Shy Child

Your daughter's shyness is a good thing. She is letting everyone know (most importantly, herself) her boundaries and what she is comfortable doing.

My daugther is shy and would not get involved right away and sometimes wanted me to go with her or to talk for her... even to family members.

Perhaps you can work with the instructor to just let your daughter in the class and observe. Once she gets comfortable and sees the fun the other kids are having, it may not be difficult for her to try and get into the dance too.

Has your daughter taken any preschool classes? If time permits, get involved with ECFE classes. They offer preschool and have one parent involvement day. Kids will transition with the teacher and then on one day (2 or 3 day program), the parents will be in the class with the child for a portion of time and then leave to discuss parenting topics.

This gives you a great chance to help your daughter transition and get a bit more social orientation. Likewise, it gives you access to some terrific parent educators and other parents for advice on all kinds of issues....

Jen,
Your post made me laugh because it reminds me of my mothers favorite story that she tells about me. She put me in ballet class at 4 and I cried the whole time and ended up refusing to return. Apparently I did the same thing a little closer to five years old. My mom swore she was not putting me in another class til I was ready. At six I went to see a friend dance in her recital and at the end begged my mom for dance lessons. I danced with that studio for twelve years and two years of college. Long story I know, forgive my nostalgia. The point is, I just wasnt ready when my mom thought that Ishould be but when I was ready I loved it. Maybe just give it time and she will let you know when she wants to try something new.

If she is already signed up and can't get a refund then I recommend just taking her each time but asking if she can just watch with no expectation to join the other kids. Let her watch and decide when she is ready to try it on her own. Establish ahead of time that she can join in but not grandma and that she can join when she feels comfortable. Then don't mention it again. With such a new situation she probably feels a need to understand the expectations and what is happening before jumping in.

J.,
My 5 year old is shy or reserved as some would say. I have him in a music class and he also has done basketball and t-ball. My husband or I had to stay close to him for sometime-he didn't sing in music class for at least a year after starting at age 3. He now has more confidence and can do things on his own but he continues to be hesitant in new situations. I was like this as a child and can understand where he is coming from. My advice is to expose your daughter to different social situations. Don't push her to let go of you but give her room to be independent.
M.

The only advice I can give you is encouragement because of my own experience as a child. First of all your daughter sounds totally normal and perhaps even happier than the average child. For instance, she loves the support and security that you or your mom offer her. You have obviously really nurtured her well. I was a shy kid with lots of friends, but still preferred to hang out with my mom and family. I really didn't like going to sleep overs and dropped out of dance class after 1 class! I just didn't really want to try new things back then. Now I am the complete opposite. I am 28 years old and have tried many different things out and take risks, such as meeting new people, trying new hobbies, or even trying new career paths. I guess my advice is to pay attention to what she wants to try and then support her in any way you can to make it happen. Maybe she isn't ready for ballet class, but might like classes that you or grandma are able to participate in. Swimming is a good one. I think parents are required to participate for such a young age.

My son is the same way. It's hard for him to warm up to anything. I would probably still take her to the ballet classes but not make her participate if she doesn't want to. Forcing the issue may make things worse. What I would recommend is a preschool program or something along those lines. Maybe headstart next year if you can't afford to pay for preschool. It's a great way for kids to interact with other kids and to prepare for school. My son screams his head off when I leave him with anyone, but at preschool he would stop a few minutes after I left after he had been there a few weeks. I also think maybe the swimming class advise someone else offered would be a good idea. Something that involves other kids but she can keep the close one on one contact with an adult she trusts. The best of luck to you!

My daughter will be 5 in June and she is also very shy. She refuses to speak to anyone outside of her comfort circle and we never try to push her into anything. Kindergarten will be interesting!! She is also in ballet and has been for nearly a year now. She has really enjoyed the class and loves to participate - mostly because she doesn't have to speak. We had tried gymnastics right before that and she was so scared she cried even when my husband was right next to her - even with her cousin in the same class.

If your daughter is too upset to try ballet I would try something else that she is more comfortable with. Maybe try the class one more time and if it doesn't work then leave it. Maybe she has a friend that takes another class. There are many types of activities and there will be one that is right for her.

Good luck!

I have a child like that and she is now five. We haven't put her into any classes until now. It is a slow, slow process for shy children so be patient. Do try going on outings with children around her age or having kids at your place. Shy children are more comfortable in their own surroundings.

E-mail me if you have any questions. My daughter still is pretty shy and we are still working on it. Here is a pretty good book about shyness:
The shy child : a parent's guide to preventing and overcoming shyness from infancy to adulthood / Philip G. Zimbardo and Shirley L. Radl. by Zimbardo, Philip G.

My first son was extremely reticent to go near adults. When I would try to leave him with the nursery at church he would become hysterical to the point where they thought he would hurt himself.

I had a lot of well meaning moms and others tell me to just walk away, and he'd be fine. This was not the case - that might have been fine for other kids, but he simply had that kind of personality.

Do not make your daughter feel bad for being shy. There is nothing wrong with her, and you didn't mess her up. Do give her opportunities, like this ballet class, to be with other kids and to do things on her own.

Here are things that helped me:

- Try to find other ways to describe your daughter - "shy" has a negative connotation. I often say "he needs a little warm up time" or "give him a minute on his own to check things out."

- If possible, check out a new place ahead of time. Drive by where a class or birthday party is going to be the day before. Visit the dentist's office and just check out the lobby, then leave.

- Talk about what might happen. E.g., "So, when you walk in, I bet the teacher will say 'Hi! Who are you?' and you'll say 'Hi! My name is...' What else do you think will happen?" We make a game of thinking of crazy stuff that might happen, even though we know it won't. We also discuss "bad" stuff that might happen, e.g., "hm...and what do you think you'll do if you fall down?"

- Try to get somewhere a few minutes early, before all the other kids are around. Your daughter is then dealing with one or two new faces at a time, not a rush of them. Think of the last time you were late to a party of people you didn't know, and were met at the door with everyone turning to look at you. That's daunting even for adults.

Good luck!

My Daughter is very shy. She will be 5 in November. In fact she would scream at any adult that talks to her and hide behind me. She has gotten better. What we changed is she started to go to daycare and now preschool. I just think that she need to interact with others. I was very hard at first because she didn't want me to go. I would talk to her the night before and while we were driving there telling her where she was going and that I wasn't going to stay. Now she runs inside with out me. It has been a big change. I also have just joined a Moms group. So she would have even more playdates.
Good luck if you need to talk feel free to e-mail me,
K.

Try and push independance on her. It will build self esteem and confidence. Getting herself dressed, brushing her teeth, putting her shoes on, getting a easy snack stuff like that where you let her do it all with little supervision.

Then from my experiance with preschool, tumbling classes like that it's best to leave them. They do so much better, and listen like angels usually when a parent isn't right there. They learn to do for themselves noone is there to baby them or for them to run to.

I was a painfully shy child so I've tried very hard to not have my daughter that way.My daughter's 5 yrs.old. Today we had Culver's for lunch. When my daughter was done eating she wanted her free kids icecream thing. I gave her the ticket and sent her to the counter all by herself and gave her instructions on what to say. It wasn't busy in there so it was a great learning opportunity. I sat and watched from our table, she did it all by herself with manners and politeness. (something I wouldn't have done as a child)

You need to interact her with more kids. Are you a SAHM? Maybe send her to a daycare 1-2 1/2 days a week or something. Or find some mommy outings but she needs to get more socialization it sounds like. When they're little, yeah it's great to keep them home but as they get older, they need to play with other kids.

Good luck!

My daughter used to be really shy too because of little interaction with other kids. She is still somewhat shy but we go to ECFE at our local school. It's nice because they have Mom and kids time and then the Mom's go to another room and the kids play. It has worked wonders with my daughter's social skills. If you work during the day most offer evening classes too. We go to a mixed ages class so I can bring all of the kids. It's a blast!
I noticed that you work with the developmentally disabled. I have a daughter that has Angelman Syndrome. I thank you for choosing your profession and for caring for some of our most precious people. I know it doesn't pay nearly as well as it should and it's very hard work so I commend you and thank you :o)
Best Wishes,
J.