Should the Step-mom and the Kids Mom Ever Meet?

You are sharing children...of COURSE you should meet, but not EVER to discuss your ex. The only relationship you should share is being a parent to your kids.

1 mom found this helpful

without a doubt i think that you two should meet!! of course she is not comfortable now but i bet if you two continue to email each other it would help!!there are going to be functions that come up that will include everyone from all sides and at least the kids will know that there is not going to be any tension. no one really has to know about the time you two spend together. it could be a quick lunch or shopping trip to the grocery store. i think that if you two connect before you get together with the kids and their dad it would be a little easier. you know how distructive he is and you know how she feels and that sometimes can effect the way she treats your kids and that is all you are trying to prevent. stay stong and be very persistant that you are only trying to be a posotive part of her life. and let me just say that this country need alot more moms like you to stay involved of every aspect of their childrens lives. you are a great mom and i commend you for that!! keep up the good hard work!!

Hi P.,
I am a little confused about your situation but if this woman is married to the father of your children then you should have met long ago. There is no excuse she can give you that justifies you not knowing her if she is such a big part of your children's lives.
As far as her e-mailing you, it sounds like she is stuck in a bad cycle if she will tell you negative personal info about her relationship with your ex but then refuses to even meet you to say hello. I wouldn't get in the middle of her issues. You aren't in the relationship with your ex for a reason. You need to protect yourself from being sucked into that situation. Try to shift the conversations to positive things about your children, school, activities, etc. You don't have to be best friends or even social friends and you certainly don't want to know the details about her life with her husband.
I hope you find a solution. Take care,
B.

Coming from divorced parents I can say that I think it is very important for you to meet the stepmom. I think is also your right as the children's mother to meet a person who will be spending that much time with your children. You just need to let her know that you will not be putting her down or belittling her. It is in the best interest of the kids to see you guys can at least be civil with each other and that they don't have to feel like they are being put in between you two. My mom and stepmom were always civil with each other while we were growing up. We, most of the time, did not feel like we had to choose sides or be uncomfortable when they were in the same room. You just need to understand that it is your RIGHT as their mother to meet any one who will be spending time with your children. Good luck!

ok, so i am a stepmom myslef. my husbnad and i have been together since before my stepdaughter was born. she ws born in TX right before he deployed and he wasnt able to see her till he got back 8 months later. (he was in KY) i met her a couple months after that when my husband and i decided to get serious and talk about marriage. it was shakey at first, but it got better after that. We got custody of Patience (my stepdaughter) a few months after that and I felt better taking care of her knowing that I have met her mom and we were all ok. Her and I get along pretty decently and have been involved in each others lives. Her and her new husband were stationed where we were in KY so we all got to see Patience whenver we wanted and it worked out good. We went to events together, her first day of pre-school, etc together. We hve custody of her she sees her mom for school breaks and summer vacation now. (we are in CO now and she is still in KY) her and I are not really good friends, but we get along pretty good.
OK, so here is my major point...you have every right to meet her. whether she wants to or not, you have that right as the mother of the children to meet the woman who has a part in raising them. I would not feel anywhere near comfortable leaving my kids with someone i didnt know, or at least meet first.
It seems like it will be a very tricky thing because i think she is trying to reach out to you, but then changes her mind because she isnt very sure of her relationship with your ex. she is probably scared that she will see the reason you left him and second guess her own relationship. either way, thats not what this meeting should be about. my husbands ex wife and i have never really talked about their marriage and i want to keep it that way. we have made it 7 years without disccussing it and its fine the way it is. everyone is different. bottom line is that you have a right to meet her and make sure that she is someone you feel comfortable with helping to raise your kids. if not, then i think you need to rethink the custody...whatever that may be. even if its every other weekend or whatever that they are with her and your ex, it is still important to know who will be responsible for them in that time frame. i hope this helps!!
C.

You absolutely need to meet each other!

However, I don't think that it should be a "meeting" between the two of you exclusively, because then that just creates a serious atmosphere that invites deep discussions, which you DON'T want when you're first getting to know each other.

Instead, you should both be attending your children's events (sports, b-day parties, etc) and you can all sit together. Then you can make some conversation with each other but not feel forced to have to talk the whole time, since you can focus on the kids' activities. The kids will see you two talking and playing nice and that's good.

You two don't have to be friends, but you should at least know something about each other and your views on parenting.

I am a step-mom and I sometimes sit and hang out at my step-daughter's mom's house for half an hour & chat with her mom while I'm picking her up or dropping her off. It's very easy-going and we can fill each other in on important things that are going on with the child. However, we don't talk about our personal financial issues, marriage issues, etc. like we would with close friends, because that just provides "ammo" if something ever goes wrong.

I wish you luck.... I'd really just try and convince your ex's wife to attend the kids' activities and take it from there.

You should definitely meet. You have every right to know the person who is caring for your children at any given time. I met my husband's ex only a few months after we had gotten together. His daughter was 7 at the time and is now going on 17. While I don't like or respect the woman at all, I have always thought of my step-daughter as my own, and I wanted to know where she was going on all those overnight visitations (my husband has full custody). I wanted to be fully aware of the environment my step-daughter would be in and know what to expect if something were to ever come up. There have been a couple of times when I had to go and pick her up from her mother's house in the middle of the night, and I was glad that I knew ahead of time that it could come up and was prepared for it. I also do not allow my own children to visit her or see her at all, unless we're just all in the same place and I or my husband is there. My step-daughter is old enough now to decide when to visit her mom and can driver herself there, but I can't imagine sending my children -- step or natural -- to be cared for by a woman I've never met. Like I said, you have every right to know who's caring for your kids. I wouldn't let this one go, and it sounds like you are being extremely tactful and patient about it, not to mention very accomodating. She's probably a very nice and just worried about your ex's reaction more than anything. Perhaps you need to have a word with him?

In my family growing up all (brady bunch-like) parents were friends. Now that we are older, two of my sisters are divorced and they are friends with ex-es or current wives. I agree with you, it is good for the children to see their parents healthy and O.K. with what has transpired. It is healthy to see parents working out fights and seeing the good outcome. Also, I believe this woman is crying out for help in a big way. You need to befriend her. Don't talk her out of her relationship with your husband, of course, but maybe someone who has been in her shoes can give her a little perspective. Make her feel good about herself, afterall, why in the world would anyone want to belittle her and kick her when she is already down. I hope that she can get into a better place for the sake of your (and her own?) children. Good Luck, keep asking her eventually she'll give in.
L.

I highly recommend you two meet. I just spent three hours with my ex's new wife. Just getting to know one another. You all should do your best to get along. Just keep reassuring her you are not doing it to be mean just want to know who she is. Good luck...It's hard..

I AGREE THAT IT IS A GOOD IDEA! And yes, do it privately first, and make sure you stay focus on the kids and try not to let it turn into a bash about your ex. She may feel compelled to talk about it or compare, but don't in any way encourage or agree. Sympathy here only, and focus on the kids. Been there! And it is about the kids. Let him be bitter. You don't have to be!
:) Cheers to you!!

LisaT

P.-
Being a step-mom myself, I completely agree that the two of you should meet, and I find it strange that you havn't already? Me and my son's mother are pretty good friends, considering the situation. She can sit over here and talk with me for 30 minutes or so some days when she comes to have a visit with her son. Sure we do kinda not get along occasionally, but I'm sure the situation is a little different with you... My husband has custody of Jacob, and she has some mental, physical, and addictive issues, so sometimes we do have to tell her that she can't see her son, and it's a hard situation, but we do get along.

I am a Step-mom and I have always tried to be very kind to the boys mom. We have been to wrestling matches, birthdays, etc. I even got a couple of letters from her thanking me for caring for her children. I think the kids need to see that the two of you can get along. Whether we like it or agree with it, we are all a family and needs to able to show the kids kindness to each other. You wouldn't want your kids to be mean to her would you? Okay, sometimes and maybe a little. HaHa! My girls had a Step-mom, actually 2 now and they do not have good relationships with either of them, but I'm glad to say not because of me. Never allow the kids to feel put in the middle of any of the adults. Make them feel loved all around and they'll me much better adults for it. Kay

yes, but until you have the chance, keep writing and calling her and help her feel loved. help her know that you understand how she feels. pray for her and for the help you need

You've gotten some great advice here! In your situation, I agree that you reaching out to her is a good thing. Especially because you are the mom and she--as stepmom--is now an integral part of your children's lives. I feel for her tough situation but agree with the other Mamas that you should refrain from being sucked down that rabbit hole of husband bashing. I too am a stepmom, and I only wish my stepkids' mom (they live with me not her) would be as open to communication and general goodwill. Unfortunately in my situation, she is not a nice person and makes life difficult for everyone, so meeting with her and trying to develop a decent relationship seems impossible. At least you don't seem to be making life hard for her or your ex. Kudos to you for being a mature adult in that way! :)

Hello,

my response to this is all familier. I do think that you all should meet, but it should be just about the children. all of that other stuff with her isn't what the meeting is about. Sounds to me like she still has some issues with that past relationship. Im not sure how much time it has been since you and your ex were together. but she needs to try to get over it, but in the mean time let her know that it isn't about him and her or you for that matter, you just want to know the person that is around your kids and she should want to know who is caring for her children (if she has any). Im sure you and your ex have talked about this meeting, so now may not be the best time if he still has anger issues with it. Keep your concerns on the kids and if you have spoken to your ex about your issues of why you left, allow time for him to deal with the Idea that you are wanting to know what is going on in your kids lives and who is around them and how it may affecting them. Just give it a little time don't push it. Once you all find a common ground around your differences that is when the meeting should happen. You don't want this to come between you all's future relationships, they are hard enough with out the outside issues added.

A little about me: Im a Divorced mother of 5 kids, 16,15,10,8,and 5 (4 girls 1 boy) Ive been a step-mom and had that same issue, but my ex wouldn't allow us to meet because he said she would try to poison me against him. And when we did, it was okay at first then she did just what he said she would do. So see what your ex has to say about the meeting and judge from there. Good luck and I'll be praying for you. God Bless. Lisa M. Aurora, CO

Having been in both positions ( mom and stepmom ) I believe it is very important for everyone involved with the raising of the children to know each other. To have open communication about the children at the very least. I am not saying you must be friends... but for the children's sake, you must have communication and be honest about where you stand. My 17 yr old's stepmother and I don't see eye to eye on every issue, but having met her and getting to know eachother a bit, I believe we both have my son's best interests at heart. We do discuss anything he may be doing and how to best handle the situation. On the other hand, I am stepmom to 2 girls who's mother refuses to have open communication with my SO and myself, leaving the girls open and able to play the game of pitting one parent against the other. They are telling each parent a different story, and without communication, are able to get away with it. What we all need to remember, we are the adults and we should act that way. Though it sounds as though your ex is very abusive if he's got her so scared of communication with you... and has her believing so little in herself and her abilities. Maybe she's just scared that you won't approve of how she is doing her part of raising your children. I would suggest keeping the communication you already have ( emailing ) and maybe praise her on some of the things you know of that she's been doing. Let her know you a bit more and then bring up the possibility of meeting again. I wish you luck with this issue.

I have a mother and a step-mom, over the course of my life my 2 moms have been together many times, for me. Graduation, weddings, the birth of grandchildren, all of these events will be more joyous if the WHOLE family can be together comfortably. If your ex was not in the picture could you be friends, or at least acquaintances? Because this is about your kids and not his ego.
Good Luck

I would definately meet her, especially since you just want to be nice about it all and relieve the stress. I have to wonder why she is even with him if all he does is belittle her and treat her badly. Either way, I think it would be a good idea to friend up with her. Write her the nicest email you can and invite her to meet you for lunch and then go from there!

You should know everyone involved in your kids' lives, regardless of who they are. These meetings should be about neutral topics or about the kids, not about complaining about the man that connected your lives.