Should I Go to Thanksgiving, MIL Drama!?

I wouldn't go without him. Not if you two don't get along or there aren't other family there that can be a buffer. It would be complete fun if lots of family came and the kids could all run amok and have a blast. But if it's just a few people there isn't any way I'd go without hubby.

Glad you guys are doing what you want.

I would simple walk up to her and say, " I have been thinking about this too much...But, I feel that you are extremely rude to me. I have always been cordial to you. From here on in, I expect you to be sweet to me because I am done being in the line of fire"

I'm going to disagree with one thing you've said here before I go any further. It is NOT important for your MIL and your children to have a relationship. There. I said it. And I mean it. She is poison and will hurt your children over and over. STOP looking at it like this.

Once you're able to stop letting a "relationship" with your children be your stumbling block, DON'T read her texts or her emails anymore. Give your phone to your husband and tell HIM to read them. And you should absolutely NOT have Thanksgiving with her. You give her permission to treat you and your family this way EVERY TIME you engage with her after this kind of behavior. She has to learn that if she wants to spend any time with you all, she has to behave. You DO NOT have to be subjected to being called names. You DO NOT have to be held hostage to her demands. Your children DO NOT have to be mandatory playmates for her boyfriend's grandchild. He can bring his grandchild anyway. The whole idea that she would have to tell him to change his plans is ridiculous.

You know she is a difficult woman. You tried to smooth things over about the wedding. But now you know that nothing matters with her because it's all about HER. You don't have to keep apologizing because HER behavior is bad. You do need to stop engaging with her. You don't have to be graceful. Stop enabling her. EVERYTIME you open your mouth, text, email, ANYTHING, you are enabling her. If she wants to have a tantrum, she can have it ALONE.

You hold the key to this, Ashly. Finally, let it be about YOU and walk away.

You can't change her. You can only change your reactions to her.

You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to.

Get over the wedding thing - it's done, it's old, black is very common in weddings, and neither you nor your mother should have given one damn about what MIL wore. It was a power play then, it's a power play now.

Stop making any arrangements with her at all - let your husband, her son, do everything. Not one damn thing gets done by you. Stop with the long explanations & excuses. Your daughter was sick, end of story.

Don't make arrangements by text. It doesn't work with her.

If your husband is working on Thanksgiving (which is terrible - I'm so sorry his company makes him do that - unless he is essential services somewhere like public safety or hospital) - then stay home if he's not available to run interference with her. Let him handle everything - every text, every email, every phone call. Find something good to do on the holiday - invite a neighbor who is alone, ask the minister/priest/rabbi if there's a new family or lonely senior needing some connection, or volunteer in a soup kitchen/veterans shelter. Give it a rest with MIL and let her miss you. If she doesn't, you have you answer.

ETA: I just read your edits about the wedding attire. So I'm changing my response on that and I agree with you that she was doing anything she could to upset you and make it about her. And I think Doris Day's response is fabulous - no way you should put up with insults and name calling. And she's right that your children really DON'T have to have a relationship with her. It might even be healthier for them if they don't. But if they do see her, I would absolutely pack them up and hustle them out the door at the first insult either to you or to your child on the spectrum (or anyone else, for that matter). "We need to leave now. Goodbye." No discussion, into the car and home.

Stop taking the bait.

Just realize that whatever you say, she will do the opposite.

If you say to be somewhere at 2, she will come at 1 or 3.
If you say don't buy this toy for Tommy, that is what she will get him.

Then you react and she gets what she wants.

She has a difficult personality, and she will repeat this game over and over and over as long as you play (react).

So, yes, let your husband deal with her.

And if, if , if, you have to deal with her (always make husband) have a non-chalant, boring reaction or response no matter what it is then she will get bored with you very quickly.

After your SWH, Don't make an excuse. You do not have to make your MIL understand. If you don't want to go, don't. Both the diarrhea and the too far for little one sounds contrived. I can think of arguments you MIL could make. I also suggest she feels hurt because she thinks you should still come. The excuse and the not going is a double whammy to her ego.

Over the years I've learned that being honest with myself. You don't want to go. I suggest your husband tells his mother that you're not going. She doesn't need to know why. Be direct and clear in conversations. When we try to be nice the conversation becomes chaotic. Say what you want. Don't expect other people to know what you want.
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Others can only "make" us mad only when we let them. A part of the reason for your MIL'S drama is you defending yourself. Teach yourself to either listen without making a comment or to not listen or talk to her.

I suggest your MIL has the right idea. Don't engage with people who negatively affect our life. Don't go. Have your husband tell her you've made other plans. She asked your husband. Let him give her the answer. I also suggest that communication should be done by her son. It's reasonable for you to back off from this relationship and for him to do the talking.

I suggest you consider why she gets to you. She is pushing your buttons. Why do you feel that you have to defend yourself. I wonder, just as with her dress at your wedding, you believe your relationship with her should be different than your relationship is now. Know it takes two people to form a relationship. I suggest she's not doing her share in your relationship or her relationship with your children. So......stop trying to change her. She won't change.

Yes, it's good for grandchildren to have a healthy relationship with their grandparents. Sometimes it's better to not have a close relationship. I also suggest that it's the grandparents responsibility to make the connection. Allow the children to see the grandparents. The only role you have is to make the children available at appropriate times.

I suggest that if you do have to talk with her, don't respond to her anger. Above all don't defend yourself with her. When we become defensive we're allowing the other person take away our power. I suggest that when you lose as you do with your MIL, you will be angry. If you can accept that you're a good person doing the best you can, you will take back your power. It's not your responsibility to make her happy. She's a mother figure but not your mother. You're an adult capable of making decisions even when your MIL disagrees.

Some examples of mature ways to handle two of your situations. Dresses for the wedding. Be firm and direct by saying please don't wear a black dress. Repeat as necessary. No excuses. It's enough that you want this. Just say please don't wear a black dress. Be firm in saying "I prefer (the one you liked). Please wear that one." From what you wrote I think that you gave hints. She didn't pick up on them.

For the party say something like, I'm sorry. I must've misunderstood. We won't be able to come over today." Said in a confident way. Saying I'm sorry is a socially nice thing to say. And when we give a reason we're setting ourself for the other person to try to change our mind or say nasty things. KNOW you have the right to ask for what you want. You make your decisions based on your's and your family's needs. You're not responsible for making the little girl happy. You don't need to apologize past the socially expected sorry. Especially with people like your MIL.

I urge you to read about co-dependancy. It's a condition in which our happiness depends on other people. This will help you understand that you don't have to have your MIL's approval to be happy. Making ourselves happy is our responsibility.

Let go of your hurts. You're keeping your pain alive by going over and over it. Let go of your pain and of your need to have others' approval.

I suggest that to not be a door mat one has to have confidence in themselves and their decisions. The only person who needs to know they aren't a doormat is you. By texting her you were still playing her game. To say we can't come over today is where your strength lies. Say i'm not able to come over should be the end of conversation on that topic.

Your son is on the spectrum. It's too bad your MIL doesn't understand. Any amount of talking will not change her mind. So....stop the conversation. You're in charge of what happens in your house. Often, when I want more information or when I offer unsolicited advice, my daughter says " drop it Mom. We're taking care of it. Sometimes she's more blunt and says in a mostly neutral voice, "It's none of your business." Took both of us a year or more to find a way to talk with each so that both of us weren't feeling hurt.

BTW I worked graveyard for several years. Even when I worked the night before, I made all holiday events with my family. Graveyard is just an excuse. He doesn't want to go either. A phone call saying we're not coming over this year is direct. Making excuses let's us off the hook when we believe we have to make other people happy. We become unaware of what we want or need.

Sorry Mom, we won't be coming over this year. Our parents should not be involved in our lives to the extent they have to have details.

For what it is worth...there is no way I would go without my husband under these circumstances. As far as handling the fallout...let your husband deal with it.

Why is this all about you and your mother in law? Your family choices are what you and your HUSBAND decide together, where the Hell is he in all of this?

Do your own holidays at your own home starting this year.
It's time to make your own traditions.
Make it your policy that your holidays are drama free zones - and don't bother with ruining that by inviting drama filled people/relatives.
When she said "I'm done" - you think to yourself "Good! Me too!" and NO MORE contact with her.
Your Hubby can visit her from now on on his own.
And if he doesn't want to - then you are ALL done with her.
Don't give her another moments thought.
I would NOT be worried about your kids having a relationship with her.
They don't need that sort of poison in their lives.

Personally I'd probably leave it to my hubby to deal with his mom. He can call her to let her know that he's working and you'll be staying home with the children. If she starts up with you be polite and let her know that you are sorry but you've decided to stay home this year. Don't respond to her texts. Don't try to text things to soften things and make her feel better. You need to stop letting her have control of your feelings. You have enough to do with your own family and she's wasting you time by making you think about how everything will impact her. She probably doesn't like you very much and that's ok. She's your mil not your friend. Here's the kicker: When you become a mil you will be just like me. I think 'what would my mil have done?' and then I choose not to be a jerk.

Wow sounds a lot like my MIL they could be related.
My MIL overstep boundaries like your MIL. Early on I thought I had to say ok because she was my MIL but when she almost ruined our wedding my husband and I had couple counselling. The counsellor asked me why I was involved with my MIL where was my husband in all this. Well he couldn't stand up to her. He was thankful to have me to dump his mother on me. she was off his back so he wasn't quick to get involved again, and I felt left to deal with her. She wanted a daughter type figure yet wasn't even kind to me. Therapist told us he had to deal with her going forward. It saved our marriage. I have stood up to her since and she now respects me because I say no. I don't get involved I just am matter of fact and if she gets funny I refer her to my husband.
The thing is if you put it on him he will quickly realize that he's not interested. As Marda says it will become apparent. You can back away and it will become obvious that he doesn't want to put the energy in either. That's their relationship. Leave it to them.
As for holidays I don't go over on the day because it's just too negative recently but my husband does wtih kids for quick visit. They are welcome here without drama but not on the day.
Good luck

I think you really need to shorten your end of communications with her. When she texted you about her party, a simple, "Oh, I wasn't aware you had finalized the time/date/plans for the weekend. Too bad DD is sick. We sure hate missing the party." And then done. Nor explaining or blaming or responding negatively. It doesn't help the situation. Stop defending yourself. It only makes her want to defend herself (or blame you) more. If she texts you again, keep it simple, "I'm sorry for the miscommunication, but we simply cannot make it." Who cares what "You're welcome" means. Let it go. You have to stop engaging.

But, seriously, you're not going to go because your daughter has diarrhea? Never let that stop me or my kids from living our lives. I assume she has a toilet at her house? She probably thought that was a lame excuse.

What does your wedding have to do with anything? Neither my own mother nor my MIL consulted my on their dresses for the wedding. I saw their dresses when the came to the bridal room before the wedding. I can't relate to being upset because she wore a black dress.

You gotta let it go. Most of your complaints make her look sad and a little loony. But letting it get to you the way it has is just so not worth your tme and energy. It's simply not worth it. Let it go.

So I am going to change my answer because I didn't see where you said hubby has to work, at first. I can sympathize. If he is supportive, then ok, I can see not going. However, I stick by what I originally said, which is that you have to let this feud go. Not that she's all of a sudden going to go away if you "rise above" as my mom always says - but that you accept, this is how she is, this is how she will be. Which means, for the love of pete, STOP engaging her. If she is rude or hateful, ignore her. Communicate only when necessary (and hubby should be able to handle 99% of that) and then only say exactly what needs said and nothing else. NOTHING ELSE. Simply refuse to participate in her drama. Rise above. Stop letting her rile you up - expect this. It's who she is. EVERY TIME you take her bait, you prolong this dumb fight. Every time you react, you reward her and it means she'll keep doing it. Stop reacting. I know it's easier said than done but you have to adult your way out of this. She is toxic, she's self absorbed, and she's acting like a child. Don't play into it. As long as you do, this will continue.

Oh boy. You're too involved with a person who isn't even pleasant to you. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and maintain regular contact with them even though my husband and I are separated because they are genuinely nice people with whom I would want to maintain a relationship even if they weren't family. In your shoes? She's your husband's problem, period, end of story. Either he manages her and smoothes things over, or he lets the relationship go to hell in a handbasket - his choice, his consequence to live with.

Really, wash your hands of her and have him take the lead. And if he doesn't think it's important enough to put some serious energy into healing and managing this relationship, then there's your answer and it's on him.

At some point your husband needs to tell her what's up. It took a while for my husband to see that while his mom and I got along, we wouldn't be best friends. He hasn't had to put her in her place yet (because the one time he should have we weren't as solid as we should have been), but still.

Your husband should sit down with her and tell her how it is unacceptable the way she treats you...end of story. If she doesn't change, she can go pack sand.

I would NOT go to her house for Thanksgiving.

"I've always been a doormat. I felt like I needed to take a stand for myself, and set an emotional boundary. But, It probably wasn't the right way/only way to handle it..."

Actually, that is the only positive thing you said in your entire question & followup. I strongly suggest that you assert yourself in a similar manner all the time going forward.

Updated

"I've always been a doormat. I felt like I needed to take a stand for myself, and set an emotional boundary. But, It probably wasn't the right way/only way to handle it..."

Actually, that is the only positive thing you said in your entire question & followup. I strongly suggest that you assert yourself in a similar manner all the time going forward.

Why are you involved at all? She should be scheduling things with your husband/her son, not with you. Let him deal with the drama. I don't see why you would be saying yes or no to the holidays. His family, his issues.

I do agree that people at a party should not be exposed to children with (potentially infectious) diarrhea whether or not the child feels well enough to attend.
When you do need to communicate with MIL please pick up the phone. The tone of texts is often unclear and misunderstandings easily balloon into big issues.

I'll give my 2 cents anyway even tho it looks like you've decided not to go in your SWH.

I have a blended family so we are great about celebrating bdays and holidays on different days when our ex's have our kids. I would just have Tgiving on the next night your husband will be home...just you him and the kids. Tell that to the MIL.

In the future tho, I assume all the holidays are at her house? If so, Christmas is coming so you will have to figure that out as well. What we do is just show up for a VERY short time to people's houses we aren't thrilled to be around. Like right before you eat and then leave. No hanging around for 6 hours. Start doing that so the kids can still see everyone but you aren't forced to sit there longer than you really need to. Good luck.

she sounds a fright. i too would be putting up good boundaries to limit the amount of drama seeping into my life.

that being said, you're not that far removed from her. knowing what she's like, why are you communicating with her via text? we all know how fraught with peril it is.

no need to emphasize your child's illness. your MIL didn't confirm with you, you're not under obligation. period. unrolling excuses, even good ones, just makes it seem as if you're defensive, when you have no reason to be.

being 'livid' with her over the wedding attire sure strikes me as major DQ. you went to vegas for a small, intimate, cheap wedding but then had wardrobe demands as if it were a full-blown gala? and if you didn't say anything to her, what made her get 'irate'?

the fact that it's still sticking in your craw enough to impact the current situation is telling.

sucks for your DH to be stuck in the middle of this. if you really can't stay calm and disassociated from her drama, then by all means stay home.

or you could look at it as an awesome opportunity to a) support your DH and b) model for your kids how to be gracious in the face of discourtesy.
khairete
S.