Shyness

Hi C. -

I was a very shy child in an outgoing family. What I remember is not wanting to be the center of attention. I was perfectly happy to try new things as long as I was not in the spotlight. Right now she needs to know she is safe in her family and they won't make her do things she is uncomfortable with. I think mom could have her do things that she is interested in that maybe her siblings are not interested in with mom near and then as she gets a little older she will be able to trust that mom is not going to put here in situations where she is afraid. Don't push to hard, she is still very young.

I was terribly shy as a child, and I'm now raising a very shy little boy. Whatever you do, don't push! That will just make matters worse. The best thing you can do is prep her like crazy: tell her days in advance of a birthday party, have her imagine herself playing games and eating cake, talk about it in a positive no-pressure kind of way. And if you can stick around while she warms up to new activities, that would be ideal. Your presence means safety, so even she clings to you for the first 20 minutes, just wait it out and don't push her. She'll fly on her own terms, and in doing so her confidence will grow. Can you tell that my outgoing mother used to push me into situations I felt uncomfortable with? It was awful! Good luck to you.

C.,

I agree with Peg, encourage your daughter to let your granddaughter interact as she so chooses. Forcing a kid to do anything they are not comfortable doing is detrimental. Your granddaughter will be just fine as long as she knows that Mommy still loves her no matter what. It's okay to be shy, people seem to forget that in today's hustle and bustle lifestyle.

You might want to suggest to your daughter to try encouraging your granddaughter (i.e. Do you want to go play with so and so?), but if she says no accept it with an "okay, when you're ready to go play, go ahead". That way she won't feel pressured to do something that she's not comfortable doing.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi,
My daughter has always been extremely shy also. We homeschool her and her brother, who is as opposite of shy as one can get- so it is not a socialization thing! She is now 10 and just this last year has blossomed so much. She is taking classes, talking to people both kids and adults, and looking forward to new experiences.
It has not always been that way. She was a major velcro kid! What has worked for us -
First we talked often about what shyness is - simply being uncomfortable in certain situations.
We talked about what could happen if she went ahead and did the "scary" thing. Usually it was nothing awful and she recognized that, but it didn't matter. We just kept talking it out and letting her know it was okay to feel that way.
We pointed out that she had a warm up time, it was about 45 minutes in the yearly years and got steadily shorter, now if she is in a truly new situation, it takes about 20 minutes, usually less. We would remind her that once she was warmed up she would have fun, even though it didn't feel like that was possible during that warm up time.
Once she warmed up, I would make some excuse to leave her side, and eye sight, to give her the experience of being on her own having a good time. And when the experience was over we would talk about how cold she felt at the beginning and how warm she felt at the end. I would tell her to remember this feeling the next time we were working thought the warm up period. She would grin at me. She knew the drill!
It got to the point that she would turn to me and say, I'm warm now, it's okay if you need to do something else. Or she would clutch my arm and say, "Just a few more minutes, I'm not quite thawed!"
We also talked about her having a "shy button" that would get pushed when we least expected it. Like when she was having a good time at a friends and someone else showed up and she would all of a sudden be irritable or say things that weren't very friendly. "I want to go home, I don't like playing here", or on a scout outing when the buddies would change and it would startle her and she's say too loudly "I don't like her, she's weird"... Ugh, what she was really feeling was that this is someone I don't know well enough to be comfortable, and I don't have a choice, what am I going to do?... I'll find a reason not to deal with it!" We would remind her that that wasn't quite true, that her shy botton just got pushed, and she needed to wait through her warm up time all over again and yes it was frustrating but she couldn't hurt other people just because she was having a panic attack!
It has been a journey, but it it delightful to see her doing thing this year that I never would have thought she would do. She just stood up in front of a big Karate class of students and parents and performed her blue belt kata, yelling out strong and perfomed so self assuredly, she stunned everyone, they've all seen her struggle with shyness. It was wonderful, the karate instructor when he gave her her new belt said "I guess shyness is not a problem for you anymore!" That is such a good thing for her to hear!

I think that giving her the tools and the vocabulary to really understand what was going on inside herself and letting her know it was okay, and that we would work through it, has helped so much. She is really coming out of her shell and enjoying herself. She still has little panic attacks, or shy button moments but she knows what to do about them.

I hope this helps.
~D.

My daughter is very shy and reserved too, and we found that pushing her into situations she didn't feel comfortable with made it worse! How would you feel if someone made you face your feer every single day? She needs to know she can rely on those closest to her to make her feel safe and secure. You also all need to accept that shy is part of her personality and love her just the way she is without trying to change her.

Having said that, it is important to teach her how to cope with her shyness so it does not become an obstical in her life. When with her at the park, or a birthday party, encourage her to venture off and play without you, but don't force her. Help her find a best friend and have lots of playdates so she can learn to trust someone else. She will just be one of those kids that prefers to watch when the group gets too big and will have a couple BEST friends instead of being the most popular girl in school.

Nope. Shy children won't become more outgoing if they are pushed into activities - they just become more anxious. Shyness is a personality trait. It's part of her temperment. The key to her social development is building her confidence and I don't believe tossing her into the deep end (of activities) will help.

I highly recommend the book "Emotional Intelligence." I can't remember the author off-hand, but this is a book that was the basis of one of my college psychology classes and it was a HUGE eye opener with regard to responding to different personality traits. This book will give you and your daughter strategies that will aid in the confidence-building and overall social development of your granddaughter!

My thoughs on the "shyness". Be sure NOT to talk about the "shyness" around her. That is labeling it. Unless you use the wording "feeling shy" instead of "being shy". I personally would just point out to her that all the other children look like they are having alot of fun. If mom and her are part of a "mom club" having the same friends to play with on a very regular basis, maybe mom could start "pulling" away at a very slow pace. Please remember to keep praising her AFTER each session with other children, point out to her how wonderful or into the play time she starts becoming.

Nope dont push her. But going to parks to play or have a picnic there with grandma or mom may help

My now 9 year old was also very shy. I worried about her so much when she started kindergarten. She really started to come out of her shell then. She is still alot more quiet than some kids, but is for sure confident. I think putting her in classes through the local parks and rec is a great idea. Some rec centers have a play zone that is inexpensive and would allow her to socialize in a non-competitive atmosphere. Parents do have to stay, usually they just sit on a bench on the side and watch. There are also simple art classes that are not expensive and would allow her to socialize without competition. I keep talking about the competition factor because it made my daughter so nervous. It was so much better to find ways to let her socialize without feeling like people were staring at her. By the way....she does not get nervous at school anymore when she has to give a speech or oral report. She does speak quietly, but can do it without much fear. good luck!

I think that if you're born with a shy temperament, it can only help to get a little "extravert" coaching. I wouldn't suggest throwing her into activities without someone by her side - in fact I think that could make things worse. I think that parents should play a role in introducing shy children to new situations and actually role modeling how they can/should participate with others. Mom, dad or another adult could help with introductions to other kids, show the kids how to play together, etc. If a child is highly reactive (their brain goes nutso) with new activities/people, then help them ease into it. After doing these activities for a while with a "coach," then she will likely loosen up a bit and join in on the fun on her own. Good luck - you sound like an amazing grandma!

I have battled shyness my whole life and as a shy person I would advise you to not just throw her into a social situation. Start out slow with a few kids she is acquainted with. When she appears comfortable with that start going bigger add some kids she doesn't know so well but start now so that when she hits kindergarten next year it isn't a shock for her. Hope this helps.

You probably already know the answer based on your own experience as a shy person. Were you happier, or were you more anxious, when adults were pushing you to be other than you were? Did you feel like a success or a failure?

I was a very shy child, and my well-intentioned mother very frequently forced me into situations that were far more social than I wanted. All the way through high school, I would contract into anxious, defensive silence. I might have looked terrified, or perhaps sullen, which would sometimes catch the attention of adults on duty. If they were sensitive to my discomfort and tried to give me space to be me, I could sometimes relax a bit and participate around the fringes of the group. If they shoved my into the activity and brought the attention of the other kids to me, I would become desperately unhappy and close down even more. I recall a number of times when I wanted to run away, or cry (which I couldn't do because then people would pay even more attention to me), or even die. I cannot recall a single time that "pushing" had the result of making me more relaxed or social.

There's space in the world for all sorts of people. Shysters can be thougthtful, introspective, and focused in ways that more extroverted kids never get around to. They are more likely to become good listeners, a social skill that can make them popular in their own special way, because extroverted children love being listened to.

I hope you will encourage this child's mother to make opportunities for group activity, but allow her to interact or not, at her own speed. And pay attention to what this little girl wishes to do for herself. Kids have a lot of native wisdom if they are supported in exploring their own paths.

I have a set of almost 8 year old twins. When they were four, I was very concerned about my shy one and her starting school. She was not only shy but let her very outgoing sister do all the talking for her.

I enrolled them in preschool, one where I could be as much as a wanted. This helped her immensely. On the days that she didn't want to socialize much, I stayed with her so the routine was still there.

In kindergarten, I kept the twins in the same classroom. It's hard to start school, let alone without someone who was been with you your whole life. The teacher never heard her talk once but she was making friends and very social with them.

In first grade, we separated them. I felt she needed to spread her own wings without her sister. She did wonderfully. She has her own friends and social life.

They are now in second grade and although she is still shy with her teacher, she is progressing well socially. We picked a very outgoing teacher for her too so it helps her to be social.It is a long process but we helped her go from painfully shy to being able to get past it in order to socialize.

So even though it is a personality trait, it can be improved just as as the other personality trait's we have. She is very happy and social. She talks on the phone and plays at her friends house. Just don't expect her to talk to you if you are over four feet tall unless she wants too!

C.,

I have a 25-year-old daughter who was extremely shy, so much so that I asked our family physician for advice when she was about 3. I could not leave her with anyone without her crying the whole time. I put her in a play group with other kids at about 2-1/2, but she still wouldn't really interact with the kids and preferred to play quietly alone. It was hard to get her to speak to anyone. I did all I could to encourage her and, for example, would tell her to go show so-and-so a toy or something and tell them about it. As she got older, things got a little better, but probably not until first grade. All through high school, even while she grew to be outgoing with friends, teachers would comment on how quiet she was. Now, at 25, she sings (even solos), works full time and sells Mary Kay in her spare time, and the joke that a family member once said is, "If she got as much exercise as her mouth, she'd be Super Woman."

Your granddaughter will grow out of it, and the best thing you can do now is to keep giving her opportunities to interact with other kids and adults, without Mom or Dad or brother. As long as a family member is around, she will stick with that person, as my daughter did. See if Mom will put her in a preschool or play group. Have a private meeting with the preschool teacher to develop a game plan that encourages your granddaughter to step out of her comfort zone a bit. It will take time, but she will learn to take baby steps. If possible, have her spend a night or two with you to get used to being away from Mom and Dad. Does Mom have a good and patient friend with a similar-aged child who would be willing to keep your granddaughter overnight?

I too was shy as a kid, but not as much so as my daughter was. While I understood her viewpoint to a degree, it was frustrating because, as a parent, I wanted to see her socialize with others. I think I didn't want her to experience the same feeling I had at times of being an "outsider."

In a nutshell, encourage her and just give her those opportunities to interact with people of all ages. Accept her and love her for her uniqueness, and give her the chance to learn to be independent. It may be a slow process, but be assured that she will be fine. And remember that even as adults, some of us are just more outgoing than others but are still able to be successful in life.

Best wishes.