Should I Worry? - Lexington,KY

It is completely normal for kids to get fixated for a little while, especially on something as profound as death and heaven.

Maybe just reminders that while it is appropriate to talk about it, that there is a time and place for it, and just be honest and asnwer whatever questions he comes up with in a way a 4 year old will understand.

I was 4 when my father died, and I was very upset from the viewing... I didn't understand why my Daddy was in a box, and would not go to the funeral. I was fixated for about 6 months or so before I found something else to be fixated on... which at the time happened to be cutting my own hair! :-)

Death is horrible, and I have dealt with my fair share of it in my life... the one thing to always remember is that we are still alive!

Good luck, I think as long as he is not being morbid or making fun of it, it is just a normal phase... if things don't change in the near future, maybe talk to a pediatric counselor or a greivance counselor who might be able to give you a little more insight.

3 moms found this helpful

It's perfectly normal. Every child goes through this phase once they are introduced to the concept of death and dying. It's just a natural part of life. My DD talks about death and dying very regularly and has never attended a funeral.

2 moms found this helpful

I think it's normal. Try to make sure he knows the facts about death--on an age-appropriate level, of course. No creepy stuff like "sleeping now" or "watching over you" etc.

2 moms found this helpful

It's totally normal from what we've experienced with our own children. Don't regret taking him to the visitation. It's a part of life that he'd have to face sooner or later anyway.

1 mom found this helpful

My son was about your son's age when my mother passed. He did not go to the visitation nor to the funeral. I was not comfortable with him seeing his grandmother this way as I wanted him to have happy memories of the times they spent together.
My son asked a lot of questions and would say things sometimes out of the ordinary. I did my best to be honest and answer his questions to the best of my ability.
I think children have a hard time at this age grasping things that aren't tangible.They don't really "understand' what Goodbye really means when a person dies. Death is so final and I think young children have a hard time wrapping their minds around this. To them death seems like a vacation or when someone moves away. It's hard for them to understand that they are no longer on this earth because the earth is pretty darn big. I wouldn't worry too much though. Just continue to reassure him and let him know you are here.
Try to go to a library or a bookstore and try to find a book that explains death and dying on an age level your child will understand. Seek help from your clergy or pastor at your church. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

He is grieving and slightly obsessed with this, it sounds like. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), a tapping technique on acupressure points, can resolve this. eftuniverse.com has a Get Started Free section. There is a children's section here - http://eftuniverse.com/index.php?option=com_content&v... Here is a nice bedtime ritual 0 http://www.eftuniverse.com/index.php?option=com_content&a... where you could set up with a phrase like "Even though I miss _____ I am a good boy" Then with the round of tapping some things like "miss _____" "I will see him in heaven after I live a long, long time" "_______ is happy in heaven", etc. You can do the tapping for him and even say the phrases for him. If he gets into it, he can do more it on his own with just your guidance. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I think 4 is a very normal age for the death and dying questions. My daughter is 4 and has never been to a funeral but our dog died when she was 2.5 and it wasn't until close to 4 that she really started asking questions about death, dying and heaven. She has some days when she seems to focus on it all day and others where she doesn't mention it . Don't feel guilty for taking him to the visitation. We are just always sure to answer her questions very simply and briefly and then to move on to another subject quickly. It will pass. It's a very hard concept to grasp.

1 mom found this helpful

I think it's "normal." But who knows what that really is? My first son passed away at 13 weeks. I have had 2 more sons since then (and 2 older step-sons). My 2nd will be 5 in 2 weeks. We have pictures of Dylan up around the house. Not everywhere, but a few. Tyler (5 yo) of course asked who he was and we told him. We are a Christian family so most of our explainations for where Dylan is and why he isn't here include God, Heaven, etc.

Somedays, Tyler talks as if he actually met Dylan and he talks to Dylan like a kid would an imaginary friend. Sometimes that worries me a bit, but it's not all the time. Tyler asks questions like when are we going to Heaven; When do we get to see Dylan again, etc. I think a lot of it is because he doesn't really understand because he is so young. Tyler always counts/includes Dylan when someone asks how many brothers he has. Your uncle will always be a part of the family even if he's not alive.

1 mom found this helpful

Death is difficult for a child to understand. My grandmother died when I was around 9. It was very traumatic for me. If I were you, however, I wouldn't dismiss his grieving as something that will pass. I wish my mother had taken me to someone (because she certainly didn't talk to me) to talk to about my feelings because it wasn't long after my grandmother's death that I did fall into depression almost 2 years later. I couldn't have known then because I was too young to know the signs of depression but as an adult now, I know I was depressed. I cried all the time, missed my grandma so much that I wanted to die and go with her to heaven. I even went through a phase where I hated her! It lasted about 6 months. Do you go to church? Perhaps a pastor would the best person to talk to about death, God, heaven and hell. He's so young, and he doesn't understand if you are not equipped to help him (don't blame yourself!), then perhaps somebody else can.

1 mom found this helpful

Since the birth of my oldest, we have attended 10 funerals (he's 9), the latest being in November for my mother-in-law. These funerals have included elderly relatives as well as people who were fairly young, so it hasn't always been the comfortable "Well, they lived a full life" conversation. At this point, all of my kids have gone through a time where they wanted to understand death and dying and what happens after you die, and some of them linger on the subject longer than others.

We have explained to them that death is a part of life, and that it is like a journey to a new life, not something to be afraid of. We have also explained that while death is very sad and hard for those of us who are left behind, it is a happy time for the person who has passed away because they will be with God, and (we believe) friends and family who have also died. We let them know it is okay to be sad and to cry, and that it is also okay to talk about it as long as they are being respectful. Before my mother-in-law's funeral we also talked to them about the importance of respecting the other people in mourning since not everyone wants to talk about death and since some of them might be upset if the kids made comments about the body, the funeral, dying,etc.

Just give your son time to process what has happened and don't act like it's strange or unhealthy to talk about the loss of this loved one. The more at peace he sees you with the subject, the less he is going to worry about it as something scary and bad. Conversely, the more anxious and bothered you are by the subject, the more stressed out he's going to be about it.

1 mom found this helpful

Its a step we all have to go though in life, its a shame that it happened on your sons birthday, but its a lesson well received. People are born, people die. I doubt he will concentrate on it for much longer.

1 mom found this helpful

When my son was 4 he became obsessed with death and dying and he did not even have the experience your son had with a loved one dying. He saw a dead raven on the side of the road and suddenly his obsession took off. He wanted to know all about death and he would become VERY sad thinking about me or his dad dying. We had to talk about it a lot. We got some kids books at the library. He grew out of it sometime that year. Maybe it is a 4 year old thing.

1 mom found this helpful

Very normal! He is trying to grasp the concept of life and death. If you are a religous person let him know that God loves him and grand dad and not to worry. Try to distract him in becoming interested in something else if he lingers on the subject longer than you feel is appropriate.

1 mom found this helpful

I think its normal.

My daughter was in a mode where she talked about death for quite some time and she hadn't even attended a showing or funeral. She was just curious about the afterlife. She also was very curious what happens to the body and so on. For example she asked me "Mom, what would happen to my body if I died in school" ......

Give it time...I think its just a phase. Especially since he's had exposure. (Which I don't think is a bad thing at all.)

1 mom found this helpful

It's really normal, especially between ages 4-6, to try to understand death and what it means. My kids got kind of creepy about it even, but it's just something they have to figure out. Totally normal! I explained to my kids that yes, everything and everyone dies, but it won't happen to them for a long time. I think we also watched the Lion King for the circle of life bit.

I know it's hard... but death is a natural part of living and if you try to shy him away rather than allowing him to talk out his feelings... you may create a fear and mistrust of death.

Since our last 2 pocket pets died and 2 cats within a year... my 5 y/o talks about it often too. I tell her everyone will die someday, but hopefully those we care about will live long and healthy lives. Three of my cats are over the age of 12 y/o and I told her they are getting to be older cats and be more careful of them. She asks if they are dying and I simply say - noe, not yet.

This is VERY normal. however that doesnt mean that he might not need to talk to a therapist about it. talk to his ped about a referral it will help alot.

It's normal. My daughter has had no exposure to death and she talks about the same thing, she is 5.