Should I Give My MIL a Set of Keys to Our Place?

DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT EVER, GIVE YOUR MIL YOUR HOUSE-KEYS!!!
NEVER NEVER NEVER.

Your MIL is a "bully." She has the nerve, expecting the house-keys to another person's home.
She should not be having an attitude of "entitlement."
She is simply NOT entitled.

And by the way, what on earth, does your HUSBAND say about it???? HE should be putting his foot down too, and being a "Man" for his own family. He is married and has his own family now.... that is his priority. Not pleasing "Mommy" dearest. This, should not be ONLY "your" problem to deal with.

If no one ever puts their foot down to MIL, she will continue to rule the roost, and everyone else's home and family.

It is NONE of her business. Period.
SHE is the dysfunctional one... do NOT let her create problems for you/your family.

If you give her the keys, there will be LOTS of problems and you will have NO privacy, she will go through your mail when you are not home, she will rearrange your home when you are not home, she will think your home is "her" home, she will nosey around your home, she will poke around and peek at things that are not her business, you will have NO privacy, you will have NO anything... period. It will be all HER business.

Just tell her calmly, "No, you cannot have my house-keys."
You do not even have to explain why.

All the best,
Susan

3 moms found this helpful

Give her a placebo... a copy of your old keys. Oops.

3 moms found this helpful

No, she shouldn't have keys. You already know that. The no will need to come from her son. You don't need to do that. I'd talk to him, see how he feels, and then put the key copying on him too, if she asks for keys again tell her he is supposed to do the copying. And, then, maybe it will never get done. That woman sounds pesky.

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Nope, don't give her the keys. I don't care how you explain it or if you just keep "forgetting" forever and ever till she finally gets the picture that it's NOT going to happen. But don't do it.

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I wouldn't give her keys. It's just telling her that her behavior is 'ok' and you're accepting it. Why encourage a bad behavior. If she's so insistent, give her 'some' keys so that way you know when she tells you the keys didn't work, that she tried to use them. Just say you changed the lock and aren't making anymore. It's YOUR house. Good luck!

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NO! how many ways can i say NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! you already know the answer to what would happen if you did give here access to your home. when you are there and when you are not home. controlling advice is the only start of where this could lead. if i sound harsh, i apologize but ive had a MIL like this before and giving her keys only encourages her control.

best wishes, M.

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NO WAY!! NO, NO, NO, NO!!

by the way - have you asked her WHY she wants the keys to your house???

If its because she wants to visit - someone will be home so she doesn't need keys.

If its to babysit - again, someone will be home and you have the keys to get in case she is sleeping :)

No NO NO - no reason for her to have them.

I have an issue with my MIL coming unannouced - so can you imagine I come home and she is already there!! NO WAY!!

Since she asked you and not your husband - you ask her why she wants them and then tell her no offense but there is really no need to give her keys!

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L.,

Don't do it! Don't do it! This woman has serious boundary and control problems. Do not give in to this kind of thing! She is intent on ruining your marriage or she has something going on "not right" upstairs. (I asked my husband and he said you could always give her some "wrong" keys. But that would probably backfire, so I wouldn't do that either!)
I feel for you, in your predicament, but would definitely not give in to this horrible demand! I had a friend who had a really nice MIL but she just "didn't get it" my friend would get out of the shower, and there here MIL would be--in her bedroom, just hangin' out. (They're now divorced.) Also, you need to ask your husband (very sweetly), to BE A MAN and stand up to his ol' mom!

Marti O.

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Looks like you've gotten some great advice, but I wanted to add my NO in as well. Your MIL sounds a lot like mine, so I can empathize with your struggles.

If you even consider not listening to the "NO"s here, let me tell you that my sister-in-law lives near my MIL and she gave her the keys to her place. When they were out of town, my MIL took her friends over to show them the place without asking.. and shows up unannounced and will never see the wrong in any of her behavior.

Giving her the keys will only keep the peace for a little while and you will find yourself with an entire new batch of problems from this one gesture.

I know I it is hard to say no to someone like this, and you will not be her favorite person, no matter what reason you come up with. But, with people like this, it is so important to set boundaries. The little you give, will only breed more and more expectations from her of what she wants.. and set the pattern that she get whatever she wants.

And, you will be helping everyone else in the family see how they too can stand up for themselves.

All the best.. I know it is a struggle.

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Oh, you absolutely should NOT give her keys to your house! In fact, I think you and your husband need to team up and start setting some clear boundaries. Unless you do that, the controlling will only get worse.

She's your husband's mother. If she's making you uncomfortable and being hurtful and controlling, he really needs to stick up for the best interests of his family (i.e. YOU and your kids) and get her to stop. She's his mother and it's his job to do this.

Good luck.

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Oh my gosh! NOOOOOOO! I know everyone on this post are saying the SAME thing to you. So you gotta laugh by now. :)

My prediction is that it will only create MORE drama.

good luck.

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Does your husband think his Mom should have a set of keys to your house?
Your MIL sounds a lot like mine and we would NEVER give her keys to our house. It is a joint decision and my husband has zero problem with telling his Mom no. If she claims someone should have a set in case of an emergency, tell her someone already does. She will be offended, but you can't live your life trying to appease her.

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It's that matter of perspective. I'll bet she would be astonished if she could peek inside your head and see how her comments and ideas are received. I imagine that she feels she is helpful. Being kind and gracious in return is no skin off your back. Thank her for her suggestions and tell her you'll think about them, then let it go.

As for the keys, have you openly asked her why she wants a set of them? I would. Then you can explain to her in the nicest way, that though she is always welcome, you feel very appreciative when she calls before she comes over.

I am a MIL myself; I have two wonderful and precious daughter-in-laws. I grew to love them because they loved my sons, as time passed and I got to know each better, I understood how blessed we are to have them in our lives. They have enriched our family with their presence and the adorable grandchildren they brought into this world. I recognize that my sons now turn to their wives first. I encourage it, I want them to be happy and to have the close family relationship that we enjoyed when they were little. Life can be so wonderful, I hope theirs is for always. Do I want keys to their space? No way!

I know your MIL annoys you, still, try to see a little through her eyes. Maybe she having a hard time letting go of her son, adjusting to the empty nest, and new roles in life. Not everyone is able to do that easily. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she adores you...and thinks she is treating you like a daughter. At any rate We're always happier when we don't let things get to us and find ways to be forgiving.

Take care.

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You heard it from everyone, L.. The answer is NO. Talk to your husband, be sure he's on your side about the key issue. Chances are, if he's not showing a united front, then MIL knows its just a matter of time before she gets them. Or if DH is saying "talk to my wife" to each request, then MIL knows it's not her DS that's against her, but you, and this is NOT ok from your DH. Good luck, but I say no.

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Assuming the reason she has the keys is a "just in case you get locked out" thing, do you think you could say something like "You are always so thoughtful, but I've got it handled THIS TIME, my neighbor has a key. I'd hate to have to bother you if I get locked out." Or better yet, She is your Husbands Mother, have HIM deal with it.

Good luck with this one!

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SH is totally correct. DO NOT GIVE her to keys YOUR HOME. She will look though your private things and try and boss you around even more. This will give her more control over you and your home and family. Either have your husband tell her or you tell her no one gets/has keys to your home, except you and your husband, kids. Do not answer any other questions she asks about this every time she asks for keys always give her the same short answer. NO one has keys except my husband and I. She will get tired of asking or she will keep getting the same answer. I learned this from a family therapist we went to. I think this is her way of being even more in control. Please don't give her your keys. If you have any questions you can ask me. I have gone though so much with my MIL.
Sue

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Hello, I was blessed with the most wonderful Mother-In-Law and I would have given her keys. My children all have given me keys to their places. They all know that I respect their privacy and would never just go over to their place without them needing me to. I have taken one of my grandsons to his parents' apartment to get some of his things, but I don't go in. That particular daughter-in-law and I don't even speak more than we have to (among other things, she spreads rumors about me). However, if your Mother-In-Law cannot respect your privacy, then I wouldn't give her the keys. It is about trust and if you can't trust her to respect you, then she hasn't earned the keys. When she asks for keys, change the subject. She will get the idea. Also, when she tells you how to do things, tell her, "Thank-you for your advice, I will think about it and decide if it will work for me." I would never try to tell my kids or their spouses what to do or how to do it.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

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Don't do it.

If you are not comfortable with telling her no yourself then...get your husband to tell her NO, so that you do not create friction with her. He can get away with being rude(even though she's the one being rude, but she won't see it that way), but you can't. Make sure he is adamant about it. Make it known to him that you can make his life more "miserable" than his mom can.

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Don't give her a set, stand up for your yourself now before it's too late. You will have no privacy if you give her a set.

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NO!! my SIL made that mistake and found out that her in-laws had been over while she's not home!! Even found her FIL sleeping on her couch. YOU need your privacy. I would never consider it.

You can hide a key out side in case of an emergency and only tell her IF she needs to get in. Then change the location.

Not to mention if anything is ever missing you would automatically think she might have taken it. NO, NO, NO!!

Your home is your CASTLE not hers.

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I would discuss this with my husband and let him know that you are not comfortable in giving her the keys. Then let him tell her that you have given a spare set to the neighbors in the event of emergency. If she has no boundaries and bulldozes over people, she does not need to have even more access to your lives. Don't give her the house keys to your house just to keep peace with her, or she will be at your house ALL THE TIME and you won't have a life. Next time she asks, thank her for her concern and tell her the neighbors have a key in the event of an emergency...then change the subject.

NO NO NO. YOU HAVE TO STAND YOUR GROUND!!!! This is your house and you don't owe her anything. When my husband and I move, we are not giving a set of keys to anyone in his family because they aren't allowed to just stop by when they please. Who cares if you not giving her keys will cause an issue in your family. If you not giving keys to your house causes problems then the problem is bigger than the keys. Sounds like a control issue and she needs to get over herself. You aren't married to her, you are married to her son and what you two create together is just that. Something between you and your husband. She has no right to intrude on your marriage and make you feel guilty for not wanting to have a third person in your marriage.

You absolutely have to stand your ground because this goes much further than her just butting in, if you give her keys she will have free reign over your house and that's not acceptable. Put your foot down and tell her no. Don't discuss it, don't argue with her, just say NO you cannot have keys to my house and that's the end of it and if she wants to continue to discuss it tell her this discussion is over. You can say those things without being mean or rude. The bottom line is that if you entertain her she will think that your no does not mean no. Don't even give her room to discuss it. Say no and keep it moving. If you are talking to her over the phone then say I am sorry but you cannot have keys to my house and then tell her you have something you have to do so you have to get off the phone now. It's that simple.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! good luck lady!!

Hi L., So I am not really sure what the problems is. Should you give her the keys, yes, someone should have a spare set. My mom has keys to my place, she uses them "when appropriate" ONLY. We have set boundaries around that.

You can't TRY to set boundaries you just do it. That's like sayiing "I TRIED to type this response"...either you do it or you don't. Let her know having a key is not a right it is a priveledge and it can be revoked at anytime if you feel it is being abused.

Just because the other kids let her treat them like that does not mean you have to. I will tell you, my mom has keys to all the kids homes, but with me she calls before she comes (even if from the driveway and her cell phone) she DOES not come to the house when we are not here without permission, (my sisters have found her napping on their sofa when they come home from work LOL). The other kids let her do whatever she wants. I don't. I am clear that if she abuses her priveledge with my family, she won't have as free access.

Ignoring it and hoping she "doesn't ask again" is the wrong thing to do. She will be creating her own story as to why you are ignoring her, why you don't want her to have a key, why, why, why, then you get to deal with that months later...not too much fun. Deal with it now.

L., this is your life, your home,your family, why does she get to make your decisons? Stand up for what you want, what your fmaily wants and let your MIL fit into YOUR plans.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

All the other ladies are correct. It's just too easy for her to come over and if you don't answer, let herself in. I like and get along with my mother-in-law, but I have a real problem with people stopping by without calling.

Fortunately, my MIL lost her keys to our place a few months back. She mentioned it a couple times, but we never replaced them, and I feel much better about it - like I have my privacy back again. Just make sure you have a spare set of keys somewhere in case you get locked out!

I wouldn't give her the keys! What does your husband think? If he agrees with you, then I say let her get upset, it's not like you owe her the keys. That is one boundary I wouldn't feel comfortable crossing with my MIL either, who is a lot like yours. Good luck with this, I know how you feel.

No way...........Tell her VERY firmly that you are not giving her a set of keys. Be as bossy and determined as she is.....What does your hubby say?

I will assume MIL stands for Monster-in-Law (as it does in my world). Keep the monster out, don't give it keys!

I guess I'm a little bit more underhanded. I would make one set of "emergency" keys and hide them at your house in the most inconvenient place possible. That way if she really needs to get in, they are there, but it will make her think twice about letting herself in if she has to climb through the garage or dig through the flower bed to get to them and she certainly wouldn't just let herself in if you are there.
But that's just me. :)
Good Luck

On the one hand, I am sure you feel blessed to have such a supportive family, on the other the interference can be a pain. Tough as it is, since she is your mother in law, you really need to enlist your husband's help. While you have worked to create boundaries, it only works if you have the support of your other half. He is going to have to do the heavy lifting. If not willing/able then you have some tough decisions to make. Good luck. It isn't easy! Enjoy that little boy. :)

Don't give her a set! I could never do this with my MIL. Its interesting b/c even if you gave her a set while you went out of town or something temporary do you thinkk she will go have her own set made? If you think she will then she can't be trusted. We have a key hidden at our house that no one would ever be able to find. For real. We had something urgent come up when we were out of town and had my brother go take care of it. It was fine. My BIL has been given a key while we are out of town because he will come over and take care of the dogs, mail, and switch up the lights that are on, but its only temporary. I trust him not to come in whenever. Their mom is a different story.

You have a lot of nos but I think I would say no if it wasn't so hard to be confrontational. What is the problem with her having a key? My parents have emergency spare keys of ours. We have a hide-a-key that my MIL knows about and can use if we aren't home and she's waiting for us out front or something. It sounds like she is going to say those mean things about your house or you regardless of whether or not she has a key. What is your reason for not wanting to give her one? Did she come over when you weren't home and change things? Did she come in unannounced? My dad had our key on his key chain when we first moved to the house we are in now. (He had done work on the house before we moved in) After though, I'd come home from work and there would be the ranch dressing in the living room, bags of Carl's Jr. left overs in front of the tv and empty beer cans in the kitchen. Oh my gosh - I was so irritated. He would always claim he was just waiting for us to get home. Then I said... we are trying to make another baby... He announces when he is coming by now! I also explained to my mom what he was doing and she just took it off his key ring and told him she wanted the key in the house incase of emergency. Anyway - the reason I explained all that is because if you have a reason to keep a key from her, let your husband tell her. If it is because you want your privacy and nobody gets your keys, explain to her that she is always welcome over when you are home so she should not need a key. If she is close and would not intrude without a warning, maybe it will help you to have an emergency key somewhere! Ask her to keep it in a desk at her house for emergencies. Good luck!

I'd just give her the keys. You aren't going to change anything by not giving them to her. She's still going to boss you around and show up whenever she wants. Like you said, it's just who she is. Plus it's a good thing for someone to have a spare key, just in case.

Ohhhhh....She WILL be asking again! You can trust that!

Not sure what your communication style is but she sounds very much like a DRIVER. That being said, you may need to tell her straight out: We'd rather not have extra keys out there. If that doesn't work - get even more direct by just saying: I don't think that's necessary.

Unless she's the rudest creature on the face of the earth, she SHOULD get it by then. If not, employ your husband to JUST SAY NO! You should NOT be the one to do it...you will never live that down since it sounds like everyone else just takes it (and waits for her to die -perhaps??)...
Good luck!

Wow...I feel for you. My friend had this happen also. But the MIL scared her one to many times. She would get out of the shower, and the MIL would be there. The son finally said something...thank goodness. And her key was taken away. Good Luck!

Do you have a set of keys to her house? If not, tell her you need some.

Hello L.,

Have you discussed this with your husband? I wonder whether he would advise giving her a set a keys... bet not!

Be direct and honest with her. Just say no -- tell her you love her, but your nest is your sanctuary, and NO ONE gets keys to the nest except you and your husband.

If you make it about yourself, rather thn about her, she should be able to hear it. If she is treated like everyone else, she should be able to accept it.

OH COME ON, GIVE HER THE KEYS!

Just kidding! NEVER give them to her!! Your poor thing, I hope you can figure something out to say to her. That's why I love living about 2-3 hours away from ALL my relatives! Just be firm and she'll (hopefully) eventually get used to the new you!

You have gotten alot of responses but I just had to chime in NO as well. You and your husband have to agree of course and since it is his Mother - he can talk to her about it and not you. If he is sensitive and acknowleding of her it will create less drama.

Hi L., Where is your husband in this deal?
If he is letting you deal with his mom, and tired of her control issues that's not fair...
in so many words----NO!!! Don't give her the keys.

Has she given you a set of keys to her house? It's not necessary for you to feel bad or anything. What's the drama? you need to understand that when things calm down and she is behaving with some respect you can reconsider. remove the issue, by saying, we aren't prepared to share keys at this time. Walk away. don't stand there and let her yap on it.
See you!! Mom bye bye...

What you do depends on how much your spouse has your back here. What does he think? Does he want her to have a key? And why is your MIL asking you rather than asking him? And also, do you have a key to her place?

Just because she makes suggestions about what to change in your house doesn't mean you have to take it as if it's an order. Take it as input, say "that might be interesting," then let it go and make up your mind about what you want. (Especially if she does mean it as a more-than-gentle request.) Not taking it that way is a way to keep it from being a conflict. Pretend the "push" didn't happen and let it go.

What to do about the repeated requests:

You can tell her the truth: that her asking for a key makes you uncomfortable because you're concerned that she'll make changes to your place. And it should go both ways. If you can use the key to her place to make changes to her decorations etc., and she's okay with that, then she can have a key.

You can ask your spouse to ask her to stop. Don't get yourself into the middle of their relationship.

You can give it to her and let it go.

Whatever you do, don't put it off until "later." This probably isn't going to go away.

So much good luck to you.

L.,

It sounds like you are NOT comfortable and do not want to give her a key. You yourself sound like you have already made the decision that it is NOT a good idea. I would have a talk with your husband and ask him his opinion. Hopefully you are on the same page. I would have HIM tell his mom NO in a polite way and in a wording that you BOTH agree on. It is completely unnecessary for her to have the key. If you travel you can always do a hide a key and let someone you "trust" know where it will be (not necessarily her). If she keeps pestering YOU directly, just politely stand your ground. You are an adult woman and you deserve to be respected as one. Just politely tell her that you and your husband already have it taken care of in case of an emergency and it isn't necessary for you to make an additional spare. Maybe ask her if she keeps bugging you if you could have HER key in case she has an emergency and see how she reacts to that. I would work this out with your hubby first and AGREE on the specific wording you will both use when addressing this. GOOD LUCK!

T.

If you can't get out of it, you could do what we did with my stepkids. They had a set of keys to our house, but not the deadbolt key. I hated that their mom potentially had access to my house through them, but at least when we were home, we knew no one could walk in unannounced, and when we went out of town, we let them know ahead of time that the deadbolt would be locked, if they needed something, they had to plan ahead.

We also had a hidden key, so if the girls got locked out we had the back up in place.

Question--do you have a key to HER house? I do know how to get into my parents homes (via code or key) yet I live 3000 miles away now. I currently live alone and no one else has a key to my house.

Sounds like your MIL is still mothering all the adult children in her life. Perhaps the only role she knows how to play. It's a tough position to be in when you are the grown up, it's your home/family and you're done being bossed around. Living far far away helps with that.

Good luck.

Hi L..

You've heard it from everyone, we've voted - NO, NO, NO!
I've had some issues with my MIL, I went as far as changing the locks on my doors! MIL's tend to see their sons/ daughters somewhat as kids still since they still are their Mother BUT, us in-law's are not. I can be cared for by "my" mother but, don't need to be cared for by my MIL, I'm not her child, I'm an adult who married her adult son. With that said, I'd like to be treated as an adult and I see NO reason for her to have a spare key. Some people think it's ok incase of an emergency, I'd sooner hide a key under a rock, dig a hole in the dirt, climb threw a window or wait for a Locksmith or my hubby to come home before I'd give her a key! She needs to understand you are both adults and need your privacy, I'm sure she doesn't go around handing her key over to any of her adult friends or relatives (other than her kids), right?

My SIL was having similar issues with her as well (though she had given her a key), I'm not to sure what she ended up doing but, she would joke and say she was going to start leaving dirty magazines & movies, used "protection", blow up dolls, and toys laying around to freak her out! I have to say, I thought it was a good and funny idea - I just didn't have the patients to go that rout. Hey, maybe you can pitch that idea to your hubby and let him decide if he would want his mother walking into that (I'm sure she wouldn't want to keep going in there)- sure he wouldn't like it, so "he'll" have to be the one telling her she can't have a spare key or be the one to deal with the dirty/ embarrassing stuff she'll run into, yeah, I like that... this shouldn't really be your battle - he should be able to tell her No or deal with her thinking you guys are freaks! What can she say… "I didn't like what I ran into while you were away from home" umm…. "You shouldn't be in there in the first place". Easy, right? I'm generally very respectful but, I also expect the same from people no matter of who or how old the person is – treat me the way you want to be treated.

Hope this helps, PLEASE let us know what you end up doing. You have quite a few responses so you know this is a very interesting subject.

-M.

I just wanted to give you kudos for making the best out of a bad situation and not taking things personal. Your husband is a lucky man. Tell her that would be great that you guys can swap keys to each others homes so you can help her out in her home just as she has helped you in yours (just kidding) hope you get good advice from people who have been there.

DO.NOT.GIVE.HER.THE.KEYS!!!!

(do you have keys to HER house? If so, then MAYBE think about it)

That's why there are people called locksmiths, if you need one - you call one.
Unless your MIL is feeding your 4 cats when you are on vacation in Europe, why would she need keys?