Should I Make Him Play

My son is very shy in the beginning. He often has to watch several sessions of a new thing before he'll participate. I'm assuming you've paid for it, so why not go and just keep trying. Maybe he will join in at some point. I wouldn't force him, though.

Hi Emily,
It's wise to require him to stick it out. This will help him overcome his fears. Even though it's very difficult, that's what I would do. Otherwise he will get into a pattern of running away when he feels afraid.

Also I would never describe him as shy in front of him. He will retreat into that label and it will be even harder to help him out of it.

Hope this helps.
M.

I would make him tough it out. My parents from when were that age always made us finish what we started regardless if we liked it or not. Usually by the end we were glad that we did and had so much fun. Just keep with it and he will learn not to quit and to finish things.

You know I started Tae Kwon Do when I was about his age and I was so shy that I ended up spending my entire first day in my mom's lap crying because I was scared to be around the new people. I actually got on the mat the next time and after that I started to actually participate. If my mom had forced me I would have never felt safe with the new people. I went on to become a black belt before the age of 10. Keep taking him to the practices and games and let him acclimate at his own pace. Don't force him, just take him and allow him the opportunity. Eventually he is going to remember why it was he wanted to play again and then he will play.

Do make sure that you take him to each of the practices and make him stay for the entier practice, at least over in the same area as the rest of the moms, if not with the kids. Don't let him just go home, take him and keep him there. Don't force him to play with the other kids until he is comfortable but do make sure you encourage him to do so.

I also have a very shy 4.5 year old boy. I usually make him walk over and I will introduce myself and him. I tell him can sit by me for a little while and then he needs to join in. He plays soccer and runs off the field every few minutes to make sure that I am still there and to give me a hug. Your son may need to sit out one or more games/practices. One suggestion is to have the coach ask one of the other kids to come introduce themself and invite your son to play. It is sometimes easier if another kid makes the first move.
Also our house rule is that you have to finish whatever you start. If I pay for a sport, musical instrument or class, they have to finish it.I do not make them sign up again if they do not want to, but I want them to know that they need to be responsible. I want them to learn to follow thru and that especially in sports, you are part of a team and that they need everyone to do their best in order for the team to do well. Basically the team needs all its players and they have all commited. I have 3 kids 14, 10, and 4.5 and this has worked well for them. My 10 year old has tried everything once, some she liked and wanted to repeat and some that she struggled to get thru.

At 5 years old why make him tough it out. Could something have happened to make him not want to participate? Ask him why he doesn't want to play and if it is because he is on a new team help him meet the other kids. Invite some of the kids over for a play date so your son can get to know them. Or just wait til the fall and sign him up with the same team. I would let him sit it out if he chooses. Why put a 5 year old through the ordeal of being uncomfortable when it is just flag football. Try again in the fall. If he were older I would say tough it out, but again, at 5 kids don't need to tough it out. (I'm wondering if he thought he would be on the same team and is disappointed he is not) Just my opinion, I hope it all works out.

I am a strong believer in not forcing extra-curricular activities on children, especially when they are young. I have a son who is now a senior in high school who was so shy and anxious at that age that one of us had to stay with him for every activity. He hated meeting new people, he was worried about his abilities. I'm proud to report that he has grown out of all of it, and I'm sure yours will too.

Listen to your child and your intuition.

Take him every time there's a game or practice. Let him just sit and watch if he wants to. Don't force him to play. I think that after a few weeks, he'll be ready to get in there and play again. Good luck.

Hi Emily,

Maybe he just needs to take it slow. I would still take him to practice, but let him watch from the sidelines for as many times as it takes - even the game on Sunday if need be. If he likes the game, and it seems like he does otherwise he wouldnt've asked to play again, he'll probably eventually get itchy feet and want to join in.

Good luck.
D.

If you want to give your kid a complex about sports and his relationship with you, and encourage him to feel powerless and that his needs and desires don't matter at all then you ought to force him to play. If not, you might as well let it go and enable him to decide when and if he's ready to get involved.

Maybe he needs a gentle introduction, just to ease him into things. Perhaps set little goals for each week and be happy if he meets those rather than running out and socializing like the rest of the kids?

I speak from experience as a shy kid, rather than as a parent of a shy kid. It wouldn't/didn't help me to have people tell me to get over it. Its about learning skills that maybe come more naturally to other people.

Hope that helps and that he can enjoy his football :)

E.

Hi Emily!

I think it's better not to force him to stick it out. He's clearly made up his young decision.

What I learned was once they began school AND sports, that the sports were not that much fun the WHOLE season. Signs: We had a few tears when it was time to go to practice/game. Turns out, he was just simply too tired from school, and just wanted to be in his own home. It wasn't about liking the sport, it was about not having enough time at home.

We took a whole year and half off from sports until my son was a little more "emotionally" ready for the whole sports thing. Baseball is coming up, so I'll let you know if it worked or not :o)

Now my older son, we never had any problems like this. Even at 4 & 5 years old, he wanted to play everything and loved all of it. With my youngest son, it's about getting him exposed to the sports only. I cannot tell if he will even play sports yet, like my older one.

I'd think about giving your son a break if he doesn't respond too well this weekend. He might not be emotionally ready yet.

Good Luck!

~N. :O)

PLEASE don't let your son give up. Encourage him to participate. Talk to the coach... I'm sure they've experienced similar situations with other children and they must have a way to go about it effectively.

Allowing your child to quite or give up because he may feel uncomfortable or "shy" would just be supporting this behavior. And at what point in his life would you stop supporting that behavior??? I would recommend nipping this right now before it carries over to other areas of his life. I'm not saying "throw him to the wolves"... But there must definitely be a way to go about this in a loving and supporting fashion while acknowleging his feelings, yet positively encouraging him to step outside of his comfort zone and do what needs to be done. Talk to his coach!

PLEASE don't let him sit out this season. What message would you be sending him if you did??? Is that message okay with you? Once he gets out on that field and makes new friends and remembers how much fun he had last season, he will BEG to go back and thank you that you encouraged him to see this through.

Good luck.

I like a lot of the replies, especially Phoebe's. We have a rule that our son has to at least try once; then if he really hates it he's allowed to stop. If it's a matter of being shy, I agree with the idea of having a kid come ask him to play -- might be a good way to break the ice. My son is not really shy, however, he can be slow sometimes to warm up to new things; I usually stick around to reassure him, and this seems to help. I bet if he tries once he'll like it enough to try again, and again, and again.

I don't know what your kid is like so it's a little difficult to answer -- I think he's a little young to force him to be on teams, it could have the effect of making him hate the sport. But, if he liked it last year and it's just the issue of his being on a new team, then he will probably enjoy it once he plays two or three times with that team. In that case, since you've already paid, I would use the BRIBERY method -- tell him if he plays with them 3 times you will give him X. If after that he really hates it then maybe you could let him quit. Five is still really young.

But I agree with Phoebe's take also. It's just that if he plays a few times and HATES it, then it's not worth all the grief it will cause.

Yes he should stick out the season. He might eventually come around and realize that he can make new friends. However, if you let him drop out it could become a pattern. He may realize that he can just quit whatever he wants.

Perhaps you can call the coach and get a couple names of other Moms and invite them over to your home with their child who is also on the team. An after school snack time would be good.
Your little guy is shy, so maybe he feels very overwhelmed. I'll bet he would feel comfortable meeting a couple of his teammates on his own 'turf', and then look forward to joining them on the team.
Sincerely, T. S.

My daughter was really shy throughout Kindergarten. We put her in gymnastics and soccer at various times and she would kind of hang back. It took her a while to get comfortable and sometimes it took us playing soccer with her on our own or doing gymnastics on the living room floor - to build up her confidence and self esteem. She slowly grew out of this shyness and has blossomed. I can now put her in summer camp and she immediately gets out there and makes friends. Additionally she now gets in trouble at lot in class for interrupting and speaking out. :) I never thought she would go to this extreme, but we are working on that part. LOL

Just keep working with your son and supporting him. Take him to the practices and games and don't force him to play. The suggestion to have play dates with some of the other kids is great. I repeatedly put my daughter in activities that I knew her friends would be involved. Now she doesn't need to know anyone to get up and go. It will get better, just don't ever force your child because I believe that will make it much worse.

Good luck!

He may be slow to warm up. I'd keep going. Find out the team members, contact a few parents and make a play date in the park on another day. Maybe when he meets a new team mate, he'll want to play flag when he sees his new friend on the field.

My daughter often wants to do something and when it is time to do it, she has changed her mind, for what ever reason. We talk about commitment and follow-through. She is expected to participate.

Stephanie

Since he enjoyed his first season, and asked to play for the second season, I would try to get at what has changed. HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK, by Adele Faber (it's available through the county library system) has a lot of good suggestions on listening to the emotions behind the behavior so you can try to figure out what's going on. His response to a statement such as "sometimes people think they'll be on the same team again and are disappointed when they aren't" can tell you a lot.
Did he warm up slowly during the fall season? If so, you might talk about the beginning of the last season, and how it took a while to make friends and feel comfortable. If not, again, try to figure out what's changed.
There are lots of other good suggestions on how to get him more comfortable, and I'd try some of those. Talk to the coach, and see if he can help.
Personally, I wouldn't want him to drop out this quickly, and I'd make a real effort to get him comfortable (especially since he enjoyed fall season). That said, I wouldn't be willing to push him all season if he continues to really dislike it.
Good luck.

In our family, quitting was never an option...a good lesson--builds determination. If our child wanted to play a sport, dance lessons, etc., we always discussed it first, then signed them up. We explained that the team and coach counted on them...they were needed. Remind your son (if you haven't already) what it was like at the beginning of last season. Reassure him. that everyone is "starting fresh." Tell him everyone's counting on him to play this season, and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to play next year. Search for a way he can play with others on the team--away from practice. Good luck. N.

Hi Emily, If you know your son really likes the sport, than I would encourage him to play. My son is 21. He played all sports until he was 14. As much as I wanted him to continue baseball, basektball was his thing. He is still playing today. I have niece who sounds just like your son. She doesn't like change and is verrrrrrrry shy. She plays baseball and everytime there is a new coach, it takes her awhile to warm up. I wouldn't give up just yet. If he doesn't want to play on Sunday, I would still bring him, even if he justs sits on the bench. Good Luck

It seems like if he enjoyed it before, he will likely have a good time on the team once he gets to know one or two of the other kids. It seemed to help my daughter warm up to the other kids in her ballet class when I left. She didn't even want to go into the room when I was there, so I made up an errand that I had to go do, left her in the care of the teacher, and made myself scarce for about 10 minutes. By the time I came back, she was in her class and seemed to be getting along fine. I don't know if that would work for your son or if it would make matters worse, but I thought I would mention it in case it would help you. In any case since you already paid, he should keep going, even if he doesn't play. Chances are he'll change his mind and want to play if he is there, right?

Hi! I wouldn't force him to play. When he's ready he will let you know. There must be something that is bothering him or he's scared. You can encourage him, but never force them into something. Maybe he will want to play something else.
He is also only 5. Enjoy your time with him cause the years go fast. My son is 35 and he was very shy. We let him go at his own pace. He tried football one year and decided he didn't like it. Then He did High school rodeo and he blossomed. He went from barely talking to anyone to a very pleasant and helpful person. Took responsibility and loved the whole aspect of the sport and people.
That was a few years ago. I have always had discipline, but never forceful and always let them make some decesions, even if its wrong so they can learn from that.
I hope this helps. I am 55 and cherish both my kids. I have a daughter 28 too. Very different personality then my son. But raised her the same way. Both are good kids and never had a drug or alcohol problem. Not that they didn't try it, just thought better of there life. Hope this helps, I just rattled on and on.
You will do fine and make the right decesions.
V. S.

My advice is similar to Phoebe's. Since he asked to play again, I'd make him see it through to the end. I too have a painfully shy daughter (8 now). If I let her choose, she'd bow out of plenty of things she originally said she'd participate in. It's always been a rule that if you want to do something, then you have to see it through. And that means doing everything that the coach expects... if there are partner drills or positions she doesn't much care to play, or setting up or breaking down fields, etc. - if the coach asks, then we have to give it a whirl. Participation is part of agreeing to be on a team. Now that she's 8, she gets that and it isn't even a discussion. There are times when she's just not up for whatever she's asked me to sign her up for but she knows that she asked to do it, so she needs to participate. And when the season or class is over, she can decide if she wants to do it again.

Good luck. It's so hard to see a shy child not want to interact and participate. I've always had to be very careful about the situations she is in. There is a difference between making them do things they didn't ever want to do in the name of trying to get them to be more social (which I think in most cases backfires) and making them see a commitment they made through to the end.

Emily, This is tough issue. Pushing your kids to do things out of their comfort zone is always a hard call. I think it is a good idea to teach kids to stick with something for a long enough period of time for them to access the experience so they learn the process of self-discovery. Teaching him how to deal with feelings of nervousness, and that getting involved with new things creates jitters in just about everybody. Pushing a child to participate in an activity that they have tried for a reasonable period and they still do not want to do it, is not a helpful thing. That being said, my two girls who both felt nervous and intimidated with joining the swim team and swimming in meets, really never would have had that very pivotal and important experience without being prodded on. So, with that, I wish you the best in this parenting and others as well.