible - and relax with them...this will give your mind time to rest and just enjoy your life. Sit down, give yourself a break...give the kids some blocks, and watch them play - you don't have to be totally interactive - they will just be happy you're spending time with them!

Grl keep your head up and don't feel guilty or beat yourself up yes I have experienced this too and the feeling bad thing as well so I sit down and eat dinner wh my son or engage in a show/movie wh him maybe play a toy (a learning toy or color wh him) I always read 3 books (short ones) to him at night b4 he goes to bed and even when I'm busy doing chores I talk to him all day so he can hear your voice and just involve him in what you do cooking taking out the trash wipping off the table etc you have 2 wrk so doing that when you are wh your kids everyday will give interaction between you and them don't feel guilty your a great mother I am sure of it

Get a little inexpensive pool for the summer put it outside and I'm sure you and your children will have a blast

Also get out and have a social life wh friends more that will help wh depression socalizing and having a life of your own occasionally as for the daycare make pop up visits 2 see what is going on and then speak up about it once you confirm it

T.,
First of all remind yourself that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! This is the hardest thing to do. When I first became a single mom, my kids were 5 and 3. It was the hardest thing that I had done at that point in my life. I did not have a job, did not have a sitter, and really did not have anywhere for my kids to call home. See we had left an abusive situation in a hurry, and we were staying with different friends for a while until we finally were able to move back in with my parents.

The first thing you have to do is build a support system. This could be friends, family, or even a support group. Have someone that you can call and cry to, or even someone that you can call to yell at if needed, just make sure that this person is not going to take things personally. Once you have a support system going, you can start to focus on you and your kids.

Then start out slowly. Remember, your chores can wait a day...the house will not fall apart if you do not do the laundry or sweep the floor for one day. Set aside one day, or even every other day, just for the kids. After dinner, take some time to just be with them. This could be reading a story, coloring a picture, or watching a favorite television show or movie. This will let them know that you are there for them and that you are not going to leave them. This will help them get through this too. Remember to take time to listen to them and their concerns. I know that your little one may not be very vocal about his feelings, but make sure that he knows you will listen when he is able to speak his mind.

Please remember to take time for you as well. It is hard, but you can do it. Even if it is just a hot bath after the kids are in bed. It is very important that you do not forget to take care of you because you can't take care of them if you get sick.

As far as the babysitter goes, I would ask her. She is there to help you. Tell her that you are concerned about them and want to make sure that they are getting extra special attention when you are at work. Give her little projects to do with them if she is willing to do them. If this is a person that has been with your kids from the beginning of the separation, she should be willing to help with this.

One thing you can do to make getting the chores done easier is get the kids involved. Even your little one can pick up after himself. It may not be perfect, but at least it is getting done in some way. It took me a long time to realize that, and now that I have we have a much more peaceful house.

I know this is long, but I have been in your shoes and know what you are going through. IT WILL GET BETTER it just takes time.

If you need to talk, or vent to someone who has been in your position, feel free to message me here.

Good luck and remember, you are not alone in this!

Hey T.,

I am not single but find myself in the same situation where I feel so bad how I constantly put things off and do chores and miss out on the important things in my life like my girls, they are similar to your kids ages, almost 4 and almost 2. You are not alone so if you want an email pen pal, or possibly future playdates too my email is ____@____.com. I hope from all the responses you are comforted and that the babysitter situation is handeled the way you want. I am also in a Christian Moms group where I am an organizer if you want some information on that as well.

Keep your head up! Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Being a single mother takes the cake. I know exactly how you feel. You may think your not doing a good job but one day when things get easier you will see how strong you really can be. Don't give up. I don't feel like playing with my children much either. As we all know mom has the brunt of the responsiblities around the house whether she is single or not. Children don't really care how much money you have.. give them 15-30 minutes of your undivided time a day and you will feel better and you will see a difference in them. They grow up way to quick. Housework you will always have. I'm a perfectionist myself and it's taken me 6 years to forget about my "model" home. Oh take lots of pictures so that you can smile about those little moments and think it wasn't always bad. Most importantly take a little time for you. Try not to burn yourself out. I have this new thing that by 10, 11pm I'm done. If its not done then it's not getting done. Mommy time till midnight and then try to get some sleep. Hope this hopes God Bless