27 answers

Should I Move on from This Relationship?

I was looking on Match.com and found the guy I have been dating on there as member for less than 2 weeks.

I think the problem is me! I think I am too fat for someone to "truly" love. (not really feeling down on my self, but I don't think I would want to date me if I was a man. 65 in tall 300 lbs) We had dated over 4 years ago for about 4 months and then went our seperate ways until the Holiday season of 2009. We started dating again and began having sex for the first time. Ironically, the thing I hated about the last guy I was with (which I posted about him) started happening with him. Except worse, we would not talk for days or weeks, if I didn't initiate it. We haven't talked on the phone for over a month, and on that conversation, I told him what I wanted in our relationship. He told me that he wasn't looking to settle down, because he wasn't planning to live in this city forever. However, he assured me that I was the only one and that he was not looking for anyone else. He also said, if he was no longer interested, he would let me know, he doesnt like playing games. So again we haven't spoken in person ever since then which has been about a month. Within that month, I sent him a kiss via cell phone and he replied Thanks - that was the only personal dialog we had in a month. The only forms of communication we have is the comments we give each other on FB, and that's been only about 5 times for both. Anyway, I looked online to Match.com just to see if he was on there (intuition, I guess) and sure enough he was on there as a new member. I was not his body type preference, too. I think I should move on, but when we are together it's great, we talk for hours and hours, he's cooked for me, etc.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Move on.
It is not mutual.
He's trying to be nice about it, polite but not personal... he is keeping his distance.
If any man were interested, they show it. Consistently. And HE would be initiating it.

Move on.

all the best,
Susan

4 moms found this helpful

It sounds to me like you're a 'convenience' for him. And don't let the body type sway you--my hubby and I are total body opposites. When you find the right person, you'll just know. I would move on and start looking for that someone you're meant to be with :)

2 moms found this helpful

One...no one is too fat to love. I've seen plenty of fat people who get married and live happily ever after. I've myself had many boyfriends who preferred a larger, softer woman--I've also been dumped for losing too much weight.

Two...if he is interested, he'll call. Desperation stinks on anyone...thin or otherwise. Move on to someone else who can appreciate what you have to offer. Don't let him use you for whatever reason.

Dating as an adult is hard.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Please don't take offense, but please don't confuse "booty-calls" with having a relationship. It sounds like this person is very happy to have you fulfill his physical needs as long as you're willing...but I think he's made it very clear he will not be there for you emotionally.

From my point of view, I don't think your physical appearance is a hinderance...it might be more about how you feel about yourself and what those feelings are radiating to him and others. If you don't feel good about yourself, then why should he?

Stop dwelling on things "you" don't like about yourself and start living life to the fullest. It's amazing how we think our inner thoughts can not be picked up by others...and hold us back. You're probably a doll to look at, a truly sweet person inside and out, and if you had more confidence you'd probably already be settled with the right guy.

In the future "you" be choosy when picking a potential mate. Make them feel like they're lucky you're giving them the time of day! Radiate "I'm exclusive, top notch, and worth the investment" and they'll treat you like it!

I'm sorry this doesn't sound like it's working out, but as far as I'm concerned it's a blessing! He sounds like a total loser. Knock the dust off your shoes and find someone worthy of you.

6 moms found this helpful

I think you know the answer to this already...you need to find someone who loves you for you...not because you are just available. If he were truly interested in you he wouldnt be going a month without getting in touch with you!!!
I too am overweight...but that doesn't define WHO we are...we are personality, activities that we like to do, things that interest that we like to talk about, we are people...not just a body type!!! Don't sell yourself short...you probably know, just like I do that we would be healthier and probably happier, if we could lose weight...but we can't stop living while until that happens!!!
We have to first love ourselves...and then others will love us. My husband of 40 + years would be much happier if I would lose about 75 lbs and be closer to the girl I was when he first met me...but then I don't love HIM any less because he has lost all of his hair since we married...or because he now wears a hearing aid (Which actually is a GOOD thing..he doesn't blast me out of the car with the radio or out of the house with the tv anymore...lol) or dentures!!! We love each other because we love the person underneath all of those physical things!!!
You will find someone...but you need to love yourself and respect yourself before others will do it !!!
Dump the guy...I would go on Match.com and leave him a message tell him you hope he finds his PERFECT Match...and you are moving on with your life!!!

5 moms found this helpful

First of all, one of my dear friends is approximately your body type. She is a fun person who makes a difference in the community. She has always been "traditionally built" (do you read the Ladies #1 Detective Agency series?), and is struggling with a chronic illness (which contributes to her size), but she doesn't let it stop her when possible. And she has a husband who ADORES her.

But being married doesn't make her Somebody. And being a size whatchamacallit doesn't make her Nobody.

I'm sorry to say that whatever this relationship of yours was, it was at best an "almost" romance. I don't think your body type had anything to do with it! The man is not interested in settling down, he may leave town when he feels inclined, and he's not interested in talking with you, but you're the only one for him? And now he's joined a dating site again? Yeah, right. (There was a nasty name for that kind of thing back before I was even born: "Why buy a cow when milk is so cheap?") He's not interested in a real relationship, and he's lousy in the integrity department. Who needs him?

Don't keep thinking about him just because you wonder if anyone else will be interested. You don't want to "settle for what you can get." Abusive relationships begin that way, and it doesn't matter what size you are for THAT to be true.

So you are right; it is time to move on. Shut the door on that man, lock it, and don't be home for him any more AT ALL. Go get a new hairstyle or something, and then start making different plans.

I've looked at some of the other comments, and I hope you'll take them seriously. When you doubt if you're valuable, for any reason, it's difficult to break out of that mindset (I know from experience). But It's worthwhile to tackle, because you are worthwhile. You sound like a diamond in the rough to me.

This is what I would like to think of you as doing. I would like you to see a doctor and a counselor and do some work - on getting HEALTHY. You're tall, and you can carry more weight than a 4'11" petite gal, but find out what you need to do to improve yourself. Maybe you'll never be a fashion model. Maybe you'll never have all the men drooling at you. Most women never will be or have those things. The thing is that when you start becoming healthier, you start thinking about yourself differently, and you will want to commit to becoming healthier still. It's all connected. It will take both physical and emotional changes, but you'll be amazed at the different direction your life takes.

And when YOU decide to look for a guy again - to go out with or to marry - don't let him pick you. YOU pick HIM. And be choosy!

5 moms found this helpful

My husband and I were in the store today and we looked at sooo many women. He said soooo many men love women like you describe yourself. So move on and find a man who wants the earth and the stars -cause honey you can provide it. Do not worry what your size is. My next door neighbors just got married. He is extremely thin and she is an earth goddess. Love yourself and enjoy it. Your weight might come off or maybe not. This guy married a woman he loves. Not a picture in a magazine. I wanted to tell you how much you can be loved.

5 moms found this helpful

Move on.
It is not mutual.
He's trying to be nice about it, polite but not personal... he is keeping his distance.
If any man were interested, they show it. Consistently. And HE would be initiating it.

Move on.

all the best,
Susan

4 moms found this helpful

Yes, I think you should move on. Perhaps you should also take a break from relationships for awhile and work on nurturing yourself, and figuring out why you think you're unloveable. You aren't. But if you believe that about yourself, it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. And you may attract the sort of guy who takes advantage of your vulnerability.

First, take care of your health. Don't think of your weight in terms of appearance -- it's your health you need to focus on. When you start making progress there you will begin to re-build your self-confidence and self-esteem. I've struggled with weight issues for years, so I do understand how you feel. Talk to a counselor and/or a nutritionist and surround yourself with loving and supportive family and friends. With that support and effort, you can get yourself to a point where you can find a satisfying relationship. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

It doesn't sound like he's interested. If he was, it seems like he'd be talking to you a lot more and definately not be on match.com. There is someone out there for you who will love you and treasure you for YOU!! You don't need to be messing around with someone who makes you feel like he might not be that into you. Good luck!!

3 moms found this helpful

Not being harsh here, just truthful: it sounds like you were a booty call, which is all this guy is after. I really don't think it has to do with your weight.

3 moms found this helpful

Okay, obviously this guy is using you as a booty call....sorry to be blunt.
SECOND....I am a big woman as well. 5'10 about 330 (right now I am prego, so a bit more than that!). I have NEVER had a problem getting a man, keeping a man, or having long term wonderful relationships. I have also had really shi$$y ones too, but hasn't everyone? While my weight certainly has been an issue for me all of my life, I would not say that it has hindered my love life. BUT, if you are depressed or look down on yourself for how you look, then so will the people that you bring into your life. Meaning, people that look down on you will be the ones you date. Now, why would someone do that to themselves?
Be fabulous. Get your hair done, nails (if you want), pedicures, cute clothes (there are tons of cute clothes out there for big girls), educate yourself, read, have lots of girlfriends and get out of your house! As you start to feel more confident in yourself and have more fun, then more confident and fun people will be attracted to you. There are a LOT of men out there that like their women thick, heck you are in TX, there are WAY more men there than up here in Seattle, let me tell ya!
Lose the looser and start loving yourself.
L.

3 moms found this helpful

You already know what to do. Trust that!

3 moms found this helpful

You talk for hours and hours, he cooks for you and then what happens next? He's not interested in a relationship and is probably trying to let you down easy. You shouldnt have to chase a guy or initiate each contact. Move on and let him go. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

One...no one is too fat to love. I've seen plenty of fat people who get married and live happily ever after. I've myself had many boyfriends who preferred a larger, softer woman--I've also been dumped for losing too much weight.

Two...if he is interested, he'll call. Desperation stinks on anyone...thin or otherwise. Move on to someone else who can appreciate what you have to offer. Don't let him use you for whatever reason.

Dating as an adult is hard.

2 moms found this helpful

You said it yourself, your gut instinct made you check on Match.com. So trust your gut and move on. No need to call him, just let him fade away.

2 moms found this helpful

Oh, T., you have to move on honey. He's already told you that he's Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Forever (to you or to anyone else most likely), so it would be in your best interest to believe him. It maybe great when you are with him but you are not with him enough for you to feel good all the time and that is what a good relationship is all about. It's not about angst and, "Does he like me? Or does he not?" Take the good parts about him and your time together and look for those qualities in another man, one who sincerely does want to be with you and makes the time and effort to make that happen.

As for your weight issue, I know women of all sizes who have been in really great relationships. Do what you can to make you feel good about you. If you feel good about you, the sparkle will be in your eye and you'll feel comfortable in your own skin and that is what good quality people will be attracted.

Hold out for someone really special, T.. You deserve it.

2 moms found this helpful

Honey, you think that your weigh too much and so you are letting this guy use you. He senses your low self esteem intuitively. He is on match.com to find another girlfriend. He would call you if he wanted to talk to you. He would commit to you if he wanted. You should never have slept with him. You deserve a man that adores you and worships the ground you walk on. You are not worse than the size 3 women. Until you realize that you have a beautiful body inside and out, you will only attract losers. I really believe that you have to love and accept yourself and be confident that you are a good catch before you can get a good guy. Right now this guy is not yours and you both know it. Now don't be sad or devastated about him. Why don't you go on match.com and look for a new man and delete this jerk off your friends list. I know that I don't know you, but I know you are worth millions more than you think. Everyone has lots of beauty and goodness inside of them but lots of people can't see it in themselves.

2 moms found this helpful

Absolutely positively NO SETTLING for the Mammas!!!

2 moms found this helpful

It sounds to me like you're a 'convenience' for him. And don't let the body type sway you--my hubby and I are total body opposites. When you find the right person, you'll just know. I would move on and start looking for that someone you're meant to be with :)

2 moms found this helpful

Not to be cruel, but this isn't a relationship. You don't speak, you barely communicate at all. I think he would be shocked to hear that you think that you're dating.

I think that you need to get into therapy to help you realize that you are worth so so so so much more than this, and that it is simply impossible to be too fat to love. You are settling for the lowest rung on the ladder when there's no reason at all you can't be aiming for the top.

I wish you the best.

1 mom found this helpful

Before even reading your post, I knew that the answer to your question was YES. You know it too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question. You just need confirmation that you'll be doing the right thing.

The way you perceive yourself physically should be an indicator that you need to change your diet and begin exercising. Oddly enough, our diets and energy levels can have everything to do with our behavior.
You blame yourself for the things he's doing, and that's silly. Because, unless you're dating a person who is incapable of thinking for himself, he's accountable for his every action.
This man is seeking out someone else. This means that he's ALREADY given up on your relationship, but is incapable of moving on without knowing that he has something to fall back on. You're second best to him.
Do you also want to be second best to YOURSELF? I wouldn't.
If you stay with this guy (regardless of whether or not you lose weight), you'll never learn to rely on and love yourself. You're looking for his approval, and that type of a relationship isn't healthy.
Lose weight, not only for yourself but for your health. Your child needs you.
With the new energy that you'll get (through exercise), you'll also feel better mentally. You'll look back at this and realize that this guy wasn't something amazing in the first place.

PS... you can be loved, but first you have to love yourself.

Good luck to you.

1 mom found this helpful

What you are in, is not a relationship. You're being strung a long and used. Move on.

1 mom found this helpful

you are not to fat for any one to love! what you should do is sit back and relax and stop looking for love. when you take the time to work on just you or please just you it shows. i had to figure this out for my self. i got tired of trying to find someone that was "just for me" and i started doing things just for me and my son. i would take myself out or take me and son out on dates! lol but i just stopped worrying about where is "mr right for me" at. and you know as soon as i stopped worrying about it, he came my way! he's not perfect, he gets on my nerves sometimes but he does what he is supposed to do and makes me feel happy with who i am. and i told him from day one" i am not looking for a short term relationship, and i am not looking for a F&^% buddy and i will not accept less!! and i told him if he couldn't accept that then we could always be friends and i would hold nothing against him. and he knew i meant it! so when "he" does come along let it be known right up front what you want for yourself and STICK TO IT!!! and the right man will come along for you! but don't ever say you are to fat for someone love, everyone can love, deserves to be loved and is capable of loving. and if you are unhappy with your weight then do something about it! but i guarantee there is a man out here that will love you just how you are. and i am not 120lbs telling you this i am 5'3" and 205lbs! so love you first and never settle for less cause there is more of you to love!! throw that man away!

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, move on. You are a lovable person, and many men find your "type" to be attractive.

I also think you should be point-blank about why you are "dumping" him--that you while he has said he wants to date only you, he is not actually dating you if he's not communicating, and that you do not have a true romantic relationship which is what dating is. And that "not playing games" means also listening and honestly hearing the other person in the relationship and caring for their needs as well as one's own, not hearing and ignoring the partner in the relationship and blowing them off. You don't have to mean--just be honest and forthright. It might actually do him some good. And it will probably do you some good, too.

G-d bless you for being strong enough to recognize this guy as one to pass on by!

If it were me (which I have been through this same situation) I would move on. These types of guys are users. They keep you around, dangling on a hook, until they are ready to move on. They make you feel great when your together then your lost in a black hole for however long it takes them to contact you. Tell him you're ready to move on and wish him the best.
You saying your too fat to love is absurd. Everyone is capable of being loved by someone, but....you have to learn to love yourself first. =) Good Luck!

I believe he has moved on so should you.

Hi T.,
What are you going to do if you are still, "dating" Mr. Booty-Call, and Mr. Right shows up?

Mr. Right, if he's a great guy, will take one look and head the other way.
t

Wow, T., you need to raise your standards. Don't settle for someone who doesn't want to do whatever he can to spend time with you. If he is not pursuing you while dating, then you know he will not pursue you and your interests when you are married. And don't be used by anyone (sex) who will not commit to you in marriage. Do you want to be a single mom?

Read "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She has had a call-in radio program for over 30 years and really knows the inside scoop on people.

And if you think you are overweight, and it bothers you, then start eating less and moving more. You will love how good you will feel about yourself that you have the strength and discipline to drop a few pounds. You are stronger than you think!

You are not too fat for someone to truly love, there are many men out there that prefer a larger woman. Sadly also, there are men out there that are cruel and users also. Move on from this one because you can do better.

Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.