Should I Have a Sibling for My Son?

hi D.,

this is such a personal decision for each of us.

let me say this, though: if you are concerned about your age being a factor, my second child was born when i was your age. and yes, i was always tired and i also worked numerous jobs. but i could not believe the tremendous wonderful change in my 4 year old son once he became a brother! the entire way that he embraced his world changed and he told me then and tells me to this day (now he is 23) that he no longer felt alone in the world. as soon as his baby sister was born, he felt connected/confirmed. his sense of security, self-esteem improved all for the good-and it wasn't like he had been suffering in those areas. he had done a good job (yes, even just at 4) of hiding how alone he felt compared to "everyone else".

the tired years of having two kids goes away eventually, if that is a big concern. (and oh my gosh yes i was always soooo tired for some years)

age span between two kids? a good friend of mine years ago decided it was too late to have baby #2 since her first born was already 8. and another friend thought the same thing with first born already 13. both went on to have baby #2 and for them, this turned out to be a blessing all the way around (for parents and for siblings). i have siblings just a year, two and three years older/younger than me, but the sibling i am closest to as an adult is 9 years younger than me.

however, my bigger concern for you and this contemplated child #2 is- there are children born to parents who do regret their birth. they may not vocalize this, but still it's tough to watch a child grow up if a parent regrets or resents in any way the "extra workload". thus, in the end, you and your spouse are the only ones who can truly determine where your hearts are.

in answer to your "population concern"-well that is universally valid. but my answer to that concern is that as we all age, we need support with the trials that life brings us. visit some health facilities or any other place that deals with people struggling with issues and watch how family support becomes important at that stage of life. someday i won't be "there" for my kids, but i know they will be there for each other. they will have family connections. in my book, that is a tremendous gift to your first born, but you need to determine if that is also a value in your own book. we each have different values, different strengths, and different coping abilities.

best to you,

S.

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"...all jobs take 2nd place to the full time privileges of wife & mother..."
If this is how you really feel then you should naturally be open to recieving children.
Live a life giving love and leave the planning to The Planner.

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Well, I don't know if you are a person who believes in God. But this is my advice:
Before, during, and throughout this process, be prayerful. Ask for help to be clear minded, ask for help to really consider all important factors, ask for help to make the best and most right choice.
1) Make a list of pros and cons
2) Based on how you feel in your mind and heart, make a decision.
3) Pray about it. You should at that point either feel you have made the right decision, because you still feel good about it after praying. Or, you will feel unsettled and confused, because the choice you have made is not the one that is part of a grand plan for you.

I hope you don't mind some spiritual advice. I still think what all the mamas have to say can be good and part of your consideration. Ultimately the decision is up to you and your husband. The future ramifications really do matter, and that's why your prayers will be answered. Good luck D.! By the way, I bet kids just love your name! : )

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Boy that was a long list if made up excuses. I do think that there should be at least 2 children so they each learn to share with others more (some parents don't teach to even share with mommy & daddy). I think the time frame as you say is better to have one now. Is your career more important than your family? If yes, then there is your answer. If no, then there is your answer. Only you can decide to be happy, but if your little guy is so happy and a joy, so will one more. It will be different only because all babies, pregnancies, etc will be different, but that is the experience that makes us grow and how we watch them helps too. It also helps our little ones to grow and learn too. I hope your husband is a helper in this children thing, so you can study. It will work out better if your heart is in it. Your choice! Kay

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I wouldn't jump the gun and say that you absolutely don't want another child or you wouldn't even bother with this question. No one here can give you a magic answer. All I can tell you is that with either decision, you can find something to regret about it...or focus on why you don't regret it. I have 3 children and I have had thoughts about having them on each end of the spectrum and everything between. That's just life and that's just being human.

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Well - this is a totally personal decision and what other people might have to say in response should be considered - but not used to make your final decision. That is completely up to you and what you truly feel you want to do. Here are my two cents:

Last night my oldest daughter had her best friend over - whom is an only child. I was cooking dinner and kind of watching my three children play around. I noticed that our baby - who is 2 1/2 was tickling my girls with a feather. They were laughing and rolling around and it was so so incredibly heartwarming to watch them. My daughters friend was sitting off to the side and didn't want any part of it. When the baby tried to tickle her she didn't want to be touched. She wanted to sit alone, eat alone, play alone...... I absolutely ADORE this little girl. She and my daughter have been best friends since they started school. But you can definitely see how being an only child "affects" her. I would much rather hear and see my kids laughing, loving, arguing :(, and sticking up for one another - than the silence of an only child.

Now, don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the decision to have only one child - and feel absolutely blessed that you were given the opportunity to be a mom. But - in my PERSONAL opinion, there is not a greater gift that you can give your child than a sibling. As much as we may have disagreed growing up.....I don't know what in the world I would ever do without my brother and sister.

Remember this when making your decision: EVERYONE wishes they would've spent more time with their kids while they were growing up.....NOBODY wishes they could've worked more. Family is the best thing you will ever be blessed with in your life.....consider not denying this from your child.

Best of luck in your decision.

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Tough call. Certainly only a decision you can make. I just thought I'd throw in my $.02 because we basically decided to have a 2nd child for pretty much the same reason as you - so that my son would have a sibling. Our kids are 4 years apart in age, and I was 34 when I delivered my 2nd child. I hated being pregnant - both times, had a horrible labor/delivery - both times. I of course love both my kids though, and don't regret my decision. They play awesome together, and I am glad they will always have each other. However, it is hard, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we only had the one. I feel like I've missed out on the last couple years of my oldest's life, because we've been so absorbed with the 'now almost 3 yr old'. Suddenly, he's turning 7 this month, and I'm wondering where the time has gone.

Admittedly, Harvey Danger's comment "only stupid people are breeding" was a part of our decision as well. But I do have concerns over the future of my children - huge national debt, pollution, global warming, etc.

Unlike your situation, I had already completed my masters by the time DS#1 was 2. Can you focus full time on finishing your degree before a 2nd one comes along? I ended up quitting my job temporarily to bang out my remaining credits in one semester (instead of dragging it on for 3 while working full time).

Either way, good luck with your decision.

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This is a tough one, there are pros and cons to each. I agree the whole baby stage is tough, I have two and they are the best buddies and how protective my son is over his little sister is amazing. I couldn't imagine either one without the other. However, if you are not wanting one right now like others have said you could end up resenting your husband for having to delay your career since you will be the one loosing sleep. The baby stage is just temporary though, very tiring but temporary. Sit back and look at what you have, do you feel that your family is complete or are you missing that one little thing? All I know is with one child to two you go from being a playmate to a referee. Do what is in your heart.

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D.,
If you do not want another baby then don't.
It is hard enough to raise one child in this day and time.
Yes, it will be hard on your little boy to be raised alone, but there are benefits also.
Talk long and hard with your husband about YOUR feelings on the matter. Because your feelings do matter.
Good Luck,

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Well i maynot be very popular but i would say that if you realy dont want another child dont concieve one. i am sure you would love it but you may also resent that child and possibly your husband latter. there are way to many children that are unwanted out there all ready, please dont have anouther, just to please your husband. your son will be just fine without a sibling.

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I have to say that your question really depressed me! Not your question but the negativity. If you really do not want another child then don't have one because a child shouldn't be brought up in a home where he'll be resented. Now that being said, did you discuss this with your husband before you were married? If you thought you'd have lots of kids and then decided oh, one's enough then I'm not sure it is fair to him. Not everything in life needs to be planned out perfectly, just go with the flow. I don't know what you mean by the population comment.... every country is steadily declining in population replacement... the only reason it is so high in the U.S. is because ppl live longer and immigration. I guess my advice is to think about it more with your heart and less with your brain and if the answer is still "no, don't want another" then you have your answer. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "wow, I wish we would have had one less." Good luck with your decision! :]

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That's a hard decision between wanting a sibling for your son and actually wanting to have another child and do the baby thing. I think it is really important that YOU WANT to do it, since babies are so hard. Do you want to do it enough for your son that you will be okay with having a baby? They are so cute, I'm sure you will fall in love with him/her. But a pregnancy and newborn that you are not so thrilled about also leads to a bit of post pardum. You have to really know that you will take on everything that comes in the package. I for sure think that 2 is better than one, but I think you also need to be up for it. It's a lot of work.

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I have read articles on the benefits of only children and siblings. I am pregnant with my second child (due in less than a month), my first is 3 1/2. I am excited to see them interact as baby #2 grows.

As far as you and your husband having a second, is a very personal choice. How involved is he know and how much will he be involved with a second baby in order for you to reach your other goals? How supportive is he of your goals and energy level?

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One of the things your are reluctant about is mothering? You are not the only one who is second guessing their own mothering skills. We all question if our children are getting the very best care and advice and knowledge. How many are you a part of and how does that influence your life as an adult? Some times we think that having another baby will help the relationship between parents and it has nothing to do with the sibling part of it. And remember that it is ok to do all of the other things for yourself!! You do deserve it but in all that god gives you only what he knows that you can handle and nothing more . Yes it might be a struggle and a learning process but what in life isn't something that we learn from. Life is full of trials and tribulations and we all get through it. I am a mom of 4 two girls 14 & 10 and two boys 7 & 3. I am the youngest of three in which my older brother were 7 & 9 years older then me and i was literally like an only child. So here is my suggestion : if you have just an inkling of having a baby then just start trying. All the answers will come to you as needed. Even the most planned out life or function will come with many many unplanned events. If your dead against it that too is your choice. It also helps to pray about things like this to help guide you . No special prayer just ask for guidance in this situation. And meditate for you to have time to listen to the answers. I hope for you and your family all the best of luck . Take care and god bless!!

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In the end, this is a question only you can answer. I feel very strongly, though, that every child needs and deserves a sibling. We tried for over two years to conceive my second child. My daughter was four and a half by the time he was born, and I cannot even tell you how she has grown, how her world has absolutely expanded and opened up, and all of the joy her little brother brings her. I think nothing makes me happier as a mom than to see them enjoying one another. Her life is so much richer now that she is a sister. Good luck!

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pray about it. if you feel good, great. if you feel like you shouldn't, ok. having a baby isn't a joy ride, but the child is the greatest gift we can ever recieve

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Dear D. - it is a personal decision but make the decision first to be a parent to another child before making the decision to have a sibling for your son. Your message seems very negative but I am sure that there is a factor of fear in there too.
My situation is not so different, I am 41 years old, my husband is a grad student finishing his masters in the next year and we have one child but we are contemplating another - mind you it is a decision for both my husband and I and while my daughter will get to enjoy the sibling role if we make this decision, we are not chosing it because of that reason alone.
You have many things to offer another child and please don't dwell on the negative as it sounds like you enjoyed being pregnant the first time and truly relish being a great mom now. Really weigh the fear with the joy and give yourself some time to contemplate the choice. Make the decision because you want to - not because you feel you have to agree. Best of luck! :)

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My children are 3yrs and 9mos and I can definately tell you that it is amazing to watch the 2 of them play together. I was dead set on only having 2 so I got my tubes tied during my c-section. Seeing the 2 of them together makes me want a 3rd but I don't have that option so my point is this - don't wait until you get to the point of no return if you think part of you wants a 2nd. If you know for sure you don't, you should not do it to make anyone else happy.

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I was an only child and loved it. No I was not spoiled as many people think only children are. I never wished for siblings and as an adult I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by not having a sibling. My stepdaughter was 8 when my son was born, but even if I hadn't had her I would not have opted for another child. You have to consider what all you have to deal with and adding a child when you are not ready will not make things easier. It is important to honor that part of yourself that establishes boundaries and knows your limits. We have to be able to take care of ourselves in order to take care of our family. Some women are meant to have multiple babies and are equipped to handle it and some of us aren't. It doesn't mean that we love the kid(s) we have any less. I know there are many women out there that cannot relate at all to what I am saying, but there are many who do. As far as your husband goes, when he married you it was for you not for the kids you may or may not have together and he should understand and respect your limits. Good luck with whatever you decide and just walk in your truth and do what you feel to be right.

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First, your age is really not a factor if you are healthy.
I had my FIRST at 35 almost 36 and my second at 39 almost 40.

I didn't initially want another child after I had my daughter, her personality emerged though to be one of not being only child material. I saw in her wanting to be a sister and I could see that with our lives (my parents have passed, I have only one brother, no close family) so I decided (well we decided together at the time) to try for another child. I got a beautiful son out of it. My daughter and my son are amazing together, they fight but they will have the life long bond of having each other in their lives.
Now I am divorced I cannot imagine how lonely my daughter would have felt without her little brother here.
It has to be something you really want though, not just your husband.
Some kids are just fine being only children.
You have a lot of reservations, most valid on why you don't want another one, so I would say you are not ready. As far as energy, you find it, as far as lack of sleep, that is such a short lived stage and worth every second.
I am 44 with a four and seven year old and I miss the newborn stage so much! It all goes by so quickly.
Do it for the right reasons, do it because you truly want to add to your family and your life.
You will be a great mother with your second as much as you are with your first, it is unbelievable the love you can handle and how each child's personality is so unique and how amazing it truly is.
It just has to be something you really think is the right thing to do for you and your family.

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I think you should, but you have to do it because you want to.
I had my third at 37yrs and have not regretted it at all. I think you are at a good age and you will still have plenty of time to finish school while the children are young, or even if you wanted to wait until they are older. Remember to take time for you to keep your energy up, nap when you can and know that your oldest will be so happy and helpful, I'm sure. Children are the greatest gift and truly are a blessing, so don't wait any longer and remain positive and think of all the love and blessings you will be bringing into your home. It's so awesome to have the siblings touch your belly before the baby's born, then to actually touch and hold a whole new person is just wonderful. Trust me, there will be lots of love to go around! Take care and all the best w/your decision.

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My brother has an only child. She is very, very smart, artistic, and talented. Some people are happy with one (almost perfect) child. But some lack social skills that come with the bickering, the teasing and other things that happen with a brother or sister. I feel she is missing out on a lot. And also her parents. They have put a lot of energy and love in their daughter. My feelings are that I hope that my neice will always be with us. I shudder to think that they could lose their only child. I think of that when I look at my sons and thank God that I had them. This sounds morbid but something to think about. Follow your heart and pray for the guidance to do what is right for you in this lifetime.

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This is a very personal choice for you and your husband. I personally feel that a child should have a sibling. I was 33 and 35 when I had my boys and although age is a big part, your doctor can help ease any worries. My boys play so well together that I can get a lot done because I don't always have to be the playmate. Also, think about many years from now when you and your husband are gone...your child may have a spouse, but no one else. I think a sibling can make a huge difference in a child's life. Good luck with making your decision.

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No one can really answer this for you, but I can tell you this:

I cannot imagine how boring my life would be without my siblings. They are some of my best friends.

One of my very good friends is an only and said she'd never have an only because she now realizes how much she missed out on by not having siblings (she has two girls herself now).

I have two children (born in my early 30's) and even though they exhaust me, I cannot imagine not having two kids. I love how they play together and care about each other, even at such a young age (they are now 5 and 3).

It's SO MUCH easier the second time. You hardly notice the lack of sleep. Seriously. It's just all around easier. And as much as you don't think you can mother another child, you can. Your love just multiplies. You say your son is the joy of your life, well, imagine that times two.

Somehow, life always works out for the best and if you're meant to have another child, you'll know it. You should never have regrets in your life.

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I was 4 mos shy of 34 when I had my first and 37 with my second. My husband didn't want kids he told me much later, (he has three with 2 wives)I was not for raising one child alone. I had friends who were only children and they were miserable and very lonely.But their parents weren't able to have any more. But they always wished they had someone else especially when the parents got older, they had some one to share a lot of past with and burden of sick parents. My sister only had one child due to something that happened when younger, she said if there were any way to have one more she would have, that way her daughter would have had someone to grow up with and spend time with. When her daughter was about 7 or 8 a neighbor girl about 11 or 12 adopted her and the family. My sister wasn't sure about the situation but found out the girl had a wacky mom and needed her and her family, so they kind of ended up raising the girl even tho she still lived with her mom. Now both girls are grown and are very close. My sister said she was glad they were able to have another one even the way it turned out. My broinlaw has some serious health issues and with her problems they really wanted at least one more. She considers my sister and hubby her parents.Her home life was pretty bad from what my sis knows.
My sil wants at least one(my d is in no hurry to have babies)My d plans on at least two because she said one would be hard to raise and lonely with no one to play with and blame stuff on LOL.
But it is your choice in the end. But remember if the decision is to not have one more your son will be alone when you are gone or you and your hubby have health issues when older.
Good luck in your decision it is a hard one to make.

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I have 3 sisters and we did everything together, still do. And I think it helps people to be able to interact and deal with others when they come from big families. When you are an only child you don't really have to share much, and you don't have to sacrifice things when compared to having siblings.

But...

If YOU don't want to have another child then don't. You have to raise children forever so make sure you want them before you have them. And just make sure your child is able to be around other children ALOT, maybe pre-school. That will help with his social skills.

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I don't think it will be the end of the world if your son does not have a sibling... but I think it would be a huge blessing for him to have one. I know I am not you or in your shoes... but in all honesty you sound a little on the selfish side in you post. I am not saying you are, just that it came across that way to me. You are the one that has to deal with a pregnancy and another child, but I think the benefits for everyone far out weigh the down sides.

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D., I am a student also, 47 years old! :)
I have 3 children, now 25,23,17.
My sons (25 and 23) are the best friends ever, they grew together and I never saw any fight or even argument, the elder was raising the smaller one when the difference was substantial (until they were 3 and 5), telling him: "Ivan grow faster, and grow a good boy, as I need a friend so very bad"! And now, they have each other.
My studies: I dropped out of college when they were little, because my priority was to raise healthy happy people.
Now, my daughter was born later, and she did not have a sibling about her age, only 2 elder brothers who love her to death, but did not know how to play with dolls :), and they were interested in big books, and other stuff for elder boys... so I made sure there were many little cute friends~girls in our house from the neighborhood, so that she could have a play-company so to say, of the girlish-style also. She still grew into a tom-girl :), but I saw the difference, what it is to have a close friend sibling of the same age, and how it feels when there is none. Myself, my brother is 3 years older, and we are also the best friends, we played and shared so much, forever. My mom died of cancer, and dad is 72, and one day we will not have him either, but we always have each other sister-brother is forever!

Now, I slowly continued with my studies, and I am an ESL teacher, and now I major in English Literature teaching, and I am SO SO happy: all my kids are big and happy and very healthy, and I can do "my stuff" without worries that I left something unaccomplished with kids, makiing steps with full dedication in college, with the GPA of 3.89...
We are also all students now, which is funny and guess what, Mama (me) graduates first!!! :) I get my American Bachelor's degree next May!
I have friends college students, who are past 60! Always learning! Some do Master's slowly, some do fast, but there is also a family, which is so important and so much fun also. We women have double task, this is true, and it is not easy at all, but it IS possible, to achieve in both fields, if we define priorities, plunge into the task like dive into the ocean, and get to the desired shore, D.!

Decision is yours of course, I just shared how my situation developed. I miss the time when my carpet was full of legos and laughter resounded in every corner :), but I am so happy to have three great friends (my kids) now, when we can all speak of the 'adult' stuff also! And I know, they are freinds to each other forever!

Let your life be always happy, and let you always have a cause to smile wide!!!

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As everyone else said, it is a personal decision that only you can make. You might ask yourself if you would regret it more if you did have another, or if you didn't.

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We have decided to be an only child family, with just my daughter. My husband only wanted one child and although I always thought I wanted 3 kids, I've always been perfectly happy with our daughter and never really felt a burning desire to have another. There were lots of reasons for only wanting 1 child - my age, finances, doing the whole baby-thing again, family dynamics, etc. But I DID question whether we were doing the right thing by not giving her a sibling. The thing that has made the whole decision easier for me was the knowledge that just because your child has a sibling, doesn't mean he's going to like that sibling or be the best of friends with that sibling. I know far more people who don't like their siblings or are fairly indifferent to them than those that swear that their siblings are their best friends. Having another baby doesn't guarantee that your son will have that wonderful sibling bond when he's an adult. We all grow into different people with different interests and beliefs and as parents we can't MAKE a strong relationship between our children. We can encourage it, but ultimately it's up to them. With that said, it IS difficult because people don't seem to understand that it's OK to only have 1 child. We're still asked constantly about providing our daughter with a playmate. I just tell them that we're perfectly satisfied with the wonderful child that we have and feel that she's blessing enough! Good luck with your decision - don't let others bully you into something you don't really want!

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I have a 5 year old son and went this exact same scenario about a year and a half ago. We decided not to have another child. Our son is a social butterfly and is involved in lots of activities with other children. My list was almost the same as yours. Single children are showing up every where these days and it sounds like you have more reasons not to have another child then you do to have one. Give it one more year and really be sure. Having a baby is no small task when you are trying to accomplish other things in your life, not to mention how expensive everything is these days. Good luck.

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I personally think ONE child is the ABSOLUTE HARDEST number EVER!!!

For so many reasons I think having a single child is a disservice. BUT I don't think having an unwanted child is a good way to go either. How will you give that child what s/he deserves if your resent him/her, don't want him/her. That is NOT a nice or responsible thing to do to a child.

You want to be a career woman rather than a mother...that's who you want to be. So...be that.

Sit with yourself ALONE--You know, I have a friend who made reservations and Marriot just for herself to have a night alone (actually it was a whole weekend) with none of her children or hubby near by--think about your life, your priorities, what's important to you, what brings you joy, what makes you feel like you have purpose. Feel who you are.

Base your choice on those things...not based soley on what your hubby wants. The fact of the matter is that when your hubby pictures another baby he's seeing a complete portrait of family and you in your role as mother. If you cannot feel peace in your choice to have another child, this will only breed resentment, disappointment, frustration, disrespect, and an overall sense of failure and disillusionment. This is not what you're looking for in pleasing your man.

I think you'll find another child to be a blessing and wonder how you lived a moment without him/her; however, I believe this will happen ONLY IF you come to it from an inner desire, rather than a place of submitting to the will of someone else.

***************************************************

One of my step-sons is an "only" and EVERYONE can tell. He can NOT share ANYTHING. He needs to have 100 percent of everything, get angry when others get what he wants, cannot understand why other people can have something when he can't but doesn't want others to have something he has, he values gifts more than interaction because his Mama raises him that way--things rather than her time and interactions. Soo, if you choose to stick with one, get him involved with others and charities to have compassion and learn to work with others and understand status.

My son's best friend is an only child, one of the best kids on the planet. His Mom is constantly asking to "borrow" my son for trips, camping, when she wants to go out so that her son isn't alone and is occupied. So, she borrows siblings for him.

I was raised as an only child; being the only one my mother gave live birth to, but my father's sixth child. I remember always wanting to be with my sibling. I remember always being left alone when my mom had to work or went out. I remember "making" friends my sisters and brothers. Now as I'm older, having just recently witness my mother with her siblings deal with the passing of their mother, I realized I have ALL that work, suffering, planning, paying, and healing to do BY MYSELF. There is NO ONE to share the memories with, no one to share the burden with.

My mom, just like my stepson's mom, places a lot of responsibility on me to help her, make her happy and proud, to be her bestfriend, etc...because she no longer has a husband nor does she have any other children to find belonging with--she's quite lonely and it all rests upon me and my family to make up the difference. I love her, but it is a burden at times, we have to skirt our plans for holidays and birthdays and school functions around her so she can be involved...because I do love her and don't desire for her to be lonely.

So, with all of that, with what's be said previously, and MOST importantly HOW YOU FEEL, make your decision and stand firm, go 100 percent with your choice.

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My partner and I have a means of solving disagreements in child care as well as family decisions. For instance if one of us wanted to go on a trip and the other one did not, then we would take no action and not go. If one of us wanted to punish our child in a cetain manner and the other didn't...the child would not be punished that way. Also, in you situation where one parent wants a child and the other one is unsure. We would take no action and not have another child until if/when the other wanted one. I think it is especially important for all children to be wanted. They are lots of work and deserve to come into a home where they are a wanted addition. You need to decide for yourself if you want another child, but if the answer is no....please don't have another child. This could have not only a negative effect on the new child, but yourself (regrets, and bad attitude) as well as your husband who would have any unhappy wife. You current child would probably have a mother who is less patient than she should be and not give fully of herself to the children. You want to be the best mama/wife you possibly can be to the family you now have. If it works for all of you, make any addition, if not hold off.

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If you truly viewed being "mommy" as the most important role you could ever play, than you wouln't have any reason not to have another baby. Putting your career on hold is not an acceptable excuse...because that is all it really is. 35 is not that old for having a second baby either. So what it really boils down to is what you want...which is obviously to not have another child, you don't sound like you want to commit to it, and a child deserves 100% devotion from it's parents. If you feel like you can't offer that, then in no way should you have a baby. It just wouldn't be fair. ON the other hand, if you are willing to be commited to loving a second child, then don't let any excuses...that's all they really are....get in the way.