Should We Seperate, Help???

I don't have any great advice, I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement. It sounds like a really sucky situation and it shows how strong you must be to hold it together as well as it sounds like you are. Kids are a lot of work (and so rewarding) and so is maintaining a house, and you are doing it all - That's incredible and I think you have every right to be trying to figure out a way to include happiness into the equation. I hope you find the answers that are right for you and your kids - I think it's great that you are starting to look for a solution. Just remember, when you think you are going to lose it, how strong strong strong you have been so far and how lucky those kids are that they have a mommy like you!! Good luck...

Confused,

First off, I just want to say how I feel for you. I know you must be running through all the emotions right now, plus wanting to do what is best for your kids. It sounds like your husband is immature, as most men are at that age (ladies don't get mad at me for this, I said most, not all). I'm not one for giving up on a marriage, but you also have to think about your kids and the message he is giving to them, not to mention the happiness of their mother!!

Whatever you decide to do at this point, prepare yourself before you make the move. Talk to a lawyer, a therapist, your pastor, even a financial adivisor. Look into childcare, a job, even a place to live (if you don't make him move out!). The more informed and prepared you are, the more empowered you will feel and the better you can make a decision that is right for you.

My heart breaks for you, I hope that you can find the happiness you deserve!!

Please go to counseling for yourself. Don't ask him again, just go for you. By yourself. You have so much to deal with, kids, home, an unhappy marriage. It must be very hard for you and you really need to get things out and talk about them to someone else that can give you great advice.

I am not for divorce, especially with children in the mix. It's probably too soon to think about that anyway, you really need counseling first.

There are lots of options out there, churches have counselling as well as the private offices, so please get some help for you.

I am a Christian, so this advice will be from a Biblical perspective...

I have had similar struggles this year with my own dh. There were many times, I wanted to leave, but didn't know what I would do. I have two children and it broke my heart to think of what it would do to them. No matter how smooth a divorce may go, it still devastates the innocent victims, your children. That being said, that's why God "hates divorce".

He must seek counseling with you. I would tell him exactly what you told us and tell him that it's essential to the success of your marriage. If you're Christians, it should be Christian counseling - otherwise, you may be led astray (from a worldly perspective e.g. - "you guys should separate" type of advice).

My dh saw me as a nag too. You need to find a good Christian male buddy or just good mutual friend to confront him and ground him. Someone to tell him that he's screwing up and could lose his family. Coming from you, it's just nagging. Trust me, he won't listen.

Bless your heart - it's tough work. Pray about it without ceasing...only God can truly change a man's heart.

Prayer lifted up for you and yours...

Our church did a series called "For Men Only" and "For Women Only". You can probably find the books and look through them. It's really surprising how different men are, and what they need. The biggest thing I learned is that men want respect even more than love from their spouse. Granted, they want both in a relationship, but respect is so important to them.

Dear Sweet Confused,
Please don't consider the "D" word (divorce)....once you say it to your spouse and make it an option, it will always be out there. A couple of the moms mentioned counseling already...and I definitely agree...and, yes, it should be christian counseling. And, I think I agree, you should go first by yourself to get the support and wise advice that you so need at this critical time. Eventually, hopefully, he will want to come with you. And, yes, the christian counselor will probably direct you to some kind of addictions support group. Most pastors/ministers will do it for free, too. If you're not affiliated with a church, let me know and I can get you plugged in. I'll be praying for you.

I strongly recommend Dr. Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough." Please read it. It has many good things to offer, but one of the most important is that spouses need to have dignity and respect for themselves. That often times one spouse has trouble respecting his/her spouse because they just grovel and whine and beg their spouse. Things often change when the spouse realizes they need God, not a human to make it and they start respecting themselves and requiring others to respect them. I have a great marriage and still learned much from this book. I encourage you to read it.

T.

I have been in your same situation. Fortunately, we were able to work things out in the end. It took sacrifices on both sides, but I do know that if we go through it again, I will be leaving. That said, I am probably going to say something not too popular. My parents have been married 40 years. They should've divorced many, many years ago. They are not happy together and haven't been as long as I can remember, but they stayed together "because of the kids". I do believe that couples should try all they can, but sometimes things don't work out and I am a firm believer that people shouldn't stay together just because of kids. Many people say that divorce is hard and traumatic on kids, which it is. Most of my girlfriends growing up came from divorced families. However, watching two people who are unhappy stay togther because of you (the child) can be just as traumatic....I know. Children look to their parents relationship and see that as 'the norm' and can have problems later in life because of it. I went to counseling on my own (I am not Christian, so I went to a private couselor and I was not 'led astray'). Eventually, my husband decided to come along because he wanted to be able to tell his side of the story. I never forced him, he just decided one day to come. It can take work. And if in the end, you feel like you need to walk away, at least you know that you tried all you possibly could.
I know it isn't easy and you will be in my thoughts.

You mentioned several different addictions; alcohol and pornography. I highly recommend you find a local chapter of Al-Anon and join. Al-Anon is for families of alcoholics and it is not necessary for the addict to join AA for you to join Al-Anon. The support group there will be able to help you work through some of the issues that confront the family of an addict. Sometimes Al-Anon members are able to get their spouses to join AA, sometimes not. Alcohol addition generally is a generational thing; there's a good chance both he and you were exposed to family members with additions and/or children of addicts in your childhood. You developed personality traits that drew you to a relationship that involves addiction, so whether you stay or leave you could benefit from learning about addiction and how to deal with addictions. Moreover, you will get help on how to help your children deal with the fallout of addiction so that hopefully you can break the chain of addiction. If you have trouble finding a local chapter, I have family members that are involved and they can probably help you find a chapter. Many of the problems you describe are regular old marital problems that many of us have with or without addiction, but the addiction problems are much worse and will probably get much worse untreated, so I highly suggest you get some help. Good luck and take care.

I don't have a lot of advice other than I agree with the post that recommended reading Dr. Laura's book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". My husband and I weren't having any big problems. This is just a book I think every woman should read. I read it because my mother-in-law gave it to me, and it was a wonderful book that I think would help you a lot. Good luck!

I am so sorry you are in such a terrible situation. I don't know you but it honestly breaks my heart just reading what you wrote. I really suggest you go to therapy. If he won't go, go without him. If you can't afford it there should be a way to get it free through the state - ask your family doctor. I promise it will help you sort things out and get on a track to a happier life. It may not be with your hubby but YOU DESERVE THIS - you deserve to be happy.
My parents seperated when I was 5 and as much as I wished, prayed, hoped, and begged that they'd still be together I know that it was better that they were apart. Having parents that fight or don't respect each other is such a tense and unhappy way for your beautiful children to grow up. I know you'll think about how it will affect them to not have Daddy there every day but you'll be teaching your sons that you don't treat a woman like this, and teaching your daughters to stand up for themselves.
Again, if he won't go to conseling with you, please go by yourself. Good luck, my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

I think that maybe you should leave the house for a couple of days and let him see what it is like without you and the kids there. Go to your parent's house or something for a couple of days. That will also give you some time to clear your head and think about what you really want. Also, it may give him a reality check and he might change to keep you all together. I could have written your request about 2 weeks ago, (with a few variations) and I finally made it clear that I was leaving and that there was nothing he could do to save it. Needless to say he has done a complete 180 and is being who I remember from the first year of our relationship. We are doing better than ever. I don't know how long this is going to last, but if the time comes, I will do what I have to do to be happy, because the kids really do suffer when the parents are miserable. Good Luck.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am sure it is very painful. A christian counselor would be my recommendation. It has helped my marriage SO MUCH! But both parties have to be willing to go and both parties need to truly want the marriage to change and get better. Carol Speckman is who I would recommend. I didn't want to go at first either but we went and now we have a wonderful marriage and we are expecting our first child next month. I believe and so does my husband that when we married, we made a committment to each other and to God to stay together until death do us part.... BUT if both parties don't feel that way it is sometimes very difficult to make the changes together. Maybe you could get some counseling on your own if your husband won't go... I think you should make an appt as soon as possible and they will help you. It is really amazing what counseling can do... some of the strongest individuals I know have been in counseling for one reason or another.... it is about learning and being honest with yourself... it is about being accountable for your actions and for setting life goals for yourself and your family.... Life is meant to be shared and enjoyed and filled with love. We all deserve that and want that, you and your kids deserve that. Sorry for rambling. :)

I totally feel for you and your family. From what you described, it sounds like he is an alcoholic who isolates (or avoids responsibility) when he is sober. Even though he may not want help for himself, you might want to consider getting help for your sanity during this trying time.

I used to go to Alanon for my issues with my alcoholic father and recovering alcoholic husband. It helped me a great deal. If you google "Alanon Dallas, TX" you'll get a link for a meeting schedule.

My other suggestion is go seek a counselor from a church. They are really helpful in times like this.

Hope that helps.

It sounds like you have written the script to MY PREVIOUS LIFE. I am now 32 with three gorgeous children and we are happier now than we've ever been because of the choice I made almost 3 years ago. My EX-Husband was the exact same way....he would go with his buddies after work and with his other friends on the weekends or on the sofa playing games on his playstation. When it came to the kids, he didn't have time or they were in his way. It was very sad to watch their little disappointed faces. I probably wasn't the greatest mom at the time because I was always upset, mad or worried. But, when I turned 30 something went off inside of me and there was no way I was going to live my next 30 years in this type of environment and neither were my kids. I got an apartment 6 hours away from him, got a job and started a new life. I had all of those thoughts - who will help me-what about the $$$-who is going to want a person w/3 kids---and I tell you, it was rough, lonely at time, but also the most fulfilling thing that I have done. I found "me", I reconnected with my babies and found an amazing man who adores me and my children. My ex-husband still is miserab;e, still drinks with the guys and still plays games.....ALONE!!!!
Good luck!!!

I feel your pain. My hubby and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and we also have 3 kids (6, 2, and 2months) he's 30, I'm 26 and we are both full of life and I think sometimes that gets to us when our desires are stifled by the sacrifices we so lovingly and willingly make for the kids. We went through 3 years of hell. My hubby works during the day, but his true hobby is music which he has chosen over his family many a time... either going to concerts, practicing with his band while I was home with 2 kids recovering from a csection!.. and there are other instances when it seemed we weren't his priority. Then I finally got him to go see a dr. and get treated for depression. he wouldn't go to counciling, but he was willing to pop pills (it took 2 years for me to just get him willing to take pills!!) and his blood test also showed decreased testosterone which also results in depressive symptoms. he's been taking hormone replacement therapy and effexor (for anxiety and depression) for about 3 months now and our relationship has gotten right back on track. we still have moments of insecurity, and I've had to learn how to communicate my feelings differently to not sound like nagging and he's had to learn how to understand them without feeling like a failure because I'm not happy.. so we're still working on things... but things are definitely better. I know the feeling of thinking you just can't take it any more, but if you still love each other it's worth holding onto and bearing it. Is he willing to work on things? Ask him if he has any ideas on how to fix things. Find out what would make him happy (besides beer and video games because they sound like an escape coping mechanism) That's how I had to approach it for my hubby to come around. Instead of telling him how unhappy I was, I just started focusing on his pain and finding out what he needed to be happy.. and it was hard, but eventuallyit worked and because I helped meet his needs, he was then able to meet mine.

I am definatly one that feels do all you can BUT I also feel strongly that when you have done all you can that sometimes divorce is necessary. When my mom divorced yeah it was a little h*** o* us kids but it wasn't near as hard as seeing our parents miserable. They kept staying together for us and one day they finally asked us and we simply told them if they were only staying together cause of us don't cause they were making our lives miserable by being so miserable themselves. That and he didn't help my mom out at all either so it took really no adjustment to mom doing it all as a single mom cause we were used to her doing it all herself while being married to him anyways. Now my mom is happy because she gave herself - and him - the chance to be happy before it was too late. It sounds like you are doing all you can to help it. Don't know if you are religious or not but I'd say the next step is pray for guidence of what you should do and to trust your gut. Good luck and sorry you are going through this. It is never fun!

As a product of divorced parents, I've made it a goal to do everything I can to make my marriage work. Don't threaten, tell your husband that you are seriously considering divorce if changes don't happen. Tell him you feel there are problems and he needs to go to counseling with you. A lot of times, things snowball and all that needs to happen is to break it down and see what the source of it all is. Most of the time, my husband hides his feelings and then they build up. From his point of view, he might think he is doing enough and that it is normal to not call you to let you know if he's coming for dinner. Maybe that's how his father was. I know my husband had issues w/ that. I just want to encourage you not to give up until you can say that you tried everything to save your marriage. It will be a hard life for your kids; talk to your husband about that. And it's a hard life for him (child support and alimony add up to not a whole lot left for getting drunk.) I hope it works out for the best. :)

Being a stay-at-home mom is a wonderful committment to your children. However, your scenario is what makes this choice such a risky proposition. Being out of the work force for any amount of time makes it extremely difficult to jump back in. However, it truly can be done. My advice? Definitely seek counseling and try to work it out. He sounds depressed and it may have nothing at all to do with you. He may be having work troubles and this is just how he is dealing with his depression. That also may be the reason he does not think counseling will be effective -- it is not the marriage that is the problem to him. Also think about looking for a job, at least a part-time one. Your kids will enjoy the fun activities associated with pre-school and you will get a chance to polish your work-skills.