Should We Have More Kids?

I think if both of you are not in agreement, you will regret adding to your family without agreement. Family comes in many forms and extends through your children's friends as they get older. Be mindful that your load of responsibility grows as your children get older. Teens need parenting more than toddlers. I think you will both be happier if you can spend that time with the two children you have and if you can offer financial relief. Your husband will be happier and your children will be happy to have more quality time with you. You will have more time to yourself where you can enjoy the things you want to do 10 to 12 years from now versus 18 years from now. Just a thought, not a sermon. Take care!

1 mom found this helpful

Hey M.! Thank you for sharing your situation. Ours was a little similar to yours. Me and my husband have 4 kids. After our 4th, we decided that we didn't want to have anymore. So I got my tubes tied. BIG MISTAKE!! Because if it, I had health problems one after the other. Well, about a year ago or so from today, my husband and I decided that we both want more children. Maybe that right now you and hubby don't seem eye to eye on having more children. But, trust, it will come. But both of you guys have to be in agreement on it. God says in Genesis 1:28, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it:
M., don't give up! Just continue to stand in faith and believe God to work through your husband's heart and things will change girl! Today, I'm believing God for more children and He is a wonder working God!! All things are possible with Him!!

And to encourage you in your finances, me and my husband was difficult as well. But now God is good girl where that is concerned!!Let me tell you how our finances became great!! God's word says in Malachi 3:10, bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open up the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. verse 11: And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he(the devil/enemy)shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts.
Once me and my husband started putting our faith and trust in God and obeyed his commandment, girl, He started turning our finances around so that my husband nor myself didn't have to go out here and work 2 or 3 jobs!! Now I'm a stay at home mom with my own childcare business and my husband has received 4 raises within the past 6 months!! Because we were faithful M., God met our need and knew what we needed!!! You take care of your babies, they need you girl. They need daddy as well. Allow the Lord to guide you on which direction and decision to take as far as having more children and your carreer goes too okay!! It's going to be fine girl!!! Don't let the enemy come in your home and cause confusion! That's what he likes to do. He wants you to think that you have to handle and do things on your own and take your focus off of God and what He already died to give us!! You are rich girl and I speak Prosperity in every area of you and your husband's life right now in the name of Jesus!! Amen!!

Take care and be blessed!!
P. :)

1 mom found this helpful

Both MY husband and I decided not to have more kids than we can comfortably support. If you want more kids, try fostering. It is a good way for you to have other kids, and you get financial assistance for it. If you want to love more kids, that is what I would suggest. We have our hands full with our kids and dogs, or we would foster.

I can't answer this for you as it is personal decision that you and your husband will have to make together. I can only sympathize with both of you and share my feelings on the matter. I only have one much adored child and it makes me sad that he will grow up without siblings (I am the youngest of three and have a good relationship with both of my siblings). I pushed hard for a second child but my husband was very reluctant. I finally decided that I didn't want to have another child if he wasn't 100% on board. I was afraid that it would damage our relationship if he felt resentful and pressured. We had our son late in life. I was 37 when he was born and my husband is older than me. My son has never yearned for a sibling and he and my husband both like our small family size. In addition, I was a SAHM for the first year and then went back to work part time until my son was 4. I am a teacher too and it is exhausting to teach all day and then come home and parent. I can also understand the financial stress you are going through. I totally understand your husband's point of view on this. Are you sure that your motivation to have another child is because you want a larger family or are you also apprehensive about going back to work full time (which I can totally understand)?
One final thought, my husband had some health problems this Winter and had to scale back his work schedule and go on part-time disability. It really made me see what it would be like to live on my salary alone. My parenting responsibilities didn't change and I had to do a lot more in a lot less time. It was stressful and I was glad that I didn't have a lot of mouths to feed. Try to look at your decision pragmatically as well as emotionally. What is the best thing for you, your husband and your two children? Best of luck!

Hi M.,

If your husband is truly not interested in having any more kids, than I honestly believe you don't have a choice in the matter. A 'No' should always out-weigh a "yes" in this decision.

You said part of the reason is financial. If that was the ONLY reservation he had I would suggest working from home AND having a bigger family. Perhaps he would change his mind if you started making full-time income with part-time hours. I myself, have four children in four different schools and find this a perfect solution to having a a big family and having time to enjoy it!
T.
www.myparklane.com/tgreenwood

M., I'm a sigle mother of 1 who always dreamed of having several kids. BUT in reality, life didn't allow me to stick to my original plans. Therefore; my advice to you would be to put that dream on hold, get yourself a full-time job and take care of the children you currently have. What you must realize is, at this point, your financial strain is taking a toll on your husband and adding more children to the pot would only worsen the situation. In addition to this, not only will your husband suffer even more, you and your children will start to feel the pinch as well (even more so than now). Let me be frank about this, as I read your story, I started to feel a bit of selfishness on your behalf. Don't let your wants get in the way of your needs! Doing so, you may just find yourself with less than you have now, and that includes a husband. Think about it!

S. C

Hi M.,

Ok, first of all, we do not live in the middle ages. Please don't listen to all the people telling you to "honor your husband" and do what he says simply because he's in charge of you. This is a decision that only can be made by you and your husband as a couple - however, it is one that really must be a mutual agreement. You have a say in this decision as much as he does. It does sound like he has very valid points - it should be the reasoning and logic behind those points, and your own, that makes the decision, and not simply you must do what the says.

That being said, you said you already had two children. Speaking as a biologist, and I'm sure a lot of people who read this are going to get very angry with me for saying this, my personal decision would be to not add to the uncontrollable population growth and problems our planet will be facing in the future by more than replacing myself and my mate on the planet. Again, it's a very personal decision, this is mine. You and your husband are the only ones who can make yours.

Hello M.. I have to say that I am on your husband's side with this one. You said that you struggle financialy, why would you want to add to that stress? If your husband is the sole provider and does not want to have anymore, you should respect that. Also if the agreement was that you would go back to work when the kids were school age you should stick to that. It sounds like he really needs you to work. I would love to stay home with my children but I know it just can't be that way right now. You have to think about how having another baby would affect everyone. My advice to you would be to wait, go back to work, and then maybe in couple years your finances will be better and ya'll can consider having another one then. Good Luck!

Wow. That is such a loaded question. We have 4 and it's really hard but for me it's worth it. But it's also getting expensive to have a large family. And I'm not talking about luxuries either. We are in the process of fixing 2 broken teeth for one of the boys and our out of pocket cost will be about $2,000. and that's with our $1,000 per person per year deductible. You are right, thinkg do and will come up. We also had the ability to more from our 3 bedroom home to a 4 bedroom home. We both wanted to expand our family so for us it was easy. I guess the best thing is to keep talking about it and in the end, you'll make the best decesion for your family.

i always thought we'd have a big family. both my dh and i come from big ones.
but having kids is such a HUGE thing. if your husband doesn't want more, his feelings have to factor into this. especially since he sounds like a true prince. forcing him into a situation he'd resent, even though there's no doubt he'd love the children when they arrive, is really pushing the envelope.
it sounds as if you have a pretty wonderful situation now. why not revel in it?
khairete
S.

Hi,

Your situation is very common with a lot of people I know.
I don't know where you are spiritually, but I would pray about this. I think you are blessed right now with 2 kids.
I know couples that have tried to have kids for over 5 years and couldn't have even 1 child. Another child would definitely be a financial, physical, emotional strain on your family.

Good luck

If you don't have a "cushion" and are "squeezed" into your house having another child right now does not sound like the best idea. You may need to rethink your dream of a big family and get real. Kids are expensive, the best you could do for your current children is to make sure they have a secure future. If you are younger then go back to work full-time for a while to save up to expand your family.

Honor your husband. My husband also wanted to stop with two children. I had wanted more but I treasured his plan for me to be a stay at home mom and we could not financially afford a big family. All turned out for the best. We were able to raise two fantastic children. These days too the world is over populated so it is really not a blessignto humanity to have a big family. Harder times are coming. AF

When situations like these come up I think about my Nana and her sister. They both married barely out of their teens and started having babies right away. Each of them stayed home and each of them had 7 kids, so needless to say there was a LOT of bedroom sharing. (The age difference between my Nana's oldest and her youngest is 12 years.) Back then there wasn't all this temptation and "must have" mentality that we have today. There wasn't someone on TV convincing you that you HAVE to have this newest and latest whatever it happens to be and there wasn't such thing as a $5 cup of coffe. You did what you had to do to survive. I have heard stories where they would have rice and beans for dinner every night for literally months because that was all they could afford. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you have to do what's right for you and your family. If you in your heart want more children, you and your husband need to pray about it. If you shut off your mind and really listen, you will be able to hear God answer you. Best of luck to you.

Maybe you could do this: Go back to work for now full time and really pay down any bills or debts, put money in savings, maybe save for a down payment on a new home. Then later on when your financial situation is a little better, maybe you can think about having another. This is similar to what my husband and I did and things worked out well. We now have a almost 6 year old and a 6 month old, both boys and we're buying our first home. We managed to arrange things with a little hard work for me to be able to stay at home. It can be done, just persevere. Good luck!

Well, it seems to me that financially and with the lack of space in your home, maybe now s not a good time to consider having more children. its not fair to the 2 that you already have if you are not able to financially support another and the 2 you have will suffer. But it's never too late, if your financial situation changes, then it might me time to reconsider this.

First: Going back to work doesn't necessarily mean you can't have a bigger family.

That aside, you should consider why you want a bigger family. Is it a dream you've always had? Do you miss having little kids, babies, or toddlers around? Do you feel like you are suppose to care for more kids? (like a calling?) Does a bigger family mean more to love?

Maybe you could look at working in a daycare (or doing some childcare in your home) rather than an office job. Then you could put your loving motherly instincts to work with the kids who's moms or dads are working.

I personally had to go back to work after just 6 weeks, he just turned 1 and is doing great. We recently moved my son from a licensed home daycare to a friends house. She is a stay at home mom with 3 kids of her own at home. Her youngest is my son's age and they entertain each other well. It's working out really awesome. She gets extra income for her family and I get to spend just a little less on child care and really know what he is doing every day since she is a close friend and we talk all the time anyway. Maybe you could help a friend out that way... especially another family strapped for cash (check if your husband know anther teacher). Be sure if you do that you create a contract between you and the other parent(s). The clearer you are up-front the better. If you aren't sure why, watch a few episodes of Judge Judy or Judge Joe-Brown and see how many unclear or non existent contract suits that come up.

Working in any way with kids would give you time to help more kids, help some with the financial burden at home, and not increase tension with your husband about # of kids or $$$. (and you won't need a bigger house, since your kids will be at school and the other kids won't spend the night or store tons of stuff there)

I really think it would be selfish to bring more kids into an already stressful situation. If it is time for you to go back to work and it will help your family's financial situation, then hold up your end of the bargain and get a full-time job. Maybe after you have contributed to the savings account after a while your husband may be open to more kids.

Hi M.,

Why do you want more children? Do you want more children to be able to stay at home?

Had you thought about being a Foster parent? Since you both are in education, you could really be an asset to those children who have had a rough start in life.

Both you and your husband can have what you want.

Hope this helps. D.

My first question is What's the rush? You say your kids are almost in school full time. I'm assuming that means they are both around pre-k/kindergarten age. And what seems to be your husband's biggest deterent at this point (at least from what you've shared) is simply more financial stability. So, why not wait a little while? It doesn't seem as though he's saying he never wants more children. So why not get your kids in school full-time, go back to work for a year or two, save as much as you can with the extra income, and then take time off to have a baby.

I am a happily divorced mother of 5 children, and work full time. But their father and I both love our children, and take great pleasure in raising them together. Large families come in all different packages! There's never a right time, right amount of savings/income, etc. It will all work out in the end.

Just a different approach to a very personal and touchy subject for couples. Having children is a blessing! God bless!

The only regret I have heard time and again from older women with grown children is that they wished they had more children. Over and over I have heard this and when things are really hard for us I think about that.

I know we are not done and children do not need to be expensive. You can join a produce csa for all your veggies and can them for the Winter. You can purchase your meat from a family farm and split large orders with friends. We have done this to save money (and eat healthier). Cloth diapering saves money, too.

I only say this to support that if you DO choose to have more children, there are many ways to save money and even make money. I am sure you are very creative and resourceful and could find work to do from home. A friend of mine's husband left her when the youngest of three was four months old. She has, for the past year and a half, continued to be home with her children full time while sewing curtains for people, watching cats for vacationing families, and even starting a business of making belts and headbands. Another friend of mine works for tutorDOTcom doing online tutoring, which you can do at any time during the day or night from home.

I hope this is encouraging. Children are a blessing and they are the only thing we make that is eternal. Nothing on this earth will come with us when we die. Our children will live forever.

I understand your husband feeling pressure to provide, but maybe if you encourage him that he ALREADY does a great job providing and the house is plenty big and you already have plenty, he will feel better? I just think about the size house I grew up in, with three brothers, and the one I live in now is sooo much larger, and it is a simple three bedroom tri-level.

Personally, I feel the best gift we can ever give our children is siblings. They are the best toy, favorite playmate, closest confidante, and strongest support after we are gone.

Good luck! :o)

Hi M.,

I know how you feel, our third was a surprise and I was dealing with my first being diagnosed with autism at the same time. So returning to outside work was never an option. After trying several companies that claimed you could make an income from home, I found one that delivered on its promise. I help people discover Melaleuca, the Wellness company. If you would like to stay home and be there when everyone gets home form school, contact me and I will show you how. Good luck with everything.

Hi, M. - I'm sure there are many moms who can understand your yearning for another child. It sounds as if there is already considerable financial strain on the family. Kids get more expensive as they get older - braces, high school activites, college tuition, etc. It sounds as if you have a great marriage; I would think long and hard before adding another child! Might a home based business be a solution? Are you open to the idea of residual income? There are many who do very well; perhaps it would provide the means for a move and another child! Let me know if you'd like to explore this option. (the only home-based business that is backed by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce!) Enjoy your family and good luck. N. B.

Interesting question on many levels. I don't have an answer for you about having more children, only you and your husband can decide that, and only you two should decide that. However, if you are strapped for cash and love kids, have you ever thought of advertising to take in a few other kids to watch during the day? You're already home and in kid mode and if you're interested in having more then perhaps taking in a few to babysit during the day would fulfill a need for you right now. It's certainly not the same as having your own, but it would help with some extra money! As well as giving you a feel as to how it would be with more kids in the house. I know there are always women that work full time (I'm one of them!) that are looking for wonderful moms to care for their kids while they are at work. My husband and I have always taken our kids to other mom's for their care.

I'm sorry I can't help you with your decision to have more children, but perhaps this might be a solution to bring in a couple extra bucks without forcing hubby to be away from you and the kids more!

Hi M.

I can understand your wanting a big family and more children. I went through a phase when I met my second husband. He had two daughters and I had a son. I always dreamed of having many children. I enjoy being with them and doing things with them. But for us, financially, it simply did not make sense. Our decision of not having more children was a logical one and not an emotional one.

At times, everytime I would see people with babies or small children, I would get a knot in my throat, but I still knew that deep down, it was the best decision we made. We didn't want to bring children into poverty as I grew up not having much. As a child, most of my clothes were hand-me-downs. I got teased for not having the same thing as others. We do not spoil our children by giving them everything but we are comfortable in that we can afford to live comfortably.

We also made sure that if one of us died, our children would be provided for. As a parent, that was what I wanted for them, to make sure that they grew to be self-sufficent and happy adults.

So I did to fullful my desire of children was to get involved with my children's school and do activities. I had my sisters children (a total of 9 all together) spend some time with us either together or alone. I saw myself making a difference in their lives as well as those of my children without having to have a big family. Yet I consider them my family and therefor I do have a big family. I believe it is a question of perspective on how you define what a big family is.

If I may suggest that I also understand that your husband may feel the burden of providing for his family. And it is so true that many families end up in poverty because of major illnesses or death. Personally, I would hate to know that I brought another young person to this world and could not provide for them. I also know that many will say that God will provide. I believe that we also have a personal responsability in making that possible.

I appologize for this long reply, but as I wrote, I realize how much this touches me. Today, my children are all grown up and I now have a beautiful granddaughter that I get to spend a lot of time with on a weekly basis. So I may not have had many of my own children, but I am proud that I have been involved in other people's children's lives and hopefully made a difference.

I hope that this will have been helpful to you (as it was for me to write this for you. Thank you).

C. C.
Life Coach

Hi.

My husband and I are in exactly the same space. I was actually pregnant with our third and miscarried. He is a doctor and is terrified of something going "wrong". As much as I want another child (and still dream up names for this child), I have come to the decision that it is not fair to push him into another child. If something were to go wrong, the strain on our marraige and the eventual blame that might happen is enough to make me forgo another child and appreciate my beautiful family the way we are. There are days that I am more at peace with this decision than others, but ultimately, I love my husband and children and am happy to have the family that is here.

I am not sure this was for you or if it is for me. Either way, I hope it helps in some small way.

M.

My father was in the military and my mother was a SAHM to me and my four brothers. I didn't even realize we were on the poor side of things growing up until I was, literally, 20. My mother made a lot of our clothing, used cloth diapers, and fixed most of our meals (going out to eat - even fast food- was a rarity). We grew vegetable gardens that we all worked in, all had savings accounts and investments that WE put money into ourselves(no checking accounts or credit cards), threw paper routes, shared rooms when necessary, and never owned a brand-new car. We also never had cable TV or any kind of video-gaming system (and this WAS the 80's and 90's :) but we DID have music lessons, scouting, karate lessons, family trips, and many, many pets. As adults we are all very successful and frugal and have very close relationships with each other. My point in all of this is that you can make it work if you want it bad enough. Families are the most important things we have in this life, and it saddens me that money - money! - determines how 'much' of that we can have. I know money itself is a necessary thing, but it isn't nearly as important as we make it out to be. You just have to prioritize. You do not need to get a second full time job for your existing children to have a blessed and advantageous life. Spending time with them will amount to more than any material thing you can provide for them. If you are in serious financial straights try getting a consistent job that you could do from home part-time that will still enable you to stay with your kids/raise another baby. I was a middle-school teacher before becoming a mother and I know something of the strain it is putting on your husband.
Pray about it, talk to your husband, and good luck with whatever you do.

i had a hard time going for the third myself. i t came down to "you never regret having a child, you only regret that you did not" i had my third and last 11 months ago and she is the light of my life. i can't imagine not having her and the joy i would have missed. if money is tight you should look into direct sales. i have been doing slumber parties for 4 years now and i love it. i make about $100 an hour and work in the evenings usually 2 nights a week. check out my website. www.slumberpartiesbynicolek.com
we moved into our dream house last year thanks to the extra money from slumberparties.

WOW it sounds as if your life is very blessed. You have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband.

It appears that you are not listening to your husband or yourself. You are not ready to give up your dream - you are not ready to go back to work - you are squeezed into your house with no ability to move - he takes on extra work - he is away from the family - there is no family cushion - you have worked but not consistently.

Take a real candid look at what you are saying and make the decision that will work for the entire family. It is not easy to move on in your life but is another child going to fulfill the dreams of both you and your husband.

I have read many of the responses and they provide a wealth of information. In reality only you and your husband can decide whether or not to have more children.

Good Luck! What ever you and your husband decide it will be right for you!!

Take Care,

C.
Life Coach

All I can say is we have 6. We do not make a lot of money. I stay at home with the kids. We live in a 3 bedroom house that is a little over 1300 sq ft. and we are happy. Our kids are happy. If you want more kids you may have less savings and have to redefine what your "needs" are. I would not trade my life for anything. I love having a large family. They are each a blessing.

Sweetie think very careful about this. You don't want to strain the marriage. My personal thoughts are we handle what is given to us. My children have never been hungry ( food stamps, food pantries, friends etc) but there were things they missed out on. Some activities were not affordable while others were (with fee assitance). Hon it can be done with careful planning and strategy but I wouldn't reccommend it. There are a lot of assitance for people with low income (which you may become if you add more children) but the hassle at times is unbareable.