Shouldn't My Husband's Daughter Shower Alone by 8 Y/o?

First question.. Welcome...

What is so wrong with a bath? He's not in there with her, I hope!

Is there a reason she should bathe vs shower? A bath vs shower does not contribute to her behavior. Her behavior is probably based on her parents tearing her world apart, divorcing and moving on with their personal lives without considering her personal emotions of now being split between 2 homes.

Gees... I shower daily but I've been known to love a nice relaxing bath.

More details are needed on the post because why would a step mom think an 8 yr old taking a bath is wrong???

Per a few recent first posts... I'm calling troll

Why is this an issue? What is wrong with baths? Why do you care if she still wants dad to help her wash her hair? It is not like she will go off to college still needing help, don't worry about it.

My 9 year old prefers baths most of the time. He's capable of washing his hair, but he doesn't always do a good job. It's a work in progress.

I don't think there's really anything wrong with her still needing an adult to wash her hair. And there's definitely nothing wrong with her preferring baths. Not me, I prefer taking showers. To each it's own.

I feel like some schools shouldn't give winter breaks

M., This is SMALL stuff. If you are getting triggered this early on in the marriage, it's time to talk with a therapist. There are going to be plenty of other things that drive you nuts, if this does. IMO, let this one go... and go and talk with someone. That way you save your marriage from unnecessary stress and tension.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Leave it alone.

are you really nagging them over it? why not work it out before your new husband became your new husband?
i mean, i'm with you in that an 8 year old is plenty old enough to take a shower. that doesn't even make sense. is he still bathing her and washing her hair for her?
i think it's a bit weird to expect an 8 year old to 'clean the bathroom' each time she takes a shower. i don't do that and i'm 56. or do you just mean pick up her towels?
i don't get people who get married to others who have children and don't bother to discuss things beforehand. and nagging little girls and bitching about them to their dad isn't a great way to integrate yourself into their lives.
and yeah, it's YOU who needs to integrate. if he's any sort of a man, she comes first.
khairete
S.

You must be a LOT of fun to live with... You are seriously picking apart an 8 year old little girl because she likes a bath????!!!???! Guess what? I'm
36 and posting from my bathtub! I take a BATH twice a day, I shower when it's literally the ONLY option, such as on a cruise ship. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess you don't have kids of your own? Or if you do, they're very young... Let me give you some advice, make friends with that little girl, learn about her, buy her bath things, celebrate who she is, not who you want her to be. Let dad handle the overwhelming majority of the do this, do that. You have fun with her, especially here at the beginning! Don't try to make problems where there aren't any, bc if he is any kind of man/father, you'll be history soon if you keep up the critical attitude over such nonsense.

Yes you are being a nag over nothing. And being critical over how your hubby and his ex are raising their child isn't going to build a good basis for a long term relationship with this little girl.

He's your new husband and you are jumping in and telling him how to bathe HIS child?
Back off.
Let the girl take a bath.
Geesh

I wasn't aware that there was an age limit on bathing. I know many adults who prefer a bath to a shower. I certainly don't see how taking a bath could be considered creepy! Are you saying that she needs her dad to bath her? That would be a bit odd, but I don't think it is your place to do anything about it.

Well sure she probably could learn but it's his daughter not yours, so unless he specifically ASKS for your parenting advice I would let him decide how he wants to raise his daughter. I mean really, why do you even care if she takes a bath or a shower? Either way she's getting clean.

My daughter is 9 and I still help her wash her hair. She has a hard time getting her scalp really clean, but she knows how to do it. I also do not expect her to clean the bathroom, except to hang towels.

My take on him still giving her a bath is that they are bonding, since he is divorced I am sure he has missed out on a lot of her life. Try not to nag about these things to either of them. It is so important for dads to have good relationships with their daughters, especially if they are divorced dads.

My advise to you is to accept her unconditionally and always be her friend, not another mom. I have two step kids and I have always let then know that we have become a larger family and that I am not a replacement for their mother. I have a great relationship and have always communicated well with them.

You and your husband have a difference of opinion over this. Please leave the little girl out of it. It's not her struggle, it's yours. So she takes baths? Why is this such a big deal to you? Requiring her to hang up her towels is reasonable. Having a tug-of-war with this child (who is new to you and probably still a bit uncomfortable with the idea that Daddy has a new wife) over the particular method she uses to get clean is not. You are setting yourself up for the starring role as wicked step-mother in this little drama. Is that what you're aiming for?

Some kids are ready to shower by themselves at 8. Some aren't. My son, who has some sensory issues, had trouble putting his head in the water at all until he was nearly 10. My daughter, who at age 8 had long, thick, curly hair, needed help getting her hair clean. (One super cute pixie cut later, independence.) This child is on her timetable, not yours. You could choose to be supportive, or you could choose to be controlling. Choose wisely.

I still occasionally help the kids that age in the shower, if they smell like poop then I'm going to have them face away from me and I'm going to wash their butt and rinse it. Sometimes kids aren't that great at getting all the crevices.

If he needs to help her wash her hair because they are inept at teaching her how to do it herself then why don't you offer to help her. IF you are experienced in teaching kids to do that sort of stuff because I can tell you now, there are lots of hang ups about washing hair, getting water on their face, not being able to hold the shower sprayer and scrubbing their head, etc...it's hard to expect a kid who hasn't had any teaching to do something they don't want to do. To me bath time is quiet one on one time with the kiddo. You can sit on the toilet, dressed, and read to them, play toys with them, use those tub markers or colored soaps, etc...that make it special perfect time with your kid. It's not a big deal.

As for bath verses shower, no good reason to not take a bath. Taking a shower is more for an adult anyway. Kids love taking baths and playing until the water is cold.

I think you should be sensitive to a little girl who has to switch homes and is probably not pleased with the arrangement. I had a really hard time when my dad remarried. I was a little older than she is. Try a different approach. Maybe you can ask her if she'd like you to get one of those hand held shower attachments. That way she can control how much water hits her and from where. Then offer to help her clean up any extra water. Tell her it's normal to get water all over the first couple times. She might like the adventure as well as being able to have a say in a decision at your house. I got neither with my step mom.

Who are you nagging? her or your husband?
It's not the girl's fault whatsoever if no one has shown her.
She wouldn't be able to shower alone if no one has taught her how - so that part, give her a break.
If you'd like to volunteer to show her then run that past your husband. It's not "Here - bar of soap, shampoo, go to it". It takes a few times - especially if she has long hair.
Sounds like you're annoyed with your husband. If it's bothering you (for whatever reason) then explain why to your husband. As you say, nagging never helps. Good luck :)

The answer is NO. Since she only is with you on weekends, perhaps her weekday routine is to take a bath. Perhaps there's no shower, only a tub, at her other home. Perhaps her mother has told her that she'll show her how to properly wash her hair in the shower when she turns 9.

What is important at this age is that she should be having privacy, and she should know the basics of good hygiene. She should also respect her environment. By these I mean that she should be comfortable getting herself in and out of the tub with modesty, and she should know that a bath is more than a relaxing spa treatment - it also can involve a hair shampoo and the proper use of soap in order to get clean (washing under her arms, rinsing off, etc). And she should not toss towels around after her bath or leave dirty clothes or wet towels in a heap on the floor, or leave the tub undrained, or slop water all over the place, or waste shampoo.

I think that since this is your new husband and his biological daughter, you should leave the parenting guidance to him. I do think you have the right to help her learn about keeping the bathroom safe and clean - no puddles of water left on a slippery floor, a proper place for dirty clothes and used towels, etc. That's just basic good housekeeping and respect for others. But phrase it nicely. Don't express it like "you should know this by now", but rather "hey sweetie, I just wanted to let you know what can happen when you splash water all over the floor. Someone could slip and fall and get hurt, so let's make sure the water stays in the tub or gets wiped up after your bath, ok? And this is your towel rack. Just make sure to keep the towels fresh by hanging them up when you're done. Thanks for being so helpful!".

His daughter is not your call or your responsibility, you're right.

Baths are perfectly acceptable for all ages. Look at any bath store with a ton of accessories for adults who bathe - loofahs, bathtub shelves for accessories, book racks, inflatable pillows, and so on. Where did you get the idea that she must shower?

Your title says "shower alone" so what do you mean by that? That someone is in there bathing her? That's wrong. She's entitled to her privacy. But the bath alone is zero problem.

If he's babying her in other areas, that could be a problem. She's certainly not too "young" for a shower but if he doesn't have age-appropriate expectations, that's a problem.

You might expand your post to answer some of the questions that responders have so far. Don't delete your question, just add to it by writing "ETA" for "Edited To Add".

Depends. Is her hair long? My daughter has (and has always had) long hair. There is no way she could have properly shampooed, rinsed, conditioned and rinsed her hair properly at age 8.. .without the handheld/slide bar I had installed in the bathroom she uses. It was my intention to make it easier for her, b/c with the showerhead way up on the wall, and her head way down away from it, it just wasn't going to happen. The handheld made it easier, but the slide was the real trick. Because she could adjust it (and not have to use her hands, so she could use both in her hair) so that it was at the correct height for HER. Even so, at age 8, she often came out with suds still in her hair.

Give it a rest. Surely if she were able, her mom would be having her do it and she would exert her independence at your house as well.

I kind of don't understand why you find this weird. I am all grown up, still can't stand showers and take baths all the time. I am clean believe me, but showers and I do not get along.To me there is nothing better than taking a nice warm bath. So if she never takes showers oh well. let her be. You must have known before you married him if she stayed with you -about this. My husband's relatives take showers constantly. I believe that is because they are from an area where it used to be so hot all the time. I grew up in the midwest and was encouraged to take a bath every night as a small girl. Perhaps you grew up with the idea that you must jump in and out once you are clean.For simple cleansing purposes or because the water bill would be cheaper. As far as her taking baths I would be glad she does some sort of self cleaning. My children used to get pretty stinky. And I well myself prefer to indulge and celebrate with a bath--- ahhhh

Why is this an issue for you? Yes, she is old enough to tidy up the bathroom after using it, but the bath/shower issue is not one worth fighting. I suspect there is a deeper issue at hand.

Find that issue, deal with it with your husband, and let the little girl have as secure and gentle life as possible with her precious and few hours with her dad.

There's nothing wrong with taking a bath.
My Mom's 80 and takes one every day.
At 8 yrs old I hope your step daughter can handling doing that on her own.
She's old enough to bathe herself whether it's a bath or a shower.

What really causes this concern? Did you grow up being told that father's don't bathe their kids? I did. There was a sexual undertone to the way my parents treated us. Daddy never gave baths or was in the room when we were in the tub. Daddy rarely held me once I started school. Modesty was offended the reason for the rules. After I became an adult, I saw the way other Dad's treated daughters and understood that my parents' concerns were over emphasized. I talked with my mother and learned that they were concerned about the possibility of my being molested.

Could your concern be related to fear that your husband could be sexually involved with his daughter?

It's common for step-mother's to feel they are in competition with step-daughter's for their husband's attention. Often, underlying the feeling of competition, are concerns about sexuality. Often the mother is unaware of those feelings.

I wonder why you don't participate in bathtime in a happy unconcerned way. You and your husband are combining two previously separate lives into a new way of living as a new family. Both you and your husband will gradually integrate your two different ways of behaving into a way that is comfortable for everyone. The way you worded your post makes this situation one of criticism and dissension instead of lovingly working out how you both can be confortable.

I suggest that counseling will help both of you learn a way of interacting in a more loving way. You will have the opportunity to be aware and let go of "old baggage" (previous experiences that affect the way that you feel now) that each of you bring to the marriage.

A person needs to be aware of the cause of their feelings in order to know how accurate to the current situation those feelings are. Your sense of something being wrong may be caused by old experiences and feelings or may be based on what is currently happening.

For example a mom may have been molested as a child making that mom more sensitive to anything that seems to indicate that possibility. I was only able to effectively investigate sex offenses, as a police detective, after I dealt with my own sexuality issues.

All of us are influenced, either negatively or positively, by our past experiences. I suggest you ask yourself why you are concerned that showering is more appropriate than a tub bath. Why are you not wanting the father to participate in his daughter's bath routine? What past experiences may be the reason for being uncomfortable in this situation?

Based on many years of experiences as an adult, I now feel comfortable about fathers and daughters experiences that frightened me as a child.

I've also been jealous of the time my husband spent with his son. My husband seemed more in tune with his son than with me. My feelings were unrelated to sex. They were related to my need to be a perfect mother. I saw my husband not setting boundaries that I thought were essential to his/ours son's well being. We divorced. His son became a loving and responsible adult without my involvement.

BTW, my adopted daughter still prefers bathes. She was 7 and I continued to help her with baths and hygiene until she wanted to do it all by herself. Same with my granddaughter. My grandson is 12. This week is the first time, at my house, he totally managed his shower from getting the right temperature to putting on his jammies. This change from total dependence to independence happened gradually. The final step before this, was my getting the right temperture and laying out his pjs.

My grandson is a high functioning autistic child with sensory processing issues. His developmental age is closer to 10 than 12 as a result. I suggest your step-daughter may have emotional needs for being helped with her bath. Same with her Dad. Divorce affects everyone in a painful way.

I also suggest that "normal" eight years old children develop at different rates. I suggest, based on your question, that it's OK for Daddy to help his daughter at bath time. I suggest that you gradually become involved in a kind and loving way.

Yes, she should be able to. No, she does not HAVE to take showers. If you BOTH think that more showers need to happen, then you need to teach her what she needs to do. Step by step.

My daughter is 9 and has been self bathing/showering since she was maybe 3. I would wander in and out of the bathroom, reminding her of what needed to be done and checking on her. Even now she still needs to be reminded of things, like getting her clothing and towel BEFORE she gets into the water. Every now and then I even wash her hair for her because it's really long and hard for her to manage washing it all sometimes. My daughter showers during the week and takes baths on the weekends, she washes her hair every other night. We save baths for the weekends because my girl would camp out in the tub for HOURS if we let her and we only have one bathroom.

How weird it seems to me that you married a man with a child and you are only NOW living with him and wondering about these things??? Did you not spend time with them before you got married, did you not spend time getting to know their routine, how things were done in their household? I'm sorry but unless you are a mail order bride this seems really out of left field.

Are you saying that she doesn't wash her own hair? HOW does her hair get clean? Does her dad go in the bathroom and wash her hair for her while she's in the tub? Or does he wash it in the sink?

Sounds to me like your husband doesn't want her to grow up. Perhaps the girl's mother will have to deal with this.

Yes, you're being a nag over nothing. And it's not your business. That is HIS daughter. She's clean. Why do you care?

Abilities depend on the child. When I married my DH, SD was 8. She still had an adult start the water and wash her hair because it was long. She's still a bath person if she has time for it. I wouldn't overthink it. I've been working on my 7 yr old with her hair and she simply can't effectively wash all that hair by herself.

Is your concern that she's taking a bath vs shower or that you think he shouldn't be helping her bathe? It's a little unclear.

And as a seasoned stepmother, I would encourage you to put "bath vs shower" in the "small potatoes" category and worry about the big things instead. As a new stepmother I tended to worry about little things and I learned over time to let a lot go.

You are not going to get any prizes on the bathroom here. First start with showing her how to with her father's blessings. Use baby steps and do expect that there will still be bubbles. As for cleaning up the shower/tub that comes with practice. If this is your first experience with a child you need parenting classes on how they work. Start now to save your marriage.

Step-parenting is not for the faint of heart. You are entering their world and you have to adapt and fit in.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

Honestly unless the bathroom is an absolute mess, this is one of those battles not worth fighting over. My 7 yr old still likes to take a bath sometimes. When she does take a shower, I set the water for her most of the time. And I check to make sure the curtain in INside the bathtub and closed all the way. I have been trying to get her to wash her scalp more rather than her hair. And she leaves a mess--towels on the floor, clothes all over and sometimes wet everywhere. Takes time to get through.
Shoot, sometimes my teenagers leave a mess. I make them clean it up.

it is all in how she has been raised till now. both my 3 and 5 yr olds know how to wash themselvs. they also are able to shampoo their own hair. i help them to make sure they are getting clean but for the most part i supervise and hold the handheld showerhead and make sure the soap gets out. i think if you tell her shes old enough to learn then take steps to teach her she will eventually learn.but i wouldn't push it. i always took a bath and washed my hair without ever turning on the shower. i think i was about 15 when i started taking showers. and if given an option i would take a hot soaking abth over a shower any day.

Yes. You're nagging over nothing.
Some kids prefer baths.
She's clean. Who cares?

My dd is 12, still takes baths. So do I for that matter!

Not your concern. At eight, the only concern you should have with her hygiene is that she does something to get clean and doesn't leave her towels on the floor.
At eight, my daughter had long, thick hair that she had difficulty getting all the soap out of when she washed it. We also had a very slippery tub and she preferred to sit rather than stand to get clean. We also had a snarky water heater that made adjusting water temps tricky.