M.C. asks from Los Angeles, CA on August 04, 2009
Should I Give Pregnancy Another Shot?
I am turning to you for advice. Briefly, my story:
I had my boy Sebastian when I was 35. The experience was traumatic in every possible way: the doctor didn't detect the presence of malformations; there was a mistake in terms of pain management during the delivery; I ended up having an emergency C-section after 14 hours of labor; the medical personnel panicked because there was no neonatal specialist present; barely 2 hours after he was born, they had to take my baby across town for major surgery at the Children's Hospital while I stayed behind recovering from the surgery; my baby was in the NICU for 2 months and had an awful diagnosis.
I am happy to say that the struggle we began that day, fighting for the well-being of our son (4 hospitalizations, eye-sight problems, occupational therapy, g-tube feeding and oral therapy, just to name a few challenges), has been so successful he is today a happy and bright little boy who attends daycare and does the same as any other child at this stage (he is now 4 years old). In fact, he has gone far beyond all the medical predictions, especially in terms of intellectual capabilities, since he has been able to solve jigsaw puzzles since he was 2, learned to count to 100 before he was even 3 and he is learning to read on his own at 4!
So, at last, my husband and I can even think about the possibility of having another child... What is stopping us? Two things mainly: First, we are so traumatized by our first experience! We've been going to therapy and it has been great to stay strong and help our boy overcome all his initial difficulties. But it hasn't taken away the fear of going through another traumatic experience again. Secondly, my age. I am now 39 years old and new fears kick in. I can't figure out how much fear I should have, objectively speaking. I have no clue what the outcome stats are for women at my age.
I would love some advice. I also wonder if there are other moms out there that had a rough first experience, whether it was possible or not to overcome it?
Thanks to all!
1 mom found this helpful
S.S. answers from Los Angeles on August 05, 2009
Personally....I'm not willing to take a chance on something like that. I have two young girls and thought about a third but I'm almost 34 and this year is not good for us so I'd have to wait another year. I know the risks and have studied the statistics on pregnancy and things like downs and other defects. It all skyrocket at 35. So yes with medicine nowadays women can have children into their 40ies but is it safe? We not really. Some people get lucky but im stopping at my two healthy girls....good luck.....ever thought about adopting?
M. answers from Las Vegas on August 04, 2009
My sister-in-law had her son at 28 weeks, they didn't catch any of her issues either, otherwise they would have been able to stop her labor. They had to transport her son as well via helicopter to the other side of town. He stayed in the NICU for 4 months. He is now almost 6 yrs old, and is so much better, but honestly he is no where near the level of your son. He acts around the age of 2 or 3 years. It is very sad. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that my SIL had another child, but she went to a different doctor. Her level of health care was much better this time. She ended up getting a circlage (sorry sp?) and was able to carry this baby to full term. She was very closely monitored due to her previous pregnancy. Her 2nd baby is healthy. So, my point is this, go to doctor that you can really trust, that will listen to your previous experience and your concerns and go for it!!! No two pregnancies are exactly alike, nor are the births. I have two healthy children (thank goodness - knock on wood) and both of them were completely different. Age is only a number, so if you feel healthy and have love to give - why not? I like to think that the best gift we can give our children is a sibling. I am so pleased with the way my children are attached to each other and the way they play together. It truly is priceless. I wish you the best with your decision and should you decide to have another, I hope you have a beautiful experience, the way nature intended it!
4 moms found this helpful
K.L. answers from Los Angeles on August 04, 2009
the experience having my first child was was not near as dramatic as yours but it was unexpected to say the least. i waited a while before my second because of fear and surprisingly enough i had a third. I love and adore my children they all have different and difficult challenges at times but we all help each other. i think they have been able to help each other tremendously.
I can not give you an opinion about whether you should have another baby but i can say i was very glad i did- even though it was still not easy it was nothing compared to the first! Another baby may relive some of the fear and trauma from the first only you and your family can decide.
good luck with your loving family
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D.M. answers from Los Angeles on August 04, 2009
Your story read very similar to my own, and I was 27 when I gave birth to my son at 30 weeks and spent my days and night NICU bound for 2 months. All the challenges and pain have made my son, like yours, the person he is today and I thank God everyday for giving me such an amazing little person.
The amazing thing is that we have little boys who have moved past expectations and created their own! The only difference in our stories is that my OBGYN was very on top of every issue that came up, and there for me lies where I have no regrets on the experience. My emergency C-section was flawless as an emergency surgery can be, and I felt like everyone in delivery anticipated everything before it happened.
Not that I'd want to go threw it again, but I defintitely want more children and pending I find someone to share a family with, I will.
If you have love in your heart and the desire to have another child is there then, I would go for it. Find a better OBGYN who is knowledgeable and can provide you the guidance you need. Make sure your delivering hospital has a NICU and emergency services for preemie births. Your age is only a factor if you let it be. One of my dearest friends had her little girl at 39 and it was after she had been told it just wasn't in the cards. Follow heart! Keep up the therapy and find a doctor who you trust with your body and the life of your future child.
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T.C. answers from Los Angeles on August 05, 2009
Our experience was similarly rough and we were simply too exhausted to think about starting the process again for several years (as in 5 or 6). I will do it again in a heartbeat now, if the stars line up and I'm 47. Every baby brings different blessings. Regarding age, our bodies were designed for having babies. If your head is straightened out, go for it. If your head isn't ready, you still have time.
By the way, I sought out a high risk maternal specialist as my OB for my first baby because I was 40. She always teased me that I was one of her "younger pups." Forget age. It's just something that people like to tell us to worry about. Find a doctor like I had (she's not practicing anymore) who thinks that being 40 is plenty young.
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L.M. answers from Reno on August 05, 2009
I am 42. My son just turned 1 in May. Being older and pregnant does carry some possible complications. Everyone will tell you that. There are tests you can have performed to minimize the surprise factor if, indeed, there are problems. That being said, may I offer this: Every pregnancy is different. I have 3 children, and each of the deliveries were different as well. From Pop- here's your baby! to OMG, when is the baby going to get out?!? ;) Just as I am sure you would tell any friend and your own son not to fear the unknown, I am telling you the same. It's the unknown and "what if this happens" kind of thinking that is your biggest hurdle. Good luck, and whatever you decide, don't let the fear decide it for you...
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S.H. answers from Honolulu on August 05, 2009
Well all I can say is, perhaps find another more competent OB/GYN.
Next, I was 38, when I was pregnant with my first child, and got pregnant naturally. I had a long labor as well, 14+ hours, and ended up with an emergency c-section. In the ultrasound I had prior, they thought my daughter had a heart problem... one chamber missing. It was scary to say the least and traumatic. We saw specialists, I had an Amniocentesis, and all was fine, test wise. A Pediatric Heart specialist also did a special ultrasound, and he deemed my daughter to be fine. She WAS born fine and is a normal healthy 6 year old girl now.
Needless to say, it was a traumatic thing to go through. But about 3 years later, I became pregnant again, naturally. It was our choice. We wanted a sibling for our daughter. That pregnancy was a miscarriage. 6 months later, I got pregnant again. With my now healthy and beautiful son, who is now almost 3 years old. With this pregnancy, I was 42 years old. It was a fine, normal, healthy pregnancy. But with his birth, I opted for a c-section. Not a VBAC. And, I had an Amniocentesis with his pregnancy as well. I believe in the Amnio testing. It is the most conclusive.
My point is, each pregnancy is different. And the outcome.
"Age" at time of pregnancy and the woman's health is certainly a factor in the viability and 'health' of the pregnancy. SO, a GOOD OB/GYN is paramount. AND taking prenatal vitamins (even when trying to conceive), and taking any advised testing.
But, there are MANY MANY woman nowadays, that are 35+ in age, and are pregnant. My friend, was 47, when she had her 2nd child. Born healthy and normal.
I was 'scared' to be pregnant again, after the scare we had with my firstborn, and then the miscarriage. BUT... I knew that each pregnancy is different. And,Hubby and I wanted another child. That was the deciding factor for us.
You may want to consult your OB/GYN... to discuss things with, first. AND of course, you need to see if mentally/emotionally you are 'ready' for another pregnancy... and the "what if's."
And I can't emphasize enough, FIND another more experienced OB/GYN and hospital.
All the best,
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M.D. answers from Los Angeles on August 05, 2009
As they always are, my situation was a little different, but I thought I would share.
My first pregnancy was great, no problems, healthy little boy who is now four years old.
My second pregnancy was not. I was pregnant with twin girls and lost them both at 24 weeks when I developed severe Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and had to deliver in order to save my life. It was awful...the loss of our girls, going through the fear and recovery of my illness and all the while having no real answers as to why I got sick or if it would happen again.
We did get pregnant again and it was a stressful nine months. I was upfront with my doctor from the start about how I wanted to handle appointments and ultrasounds. She agreed and was as supportive and wonderful as a doctor could possibly have been. I also saw a perinatologist who also oversaw by pregnancy. It gave me some peace of mind to have the specialist also watch over us. At 37 weeks, I went into labor. No pre-e, no complications and I had a beautiful healthy baby boy.
I can't imagine my life without him even though I long for his sisters every day. I have four beautiful children, just sadly two of them are watching over me instead of the other way around.
It's hard and you have to be prepared for that, but if you want another one, it's worth it, in my opinion. They just make life so much better!
Good luck with whatever decision you and your husband make.
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J.C. answers from Los Angeles on August 05, 2009
I am so excited to hear that your son has proved those doctors wrong!! I had a terrible experience as well with my first daughter. I was sent to a hospital I was not planning on going to, something happened with the contract my docotors had. I then was in labor for 12 hours, my baby was not progressing. The doc who was NOT supposed to deliver me tried two vacumm extraction! Both failed. I had to TELL HIM give me a c-section! I then had to wait 45 minutes for a team to get together. My daughter was born looking very healthy and fine. Then when it was visiting time with the family they brought her to me in a transport incubator with 2 docs, a nurse and the paramedics. She stopped breathing 4 times in the nursery which they never told me until she had to leave the hospital. She was taken to Pomona Valley NICU, while I stayed where I was for 4 days! She was there for 3 weeks. Needless to say it was heart wrenching on me and my husband. She had a stroke at birth, and has CP. The docs told us she would not walk or talk. Anyway like your son she has overcome many obsticals, but is diffrently abled. She is turning 10 this month. We tried to bring a lawsuit against the doc, who by the way no longer practices, but was to difficult to prove malpractice. we saw 3 lawyers. Anyway I was petrified to have more babies. But we did with the assurance that what happened to my daughter was 1 in a million chance and would not happen again. My next two doctors were amazing and my other two children were fine. All my pregnancies were textbook, it was the idiot doctor who did not know what he was doing. If your health is good and you TRUST your doctor wholeheartedly....grow your family. Good luck!
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