Should I Tell Him? - Hazelwood,MO

On the trust issue... if you find yourself on the fence again ask her.

"Hon, do you mind if I share this with your dad, or were you telling me in confidence? Either way is okay with me."

Kids often do it "both ways". Either tell an adult because they think they can be trusted to keep it safe OR tell an adult because they're afraid of telling the other adult but want someone ELSE to tell them.

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Hi K.,

First, let me say, I think you handled the conversation with your boyfriend's daughter beautifully. You just focused on the truth, and stayed away from asking too much/putting too much focus on her mother's odd behavior. This was a lovely way to stay very safe with her.

This is a really hard one, but I do think that you should talk to him about this. The reason being, you do want to document this. Her mother having said something like this is important because it's a pretty huge red flag. You will have to help him see that, for his daughter's sake, he needs to keep his temper and talk to someone else ( a counselor, adviser, his lawyer if he has one,esp. if he's seeking legal advice in regard to parental rights and responsibilities) before confronting her. I haven't read your previous posts, but these aren't the actions of a well parent, to tell their child they might not truly be related to their father. That's just sick.

Your boyfriend can also, gently let his daughter know that, no matter what anyone says, he's always going to be her dad and she will always be his daughter. That they know, beyond a doubt, that they are meant to love each other, and this would be a great time for him to share with her some of those neat things they have in common: mutual loves and interests, and recounting some happy memories of spending time with her, and how he sees himself in her in positive ways. This will go farther than combating a vindictive ex. He should not mention his knowledge of what his ex is telling her, and let his daughter bring it up if she chooses to. He's just opening a door in the conversation, and reassuring her of his love and their bond.

Little kids actually catch onto which parent does/says/acts in ways that are healthy, consistent and respectful, and feel safe to be around, and which parents are harder to feel good to be with. Being told that your Dad isn't your Dad *doesn't* feel good. (I know this one personally!) This is why I suggest focusing more on keeping the relationship with his daughter a positive one for both you and your boyfriend, and giving as little attention to her mom, because believe me, it will come back to his daughter in a negative way that might make things more confusing for her. Keep documenting everything and best wishes.

H.

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You should have said "honey you know you can tell your daddy anything and everything" She needs to have that kind of relationship with her Dad!! she shouldnt get into the habit of keeping secrets from her dad. what if some day mom's boyfriend hurts her or touches her or whatever and mom says dont tell dad? What if you're not around to listen to her? When the two of you are alone tell her you you are worried about what she told you the other night and if her mom says it again she should tell her daddy. Again remind her she can tell her dad anything and he will still love her. IF a DNA test was done you can reassure her, tell her sometimes mommies get mad at daddies and say things they are later sorry they said. and reassure her he IS her Daddy. (if they didn' do a DNA test dont say too much to her)

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For the following reasons...
a paternity test has determined BF is the father
you want the child to trust you
telling BF would ultimately make things worse for the child, since her bio parents would be fighting

I would NOT say anything to BF.

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I think you should ask his daughter if it would be ok to tell her daddy, Together. Don't do it behind her back and don't do it if she tells you "no". The only time I would do is if she started to call him by his name instead of "daddy", but even then I would tell her first that you are going to have to tell him and explain to her why you feel he needs to know and maybe she will agree and want to tell him too.
Good luck sweetie and God bless you for being so good to a little girl who needs a friend.

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You should DEFINATELY tell your boyfriend this information!! First tell him, then, you and your boyfriend need to sit his daughter down and tell her that you told him what she told you because it hurt you so much, and you love her and her dad so much that you thought this was something he really needed to know. She might be upset at first, but she will get over it. This is too important not to disclose to your boyfriend. Is it possible that he might not be her father? If so, he even more so needs to know this.

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Hi,

First I just wanted to say that your intro to this post is a little off-putting. I almost didn't respond because you came across pretty rude. People are going to respond to whatever they see fit to-regardless. I don't know why you felt you needed to instruct people on what to respond to or how to do it.

I think you should sit with it for now. Don't tell your B/F ---it is important for his daughter to feel like she can trust you-telling him without asking her, is going to break her trust. Plus you don't want to put her in a bad position with her mom getting mad at her for telling you-then you telling B/F and the whole situation blowing up. I think you were right to tell her to keep calling him dad. But I wouldn't get involved with telling B/F-if he needs to know, this situation will come up again-his ex will most likely throw it in his face during a fight etc.

M

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A DNA test will settle that question very quickly. Perhaps this child is not his and the mother know thats information. It is mean of the mother to tell the daughter that information. He may be paying financially for the rest of his life for a child that is not his biological child. Perhaps in the future you could have the child bring it up to the dad or in conversations about taking a DNA test. It will bring up many angry issues but it may be better to know and move on.

Can you talk to the mom and ask why should say that to her daughter especially after paternity has been established? If not, maybe you could ask the child to let her daddy know what mom said. That way, she can still trust and confide in you but he knows what is being said. That can be very confusing for a little one.

Well first off, how old is his daughter?
You could always ask her if she wants her daddy to know that was said.
I do agree that you shouldn't do anything that would cause her not trust you.
But I also feel that he has a right to know.

Then again...
If his daughter doesn't care than it might be worth leaving alone.
I know some people that have kids but aren't together sometimes bad mouth each other. Not saying it's right, but it happens.
Its very possible her mother said that so it WOULD get back to her dad. You know, just to piss him off or hurt him.

Does she look like her dad?
All in all I think that if his daughter doesn't say it to him than you shouldn't either. Sounds like that lil girl needs a big girl that she can trust.

You don't say how old the daughter is here, but it's possible that the mom said something snarky, like "as far as I'm concerned, he'd not your dad" and the daughter processed it as she relayed it to you.

I say let it lie. I haven't read your earlier posts, but from this one, it sounds like sharing this would be like poking a stick in a hornest's nest.

So why tell him? I am not seeing any benefit from you giving that information to dad. Seems it would be the complete opposite of staying out of things and obviously this little girl is not buying into what mom is saying. So again, why tell him?

What good would come from telling him? The girl told you, not him. There's no reason to tell him EXCEPT to be gossipy and stir up drama.

If you want him to be mad at his ex, you can probably do it in a way that doesn't drag in the little girl.

I would not tell him...only because you state that paternity has already been established!

The Ex is just being spiteful and mean!

~I can relate a bit...my hubby's Ex-wife re-married as soon as the divorce papers were signed and began a campaign to get the boys to call their father (my hubby) by his first name and their new dad (the Stepdad) "Dad".
It was so hurtful to my hubby! I came into the picture a whole year later and the boys' would still occasionally slip up and refer to my hubby by his first name...because even though my hubby talked with the EX and asked her to stop telling the kids to do that, she refused and has always made the kids refer to him by his first name at her house...so it was confusing to the boys for a good long time. It is so sad when the supposed "grown-ups" act so horribly and involve the kids in such matters! It does absolutely no good...it only does HARM to the kids!

I would not tell him. If paternity is established, and there is no question about that, then there is no need to tell him. What GOOD would come from that? NOTHING!!! It is not worth the heartache, and the daughter does not feel that way, so I would just let it go. In time, the daughter will realize the truth about her mother, and she will see that you guys are not that way, if you keep out of the drama. Good Luck - sounds like a tough situation!

Personally, I would not tell her dad, because I think that you gave her a good answer and if you tell him, you would add the the drama between him and his ex. For the little girl's sake, she needs as much peace as possible between her mom and dad. Maybe if everyone ignores the mom's dumb statements, including the child, then it can minimize her dumb statements to a degree, rather than fueling the fire.

Holy smokies what a predicament! Do you have enough of a decent relationship with the mother to talk with her about it? It is, in fact, between her and your boyfriend and she should be the one to have that conversation with him. Maybe have her commit to a date when she'll talk to him and let her know that if she doesn't by then, you feel the moral obligation to do so. Maybe that you really don't wish to create problems, which is why you are giving her the opportunity to talk with him first.

Then, so he doesn't think you are keeping secrets in a bad way, the day he is set to meet with the mother of his daughter you can tell him you'll be around to talk with him afterwords because you know what it's about but think it doesn't involve you so would rather just be the 'girlfriend' in this situation. He'll be curious and might try to get you to tell him, but depending on how you play it he won't have much opportunity to pry the answer from you.

Either way, you are involved so being a good support to him is your role.

However, that being said, holy smokies is this a predicament! Listen to all the other mama's and ponder what is best for you in the kind of relationship you have. My recommendation isn't based on all of the information because I don't know they dynamics between everyone. All I do know is that it's truly really f-ed up that the little girl, 4 years old no less, has been forced to carry such a sad and lonely secret by her mother. I hope her mother can learn from this what an irresponsible and inconsiderate weight she has chosen to burden her 4 year old daughter with. Sorry, had to vent...it's sad.

1. she didn't day it to him. she said it to you. so don't say anything.
2. if she wants to tell him, she will.
your post will come off as off putting to many. you shouldn't be afraid of what people will say.some will judge, some will just give opinions. i think you are way into this thing with your boyfriend and his daughter. i think you will find yourself overstepping boundaries, and after all you're a girlfriend only. not a motherly figure, or a stepmom or anything of the sort. if i were you, i'd stir clear of all the drama related to your boyfriend, his daughter, and his ex until you find out what your place in this whole situation is. once you get that clear then you will know what to do.
just for explanation sake, if you were his wife, i would say you need to tell him what she said.

dont tell he is her dad in his heart wether in blood or not it would devastate him. anyone can be a dad but it takes someone special to be a father. he is a father dont ruin that for both of them.

Is there any chance she is telling the truth (the mom, I mean)? I ask because something similar once happened to me with an old boyfriend, only it wasn't me but someone else who the kids told that their mom was saying my bf wasn't their father. That friend did tell my bf what had happened, and it turned out to be true--two of their three children were not really his. I know you're stuck between a rock and a hard place; you don't want to ruin this girl's trust in you, but you wouldn't want your boyfriend to find out later that she told you, and you didn't tell him. I think the best thing would be not to ask the daughter, but tell her that you're going to tell her dad because he should know about it. Do it gently, maybe even the two of you can tell him together (if you think he can control his temper). But you don't want to keep getting stuck in the middle with all these "secrets," either, or eventually it will backfire on you.