Should I Have a Second Child?

Just a few thoughts leap to mind as I read your request:

Yes, your stress will increase.

Yes, your daughter will get a little less of you, and will probably have to learn to share and help at an earlier age than a single child. She may experience this as a curse, but as with almost all changes in life, they also bring blessings.

Yes, based on (almost) every multiple-child family I've ever known, your heart has no limits on how much love it can produce.

Yes, your family will lose a little independence while a new baby grows through its first couple of years.

A sibling is NOT good for all children. This can be true continuously from infancy through old age, or only during certain periods of life. There are so many factors involved, that it's impossible to predict. I've known at least as many people (and I'm one of them) who would gladly do without the siblings they've been saddled with.

Alternatively, many only children are extremely happy being onlies. This assumes, of course, that they are getting the attention they need from adults, and opportunities to play and socialize with other kids of various ages. My daughter was a very happy only, and so is my grandson.

The last thought I'd like to throw in, a concern that helped me decide to stay with one child, is that more babies are being born than at any time in human history, and population pressures are seriously straining the earth's capacity to provide for all of us. We're producing pollution and garbage at an astounding rate. There are shocking food and water shortages that are being accelerated by economic pressures and climate change. Unspoiled nature is being overrun by humans, who are crowding out forests and other species. We're consuming natural resources at unsustainable rates. I've known about these problems since I came of age in the 60's, and they are all much more acute today. So I stopped with one child, for the good of all children.

3 moms found this helpful

The answer is not right or wrong for anyone. You have to figure out what is right for you.

We have an only child, 16 yr od girl, and we have NO regrets whatsoever. We both felt like our family was complete with our daughter and we never looked back, never had an urge to have another.

I get a lot of flack about that but, my daughter is riasied in a very stable, secure emotionally as well as financially secure home. She will not be burdened with us as we age because we did not have her to secure our retirement and old age plans. We did that long ago. She will not come out of college in debt either, because we feel it is our parental obligation to provide that for her and get her off the the best possible start in life.

Is she a spoiled brat? No. she is well cared for and she sees from experiences at school, etc that she has it pretty darn good here and she shows appreciation. That appreciation has been shown MUCH more the last 2 yrs since she started high school and since she is already visiting colleges knowing she can go where ever she wants to go and will be able to follow her dreams to achieve what she wants. She is very strong willed (A GOOD THING) and a very successful student, athlete and person.

It is a parenting thing and how you do it so that your child is raised well. No child is perfect as no parent is perfect.

My daughter loves being an only.. we have strong communication in our house and have from day one. My house is often full of teens who are anxious to get out of their homes for a break from siblings, etc.

Follow your heart and do what is right for your family and don't fall into the pressure people put on you to avoid the only syndrome. Our only is a blessing.

3 moms found this helpful

The heart is not finite.
Love for your child is not finite.
It simply grows.

Yes, having another child, will be busier.
But it is also so great.
My kids are 4 years apart, and they are 2 peas in a pod.
My eldest LOVES having her little brother. They adore each other and are best friends.
It is nice.

But the main thing, is you.
And deciding if another child is something you can manage or want.

Having another child does NOT hold back, the eldest child.
They grow and learn from it too.

I had both my kids, when I was over 37 years old.
It was fine and I got pregnant naturally and my pregnancies were normal.

I wondered those things too, before I had my 2nd child.
But you just have trust and faith in it as a Mom, and you know, you can manage and you will love both children.
As I said, love for your children is NOT finite.
It evolves and grows. In ways you cannot imagine now.
It is profound.

But if you just want 1 child, then that is fine too.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't know whether you should have another child or not, but I do want to say this -- you love your daughter for all the things that she is, and you will love any other children you might have for all the things that they are. Yes, you have enough love in your heart, because that love is infinite.

2 moms found this helpful

I have one daughter, who is now 9. I only ever wanted one child, and have no regrets about having just one. She has two half-siblings who are 29 and 26 that I helped raise from babyhood. That was one more experience that convinced me to have just one. Two children are three times the work as one, in my opinion. My daughter has friends, and a lot of our attention. A lot of things she and I have done, we wouldn't have if there were two or more of her. She and I have a very wonderful and close relationship.

2 moms found this helpful

A friend of mine said if her daughter had been first, there never would have been a second.
Her first born (a boy) was SO easy going, she thought number 2 would be too.
Nope! Her girl is a very fussy child.
There's no predicting what you will get.
I wish my Mom had stopped with me.
My sister and I never got along and my Mom worries about her till this day (my sister won't stay on her hyperthyroid meds and is driving everyone crazy).
There's a chance 2 might get along, but if they don't - the bickering doesn't stop till they grow up and move away from home.
We are very happy with our son and we're complete with one child in our family.

1 mom found this helpful

You talk about you, what about your partner? What do they say about it? It's not just your decision. Unless, they said they are fine with it...and you can decide. In that case, you sound very capable. It's really a decision that needs to be made with your partner, in any other case.

I have three girls; the first two are 20 months apart and the youngest is 2.5 years behind the middle one. I was SO worried that I wouldn't love my second one as much as my first...I mean, I loved her SO SO much!! But you know what? Love doesn't divide, it multiplies.

And yes, the logistics of having two (or three) is different and a little more challenging than one, but in giving your daughter a playmate you're saving yourself from having to occupy an 8 or 9 year old all the time (I have friends with only children and THEY are their children's playmates....which sounds fun, but imagine doing that every day and all summer; my older two play together amazingly well). And having a younger sibling won't hold your daughter back, if anything it will make the baby do things faster and sooner in trying to 'keep up' with his/her big sister!

You have to look at the big picture. Do you want another child? Can you afford to have another child? How does your husband feel? In 10 or 20 years do you think you'll regret not having more children? Or does your life feel whole and complete with your family of 3?

I would just like to add that if you are not sure, I would still recommend you go get a fertility work up to make sure everything is in working order. I don't know how old you are, but I battled with secondary infertility at age 37. Was told my eggs were gone and my only option to try and conceive baby #2 would be to get donor eggs and have IVF. I was devastated and wished I had frozen some of my eggs or something after I had my first child at 35.
I do have a happy ending: after deciding to be happy with the one son we have, 8 years later at age 43, I have had baby number 2 (another boy) this past January naturally without any intervention. He is our little miracle and perfect in every way. I mourned the loss of our little family of three, but I have embraced with open arms and heart our new little (surprise) bundle. It is way different this time around, but I am loving every minute of it!

Our girls are 2.5 years apart and love each other soooo much. It's soooo wonderful for them to have a sibling for a companion. Yes, the 1st 2 years were difficult on us, but so, so, so worth it!!!! Baby # 2 was a horrible baby too, but she is soooo awesome now that she is 3 ;) Best un-planned thing that ever happened to us!

I always wanted to have 3 kids, and I do. I did worry about the same things with my first, as well as the public places with all of them... I couldn't wait until they could talk and yell. I'm not a big time worry type of person, I'm pretty laid back and relax for the most part, now don't get me wrong I have my days and times when I do...
I remember with my second if I could ever love him (while I was pregnant) as much as my first... and when he was born, that fear disappeared, I love all my children equally, some of them I get along with easier than others, but I love each one of them the same... It's hard to explain, but I would give my life for all of them... Now, during teen years, my daughter and I have had a rough patch, it's getting better and I've never stop loving her, but it was hard to get along with her...
There is almost 10years difference between my 2nd and 3rd. There is jealousy between them at times... it's hard for the 4 year to realize I love his brother and sister as much as him, he wants me to himself, including kicking daddy out the picture...

It's hard giving them all enough one on one time, to me, I was ready for 3 kids and happy to have all three of them!

I also worried alot over my firstborn but with the second I gave up the worry and the anxiety. Can't tell you why. Also my daughters are really close to each other. In adult life it's wonderful that they have each other.

My second daughter was an accident, I was on the pill never missed a pill but was on antibiotics and got pregant. Everything you just wrote was all I kept thinking only I didn't have a choice. I think if I had a choice I might not have had her however I will tell you this my youngest will be five on Monday and she is the second best thing that ever happened to us. She and her sister who is 7 are the best playmates. They argue and fight just like all siblings but listening to them play in the tub together, or when they are pretending to be teenagers with their dolls is priceless. They love each other and I love them for their different personalities but love them the same. I can't imagine my life, our life without my youngest. My youngest is a handful and she really gives me the most problems but I can honestly tell you that it's all worth it. Last Friday was my youngest stepping up ceremony and we all went my oldest said to me "mom I am so proud of Leah, she is a big girl now" that melted my heart. I love that when they are moms they will have each other to lean on, and when my time on this earth is no longer they will still have each other. I am grateful that my choice was taken away however you have to do what is right for you. I am merely pointing at one example of what could be. If your a good mom, believe me you will find it in your heart to be the best mom for two if that is what you really want. Good luck.

Oh ya will all three of my kids and well I cannot imagine life without three. I have a 6y old 4 yr old and 1 yr old and they have all been the bes additions to the family. We are done now for SURE and I am stoked to raise these three for the next 12-17 years!

I have two girls, two years apart. I didn't have the worries you're having now, but I can definitely admit that when my second was born I did have some resentment!! So sad to say. I hated that the baby took my time away from my wonderful 2 year old. Fast forward a little bit - that feeling faded COMPLETELY. My girls are now 9 and 7, and while they do fight they are most certainly each other's best friend. I LOVE LOVE LOVE watching them grow up together. So, it might be a little tough for you at first, but then it becomes a wonderful thing. And there are many times these days when my younger one is my favorite - ssshhhhhhh :)