Should I Let This Pushmentment Stand

I'm usually a follow-through person when it comes to what I've said standing, but that's one of the reasons I never offer to take away a party or rare/special event or holiday celebration. In my mind you're not only punishing your son, but the child who invited him to the party. It's also unfair to the birthday boy's parents who have planned for a certain number of kids and perhaps had to pre-pay at the bowling alley. They may have told their son he could choose 5 friends, and if your child suddenly doesn't go -then he could have chosen someone else.

It also sounds like this isn't working anyway since he hasn't stopped misbehaving. I would make it more concrete -along the lines taking away a favorite toy or no tv for a week or some chore he hates (raking leaves or something). You should present this to him as telling him what the punishment is going to be for his week of misbehavior, but tell him you don't want to also punish his friend and that it's also important when you say you'll be at a party or event, you should go unless you get sick (given the absolute horrifying rudeness of people RSVP'ing these days -it's an important point to instill).

Is this week's misbehavior out of the blue? Has this been going on a long time? If this is all of the sudden -have you tried to find out why he's all the sudden acting this way? Maybe you should speak to his teacher. What does she consider bad behavior? Has she given you specific examples? Is he breaking class rules, talking back and being disruptive or has he just been fidgety or zoned out and not paying attention? I have to express concern at him being at a school where they still use corporal punishment. I'm not anti-spanking, but if someone else ever laid hands on my child I would come close to killing them! I believe a few pops on the butt with a hand is one thing, but you have no idea how hard this headmaster may hit your son! What is he going to hit him with? How old is your son? By the time kids are in school, spanking -especially a public one in school - serves no real purpose except complete humiliation and a furthering of your child's hatred of school. I used to teach and I went to school when kids got paddled for everything, but the kids who always got paddled never stopped acting badly!

I wouldn't take the party away and I would search a little deeper into this situation at school and talk to my son about his behavior. It sounds as though you need a different discipline strategy all the way around since the ones at school and at home aren't working.

****OMG **** I just read your update! He's eight, gets stressed out over timed tests and has ADHD and you THINK IT'S OKAY THAT HE'S GETTING SPANKED AT SCHOOL?!?!?! WAKE UP -THAT'S DISGUSTING! Yes I'm yelling because if you were standing in front of me I certainly would be! Do you have any idea the amount of anxiety, anger, stress and general upset you're instilling in your son by sending him to this place? No wonder he can't behave there! This is only going to get worse. You should have him seeing a counselor until you all find the way that works for him and what kind of learning environment he could thrive in. Obviously you have the means for this since he's going to private school. You need to find another school immediately. If this school can only control its students by hitting them with paint stirrers, it's a pretty sorry excuse of a place -especially when they have diagnosed learning and behavioral issues! Geeeez -that makes me sick!

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if you speak it, you must do it. If he really cared, he would have behaved.

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I simply appalled that any school still has corporabl punishment, and I can't understand why you would let your child be hit by a stranger no less. But trying to get past that since clearly you think that is acceptable.

My more direct answer is that you shouldn't threaten to take something away you aren't willing to. I personally would never take away something like a party or a special event unless my child was hitting, biting, swearing, doing something totally outrageous.

You don't say what the behavior is that is the problem, but ask yourself if you really selected the correct and proportional reaction? If so, then follow through. If you think you overreacted and selected the party in a moment of frustration, then change the punishment. It is your perogative as parent. Flexibility is a great gift. "I know you are really looking forward to this party, and I feel sad about it taking it away from you and disappointing your friend. However, if you want to go, this is what you need to do..." and start listing chores.

Frankly, if the poor kid is going to school and threatened to be hit, I hope he gets to go to a party at least.

PS - I don't even believe in a "few pops on the butt" but Julie B said it really well on the spanking, paint stirrer, ADHD part of the post. Textbook inappropriate way to educate. This poor kids is going to despise school if he doesn't already and resent you for not supporting his academic needs.

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If you cave on this one it will only get worse and come back to bite you on the butt. Stick to your guns mama, your son may be upset now but will respect you later

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What I've done when we wound up in a punishment that didn't feel right -- give the kid the chance to earn it back, and say it that way to him. "I know how much this party means to you, so I've giving you the chance to earn it back." Set clear, realistic expectations on what he needs to do and you can reinstate the party. 1) definitely an excellent day at school tomorrow, 2) and I'd add in more things as penance, chores around the house and such. But if he can't "earn" it back, then don't let him go.

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So the adults who are supposed to be teaching him letters, numbers, social studies, music and science are, instead, planning on how and when to hit him? And you wonder why he's acting out? A parent spanking a child is one thing....but a stranger? And you PAY for this "privilege"?

To do list for Friday morning:
1. Find new school.
2. Tell son he cannot go to party. A promise broken is a promise never made.

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He knew he had to behave or else -- lose the party privileges. It isn't like you just came up with this idea. He knew the consequences and he deliberately disobeyed. Of course it should stand.

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"Spanking from the headmaster"???? Where in the world does he go to school??

I think you should stick to your decision that he miss the party for misbehaving. He needs to understand there are consequences to his actions. He will probably take you serious the next time.

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If you change the rules now, he's going to expect it to happen all the time. The punishment should stand as is now. Perhaps now he will learn you mean business. Otherwise, he's going to think he can get away with acting like this all the time because "Mommy will go easy on me". Nope. He was warned, punishment stands. NO PARTY.

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I agree with the person who said that you should give him a chance to earn the party back, perhaps by doing extra chores or something. You could make a deal with him that if he does the extra chores you will give him a lesser punishment instead and let him go to the party--I have done this with my son.

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Please please please start reading up on ADHD. PLEASE.

www.additudemag.com

And you can punish an ADHD child until they're dead, it won't change their behavior. INSTEAD the simplest explanation for a very long concept is this: Earn it Back. Solutions instead of just punishment.

I'm sitting here feeling just ill, HORRIFIED & absolutely HEARTBROKEN for your son... having been to a near identical school for 2 years. Where I was paddled EVERY SINGLE DAY by the end of it. My parents finally realized it's like punishing a dyslexic for not being able to read like the other kids, or punishing a diabetic whenever their bloodsugar gets too high. That my brain actually worked differently from other kids... so treating me like every other kid just. didn't. work.... and in fact, was making everything sooooo much worse. Change of persepctive and school and *poof* I went from "problem child" to dean's list. I went from screaming arguments every day with my parents to "behaving" 90% of the time (like allowing me to listen to music while doing homework, instead of the "daily homework fight", like never ever ever cancelling physical activities like sports... and to make sure I got at least 2-4 hours of heavy exercise every day, aka sports... like allowing me to stand up at the table or to swing my legs in the chair... 100 little changes that made life switch from misery to joy).

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Non negotiable, no party.

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i say 1st if you have signed the permission slip to be spanked at school good for you, a child needs to know he has to listen and respect all those in authority not just his/her parents if not that child could eventually run wild, and 2nd i say leave the punishment in place, maybe taking something away that he has been so looking forward to will show him that when you say something you mean it, if you change the punishment its only setting a bad example and the child will start thinking well it happened once maybe if i cry and pitch a fit long enough i will get what i want and deal with what little punishment i get later, but this is what i want right now.

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You warned him, he did not listen, NO PARTY. It's that simple.

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I consider myself a fairly strict no nonsense parent. However, let's not forget that the boy is only 8. I wonder if it's the school that has the problem and maybe not your son.

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I have to agree with some of the moms that said that you should stick with the punishment. If you are truly uncomfortable with that punishment, then don't threaten it because if you don't follow through, you are headed down a long road with your son. As one of the other posters put it "a big part of discipline is follow through". I think that's the most important part! Without it, you have only empty threats. Best of luck to you. I know this will be hard, but it will be a lesson that he will learn the hard way and one you can remind him of the next time something like this comes up. It will have a big enough impact on him that the reminder alone should make him shape up to avoid a punishment like that again. Being a parent is tough!

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If you don't stand by your punishment he will never believe anything you say again.

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Stick with the punishment , if you back down you will be trying to catch up for the rest of your life.
Good he's upset. Maybe next time he will remember how he felt and he will behave next time.

I see no problem with him being spanked at school.
Being spanked is reserved for extreme cases.
And it's not by a "stranger" it's his headmaster. I'm betting it's spelled out in the code of conduct that if other forms of disapline isn't working that students will be spanked. This is clearly not a public school.

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I never prevented my son from attending a party that we had already rsvp'd for. It isn't fair to the host or the friend (and they didn't misbehave). Since you did indicate this would be the punishment so you should follow through; however, you could give him this one.

You could tell him that you know he is very upset and may regret his actions at school today. You will give him an opportunity to redeem himself IF he behaves tomorrow you will reconsider his punishment. Stress that this is a one time reconsideration based on his improved behavior.

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Whether this punishment is right or fair is now a moot question. Once you give a child a consequence you have to follow through. So yes, no birthday party. Next time, use consequences you are sure you can live with.

Spanking headmaster, huh? Did we jump in the way back machine and end up in 1860's England?

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a spanking? wow. i would not be ok with someone else spanking my child.

anywho, on the real question. I would stand with the punishment. maybe talk to him and tell him he can earn it back but ONLY if he goes to school, apologizes to his teachers (walk him in so you know he does it) and that he does extra chores around this house without lipping off.

if he does it, then he can earn his party back, if not. well, as mean as it sounds, too bad so sad. He knew the consequences.

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well, if you weren't willing to follow through- you shouldn't have threatened it. I think you have to stick to your guns- and it's a lesson learned for both of you. for him- mom is serious. For you- don't say things you might later regret. I have done this before also- and my kids have tried to call my bluff- but if I don't stick with the promised punishment then the next time they don't believe me and it is worse.
Last year I was pregnant during the Christmas season and really stressed out. I was having a hard time with everything and my kids were being terrible. They were fighting, not helping out, back talking, teasing and just plain yuck! so I threatened to take down the Christmas tree if they didn't straighten out(I was at the end of my rope)- well, they didn't straighten out and I took down the Christmas tree and all our decorations and told my kids I didn't care if we had Christmas! (yeah- my husband makes fun of me for this- but he was at work and didn't have to deal with the kids!) The tree was down for 3 days and they improved their behavior 100%. We were then able to put the tree back up and have Christmas.
This year they are doing a lot better. I don't think I will threaten to take down the tree again- I missed it and it was a pain to take it down and put it back up! but it did help! .
It really sucks having to follow through on discipline- especailly when it is something you are both looking forward to him doing- but stick to your guns and next time will be a lot easier!~
~C.

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I got stuck on "spanking from the headmaster." Did this message come forward in time?

Anyways, I know your heart probably hurts over this punishment, but it sounds like it would have the desired impact. Good luck.

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Hmm, I'd sure want to know more specifically what the nature of your son's shouting was during the timed test. If he was making frantic or anxious sounds, for example, that may have simply been out of his control. If he kept shouting comic or deliberately distracting commentary, that MIGHT be another matter.

Consequences work best when they are a direct outcome of a behavior. Your son sounds like he's being soundly punished by the school (in a way that I find alarming, personally), and then he's getting the worst punishment of his life at home on top of it.

The party is connected to the school behavior only by your edict, not because it makes sense or will be effective. He may behave wonderfully tomorrow, in which case I'd definitely let him have his day at the party. Or he may behave worse than ever, because he's frustrated, angry, and experiencing a huge sense of injustice. Or he's extra stressed, and simply can't help himself. It will be interesting to watch the fallout.

A wonderful problem-solving process is taught in the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It shows you how to get your child involved in working out solutions that he can be invested in. He can also help determine realistic consequences for falling short. I think you would like this book – I've recommended it to a number of young families, and they've had amazing turnarounds with some pretty challenging kids.

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ADHD is different than other kids. It really helps to get educated on what you can do as a parent to help and also what the teachers and school need to be doing.

If he hasn't already done so, get him an IEP.

You can start at rdiconnect.com. They have a LOT of resources and a proven methodology that is as respectful of the child as it is helpful.

no he does not go it is taking responsibility for the actions you did