Should I or Shouldn't I Finalize My Divorce.

People fall in and out of love all the time. It's usually due to selfishness and not giving the person a chance, or setting expectations the other person can never meet. Even in healthy marriages ruts and things happen, that is why continuing to date and reconnect is so important.

I would love for you to listen to this short little talk, I really think you should listen to it, it's only a little bit over 3 minutes long, then listen to it again with your husband. Have you talked about this with him?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ1yLFIEVNo

after you watch the video above, then listen to this one... it's even shorter and very sweet:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYhDhiojBPA&feature=ch...

I'm sure that if you invested time and energy into dating and romance for your husband, spend time loving and respecting him, cherishing him, then things will change. You both need to really reevaluate how thing family dynamics work and how you all can appreciate and love each other. Looking for sparks and chemistry as a marriage progresses is a pretty juvenile afterthought. because those feelings always need to be recreated and passion becomes subdued over the years as life begins. Perhaps you made a mistake marrying him when you did, but, you have to take responsibility for that and to your daughter and your husband as well. You made those vows and he deserves your commitment and willingness to make things work. If you just want to give up and not try, and think about the 'what might have beens', then it seems you have failed in this aspect.

The best thing to do, is to start where you are and continue forward.

It's true, putting God first can heal relationships in that sense. You pray together, you can see your husband in a Christlike love, you have more gratefulness and sincerity for each other and a willingness to change and be a better person for yourself and for the family as well. The Lord can grant strength, peace and reformation to all who seek it humbly.

7 moms found this helpful

M., I was married twice. To this day, I wish that although I was the one who finally decided divorce had to happen, and although I am remarried (almost sixteen years) there is not a day that goes by that I do not think that I wish that the first marriage could have been the one for forever. I was in a situation where I do not think that I could have gone on But perhaps I could. I love my husband now, but I am dealing with the after math of children of a divorce. They are grown, they are on their own, but they are victims of what a divorce did to them The fact is they do not appear to feel whole, they still feel sorry for their father (who has had so many problems I do not want to list) and although my husband and I took care of them, I am suffering from their rejection because they feel that way. Please think carefully about this. If he is boring, find some excitement in your life. It is not always the same. Life changes. You can change. He might change. I am not telling you either way, but think carefully before you divorce.

6 moms found this helpful

Why are you questioning your marriage? What do you think is out there waitng for you that the man you married can't give you? Divorce lives with you many, many years, it never goes away, it becomes part of your "baggage" that you take with you into a new relationship. It is not something that magically makes everything wonderful again, it is very contrary to that.
You marriage is what you make it. What do you bring to your marriage every day? What do you do that is wonderful for your husband every day?
What does he do for you? Marriage is not only a commitment but also work, it is not a magical fantasy land. Sometimes you look at other couples or you hear a story your friend tells about how perfect her husband is.... but trust me EVERYONE has moments in their marriage where you ask "Is this all there is? or Gosh, I havent kissed my husband on the lips for 3 days!"
I don't think people know what commitment is anymore, our society lacks in it for sure.
I hope you can think things through clearly and save your marriage if it's worth saving.

5 moms found this helpful

I am divorced from my older child's father.

For me, it has never gotten easier (son is 16). I have been re-married a long time and love my husband. We have a great family life.

But it is always a fracture for me, and for my children. Time has healed the "break" to a certain extent, but it has never completely repaired. And I've come to accept that it never will. It even affects my younger child (because sometimes his brother is gone).

If I were you, I would exhaust every possible avenue of reconciliation. I feel sorry for your husband that you feel that way about him - can you imagine if he felt that way about you (that he settled)? Treat him the way you want to be treated.

That being said, I hope I don't sound judgmental. My comments come out of my own experience. I'm not sorry for my life because I have both my children out of it (the greatest blessings God could ever give me). But it is not easy on the kids - your child and any future children will live with this forever.

Good luck - praying for God's grace and healing for you guys.

4 moms found this helpful

If you're asking this question, if you're hesitant, if you're unsure of whether you want to give up on your marriage, then you're NOT ready to finalize your divorce. Divorce is life-changing for you and your child. It is a big, big step. It will affect your child for the rest of their life...every birthday, every Christmas, every special event. I am long divorced (30 years ago!) and now remarried, but what I always say about my first marriage is that I was too young to get married and I was too young to get divorced. Two huge life changing decisions and I didn't give either one of them the consideration I should have. Take some time to think about it. Best wishes to you.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi M.,

I don't think any of us can answer the question of if you ever can or ever did love your husband, but I will say that love is NOT head over heals can't stand to be apart 100% of the time. Love means so many different things in a relationship and it changes as the relationship changes so you have to define it and answer that question yourself. I personally feel like if you didn't really give it a chance, then you will always question, what if in your mind. I know that I would. I think a lot of people question their chosen partner and the path they've chosen in life and that's pretty normal so I don't think it means that you've necessarily made a mistake b/c you have these thoughts. Anyways my advice besides the obvious PRAY about it since you're a Christian, is that if he's as good of a guy as you've said, I'd make DANG sure he wasn't the one b/f I let him go. I think you'll find the pickings are pretty slim. =) Good luck to you.

3 moms found this helpful

I really like what Momma L. had to say. I just wanted to add that if you really feel like you haven't given your marriage 150%- you will always be left wondering if you tried hard enough to make it work- and I don't mean just settling, but really having an amazing marriage. It's like bankruptcy- an absolute last resort after you have tried everything. If you can give it one more shot- and your husband is willing- really focus- really truly focus on your marriage relationship with your husband. Start out with a list of everything you admire about him, and everything you are thankful for about him. read it everyday- several time and add to it as you think of more things.
Go on date, walks, talk late into the night about nothing- this will take time and don't try and push things faster then they are ready to go.
It just sounds as if you are not quite ready to give up on this relationship, and that is a good sign. I think you should try to make it work and this last time, give it everything you have got- and more. And then, if it is still not working out for you and you really feel like you have done the best you could- you will feel better about going your separate ways and it will be a better departure for all involved.
God Bless!
~C.

3 moms found this helpful

Well to be totally honest I felt the same way when I married my husband. I always wonder if I had made the right decision. However once I came into the knowledge of God and his wonderful, unconditional love for me. I began to to see my husband in a different light. I never realized how much I had committed to proving he was not the one for me until I saw that the only thing I was concerned with were my own needs. Well like the bible says to take no thought because God will take care of us. I think we should do the same in our marriages we need to look at first what we give and stop always asking to have. I think you continue counseling and not to give up because the grass is not always greener on the other side.

3 moms found this helpful

Love is not always a factor in long lasting marriages or relationships.
Being in love, is usually the beginning of a relationship and later marriage.
But is it not always constant. Because love is not perfect nor constant and it ebbs and flows.
Nor does being in "love" indicate that a marriage will last.

In many cultures, there are 'arranged marriages'... that is not initially based on "being in love." It is their cultural ethos. BUT, many of these marriages... also last a long time. It grows.... and matures and the spouses have a different 'foundation' of 'love' and marriage... that they culturally understand... and mature into. And they have children and many of these marriages... are happy and deep and last.
But it is because their cultural and personal perspectives on "marriage" is different... than ours. Theirs is based on a different ethos... both culturally and in terms of family.

Personally, I do not always feel 'in love' with my Husband, and even more so when we are in conflict. But we did get married because we both felt that "chemistry" and bells ringing, in that cliche way.
But it does not portend, 'success' in our marriage or the demise of it.
Who knows.
It is the way an individual progresses/matures/changes in their life.... and how they then 'change' their ideas/ideals on what their Spouse "is" to them... and what the marriage is to them.

I don't know, what you should do.
But there is no ideal... except if a woman or child is being abused in some way... then she should get out and end it.

all the best,
Susan

3 moms found this helpful

Sorry, im confused: Is he asking you to reconsider the divorce? I think that is a significant aspect, because if he isnt asking you to stay married, then I'm not sure why you would assume he would still consider you and him as an option...? Just because you are having doubts doesn't mean that "his boat" hasn't already sailed, once you and him started the divorce path...

2 moms found this helpful

WHAT IF I NEVER MARRIED HIM, what would my life be like?

Ten - fifteen - years later....

WHAT IF WE STAYED TOGETHER, how would my life be today.

Life is full of WHAT IF'S.

Don't live in the past, don't live in the future. Live in the present. Present = God' gift for you today.

Make the decision to be happy today. Don't let your mind think of the WHAT IF'S.

Best of luck to you.

1 mom found this helpful

Well, if you have already told him these things, for the sake of being fair to him, and fair to your child, yes, you should finalize your divorce.

Yes, God wants you to love your husband in the mirror of loving Him, but you have to actually FEEL that love (for both God and your husband) in order for that to work. You cannot just go through the motions.

Both you and your ex have a chance now to find that 'real love'. However, you are right, however much real love there is, every relationship will have its issues eventually.

Focus on raising a strong, kind girl together, see you DO have one thing in common, and move on.

1 mom found this helpful

I say that if there are no kids involved in a relationship, and one of the parties is no longer happy, go ahead and split. When there are kids involved, however, you may want to consider a number of possible solutions before you call it quits. By your own admission, you have a good man, who also seems to be a good daddy. Let me assure you that there are not too many of those out there anymore! After reading your posting I realize that it comes down to you and the fact that you no longer seem to feel "the butterflies" for the guy. Let me inform you that this situation happens in almost every relationship, where over the years, our feelings change and diminish simply because now we have this person with us every day.
You're reaching out because you think that there may be a better way to solve your situation than divorcing; there is. Religion can help tremendously!! Go to church and look for help, at least give yourself and your family that chance before you call it quits. You admit family being paramount for you, you're now being tested on your beliefs!!
Best to you and your family!!

1 mom found this helpful

You say " I was never ready to give him everything he deserved and didn't know how to show the love". Do you think that maybe you feel as though you don't deserve him? If you don't feel worthy of him or his love it will be hard to show yours and difficult to work on the marriage.
You say you are not attracted to your husband-is that NOW or has it been that way from the beginning? Was there NEVER any type of chemistry between the both of you-ever? There is no "perfect" man out there. We as women make these checklist and for the most part most of all I have spoken to say yeah my husband is totally opposite than what I imagined I would ever be with -so is that grounds for them to file a divorce and keep searching until every check mark is crossed?
I have been married for 13 years and been with my husband for a total of 15 years. I have drifted from love to hate to dislike to love again-many different emotions and feelings. You are not going to have that lovey dove feeling that you always had in the beginning and it changes over time. I love my husband to this day but in a totally different way than when we first fell in love. We have had alot of bumps in our relationship and just a few months ago I was on the verge of filing for divorce as well but something changed. I think God has his hands over the marriage-I have prayed for so long and things are not 100% perfect and I would be a liar if I ever said it was. Even the marriages that appear to be the most concrete from the outside has its issues. I didn't think my heart would ever change and I'm not totally there yet I believe but I'm getting there and I believe that God has changed my feelings and my heart towards my husband. I also believe that God has placed the desire for him to change as well and us both put God in our lives first. We have history together, we have two beautiful twin daughters that God blessed us with, we have a home together, we have a developing friendship again-and something I missed. Sure another man could easily replace all of this but love is a "choice" I choose to love my husband through God's help and through him all things ARE possible! You have a lot of soul searching to do-please pray about it and pray that god give you the open heart and mind to see his answers for you. Good luck!

M.,
He has 9 out of 10 on the husband checklist and yet you want to divorce him? I am not a product of divorce, thank God. But when I read the other mother's responses below who have gone through it and deem their relationships w/ their children as fractured, say they never have completely healed, wish they had tried harder to make it work w/ their first husband, I feel really strongly that you should try again. I don't know if your husband would be willing to give it another try, but there is absolutely something to be said for a man who has 9/10 qualities that make up a good marriage. Love and feelings wane, re-emerge, etc. over a lifetime. I've been married for 13 years, together w/ my husband for a total of 17. Hey, it isn't a bed of roses. Life ebbs and flows. But I'm holding onto this man for dear life because he also has 9/10 excellent husband/father qualities and there's no way I'm letting that leave my life.

I'll add that I had a boyfriend who I was so starry-eyed over and he broke my heart. And while I do still think about him sometimes, I also know he wouldn't have been a good husband and father. I think part of what you should consider is your personality. Have you tended to be more attracted to "bad boys" or kind of extreme personalities? If so, you may want to save yourself from yourself. I've tended to like men like that but I don't think they are the best mates long term. Also, it's tough not to read about how this movie star is so in love w/ her husband and their new baby and think something's lacking in our lives. But then 8 out of 10 times, they're divorced a couple of years later.

You've gotten a lot of good advice, so I just want to comment on the Christian perspective. If you have not been praying for your husband, start. Don't ask God to change him, ask God to change YOU. Ask God to let you see your spouse through His eyes, not yours. Get the book Power Of A Praying Wife, then read it! I would also recommend the movie Fireproof; there is a book to go along with it that has helped re-invigorate countless marriages.
http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/

If you have doubts chances are you can't save your marriage - but God can, and will, if you allow Him to work through you.

My 2 cents....

If you can make it work and be reasonably happy as a family that is fantastic. However....I would caution you not to move back if you are not 110% committed to making it work and think that likelihood of you not separating again is very low. Bouncing back and forth between Mommy and Daddy together and Mommy and Daddy not together will be difficult for your daughter. So be cautious and don't rush into a decision before you are very sure.

I think the very fact that you are asking this question, you already know, you really do not want a divorce.