Siblings at Birthday Parties

I'm so accustomed to birthday parties being "family" type parties with the parents and siblings around, that I didn't catch on at first to your dilemma. I think others have fairly well covered ideas for you, but am going to throw in one more concern from the perspective of the parents of the attendees. If the parents are expected to be there with the child attending the party, or if they want to be there (and some may want to be there simply because it's a pool party and they want to be around to help oversee safety issues) it may not be convenient or cost effective to not bring the sibling. Having a child attend a birthday party usually involves anywhere from $10 and up for a gift, and if the parents are forced to also pay a sitter for care for their other children, it may not be worth it to them to let their child attend. You might want to try to evaluate those possibilities on the part of the ones you've invited and try to address issues as best as you can.
I think it might be possible to let the parents know that they are welcome to come and observe the activies with their younger ones, but that they are totally responsible for the younger one's care and no one goes into the pool except your daughter's guests. Maybe provide an area where the parents could let their younger children play with toys brought from home while the others are in the pool. But if you do this, you will have to make it clear prior to the party that the parents are totally responsible for their kids because you will be busy with the guests at the party.
In the end, it's your child's party and you get to make the decisions. Just be prepared to understand if your decisions eliminate some from attending that it isn't necessarily a negative reflection on you, but may be due to a genuine need on the part of the other parents and kids.

1 mom found this helpful

How old is your daughter? Unless she and her friends are all under five, I don't see why the parents would be hanging around for the party anyway, much less asking if sibs can come.
I would just say "this party is just for x and her friends. We'd like to keep it small. You can drop your child off at this time, pick up is at this time." Hopefully, they get the hint!
However, if you've actually invited the parents too, then it's a little tougher to ask them to keep their younger ones at home :)

If the party is on a week day then I would have to say allow the siblings to come because it is probably difficult for the parents to find sitters. If it's on the weekend, then just let them know that you are concerned about the number of kids in the pool and would like to limit the attendees to those friends of your daughter's. I know that it might be harder on you (I'm not sure the age of your daughter), but you also might suggest that the parents simply drop their kids off for the party and come back at a designated time.

you have every right to dictate what type of party you have and who comes. however, being a mother of four, I would not beable to bring one without the others. And when i throw parties I always include all siblings all ages....it just goes along with having a party.

I would invite the siblings to swim for an hour at the end of the party as the parents are picking up their daughters. That way you can get rid of any leftovers that you want eaten and the siblings all get a chance to swim. If there is any food or cake you want to save, just put it away before the end of the party.

This means a little more work for you and extending your time out at the pool, but it solves your problem in a satisfactory way. Good luck and have fun!

I think I would tell them that for safety reasons, you don't think the younger children can come. Not only do they need additional supervision in the pool because of drowning issues, but the pool will be overcrowded causing a safety issue.

When I have not wanted siblings, I wrote on the invite, "No siblings, please."

I had to decide if I was willing to have parents say "No" because of that. My daughter and I talked about it first. She didn't want them there, so together we said no.

I don't really understand why parents to that. Let their children have time away from the sibs once in a while. Okay, I have one child and am an only child, so maybe that is why I don't get it.

Say, "No, we're not having any siblings. Thank you for checking."

Stephanie

I'm surprised at so many responses telling you to "say you're concerned about the safety and then maybe they won't come". Um, hello, this is a pool party and you really do have to be concerned about safety- I would indicate that you are fearful for any younger sibs water safety and are too scared to take responsibility- which you should be! Maybe give parents the option to go in the water w/younger sib(s). Or even better, agree with another response- it's okay but they are absolutely not allowed in the water because of safety issues! If you are concerned about your daughter's attention being taken away- I don't know if that can be controlled even by having an exclusive only-for-her friends party. You will do the right thing. Best wishes.

Hi K.,

All your concerns are valid. It is sometimes difficult to be gracious when people want to impose by asking to bring additional guests. Simply say in a note, email or phone call that the party is limited to just yor daughters friends. Be prepared for some of the invited kids parents decline the invitation....their loss.

Blessings.

Hi K.,

I agree with Toni-- But be prepared for some to say they can't come if the sibling isn't welcome to as well. Have a great party~

M.

I would say sibs can come but Mom has to stay to watch them. Make sure that they know you will not be responsible for watching and/or entertaining sibs. Not including sibs may have a backlash of no-one coming. That would be very hard on your dd.

T.

You could always say, "Since it will be a pool party, you will need to get in the pool with your toddler if he wants to swim. We haven't hired a lifeguard, and I'm concerned for the safety of smaller children since the party is really for the big kids." Or something to that effect.

If it's simply that somebody doesn't have childcare available and therefore needs to bring the little one with them, why not just be inclusive? Maybe it would mean one or two kids additional, but in the grand scheme of things, is it REALLY that big of a deal? I've been in that position a few times with my older daughter, and we do want to help her friends celebrate and share those special childhood moments, but it really does get expensive when you consider buying the $20 gift, plus then a good $40 in childcare costs for the younger child. Birthday parties become very cost-prohibitive for guests! Just a different perspective. =)

If you and the other parents know each other well, I have a suggestion for you:
Set up an area for the younger kids to play in somewhere not in view of the pool. Send out a message explaining that you understand that babysitters are hard to come by, but that would like your daughter and her friends to have a party without the little ones disrupting them and ask for volunteers to supervise each area. You don't need to have gift bags or even cake for the younger kids. Depending on their age they may not even notice! Some inexpensive snacks would be nice though. You don't say how old your daughter is but personally, I'd be nervous about having kids dropped off for a pool party. That's a lot of supervision on top of hostess duties!

You didn't say how old your kid is. Old enough for parents to drop off and pick up their kids? If not, they may have no other choice but to bring sibs, or not come at all. I have three little ones. On occasion I can leave two with my husband, depending on the time. But, if he's not available it's either all or nothing. If you choose to have a no sibs policy I think you will either need to provide childcare for the older kids or expect some won't be able to make it. Hope you have a fun party.

N.

K.,

To be blunt, I am astonished at the responses. The correct adjective for these parents who want to bring siblings to a party is "rude". The invitation is for the invitee, not her/his brothers and sisters. There is no need to be "gracious" to these people--they wouldn't recognize it. Tell them that you have planned the party only for the invitees and you cannot handle additional children. You can even apologize for this, but believe me, the apology will be over their heads.

E.

We've only invited younger siblings if they're actual friends of our family. Otherwise, I let people know when they ask that siblings can come only if there's room (goes for older siblings, too) and that I'll let them know. If you know in advance you don't want them there for sure, then I would say the party is strictly for your daughter and her friends. Birthday parties are expensive enough, so I don't see paying for kids who aren't even friends of my birthday child. Be prepared, though -- some parents won't ask and will just show up with siblings, rather than just saying no if they can't make childcare arrangements.

Hi K.,

I have had all types of dilemmas over birthday parties with my 3 kids over the years including this one. At least your friends are asking! Sometimes my kids friends just show up with their sibling. I have learned to be very clear on the invitation. You could write something like "due to safety reasons, (due to type of party, due to number of children invited etc), we request no siblings at this party. Thank you. No one will think you are mean or rude or anything, they will just know you have thought about it and there are reasons (they don't really need a full explanation or any reason that makes sense to them),and it will work best without extras. They will also realize that perhaps it's not just their one extra child but that others have asked too and the party is getting to be too many or unbalanced. It's nice of you to want to be gracious and polite but remember it's your party for which you pay and are responsible for what happens. You have a right to dictate some terms. Good luck! Take the pressure off yourself and keep the party the way you want it.

I can see this from both sides. I think it's totally okay to expect to have a party without siblings, that is if you are okay with the party being a drop off type of party and are not expecting the parents to hang around. In my situation, my husband works on the weekends and finding childcare for my younger child is difficult. Now that my older daughter is 4 almost 5 and parties are either drop off or she may know another friend's mom, it's easier for her sibling and me not to go. When she was younger and she wanted me to stay, it was more of a dilemma. I was fortunate that most of the moms had more than one child and could relate to the problem. I honestly believe, most moms would prefer to only take the child invited if they could work out the logistics. Just a different perspective for you to consider. However, you are entitled to have the party you want for your daughter.

As far as the focus being more on the little ones instead of your daughter, I've never encountered this and we have always included younger siblings in my older daughter's parties. As far as safety, pools have policies for the ratio of swimmers to lifeguards, so that shouldn't be a huge concern. Although, if you are having it at your own pool without a lifeguard, I would make sure you have plenty of adult supervision for the attendees. Additional costs for more lifeguards, I understand that and it's a valid point. If you really don't want siblings then just say in planning the party, you planned it for the specific number of attendees and unfortunately can't accomodate the extra siblings. Be prepared that some of the guests may not be able to attend. Hope you daughter has a fantastic birthday party and don't stress out too much about this. Everything will work out just fine.

K. ~ I really don't think that the younger kids coming would over shadow your daughters birthday. Everyone knows that it is her birthday party. I think that maybe the parents are going to want to stay and hang around seen as you are having a swim party. I would not take my kids to someones house for a swim party and leave them there, it would just not be comfortable for me, unless I knew them VERY well! I have always figured that there would be situations for my kids birthdays where parents would need to bring younger siblings, it just happens that way sometimes and you really have no choice. I think that if you want the kids to come that you invited, then you need to be accomodating. I don't think that you have to do gift bags for the younger siblings, and in the case that I have brought a younger sibling to a birthday party, I always brought an extra gift from her also..... I think you are being unrealistic thinking that the focus will shift from your daughter, and really what are you teaching her by that example? Good Luck!

I've experienced this problem many times with parents. I try to indicate on the invitation exactly WHO is invited, but there are always parents who are clueless it seems.

If it's simply a cost issue and you don't mind the children, explain that and ask for payment (and parental supervision if needed) for the additional child. You have a budget for the party and this would cause you to exceed it. I did that and when the parent learned it would cost $20 for the additional child, suddenly the parent had no problem with the child going home with them.

If it's your daughter's age and wanting fun with just her friends, explain that too. It's not always clear to some parents, especially those with large extended families who seem to include everyone for every celebration, that sometimes kids want time with just friends their age.

Hi K.,

Bday parties are hard. People have budgets and limits with help. Pool Safety is huge.
Here is my genuine opinion. Pool parties are for small groups of friends. As a pool owner and an avid safety advocate. Too much risk.

I also know that people often have no one to watch their other children, or it causes so much upset they choose not to go. I love park parties and they always fun.

Food can be easy and simple.

Water balloons...water parks..water spray shooters..

As a single mom, it is no doubt difficult to imagine what you do with your other child if you had a second? I am an only and have had all situations and can tell you that of course it is great to just take one child (easier on mom too at times as you are not going in several directions) but sometimes it is so hard to make it work. Also, siblings go through stages where they are very close and want to share. Lastly, to invite young children (2-3) to a pool and forbid them in the pool is cruel to me. My 3 year old swims laps now and would be heartbroken. If you choose to do that, let the poor moms who pack up the swim suits, towels and sunscreen with toys know so she can prep their other children.. how do mother's of two children keep both children safe in pools?
Children are at high risk for drowning until age 9 and even then, need eyes and ears on them and most lifeguards are not parents..are young teens and do not have the keep radar for safety that comes with parenthood.

I am trying to paint a global picture.

I know a same age, peer only party is ideal. I just want you to create situations that work for your daughter and not leave her disappointed that people do not come or show up with siblings.

Hello K.: I have delt with this many times over the years with 5 children to have parties for. Recently at one grandchild's party I was literaly shocked that she ended up with 15 extra children and one parent had the nerve to leave the younger child and go shopping!!!
You are able to put on the invitation that no siblings are invited, or there is not enough supervision for extra siblings. There is almost double the costs of extra children for food, prizes, and the guilt of not having a treat for each child to take home. I know that my daughter always plans on treats for the parents that come and stay at the party. If the parent knows in advance then they can make childcare arrangements for the younger children if they are going to stay at the party with the invited guest.
Please know of another thing that I have seen at children's parties of late SET a firm time for Drop off and Pick up. We had one child that was 2 hours late being picked up by a irresponsible parent that said they just got side tracked.
Good Luck and have fun at the party. Nana G

Hi K.,
This is a difficult decision. On the one hand I see you want to be gracious & welcome everyone but I do see the extra work involved & your attention may not be solely on your daughters party with all these other kids.....
However, with it being the middle of summer, a swim party probably sounds good to the parents too, especially if they don't have a pool themselves.
So make a compromise.......let the other parents know that they are welcome, as well as younger siblings "IF" they stay with them & supervise these kids themselves. This way you will not be responsible to watch ALL of these kids yourself.You can concentrate on those kids that were invited. It may also prove helpful to have so many other parents about.....a pool party should be strictly chaperoned. Too many things can happen, even with kids that are good swimmers....
Let the parents know, that even though this party is strictly for your daughter & her direct friends you would not be opposed to letting sibilings come IF they were supervised by that parent & let them know that cake & party favors will be for invited guests only....I honestly don't know ANY mom's (especially a single parent) that wouldn't understand. If they do put up a fuss then just tell them " I honestly can not watch all these other kids, I limited myself to a number of kids I felt I can safely supervise, and that is how many were invited"....DONE...I don't know ANY parents that would send thier child to a pool party if they weren't positive that they were being watched the whole time.....
Don't fret.....enjoy the day...your daughter deserves it!
I have ALWAYS found that if you are just up front & honest with other parents, they ALWAYS understand....and if they don't then the problem resolved itself anyway....right??
Have Fun.....Happy Birthday

You can say "no siblings allowed" but as long as your are expecting the parents to stay with their child at the party that may mean that some kids won't be able to come. I see three choices:

1) Say no siblings and deal with the consequences of no shows.
2) Include siblings and set something up that works for them. A play area etc.
3) If your daughter is old enough maybe you could offer for parents to drop off their kids. Since it is a pool party you could have a few of your daughters friends bring their parents for extra supervision.

If the parents are dropping off, it should be ONLY the intended invitee. If the parents are staying, then the siblings should also be welcome, just comes with the territory. If the kids are so young that parents stay, don't you know the families anyway? That's my own opinion- however it's your party, you're the boss!

I would just tell the parents that you feel bad, but not this time. We are just doing a big girl party!