I have an issue with a friend of mine that I have known now for about 9 years. She has two daughters that are my kids close friends. When I first met this friend, we will call her “Karen”, she seemed okay and very down to earth. As the years have gone by, Karen has turned into a giant show-off, showboat, and seems to like to tell stories that are not true. For the past two years, I have been watching as she literally lies and fakes her way through everything she does and says. It’s gotten to the point where she can’t keep her stories straight and has gotten caught in many lies by me over the years. I believe she fabricates things or embellishes them to the point of not knowing what is really the truth anymore. She has also taken up living her life through her daughter who happens to be my daughter’s best friend. This past year, our girls were both Seniors in high school and Karen’s major goal was to have her daughter be the most popular girl in the Senior class no matter what the expense. Clothes, cars, jewelry, parties, and pushing her to be Cheerleading Captain and Prom Queen. Moreover, if my own daughter did something or received something nice…..hers had to top whatever it was that she had. Just for the record, my daughter is extremely humble, modest, and doesn’t like the limelight. I became very upset about two particular incidents lately. At prom time, our two girls got ready together and I even paid for Karen’s daughter to have her makeup done by a friend of mine who is a professional makeup artist. Karen was rushing the whole experience and then when we got back to my house, I barely snapped 10 photos of the girls and their dates when she packs up her daughter and leaves. She stated that her daughter promised to take photos with her family before prom and had them waiting at her house. Okay…I think that is wonderful. No big deal. What really happened was a slew of not-so-nice and totally fake girls from school were at her house and I see Facebook photos posted the next day of all of them bowing down to her daughter in their prom gowns as she is perched up on top of her staircase! Worst of all, my friend orchestrated this obnoxious photo and was the one who posted it on Facebook too. Pretentious much? Not only did she lie about that but she really upset me that this crapola was more important to her than friendship and letting the girls get ready together and have that memory of their Senior Prom.
The second and final straw came when Karen asked me if we would have a Grad Party with them to celebrate our two girls. I declined politely at first but she continued to push the issue for months on end. Finally, I said okay. As I start to look for venues and think about a guest list and food, each time I asked her for input or help….nothing was being done. She stalled like this even with prodding from me until 2 weeks before graduation. Venues were already booked, people had back to back grad parties to attend, and we were running out of time to prepare. Lo and behold, I push her once again and she tells me that she has decided not to have a grad party for her daughter because money was too tight and her husband said no. They apparently spent $3000 on an 18th birthday party for her daughter back in October that the whole Senior Class was invited to. Karen never talked to her husband about a grad party at all. Instead, she strung me along and then claimed “money issues.” As mad as I was, I sucked it up and went forward with planning a grad party on my own because my daughter graduated #5 in her class and deserved a celebration that for once, was about HER. To keep the peace and be the bigger person, I did invite Karen and her family to our party. Here’s where I lose it…..I find out from another close friend that Karen purposely stalled me out on the party to prevent me from having it. She knew the venues in town would be booked up and that people might not come if I had one really late after graduation occurred. I was also told that this business about money being tight was a complete lie. Weeks before the party, she bought a 2015 Range Rover and was going around telling everyone about her $55,000 car. At the party, she did say hello to me but she showed up with some friend of hers that I don’t know at all and who was not invited to the event. She did not acknowledge my daughter or her academic accomplishments but proceeded to talk about her daughter to the guests at her table for about 2 hours. After that, she must have left but never once said goodbye to me, my husband, or my daughter. I never even knew she left. Who does this?
I need some help here and a world of clarity. Would you maintain a friendship with someone like this or cut your losses and move on? I don’t want to be a person who expects everyone I am friends with to be perfect and I can forgive and forget. But, when is it okay to just walk away and be done with a long friendship when all that friend is interested in is playing “Keeping up with the Joneses”, lying to me all the time, and fake as the day is long? This is a nutshell of all that has really happened. Would you give this friend the pink slip?
School is over - they've graduated!
Unless they are going to the same college - they probably won't be seeing too much of each other anymore.
It's time to ease on down the road and not be too involved with these people anymore!
She is no friend. She does not value this friendship. Put a lot of space there. And, if she questions it, just tell her you feel you've grown apart.
Oh, honey, I'd have told this b*t**, "Bye, Felicia, BYE!" long ago. Friends do not repeatedly lie to one another. Please do not continue to put up with this rude behavior. She's not worth it.
honey, she is already "done" with your friendship. she is just keeping you an as a resource.
downgrade her to "polite acquaintance" and don't look back.
this is not a woman you need to expend any additional energy on.
I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. She sounds horrible. The thing about stalling your party is incomprehensible, and heinous.
But since your daughters are friends, just be civil to her when you see her. Put her in the category of acquaintance. You've already been more than tolerant.
Skip the "pink slip" idea.
Is your daughter going to college or moving on in some way that is not connected to this woman's daughter? If yes, drift away. You don't have to make it "official", just be unavailable.
If your daughter is staying connected (same college or whatever), then be polite, but be much less available.
Don't feed the relationship. Let it die. Be polite when you bump into each other. Vague answers are your friend at this point.
You are way to involved with a crazy person and to be a bit blunt, it's making you sound nuts for giving her any more of your attention or 'patronage' She's not a friend. You are someone who she uses to make herself feel better for whatever reason.
I don't think you need to even confront her... just sort of disappear. I don't usually suggest playing busy, but there's really nothing left of this relationship to salvage. What on earth would be the reason to subject yourself to any more of this? As I said, if she was a caring and considerate person making big social mistakes because of a bad situation or naivete, it might be worth having a talk. This woman is sort of in her own magical world-- whether that is from insecurity or delusion.... shrug. People like this are not your problem. My guess is that you are overthinking this and she was 'done' with caring for your friendship a long time ago. It's okay to admit it was a hard, long lesson learned and go forward.
(For what it's worth, I spent last summer with a gal who I became close to-- she ended up being not such a good friend and did some things which destroyed my trust in her. While I was sad for the time I had invested in the friendship, I was also glad to know the truth and just move on. It hurt for a while, but I've made better connections because I was more available and found another friend who is much better fit. Have no regrets, M.!)
she sounds like a fright. i have no contact other than common courtesy with people who lie like that. they squick me out.
but geez, what a drama queen post. i don't even understand why it's a question, let alone phrasing it as a 'pink slip.'
kids can be friends without the parents being friends. by the time they're in high school no mature parent should be so avidly all up in the kids' business.
i'd give both of you a wide berth.
khairete
S.
with all due respect to the clearly earned rant above, i could not make it through the whole thing.
however, i will say this. pathological liars have psychological issues that go way beyond the surface behavior and reflect much deeper problems that a layman is not prepared, nor should be expected, to resolve. I had one of these toxic women in my life in college and not only did I completely cut her out of my life, I told her exactly why.
You don't deserve this toxicity and your daughter most certainly does not need to see this woman as any sort of role model. I'm with Christy Lee below...."Bye Felicia, BYE!. Show your daughter that as a person, you have the right to set and maintain any boundary you feel is appropriate for you and your family. To the curb. good luck!! S.
Whew. That was a long post to get through. But I just gotta ask you WHY you and your daughter continued this charade of a friendship til the bitter end? And it IS the bitter end, by the way. What about you would make it so that you'd take orders from this woman?
I'm sorry but you need counseling. Eyes popping out of your head? Sorry. I really think that you do. And you ought to be honest and tell your daughter after you start counseling that you have been overwhelmed by a so-called friend and realized that you need to talk to someone to find out why you put up with it. You also need to talk to the counselor about why you felt that you needed a group of strangers to give you permission to give this woman a "pink slip".
Your daughter needs to see you do this and she may need a counselor to help her figure out how NOT to get caught in this kind of unhealthy friendship. I'm not saying that you should both be talking to the counselor at the same time. Separately would be better.
You should thank your lucky stars that you didn't put together a party for both girls. You would never have gotten the money for it, even if she really did have the money. You'd have gotten stuck with the bill.
And you KNOW this woman only cares about herself and her daughter. Once you found out she was stalling you on the party, WHY did you invite her to yours? That was just asking for more drama. You need to figure out with the counselor's help, WHY you do this stuff. You actively court someone who treats you and your daughter like this. You use the excuse of being nice, but come on. That's not nice. It's ridiculous.
Get some help figuring out how you ended up down this rabbit hole and do your daughter the favor of learning how to have healthy relationships. Do it before she leaves for college. Then promise yourself that you will not get into another relationship like this one.
Seems simple to me. Stop considering her a friend. You don't enjoy having her in your life so don't include her. No need to talk with her or ca use a scene. Just be busy and have no time for her.
As a teen, my mother was not friends with the moms of my friends. The girls can do their own thing without you.
I'd also tell my friends to stop telling me about what's she doing. Take care of yourself.
I have no idea why this should even be a question in your mind. This woman sounds absolutely horrid. I don't think that you have to make a big deal of it...just don't contact her any more and don't be available if she contacts you. Your girls have graduated, so there is really no reason to interact with her any longer.
This woman is not your friend. She sounds like a nightmare and you should just fade away out of this crazy person's life.
Your daughters can be friends, but you should say, "good riddance to bad rubbish!"
Congratulations on your daughter graduating with honors!
She's not a friend and gas demonstrated this repeatedly. As the famous saying goes, "When people show you who they are, believe them!" If your daughter likes the company of her daughter that's fine. Their relationship does not bind you to any type if relationship with the mother. She is narcissistic and keeps showing you this. Don't contact or associate with her. Gradually disengage from the relationship - she sure did!
Move on!
Really??? After all that I would cut her loose super fast!! Let the girls be friends if they want, do not bad mouth Karen around your daughter or friends but def let her go. I think she would be kept on my ignore list.
Your friend probably would have had a pink slip several years ago.
You did all the work and she got all the bragging rights. As for the graduation party, it is done and over with. Be glad.
People like this are not your friends they are users and when the purpose has been fulfilled the relationship is over. Sometimes they don't even say goodbye to you they just go. Ask me how I know. It hurts but it is done.
I hope you find some new friends with like interests that are really there for you.
the other S.
PS When one door closes another door opens.
Let the girls hang out together and just don't plan any more joint ventures with the mom.
You don't seem to like her (either) - not saying it's not deserved, but you don't have friend feelings for her from your post (you mentioned nothing positive) and a lot of this seems hung up on the girls. I would just move on - not with any dramatic ending or outburst - just casually let it go.
Good luck :)
** I always just let things go for a while (when you're not sure what to do, or if something is worth bothering with) and you will see them for what they are to you - if you haven't thought of them at all, or if they haven't contacted you (unless just to want something from you) - you'll have your answer.
I would be really glad that the girls are graduating and moving on. I wouldn't want this kind of friendship and I wouldn't pursue it after this point. All parties and major events for the girls are over with. If they maintain their friendship great, but the one between you and the other mom really shouldn't continue.
Your daughters may be friends but you and this mom are not. Girls are grown so you moms can break ties.
LOL!!! The picture at the top of the stairs!!!! I was howling at this whole post-what a piece of work!! Sorry for your pain, because, YES, YOU SHOULD DITCH THIS PERSON WHO WILL ALWAYS DO THESE THINGS...
But part of me says hang in there, take notes, write a screen play and make big bucks!!!!! I picture a "Bridesmaids" vibe only with that lady and her daughter sabotaging the nice bride....because when your daughter gets engaged to someone nice and you invite these bozos...hoo wee that will be hilarious!!! -I mean terrible..
But seriously. If you do not like to be around this, take the high road and let her go. You knew you were taking a risk inviting her to your daughter's graduation party. You were awestruck at her continued awful behavior when you found out about the Range Rover and her attempt to thwart your party, but you weren't surprised. Btw, who are these people telling you this after the fact? Your neighborhood sounds full of good comedy material-I mean weird people..
It's natural to keep testing the waters to see if you're really imagining things...but you're not imagining things. Steer clear because they are both toxic and you and your daughter don't need that in your lives when you could be spending time with nicer people....
Or hang in there and write the screen play if you have a flare for drama-which it seems you may!!!
I like what Mel R. has to say. Either Karen is emotionally needy or mentally ill, OR there never was a real basis for true friendship between the 2 of you but rather the shared experience of your daughter.
She's sad and worthy of your pity, but not worthy of your time or trust. She's obviously very jealous of you, either as a person or as a mother, or she can't wait to show her daughter in a better light than your daughter. You should cut ties - maybe not officially, but just don't be available. The less you engage, the less chance for a repeat.
Let it go. The kids are graduating, it's done. They'll go their separate ways, and if they want to see each other on vacations, they are adults now. Don't get involved, don't shell out any more money for her kid, don't attempt one single group event.
Trust that your daughter will continue to be a humble and excellent woman, and that you have done a good job.
I agree with Patricia - be polite if you run into each other, but be in a rush so you don't have to linger. If the daughter comes to your house to see your daughter, you can be warm and welcoming to her, but that's it. She's going to need some stable adult role models.
When I was in high school, my mom had little to no involvement in my friendships. Having a joint graduation party is not something that would have come up at all, for example. But my best friend(s) were not the daughters of my mother's friends either so I can see how you've been roped into it.
The good news is that your daughters are probably going to be moving on to college or whatnot soon. They will start their adult lives in a way that is more separate from their mothers. You and Karen should be able to drift apart without drama.
Was your friendship with Karen ever rooted in more than your kids being friends, and your being parents with kids at the same school, etc.? If there was more there, a real, adult friendship because of things you and she had in common -- other than having kids who were peers -- then it's especially sad that she seemed to change so much. From the post alone, it sounds as if your interactions with her, at least this past school year, have been based entirely in school events and your kids' events, not in you and Karen doing things together or sharing some interest or activity outside your kids.
If I read that right and you and she have interacted only in relation to your kids--you aren't friends anyway; you are parents who coordinate your kids' activities at times. (And disastrously, on her side, unfortunately.) So graduation is a very natural ending point for you and Karen. I suspect that she might stop getting in touch with you anyway, once her daughter is out of the house (assuming she's going away to college or whatever). Just stop contacting Karen -- not in a dramatic-announcement "I'm cutting you off and will never talk to you again" way but in a basic, "Hey, now that the girls are gone, I'm going to be busy with this other activity...." way.
Can you see how sad and pathetic she really is? She might be someone to pity more than hate. Anyone who is that invested in spending gobs of cash and showing it off to the world is probably a very, very insecure person, and the fact that you say she has been living through her daughter also indicates an insecure person who may not know who SHE is since she's defined by her daughter and by her possessions. It's infuriating, of course! But it's also sad, especially if this material obsession is something that was not present when you knew her earlier.
Just one other thing would nag at me: Any chance that maybe she has an issue that is behind the behavior? A friend of mine spent money like water and ended up in huge trouble; it turned out she was bipolar and spent freely when she was in the manic state. Not saying Karen's bipolar here, but you never know what's behind peoples actions--particularly if those actions are different from how they were previously. And sometimes showing off one's perfect, wonderful lifestyle to the world as publicly as she does can be an indicator something's wrong at home, in a marriage, etc.
I still would let her go as a friend, with all that lying....but I would just leave it at "Maybe she's doing all this because she's insecure and/or has some deeper issues, and I choose to be less angry than sad that she's now someone I do not plan to see."
What do you like about this person? If she has any good qualities you neglected to mention them.
If you still view her as a friend in any way, it is only with the memory of who she once was. You must be a very loyal person!
Keep in mind, now that the girls have graduated, they will naturally be going their separate ways, oh they might still hang out here and there, but once HS is over.... things have a way of changing.. now, in terms of the friendship.. After nearly over 20 years of being friends with a specific person, I finally cut the ties, one major reason was her lying... for years, I didn't pay much attention to it, even when it was about the stupid things, which always confused me because it seemed so senseless, when the truth would have been perfectly ok.. I also didn't like how I went from the Fri and Sat friend, to the sunday afternoon, I have nothing else to do friend.. Forget that.. However, I am making a long story short, there are actually much deeper wounds that took place for which I won't bore you with and I finally reached a point of.. why am I putting up with this person.. So I wrote her a letter and called it quits :) ....
if this friend truly bugs you... and a letter isn't your thing.. then just slowly stop doing things with her... you needn't explain yourself... and eventually, the friendship will fizzle.. I wish I had broken ties YEARS ago... don't waste too much in rotten friendships.. you ll wish you hadn't... forgive, move on and make way for new relationships.. out with the old in with the new. :) good luck
ETA
You might want to read up on the book "I'm Okay, You're Okay".
The biggest thing I remember from reading this book that applies to your situation is the "I'm Okay but you're not" section.
This part talks about how people who are inferior to others act to make everyone around them feel small and bad, so this person has someone that she can feel like she's better than them. When in fact she is much much less of a person.
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I understand you put up with this for your daughter but I sincerely hope your daughter's choice for college wasn't up to your friends standards so you daughter isn't stuck with her in college too. If she's going to a different school then she's going to outgrow her very quickly.
If they're still friends you can sit down with your daughter and have a very frank talk to her. Tell her you won't be doing anything with this woman again. She is full of evil horrid things and the graduation thing would be the absolute last straw. I'd have said she had to respond by April XX and after that my own party would be going on.
She is an evil person who should be humiliated and shown up.
Yes. Absolutely. Life is too short to waste on people who treat you this way. What bothered me the most about your post was the part about the graduation party. If your friend wants to posture, preen, and act like she is something great, Ok. She's not hurting anyone, and a certain level of pretentiousness is to be expected in most upper middle class and above communities.
Trying to ruin your daughter's graduation party takes it to a whole new level. Now that the girls have gone off to school, there is no need to stay in touch, even if the girls are home during breaks. You have a very easy way out of this one.
YES, why keep torturing yourself.
