24 answers

Should Married Men Have Secret Female Friends?

A couple of weeks ago we were on a family outing and my husband began text messaging someone. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was text messaging his brother. Fast forward to this week and upon reviewing the cell phone bill I noticed a phone number that I didn't recognize that showed up a lot. When I asked him who it was he told me it was someone (a male) that he works with. Long story short he has finally admitted to me that he was text messaging a female friend from work that he recently became close friends with on a business trip and that was her phone number on the bill. I know that he hasn't done anything wrong to cross the line with his new friend, but I can't get over the fact that he lied to me for weeks. It turns out that he has been spending all of his spare time (breaks) with her at work and on Friday nights when I am at home with our child he has invited her to to out with him and his friends (which he says was no big deal because it was a group setting. its not like we was with just her)
Through the years we have set up rules within our relationship. Two rules that are very important to me are for him to wear his wedding ring and do not have close female friends that goes beyond the work place. (ie: no calling, texting, or hanging out with females after work) He doesn't agree with either of these rules and has chosen to ignore them. I told him I could get over this a little easier if he could just apologize for lying to me over and over. He says he can't apologize because he doesn't feel as though he has done anything wrong.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Me and my husband have friends of the opposite sex but we are all friends together. If he meets a female and they become friends then he introduces her to me. Same with me. I have male friends from childhood and my husband knows all of them. He should not have lied to you. That is the biggest rule of my marriage is to never lie or hold back information. You should have a serious talk to him about this and I dont want to worry you but it sounds to me that something is wrong if he had to lie to you about it.

Not at all. If my husband would have secret female friends, I would feel that he was cheating on me. And if a female does call him he always tells me what it was about, and usually it was one of my friends trying to get in touch with me. But we have a lot of trust. And we never keep secrets and that is what a great relationship is about.

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Me and my husband have friends of the opposite sex but we are all friends together. If he meets a female and they become friends then he introduces her to me. Same with me. I have male friends from childhood and my husband knows all of them. He should not have lied to you. That is the biggest rule of my marriage is to never lie or hold back information. You should have a serious talk to him about this and I dont want to worry you but it sounds to me that something is wrong if he had to lie to you about it.

He has done something wrong. He has lied to you. He is spending his spare time with someone besides you, that is a female. You should call him on this, and do not attempt to spare his feelings, because he hasn't spared yours. If you think, well, I should really kind of tone down what I say to him, because if he knew how I really felt, it might make him feel bad, or hurt his feelings, or feel like I don't love him anymore (trust me, I have done that many many times), he is going to think you are a pushover and he can vioate the rules if he wants and you won't do anything about it. He is overstepping boundaries, but not only that, he is disrespecting you, your marriage and yoru children. I can speak from experience when I say that workplace friendships can turn into more if not careful. I was good friends with my boss, and he eventually developed a crush on me which led to huge problems at work, as well as at home, when my husband found out, even though he knew we were good friends, and he knew I did not return my boss's feelings, it created a trust issue anyway. I did nothing to encourage romantic feelings, but when you spend a lot of time with someone that you like and connect with, if they are of the opposite sex, chances are, a true attraction will develop. Be careful, and know that you don't have to be a doormat. He owes you so much more than an apology. If this relationship were totally innocent, meaning that if he didn't have some guilty feelings for it, then there would be no need for it to be secret. Suggest that he invite her to the house for dinner with the two of you and your children. Ask her nice, but pointed questions about their friendship. Then, hire a babysitter one Friday night and go out with your friends. Do you think he would like or tolerate that? Be wary of people with major double-standards.

I went throught the same thing with my Hubby. except she was an ex of his from another state. His mom made me aware of it on a phone bil. Then a few months later I was pregnant and somehow someone forwarded emails that my hubby and her were writing back and forth. LOng story short they weren't doing anything, but he was still wrong.
Your hubby should realize that this breaks the trust in the relationship. If he has kept her hidden....why?
He may not have done anything with her, however he kept a secret and that is just as bad.
well good luck hon.

I am sorry girl, he broke your trust. If there was nothing going on then why did he keep her a secrete? There is not a problem with him having female friends, but you have to be open. He should not being hanging out with them while you are at home with the kids either. Good luck.

I've been through something VERY similar with my husband. I noticed phone calls on his phone to a number I didn't recognize from another city where he use to live. He told me it was an old male friend his from before he met me. Well, I then noticed on the cell phone bill that these calls only occurred between 8am and 5pm (when he was at work-- away from me). I asked why "Daniel" never called after 5pm and why did he start calling at 8am and all day throughout the day. I then noticed that these calls lasted between 10 and 20 minutes at a time and would also be at times when I called him or he was talking to me and "he had to go, he was working". I finally decided that this was just too fishy. I called the number private and a female answered. I immediately hung up and called my husband from work and confronted him and told him I wanted the truth. He says she was just an old friend that he had helped get a job at the place he use to work. I pointed out that it had to be more than that because of all the secrets, lying, and hiding. He said he just didn't want me to get upset about it so he hid it. Well, that didn't help. He immediately stopped the phone calls to and from the woman. Fast forward about 6-7 months. I figured out the password to his email account (yes, i was spying-- glad I did). He was emailing an ex-girlfriend and flirting with her and had even said that if she ever got a divorce from her husband, to let him know because he regretted ever letting her go and that he would divorce me for her if she wanted. Well, that woman avoided his flirts and tried to keep the conversations to general things (i.e. how are you, hows the family, how is your pregnant wife doing, etc). I made up a fake email and sent him something about noticing something on his profile and asked what kind of Native American he was (didnt flirt or anything) he wrote back and said "i'm choctaw, I'm married but need friends with benefits write me back" (take note-- i was about 3-4 weeks postpartum at that time) well i confronted him about all of that and we ended up doing some major relationship soul searching and he finally realized that i had already moved my stuff out (I did it the same afternoon I found the email and he was over at my brother's house) so he knew I was serious. THings have gotten better since then. So, I'm sorry this has turned out to be so long, but... I know how it feels-- feel betrayed? I did. You have to tell him EXACTLY how you feel and that even if she is "just a friend", his need to be so secretive about it has made you not be able to fully trust him now and make you question his word to you. Thats just my personal opinion. I'm glad I confronted my husband both of those times and didn't hold back how it all made me truly feel. It has been about 4 months since that last incident and I'm glad to say that he hasn't contacted any old female friends for any reason since then, BUT (always a but) I still do not completely trust him and I still "spy" on his phone and email... but he brought it on himself.

OMG!!! I so know how you feel ! My husband and I used to work in the same office. I quit to stay home with our 3 children. For the last few months her has had a friendship with a female in the office, Lunch, calling, texting and talks after work. Mind you I am pregnent with baby 4 . I found out yesterday upon looking to change his phone plan (per his request) to unlimited minutes. You see he keeps exceeding his minutes each month calling and texting her. I saw a number I did not recognize and called it. When I asked him he said " what I am not allowed to have female friends ? Are you telling me who I can and can not be friends with? " Upon speaking with the "other" female she knew nothing of my being pregnant and had no clue and was unaware he had not told me about the "friendship" and kept it from his CRAZY wife. Not to mention he deleted all the texts they sent to one another ....all to protect me?

He thinks he has done nothing wrong also and that he should be allowed to have female friends. I agree he can have female friends. Why did you keep it from me? why did you delete all your texts?

Men do not get it !! They do not want to be controlled but want to controll ! I have point blank talked to the other female and thought the friendship was inappropriate and that i am telling her woman to woman wether my husband gets mad or not, I will not let you get between my husband and I. I have three girls to look after and that she needs to do the right thing and not befriend a married man the way she has!! I

Not at all. If my husband would have secret female friends, I would feel that he was cheating on me. And if a female does call him he always tells me what it was about, and usually it was one of my friends trying to get in touch with me. But we have a lot of trust. And we never keep secrets and that is what a great relationship is about.

It is wrong for him to be this close with another female other than you, especialy since you and he have allready discussed this. Simply tell him, when you have his attention, and when you can give him all of yours. Look at him seriously and tell him this is not acceptable in your marriage. Tell him you will give him all the extra attention he needs, just tell you what his needs are, and do visit his workplace a few times with baby in arms, and look your best to remind him and the female friend that he has a FAMILY!
Some men are starved for reassurance and attention, and when a baby is involved they actually can become jealous, even if they would never admit it. Do make an effort to be his special friend and his date again. Tell him you want him to take care of the baby while you shower and get pretty for him, ect...continue to do some of the things you did when you and he were dating. Compliment him on things, as I am sure his new friend does often. Make him important, as I am sure she does also. It is probably the attention she gives him that makes him want to spend time with her , instead of you. Be calm, be sure of yourself and pursue this! But tell him this is not acceptable.

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