Siblings Fighting

There is a series of educational videos and books called Love and Logic I just learned about. I'm seriously considering buying the preschool age set. I have a very strong-willed child and I think I'm going to need all the help I can get with him. We're having another baby in December so I want to try to nip any problems in the bud before they become big ones. I have two older girls that are 18 and 16, but I didn't have problems with them fighting. They have and still are best buds, so I don't know of any other advise than to read/learn/and ask like you are.

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I just received info. on this issue in my inbox today from BabyCenter.com. Hope one of these links will be helpful.

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_managing-sibling-riv...

http://www.babycenter.com/0_growing-a-family-a-parents-gu...

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/404_my-kids-quarrel-co...

http://boards.babycenter.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?webtag=bcus...

I just want to say....I so know what you are going through! My only solution so far is that I remove whatever they are fighting about. I only give one warning. No more. It works for the most part. But, yes it's normal...unfortunately!! I feel like a lunatic some days. Hang in their- everything works in phases!

Hi A.,
Unfortunately, siblings that fight is a normal part of life. I know that doesn't help you right now, but know that it does ease up as they get older. My son and daughter who were 3 years apart fought so much it would bring me to tears sometimes. I would tell them that I loved them both so much and it hurt me to see them treat each other with so much disrespect.

As adults, they are very close and it is hard to believe they ever fought like they did. It eased up in their teen years and gradually faded, but in the meantime there are a few things you can do.

Any time you put multiple people into the same household and living situation, you will have conflicts, it is only natural. Even adults cannot cohabitate without getting on each others nerves after prolonged periods, why would children be any different? Everyone has their own individuality and we expect young children to be better at it than adults? It took me taking a child psychology class for me to get this.

First, you need to give them their own space. I know it is easier to group everything they do into one because it makes it easier on you, but they need their own space and time to themselves. Do they have their own rooms? If not, give them their own part of the room. Do they share toys? It makes sense that they do, for practical and financial reasons but it is important that at this age, they do not have to share too much with each other. Sharing IS an important part of growing up and important for their development. However, for sibling rivalry, it is just as important that they have things/time and space of their own.

Try to make special time for each of them, as hard as that may sound. It just seems practical that they do everything together, but that is actually part of the problem in that they do too much together, and that only intensifies the fighting. Let them miss doing things together so it becomes special. Maybe Dad can take one for an activity and you take the other for a different activity. Then switch on different days. Let them ask, why can't we both do "????" together?" Or let them wonder why one of them is doing one thing and the other doing another. You answer with "because you fight too much the other way, so we are trying this". Let them have a chance to miss what they are taking for granted. (having a built in best friend in each other)

Also, it is important that they form their own interests and hobbies, Don't assume that because one likes to color or draw, the other likes to, etc.... Let them each try different things/activities.
Another thing that people are guilty of and I have also done this, is to assume that siblings close in age like to wear the same thing, have the same toys, etc... Family and friends probably buy them the same things, so maybe you could suggest different gifts for them.

On the other hand, this will naturally bring up the issue of them wanting what each other has. What you do in that situation is to teach them that the only way that can happen is if they learn to share and play nice with each other. When that fails, they need to go back to their "own" things.

From experience, I know this isn't easy and telling you that it does get better is no consolation right now.
Lots of patience, understanding and giving them their own space is my best advice.
Good Luck!

You've gotten some great advice so far. I would like to agree with the mom who said that if they are getting on each other's nerves to let them know that if it continues they will be separated. This works like a dream with my two girls, ages 7 and 3. I like this method for two reasons: 1. it gets them to come to an agreement quickly and 2. it teaches them that being separated from each other is not good. I truly feel that this gives my girls a bond with each other. The only thing worse than having to deal with your sister is not having to deal with her! It's so touching when their separation (usually around 10 minutes) is over. They run to each other for hugs! Too sweet. Plus I'm guaranteed that they'll play nicely after that.

I also agree about giving them LOTS of attention when they're playing nicely. Positive reinforcement never hurts!

Good luck to you and your precious girls!

Sure, kids need to learn how to settle their own differences and fights.

that being said, there is a wide age spread between your 2 children. 2 years old and 5 years old. Same as my children. You cannot "expect" a 2 year old to "manage" their own problems/fights/issues. They are too young.

ALso, your 5 year old is still not FULLY capable of managing everything on her own, much less problems or fights.

Keep in mind, that an eldest child is, by default, often the one with the most "stress"... the eldest child is always "expected" to behave better, to be "perfect", to 'help' with the younger one, to always be "more" of everything... whether or not they can handle it. This can really set up the eldest child for failure and frustration and resentment. You don't want that.

Next, I always talk with my eldest child... telling her that "just try your best... i know it's not always easy for you either....to have a little brother...BUT, we are a family... we are a 'team'... and you and brother need to protect each other and always be loving... not perfect, but try your best..." I instill in my kids that they are a TEAM... and we are family... and we love each other no matter what. I explain that It's 'okay' to feel grumpy.. and no matter how you feel you can always tell Mommy... But, it's not okay to take it out on others..."

My girl has even told me on occasion "Mommy...I'm just a little girl... I can't do everything... don't rush me... " etc. It reminds me, of yes, she is right. I have to gage what I expect. Even when my kids are fighting... I emphasize... "it takes 2 to fight, and 2 to stop. It's NOT about who's fault it is... stop fighting... and hug." I also teach especially my eldest, about forgiveness and how to "appreciate" her little brother when she is upset. I use the word 'appreciate' and 'fair' a lot with them.

My house is noisy too... my sister calls it the 'zoo." But kids are kids. Also, at 2 years old...they will often mimic the older child. So, if she yells, the youngest may yell and 'defend' herself. I tell my kids "stop." It doesn't matter who or what or who's fault... just stop. I also teach my girl how to 'problem solve'... if they are doing something that they then fight about... then what else can you do? I also teach my eldest that as her little brother grows up... he does not know everything SHE knows...he is learning... so she can 'help' him learn and she should not get upset if he does not understand like she does. At her age now... she is very 'aware' of child development and what my young son is going through... I 'explained' (age appropriately) what the 'terrible 2's" are... I gave her a head's-up as to what a little toddler will be going through too. She in turn, learned 'empathy' from this... which is another word I use with them a lot and I give examples and do it.

It's not easy. All kids fight. But, they DO need our help and 'coaching." Not just leaving them be and letting them fight it out on their own, by themselves. Kids need to always 'learn' how to problem solve, and how to get along with others... and what a 'sibling' means... so they always have their back throughout life....

Good luck,
Susan

My sons went through this...and still do occasionally. I found the most effective, and quiet, way to deal with this is to give them five minutes to resolve their issue of the moment. If they can't, ground them from each other. They may not play together, period (for a period of time set by you, of course).

My sons learned that the only thing worse than fighting with each other is not being able to be together.

Bonus with this method: they learned to self-entertain very well. <wink> Always a plus...

Good luck!

I agree with Julia, let your girls learn to work out some of their disagreements. Don't play referee all the time. When they're arguing, listen from the side and see what they're arguing about. If it's something petty, let them work it out. But the moment it becomes physical (hitting each other or throwing toys), you must step in and tell them hitting is absolutely not acceptable. If they are yelling at each other, tell them it needs to be "indoor voice" and talk not yell. You must say this in a very firm tone. If all else fails, separate them to different rooms or corners of the same room. Tell them if they can't play well together, they can't play with each other. They'll get bored playing by themselves and most likely will want to play with each other. Remember to praise them when they are playing well together.

That's what I do with my 3 boys. When they start to get on each other's nerve, I tell them to stop playing w/each other and do their own things. It's worked pretty well so far. Of course, there were times when I did raise my voice and yelled at them.

Have fun w/your girls.

My almost 3 year old and 4.5 year old were starting to have the same problem. We had one play room and no toys in their bedrooms and when I added distinct toys in each room (dress up in one room, baby dolls & house in one room, etc) things changed. My older daughter started needing her alone time without her little sister trying to take all of the toys. I think the combination of alone time and change of scenery helped immensely with them getting along. Now when they start fighting, they can take a break in their own rooms and have plenty to keep them occupied until they are ready to play together again. I also initiated a rule that if I don't know who had a toy and they start fighting over it instead of taking turns, the toy gets time out for 1-2 days. I also don't allow the girls to be mean to each other by words or actions. They started the "I don't like you" and "I'm not gonna be your sister any more" and it didn't last long when they had to apologize and give hugs and kisses after one telling the other that. I also gave them better words to express what they are feeling or to let me know if they want alone time. I hope some of these suggestions help. It's what helped my little angels.

Try little activities they can do together or at least at the same time seperately, say at the table. I have gone to the dollar tree and the cheaper stores this summer and purchased all kinds of little things to color or paint or put together. It really helped me to just set them up together kinda, doing something. I also encouraged them to see what the other had done and to comment on what they thought. Such as that is so pretty or dont you love that. Things like that. The fighting however, I feel like it goes in waves. Especially as they get older. The fighting gets different too. Alot of the time its just mild boredum. I encourage them to go outside alot to. It will get better soon. Keep the faith.

I have three a 5 year old, a almost 3 year old, and a 4 and a half month old and yes it is normal. Mine our girl, boy, girl and still fight over everything. He wants her stuff she wants his stuff and the baby just thinks that they are funny. Yelling, crying, the world is just not fair. The good news is I have heard that it gets a little easier as they get older and find their own nitch. That is not to say that it will ever completely stop but I don't know about you but I would treasure a day where everyone spoke in soft tones and no felt as though they were getting shorted. I know in my family with age things got better so it is just the waiting game. Good luck and hang in there.

My girls are also 5 and 2. My biggest problem has been the little one hitting or pulling the big one's hair. I brought it up with the dr. yesterday because we tell the little one NO andput her in time outs, but it doesn't help...she smiles and laughs. The dr. said we should put ourselves in a time out and leave her alone...then she doesn't get the attention she wants and won't be smiling!

It makes sense. Thought I'd try to pass it on. Hope it works for both of us!

S. :)

Hi A.,

My son is 17 and my daughter is 16 and have been bickering since they came out of the wound!! It's normal, since I myself come from a family of 8 boys and six girls....as long as it doesn't get abusive then it's a problem!! They love each other dearly and now at this age, actually have conversations about school and friends but still get into arguements now and again!! Believe me if someone even looked at my daughter wrong my son is right there and the same for my daughter, she advices him on the girls he has crushes on and visa versa!! Like I said, as long as it doesn't get abusive....it's normal and healty!!! Means, they love each other!!! Good Luck!!! V.

Hi A.,

My nieces are 8 and 5. They fight constantly - usually over a toy. So it is normal and it drives us all crazy - especially my mother when she babysits. She said there is constantly noise. Also, the 5 year old is old enough now to "pay back" her older sister for 5 years of torture so she has been starting some of the fights.

First try to figure out what causes the fighting so you can figure out your plan of action. It may be hard for you to convince the 2 year old not to fight at this point so you may have to concentrate on the older one ("you're such a big girl and big girls don't fight...")

I personally would use some positive reinforcement with them. Give them a big sticker chart. They get stickers for all the days they don't fight. After a certain amount of stickers they get a treat or present. This worked with my son when I wanted him to break a bad habit. (He's an only child so I don't have the fighting issue.)

My brother, however, started using some negative reinforcement. He threatened to throw away anything they were fighting over. He went so far as to throw one of their toys out the car window to get them to behave. This has helped a little.

I hope this helps. Unfortunately they are always going to fight a little...

Good luck!

My girls are also 3 years apart so I know what you mean. They are now 3 and 6. I just take away (sometimes throw away) whatever it is they are fighting about and I also put both of them in a timeout. I do not ask who started it, who did what, etc. I do not want them fighting with each other, they need to use manners and words to work out their differences. Anytime I hear fighting, it means an automatic timeout. And they sit on the same bench (opposite ends) for the time out. At the end, we discuss ways that we can use manners ("I could ask for a turn instead of grabbing it"). It will get easier as your little one gets a better handle on speaking, but I always stress saying please and asking for a turn "when you are done with that" and taking turns choosing the game. Sometimes I intervene to play "guess how many fingers I'm holding behind my back" so we can decide who goes first, or setting the timer, so each child gets a turn with a toy, but I try to stay out of their play and just punish them for fighting.

Dear A.,

I really don't have any special advice. You could start to quietly separate them when any tiny little disagreement gets started. Take them by the hand one to one bedroom and one to the other. It won't be long until you can say go to your time out room. ....and they will. The five year old is in the bossy stage of her life and the two year old is in the I want to be independent stage of her life.

No more screaming, just quietly stop it before it gets loud.
C. N.

Hi A., try and give them activities seperate from one another, 5 and 2 is a wide range for playmates, after they have doheir seperate thing, they may do better whan they come back together. J.

Hi. I have the same problem. My girls are 4 1/2 and 20 mos. So almost exactly your kids ages. I work full time and both girls want to spend time with me when I get home. The youngest is always pushing her older sister off my lap and taking things from her older sister. I just don't know what to do anymore. My oldest tries real hard to be patient with her baby sister, but she gets mad too. Then she starts yelling at the baby, and I am yelling at both of them. I too have been told it is normal, but would like to hear what some other moms have done in this situation. Thanks for asking the question.

Hi A.. I know that some kids fight more than others, and some kids just are more difficult to raise than others. Still- if you're "always yelling at them", then it sounds like there needs to be more positive interactions among you. I know that being a working mother, that you're tired at the end of the day. Still- the time you spend with them needs to be positive and fun. Are you able to pay attention to both of them and just play with them some, spend time together doing things that they enjoy....rather than always focusing on cooking and cleaning when you're at home. Also if you and your husband can sometimes have a play date just with one of them, it goes a long way. I would also focus on extra hugs and affirmations for them when they're not at each other's throats. I would think that some of the bickering is just the girls negotiating things between the two of them, and I would try to stay out of it- or model appropriate responses for them. For example, if they start name calling ( and it's frequent....we all have break-downs sometimes) I would say something like "We don't call people names that hurt in this house. Say," I'm angry ......(that you took my doll, always want your way, don't want to play with me- whatever- if they're verbal enough for that) , and escort the one girl away from the other.

I hope this advice is helpful. I raised 3 kids of my own, who were "easy"- but not all of the time of course, and have worked 30 years with plenty of families with kids who frequently are not so easy to raise.

Try to find out exactly they are fighting about. The 5 yr old shouldn't be fighting with the 2 yr. old by that age they should know about sharing. I have a 7 and 8 yr old daughters they do bicker, but most of the time is just that they are still learning how to compromise. Your 2 yr old still to young to comprehend sharing is all about them. Buy some cool coloring books or "big girl stuff" for your 5 yr old just for her, maybe feeling more as big girl will calm down some of the fighting.

Hello A.,
Sounds to me as though if everyone does not start using their
quiet voices-Mom may have to be taken care of! If she doesn't end up with a nervous breakdown!!! This sounds extremely nerve racking to me.
Tell your Husband-You are at your wits end ask him to explain to the girls. Have him be overly dramatic! This is what children will respond to.
Your health just may be at stake here!
Good Luck To You,
C. S.

I don't have more than 1 yet. but my brother and I are 4 years apart and when we got into a big fight my mother would instigate. (strange but it REALLY worked!) "S. you hit him.""Jonathan, your turn" We were so afraid to fight in front of her that it was "no Mommy please can we stop?!" So the treat was that she would make us fight. Evidently my grandmother told her to try that and I remember us getting along so we wouldn't have to do this.
It might work for you.

Hi Adrian,

I too am having lots of squabbles between my twins. I started taking away something they both like from them for a period of time. They love about 15 minutes of cartoons in the am. They are 5 so they are only allowed cartoons if they are ready for school. If there is a fight the night before or in am I say "no cartoons." If they touch each other physically I will say, "Darn, now we cannot have popsicles tonight." This seems to be working but I am not sure how it will effect your 2 year old. I also started reading a "Have a New Kid by Friday." I think it will be great... if I finish it.

Good luck - S.

Hi A.,

You could have easily substituted my name for yours on your post. My son is 4.5 and my daughter will be 2 in a couple of weeks. Your house sounds just like mine :) I guess that's normal. I just try to give them some space apart and give them individual activities to work on once in a while to give us a break from each other. We also still do "quite time". My son may not take a nap (unless his pooped from another activity), but he has to spend 1 hour in his room doing a quiet activity like reading while his sister naps and I get a break. Good luck!!

same problem with 2 grandboys same ages only thing we to is try to give each one one=onone time and it helps a little

Hi A.:
I was raised in a family with 6 other siblings,and we fought constantly.Drove mom and dad crazy,until they began using their heads. lol Don't constantly play referee. Let your girls work out some of their own indifferences. It will help the two of them learn to live,and adapt to each others personalities,they'll discover through their disagreements,how to cope,and become best friends.Ultimately,They will learn how to except each other for who they are as an individual.I'm not saying there aren't occasions,where you need to involve yourself.All children need direction,but listen,and if it sounds petty,let them iron it out. Half the time,they start up,just to see if your (Paying attention)or your still around.I wish you and your darlin daughters the best.